Yes, Bethenny. WE ARE! Did you not see the cameras and boom mic on your way in? Time to get back to work, sister--that Skinnygirl car ain't gonna pay for itself.
Take a deep breath. Do you smell it? The stink of the rotting Orange County ladies has disappeared, and in its place is the fresh, briny air of the Hamptons and Ramoner's armpits. In terms of dialogue and brains, we have gone from nibbling on bread to eating the whole damn loaf and washing it down with a shot of Patrón. There's just so much more to...digest. Here is your Real Housewives of New York City recap:
1. Jill and the Countess are trudging toward the yacht Ramoner has borrowed for an end-of-summer party. "Ahm stahving. She bettah have some good food," are the pissy first words out of Jill's mouth. Ramoner, clad in a yellow bikini, runs out to greet them, hips swinging, eyes bulging, wine glass raised to the sky. Oh, how I have missed that crazy fucker Ramoner!
After accepting an exuberant boa constrictor hug, Jill narrows her eyes and starts looking everything up and down. "Who's yacht is this?" She takes off her sunglasses, peers at Ramoner. "What's different about you?" Ramoner offers up some ideas, "I've gained five pounds! I'm blonder! I'm renewed!" Jill shakes her head and everyone can read her mind: "there's NO WAY Ramoner can afford this yacht and she's too damn old be wearing a bikini." Jill confirms this to the camera. "Cover up!" she says grouchily.
Alex is the next to arrive. She approaches the yacht hesitantly, as if she's a crippled zebra who has been invited to dinner with the hyenas. Rightfully so! Ramoner hates Alex and Simon like Alexis Bellino hates ugly people. But Ramoner explains to the camera that in the spirit of renewal (which might conveniently remind you of Tru Renewal™), she thought "let me give Alex a fresh start with me." What a gift! She wraps a bewildered Alex in a warm, overly-familiar embrace and then nuzzles into Alex's neck.
Alex comments on Ramoner's new haircut while Ramoner flips her hair around violently, "I'm an older version of Cameron Diaz!" With her back to Ramoner, Jill sticks a finger down her throat. As if. Oh, Jill's not in a good mood, you guys.
"Alex, smell me. Older Cameron Diaz poached in wine, right?"
Then Ramoner sits everyone down and pulls out her collection of jewelry she's designed for HSN. Jill rolls her eyes, irritated at the "hawking of wares." Please. Jill's just upset that Ramoner is getting a free commercial and ZARIN FABRICS is not.
She pulls Ramoner's friend Joni (aka Amalita) aside and starts complaining about how cheap Ramoner is. Jill says that if it were her, she would tell everyone to pick out a piece of jewelry to take home. "Ramoner is cheap," Jill says, and to her, there is no greater insult. Joni defends Ramoner for a half a second before breaking down and telling Jill that when they went out to dinner the other night, Ramoner ordered a separate check. "Ahm done!" Jill is filled with disgust as she stands up to walk away.
Bethenny is conspicuously absent from this gathering (so is Kelly, but no one seems to care). Ramoner explains that Jill and Bethenny are fighting and Ramoner didn't invite Bethenny because she didn't want any drama (HA). Jill holds court on the matter, telling everyone about the voicemail where Bethenny tells her to "get a hawby." If you missed this part, don't worry; Jill repeats the story approximately 34 times this season. Jill says that her BFF relationship with Bethenny turned out to be "all about what I could do for her." She tells the camera with finality: "I hadda cuddah out like cansuh." OH SHIT.
2. Cut to Bethenny, who is posing for the now famous PETA ad. She speaks giddily of her boyfriend Jason. A LOT. As in, "did you send that nude picture of me to Jason? Wait til Jason sees this! Jason is my boyfriend. We are in love, and it is mutual. Have you sent the picture to my boyfriend yet? You know, JASON?"
Who are you, Bethenny Frankel?
"Bethenny, Jason called and says he wants you to jump."
