Stop calling him Maurice, you bitch

Yeah I'm talkin' to you, Kim.  Who do you think you're fooling?  "Maurice" is a man with a discolored tooth and smeary glasses who lives in a basement apartment with dry cat food sprinkled on the linoleum, crunching under his feet as he warms up canned beef stew.  It is also the name of a cheap juniors store located in dying malls everywhere. 

"Maurice" is worlds away from your brother-in-law Mauricio, a sexy Mexican love machine with a warm honey accent who simply doesn't want his sister-in-law to LIE TO HIS FACE ON HIS BIRTHDAY.  Is that too much to ask?  IS IT?

I'm going vegan this week, as well as sugar-free and gluten-free.  I also started my period yesterday.  This means I swing violently between two moods: obnoxious/self-righteous and murderous.  I'm telling you this 1) as a subtle threat to Kim Richards, and 2) as a way of informing you that I really have nothing meaningful or positive to say about anything, including It's a Brad Brad World.  So please discuss these dumb stupid shows in the comments and also let me know if you want any further descriptions of Maurice. 

I love you all, and that is The Truth.

Oh, and you know those commercials you have to sit through before you can watch a video clip on Bravo?  I think I just saw Chris Elwood, of fired Flipping Out fame, in one of them.

Muy interesante, huh?

When life gets tough,

sometimes all you need is Joe Gorga wearing a string bikini.*

*and by tough, I mean American-style tough.  As in, "Oh shit, I have to brave Target and the liquor store this weekend?" and "I don't care who's in the Nutcracker, I can't sit through an 2 hours of ballet" and also "WHY GOD WHY did I forget to dvr RHOBH this week?"

Idiotica

"You tell that attorney that I don't know what he's talking about.  I came up with the totally unique idea of red soles many unspecified years ago.  Now if you'll excuse me, I need to head back to Thrones Etc. to do a little more shopping." 

"Pandora, before we discuss these ridiculous asshole invitations--have you heard my Maloof joke?  I think she should call her shoe line Maloof's Hoofs!  Get it?  Maloof?  Hoof?  It's good, right?"

"...and then I said 'Maloof's Hoofs!'  Ha!  Isn't that something?!"

"What are you talking about?  I specifically ordered those ugly oversized white lamps.  I basically just want 20 of them to sit there and visually ruin the party."

"I sure hope Russell doesn't hit anyone tonight, but if he does, I hope it's Camille."

"Totally!  She's nobody without Kelsey.  By the way, did you even know my boobs were this big?  I'm thinking I should teach blow-jays on the side."

"Lisa, I need to speak with you in private.  Giggy needs to go home.  He's not invited."

"Huh.  Isn't that interesting.  I was going to tell you a really funny joke, but now I'm not."

"Lisa, if he's not out of here in 5 seconds, I'm handing him over to Chef Bernie.  I really don't have time for this--I still have to put on another seven coats of make-up and then make sure none of my shoes will be visible on the runway (per legal advice)."

"You're quite rude, aren't you, darling?  Now you'll never hear my joke.  Never!  And it's good.  Quite brilliant, really."

"Not interested, bitch.  See ya."

"At least give me a fake hug.  But don't trip over your Maloof's Hoofs.  Bahahahaha!  There!  Told you it was bloody brilliant!"

"Ah, Christy.  Let this be a lesson to you:  with perseverance, other people's ideas, and a buttload of cash, dreams can turn into reality."

The best moment from last night, slightly reinterpreted

"What medications am I on?  Hmmm.  Let's see.  Chloroform, marzipan, listeria, tiricisjsjiengns and the odd spray of cranberry fir room freshener."

"Wow, that's enough to sedate an elephant.  No wonder everyone thinks you're a tweaker.  Wait--you're not drinking alcohol while you're on these meds, are you?"

 

  "Wha?  Oh no.  I'd never do that.  I don't touch alcohol anymore.  I would never never never drink alcohol while on these drugs because that would be....?????"

"Dangerous!"

 

  "Dangerous!  Absolutely!  I would never do something dangerous.  It'd be like burying your face in cocaine or something stupid like that, right?  Haha!  That probably wouldn't get a person extra-high or anything.  Would it?"

"Kim, that question concerns me.  Why do you ask?"

"No reason.  I'm just curious.  Curious Kim!  Curious Kim with a horrible controlling sister, no money and a beat-down hobo for a boyfriend.  Every reason to participate in a healthy, non-destructive lifestyle, Paul."

That's the conversation that was really happening.  We all know it.

Was anyone else disappointed that the psychic didn't turn to Faye Resnick and say "Nicole is here and she says OJ did it."  I was waiting for it.  Expecting it.  Why invite Faye to a seance if you're not going to ask about OJ?!  Total disregard of Chekov's gun, Andy Cohen.  

Thoughts on this season so far?  Is anyone watching Atlanta?  I accidentally did.  Missed you guys.  xxoo 

I'm headed to Casa Bonita tomorrow so if I don't return, these are my final thoughts.

1.  I was Rachel Zoe's biggest defender when her show first came out, but this season she and Joey are driving me to DRINK.  

"Okay Rach, let's rehearse.  I say something that is sterotypical campy gay, you say 'I wuv you, Zooey' and then we cash our ridiculously large check from Andy Cohen.  Oh, and don't let me forget to undermine Jeremiah's confidence next time I see him."

If Jeremiah weren't on this show, I'd be out.  Ah, who are we kidding.  I'd still watch.  But on mute.

2.  I am huge fan of Most Eligible Dallas.  There is no rational explantion for this.  The heart wants what the heart wants.  Are you with me?

3.  Unexpected delight:  the Beastie Boys' Ad Rock on Top Chef Desserts.

4. 

"Sorry I'm late!  You would not believe how hard it is to drive when you keep losing consciousness."

5.  Alas, look what's clawing itself out of the dumpster for a 4th season.  Even I can't go for another round of Atlanta. 

(Well, maybe an episode or two.  I kind of want to see Kim's baby.)

6.  Assuming I return from Casa Bonita, I will be doing some major cleaning up around here.  I'm applying for a very specific writing job and I don't want any potential employer to see my half-assed efforts or Joe Gorga erotica.  Everything will eventually come back, but I just wanted to let you know.  Thanks always for reading the blog, sugarpies.