Is anyone here fluent in stupid?

Because we need someone to translate this Kelly Bensimon interview from People:

Everyone talks about being green and being respectful of America, but no one has done something that is Navajo-inspired. Women love diamonds and sparkles, but nothing is sexier than Navajo-inspired bling.

Kelly, nothing makes sense in that first sentence. NOTHING.  As for the second sentence, I think it is very...uh, Navajo-inspired.

Well, at least she didn't bring up Pocahontas again. Oh wait, SHE DID:

My mother looked like Pocahontas and was obsessed with jewelry, so I really learned at young age how accessories can change your look in an inexpensive way.

KELLY. Let me try to speak your language: Your mom looking like Pocahontas is rully rully uh-mazing, because, like, I love Disney, but like, WHAT THE FUCK, $500 CUFFS ARE NOT INEXPENSIVE ACCESSORIES.

Oops, slipped back into English there at the end.

Have a lovely Wednesday!

(thanks so much to Kara for the tip.)

I don't even know you anymore.

Oh, Jill Zarin.  I am very troubled by THIS. I don't know what shocks me more--the fact that you broke bread with Jon Gosselin or that Michael Lohan owns a house in the Hamptons (I wouldn't think that writing open letters to your famous wreck of a daughter really brings in a lot of cash).

Seriously, Jill. I don't get it. I can only hope you were there to teach a seminar called "Hopping off Your Kids' Gravy Train: What to do when people start putting you in the same category as Joe Jackson."

(thanks to all who emailed me with this story.  JUICY.) 

Anyone catch Andy Cohen last night?  More cocktails, and Kelly Ripa fake-smoking.  I didn't watch the whole thing, but I will because how can anyone resist this? (esp. when he's so giggly and buzzed):

 INDEED. 

Oh, for God's sake!

How on earth am I supposed to go on a break when there's eye-popping stupidity to report? The bloggers at W Magazine recently interviewed Kelly Bensimon about her new jewelry collection. Apparently, she's abandoned the owls (remember the lawsuit?) for snakes with loopy tongues. Here is an excerpt from the interview:

What inspired you for this [jewelry] collection? I love Navajo and I love the idea of taking Pocahontas out of the kayak and putting her into the disco. Everyone knows that she's had enough in her little canoe and now she's out and having fun in the disco. It's the idea that it's Navajo, but also it's pavé and really, pavé that's my forte. I love bling. I love understated flashy.

Is she fucking high? What other possible explanation is there for Navajo Pocahontas at the disco?

"So, like, my next collection is going to be kind of Helen Keller in Aspen. I mean, get that girl a snowboard!"

You'll also be glad to know that she resurrects her infamous "up here/down there" line when talking about the loopy snake tongue, aka "pod":

That's the pod, which is something that's really going to be the staple of the line. It comes in lariat. I like the lariat because it brings the attention down. Everyone likes up, I like down. I'm like, bring it right here [motions towards her chest]! There are two parts of a woman's body men like, and so we're focusing on one.

Ah, Kelly likes the attention down. Or wait, is it up? Apart? I'm confused. Anyhow, click here to read the entire interview; it's very worth it, especially when Kelly bewilders the interviewer (twice) by using the word "chatty" instead "catty." On a completely unrelated note, I am mesmerized by this video (found, and intelligently discussed, on fourfour). That shirt alone draws you in, doesn't it? Is that Teresa at the :28 mark? Just joking, Teresa; you know I love you and your greasy husband. Happy Friday!

It's so easy to read their minds

Ramoner: I'm bored. I need to be stimulated. I think I will bring up Alex's nude photos one more time after the show.

Alex: Well, it's fine, but it's certainly no corset made out of rotting burlap.

Jill: Let's get this over with. Brad's re-wallpapering my entire apartment with the Zarin logo and I just know he's going to screw it up.

Jaqueline: I wonder what it would be like to read a book.

Dina: Bubbies are too small. Next.

Caroline: What the fuck are you lookin' at, bitch?

Teresa: I wonder where we place orders? I want five of everything.

Danielle: Little do they know, I have Cop without a Badge hiding under this paper. We're gonna clear the air once and for all!

For more photos of the Housewives at The Fashion Show fashion show (what?), go here.

Lady Bensimon is FREE!

Kelly Bensimon was sentenced to 2 days of community service today for giving her boyfriend a black eye. Doesn't the judge know that Kelly doesn't "do" community service? I mean, what if they start using her name for all of their community service events? I hope she appeals.

Anyhow, we can all sleep soundly in our beds tonight knowing that Kelly is safe at home. If she thought the reunion show was boring, she should see jail! Like, totally not fun or awesome at all.

In the words of Kelly, "justice has been served."*

A video clip of the jubilant yet still moronic Kelly outside of court:

*omg, when is someone going to hit her?