"No problem. Did he say whether he wanted a swan dive or feet first?"
Was anyone else thinking about their own butt from this angle? I could be a spokesperson for cottage cheese.
3. And we're back on the boat. Ramoner and the Countess are loving it up on the deck, hugging and cooing until LuAnn, employing the Real Housewives Pearl Harbor Method of Confrontation, abruptly says "...but your husband." She goes on say that Mario called her "Count-less" under his breath while they were at some rich people event and it hurt her feelings. Ramona is briefly apologetic but turns defensive when LuAnn starts demanding some sympathy from Ramoner: "With what I've been through, can you imagine how that felt?"
Yeah, don't expect Ramoner to nuzzle you on this one, Princess. Oops, I mean Countess. Ramoner shrugs it off and says that Mario was just being "playful." What? Even I don't believe that. He clearly was taking a jab at LuAnn (and for the record, I'm totally cool with that). Jill pops her head into the screen: "It was insenstive! ZARIN FABRICS!"
There's more back and forth until Ramoner, eyes twitching, shouts "You're making a mountain out of a hole hill, LuAnn!" Yes! A HOLE HILL! Then Jill, as if speaking to a child, tries to explain exactly why and how what Mario said was hurtful. But Ramoner is focussed on LuAnn who is lounging smugly in her seat. "There are no titles in the U.S.!" Ramoner cries, and my eyes widen with appreciation. But then Ramoner proceeds to lose it, spiraling down into an interpretive dance of crazy: crouch, leap, shriek, repeat. "You're not following your own rules, COUNTESS! You're ruining my day!" she screams before storming into the cabin.
Ramoner is inside getting hysterical ("I'm a nice person! They're mean girls!") while outside, Jill and the Countess are trash talking Ramoner with a secretly thrilled Alex, who's thinking "I'm IN. I'm finally IN. Wait til I tell Simon!"
The Countess eventually decides to find Ramoner, and when she does, Ramoner pops up cheerily, tears still on her face, and asks the Countess if she likes Patrón. "LuAnn, I adore you!" she adds. What? "What is the toast?" says LuAnn, because we must always have a chin-chin, and Ramoner blathers incoherently about happiness. Ramoner gives LuAnn a wine glass filled with a little tequila and clinks it roughly with her own.
Cut to Jill who says to the camera, "I couldn't wait to get off this fricking boat."
4. Bethenny is at her condo after the photoshoot. She explains to her assistant why she and Jill are fighting. "She cannot be happy for me unless it directly benefits her. The whole summer it was 'what about me' and it was very grabby. I don't like grabby. Jason doesn't like grabby." She talks about the "get a hobby" message. Jason was right there when she said it!
Ding dong, guess who arrives? JASON! There is baby talk that just hurts my teeth, and then Jason gently reprimands Bethenny for sending him a nudie photo at work. The whole photoshoot was "just uncomfortable" for him because Bethenny's cans are something that should be for just the two of them. Oh honey, have you not seen the previews for this season? We see Bethenny in the BATHROOM TAKING A PREGNANCY TEST. It's time you realize that there are no private moments when you are married to Skinnygirl, Inc.
5. Back in the Hamptons, Jill and LuAnn meet Kelly for lunch. Jill approaches Kelly, speaking in her native language of Kvetch: "Outside? Ya sitting outside? It's hot! Look at me, Ahm gonna melt!" Oh GOD please make it stop! Jill explains to the camera that she'd like to give Kelly another chance. Okay. Whatever. Jill tells Kelly that she's staying with LuAnn. To the camera, she says proudly "we sold our house at the top of the market." I half expect her to shrug modestly and say "and the rich get richer."
WHY do I have all of this anger toward Jill?
The women talk about Kelly's arrest and LuAnn's divorce. I actually understand everything that comes out of Kelly's mouth, which worries me. I even understand "I want to be Robin to a Batman." Help.
