Dreams for sale!

First Kim Zolciak put her exquisite evening gowns on the market, and now Kelly Bensimon is offering the ultimate piece of Real Housewives history:  THE GREEN BRASS MONKEY DRESS. 

OH SHIT OH SHIT OH SHIT!  Bidding starts at $49.99 and the size is XS (i.e. stretched out).  Ten percent of the proceeds will go to the Red Cross.  A whole $4.99 to the Red Cross! Very generous.  Autographed photo of Kelly included. 

Look at her:

Is that a sense of humor I see?  Maybe it's just gas.  But I think I might be starting to like her a little bit! (but don't tell anyone because I will deny it.)

I can't help but picture myself prancing around town in this number, scoffing at people, judging their energy and telling them that they are being "rully rully inappropriate."

I can barely breathe right now.

To the other Real Housewives cast members:  time to up the ante.  Danielle, I'm thinking that you can sign your copy of Cop without a Badge and pair it with an eightball and a free session with your eyebrow waxer.  Tamra, you can sell your engagement ring (fingers crossed it's not CZ, girl!), and Bethenny, I suggest auctioning off the right to name your unborn child and donating 11% to charity.  I know you've already thought about it, so get on it already!

Anything that you want?  Name it.  Also, if you're going to bid on any of Kelly's items, you'd damn well better let me know.

Update on Wednesday, January 27, 2010 by SGM

You knew this was coming, right?

Kelly Bensimon Brass Monkey Accessories by glossy on Polyvore.com

Ramoner must carbo-load the night before filming

...because this level of crazy burns calories.

 Kuh-dooz to Ramoner on the shorter hair, though.  Much better.

Now.  Take a deep breath and brace yourself for this next clip because Ramoner confronts (yes, confronts!) Lady Bensimon about her lopsided titties.

!!!!!!!! and !!!!!!!!!!  WHERE ON EARTH does she get the oversized balls to do this?  WHERE?  Because Andy Cohen wants to know.

Also worth it:

Jill Zarin swims with the sharks and survives.  

Has Bethenny learned nothing from Star Jones?

The Real Housewives of New York City premieres on March 4.

Thanks to LuckyLucyChance and Harv for the tips.  Email subscribers, click through to the blog to watch the videos.

More elegant and cheek

Want to know how to change your space when it gets rully rully boring?  You're in luck; here is Kelly Bensimon's "apartment makeover":

click through if you can't see the video

Go here for the equally drastic bathroom makeover.  Par for the course, people.

Real Housewives of New York City begins March 4.  In other words, NOT SOON ENOUGH.

Guess who's going to be on Watch What Happen Live this Thursday?  Tamra Barney and JLew (!!!!!!!!!).  If I can get my act together, I'm going to post something really creepy in his honor. 

Happy Monday, babies!

(thanks to Michelle)

Excuse me, Andy Cohen. May I have a word?

This will just take a moment and then you can get back to your bitches.

1.  I do not appreciate the Real Housewives of Orange County two week time-out over the holidays.  Not only does it interrupt my carefully plotted and timed tv-watching rhythm, but let's wrap this shit UP already.  In the time RHOC has not aired, I have completely lost all interest.  My advice would be to air the remaining episodes on a Wednesday morning and start fresh with Real Housewives of NYC this Thursday night.   I am dying to see how Jill and Bethenny's break up goes down, and I want to know how the Countess is handling her divorce from Count Viagra.  Oh, and don't tell anyone, but I am kind of missing those gd freaks Alex and Simon.  Shhhh!

2.  Rumor (i.e. your twitter feed) has it that you are bringing back Work Out's Jackie Warner.   I can't decide whether to tell you to stop this nonsense immediately or OMG, HURRY!  She is absolutely riveting in her self-centered awfulness and hypocrisy.  I just learned from her website that she's had 100% turnover with her trainers so there will a be a fresh group of employees for her to assault with her wrecking ball ego and vagina.  Oh, how can I resist?

Rebecca:  "Jackie, I love you!  I'm glad you seduced me so unprofessionally in the workplace!"

Jackie:  "Wow, how ironic, because I'm breaking up with you!  And you're fired.  Would you like to meet my new girlfriend?"

3.  My New Year's resolution is to avoid Millionaire Matchmaker at all cost. 

4.  This last item is not related to Bravo, but I thought you should know.  My husband Frank and I are very competitive.  VERY.  It keeps our love alive.  However, it's usually a sad story for me because he creams my ass in pretty much everything, especially when it comes to video games.  Then he gloats.  Oh, the gloating!

WELL.  It is with barely suppressed glee that I announce that I hold the records at our house for Wii Fit Plus Ski Slalom and Ski Jumping, records that he will NEVER beat.  Ever!  I'm that good.  (I also hold the record for hula hooping, but we both have agreed that it's a not a real sport.  Kind of like NASCAR.)

That's all.  Thanks for your time and keep your pimp hand strong, my man.

Twit pic indeed

"No Jill, trust me on this.  Why pose for a picture on a boring sidewalk when a rully busy street is just a few steps away?"

Photo from here.