Excuse me, Andy Cohen. May I have a word?
Tuesday, January 5, 2010 
This will just take a moment and then you can get back to your bitches.
1. I do not appreciate the Real Housewives of Orange County two week time-out over the holidays. Not only does it interrupt my carefully plotted and timed tv-watching rhythm, but let's wrap this shit UP already. In the time RHOC has not aired, I have completely lost all interest. My advice would be to air the remaining episodes on a Wednesday morning and start fresh with Real Housewives of NYC this Thursday night. I am dying to see how Jill and Bethenny's break up goes down, and I want to know how the Countess is handling her divorce from Count Viagra. Oh, and don't tell anyone, but I am kind of missing those gd freaks Alex and Simon. Shhhh!
2. Rumor (i.e. your twitter feed) has it that you are bringing back Work Out's Jackie Warner. I can't decide whether to tell you to stop this nonsense immediately or OMG, HURRY! She is absolutely riveting in her self-centered awfulness and hypocrisy. I just learned from her website that she's had 100% turnover with her trainers so there will a be a fresh group of employees for her to assault with her wrecking ball ego and vagina. Oh, how can I resist?
Rebecca: "Jackie, I love you! I'm glad you seduced me so unprofessionally in the workplace!"
Jackie: "Wow, how ironic, because I'm breaking up with you! And you're fired. Would you like to meet my new girlfriend?"
3. My New Year's resolution is to avoid Millionaire Matchmaker at all cost.
4. This last item is not related to Bravo, but I thought you should know. My husband Frank and I are very competitive. VERY. It keeps our love alive. However, it's usually a sad story for me because he creams my ass in pretty much everything, especially when it comes to video games. Then he gloats. Oh, the gloating!
WELL. It is with barely suppressed glee that I announce that I hold the records at our house for Wii Fit Plus Ski Slalom and Ski Jumping, records that he will NEVER beat. Ever! I'm that good. (I also hold the record for hula hooping, but we both have agreed that it's a not a real sport. Kind of like NASCAR.)
That's all. Thanks for your time and keep your pimp hand strong, my man.