Jill's turn. She's had a rough summer because Bobby was diagnosed with thyroid cansuh. Guess who didn't visit Bobby in the hospital? Bethenny. She sent flowers instead. "My mailman sent flowers," Jill says. Really? You must have a pretty close relationship with your mailman. Then Jill tells the Bethenny Voicemail Story. She told Jill to get a hobby, can you believe it?! Sigh.
"I would never want to cross [Bethenny]," Kelly reflects, "because she would attack me or say something bad." Um, remember The Brass Monkey Incident, you dumbshit? You have had first-hand experience with Bethenny and her wood-chipper mouth. "That's not a friend," Kelly explains. "That's a foe." So perceptive.
6. This next scene, the fight between Bethenny and LuAnn, I cannot do it justice. I will attempt it, but please know that it was one hundred times better than I could ever describe it.
Jason, driving the godawful Skinnygirl car, drops Bethenny off for a mandatory drinks meeting with her co-worker LuAnn. Bethenny's annoyed because 1) she doesn't really want to be there in the first place (JASON, you know) and 2) LuAnn insisted last minute that Bethenny come to her in the Hamptons.
Bethenny greets LuAnn tiredly and mentions that it took her 2 hours to get there. "Darling, it's Labor Day weekend," LuAnn says in her typically condescending manner. "No, but you don't understand--" Bethenny starts, only to interrupted by "I know, that's why you're late." No, actually that's not what Bethenny meant AT ALL, and she explains that she was really put out by LuAnn's selfish request that B drag her ass to the Hamptons. LuAnn says a bunch of b.s. that loosely translates to "Bethenny, don't you understand that my needs are more important than yours?"
Then the Countess puts a little smirk on her face and goes in for the passive-aggressive kill. "Are you inviting me for drinks and then going to complain that I didn't pay up? I just want to be clear." Cue the side-eye.
Bethenny doesn't quite believe what she's hearing and says that yes, she will pick up the tab. LuAnn starts to lecture about "in my world, when you invite somone, you pick up the tab." She is referring, of course, to the offhand comment Bethenny made at the beginning of Season 2 when Countess Snootypants ran off leaving Bethenny to pay for their surfing lesson.
Bethenny's eyes grow wide as saucers and she says something to the effect of "are you fucking kidding me?" Nope. LuAnn's totally serious, and I want to punch her in her self-satisfied face. "I can't be friendly with you if you're making snarky comments behind my back," she says. Bethenny makes a magnificent and impassioned statement to the camera: "your house does not have one inch that's not glass and I'm gonna take a rock and throw it straight through every window right now." The crowd roars!
Bethenny, going 100 miles per hour, proceeds to call LuAnn a hypocrite (sound familiar, LuAnn?) and tells her she's so tired of all of the scolding about manners. She gives specific examples and LuAnn just sputters. She can tell she's losing this battle and attacks from a different angle--Bethenny was not there for her when she was going through her divorce. "I sent you a gift basket!" Bethenny exclaims, "we're not great friends!"
They get all heated and LuAnn suddenly calls a truce and offers up her glass for a toast. Bethenny's head almost pops off. "No," she says. "I need a minute." To the camera she says "After I just ripped off your whole costume, you want a truce?!"
They try to chill out and change the subject. LuAnn asks about the Skinnygirl car, rasing her eyebrows and making clear she thinks that car is the very definition of tacky. Which it is. Bethenny tries to explain that it's a brand just like Hermes (little bit of a stretch) but LuAnn's not listening and says something stupid (I wasn't listening either) to which Bethenny tells the camera "EXACTLY, YOU DUMB DRAG QUEEN!" Oh, how I loved that part!
Bethenny just wants to get out of there so she makes an insincere apology for the surfing comment and then they both say that they will be "real" with each other. Bethenny reluctantly gives LuAnn a fake hug that makes her, along with the rest of us, feel dirty inside.
Then it's over. My head is spinning. This season is going to be straight out of Andy Cohen's sweaty dreams.
Let 'er rip!
Thursday, April 15, 2010 
