Excuse me, Andy Cohen. May I have a word?
Tuesday, January 5, 2010 
This will just take a moment and then you can get back to your bitches.
1. I do not appreciate the Real Housewives of Orange County two week time-out over the holidays. Not only does it interrupt my carefully plotted and timed tv-watching rhythm, but let's wrap this shit UP already. In the time RHOC has not aired, I have completely lost all interest. My advice would be to air the remaining episodes on a Wednesday morning and start fresh with Real Housewives of NYC this Thursday night. I am dying to see how Jill and Bethenny's break up goes down, and I want to know how the Countess is handling her divorce from Count Viagra. Oh, and don't tell anyone, but I am kind of missing those gd freaks Alex and Simon. Shhhh!
2. Rumor (i.e. your twitter feed) has it that you are bringing back Work Out's Jackie Warner. I can't decide whether to tell you to stop this nonsense immediately or OMG, HURRY! She is absolutely riveting in her self-centered awfulness and hypocrisy. I just learned from her website that she's had 100% turnover with her trainers so there will a be a fresh group of employees for her to assault with her wrecking ball ego and vagina. Oh, how can I resist?
Rebecca: "Jackie, I love you! I'm glad you seduced me so unprofessionally in the workplace!"
Jackie: "Wow, how ironic, because I'm breaking up with you! And you're fired. Would you like to meet my new girlfriend?"
3. My New Year's resolution is to avoid Millionaire Matchmaker at all cost.
4. This last item is not related to Bravo, but I thought you should know. My husband Frank and I are very competitive. VERY. It keeps our love alive. However, it's usually a sad story for me because he creams my ass in pretty much everything, especially when it comes to video games. Then he gloats. Oh, the gloating!
WELL. It is with barely suppressed glee that I announce that I hold the records at our house for Wii Fit Plus Ski Slalom and Ski Jumping, records that he will NEVER beat. Ever! I'm that good. (I also hold the record for hula hooping, but we both have agreed that it's a not a real sport. Kind of like NASCAR.)
That's all. Thanks for your time and keep your pimp hand strong, my man.
Reader Comments (34)
I stand behind you on the Millionaire Matchmaker boycott. But, I have considered tuning in to verify that her engagement ring is, in fact, -- wait for it -- HEART SHAPED!? Did anyone else notice this on the previews for the new season? Were my eyes deceiving me?
Fuck me; Fletcher is available for private training and Mathue too. TMI I know, however, I'm creaming myself...absolutely mother fucking creaming myself. Thank you for the morning treat SGM; beats a bagel anyday.
i was in the line up of stupid motherfuking assholes who watched every episode of work out, so i am excited to see my lesbo tendencies come back.
and i so miss the ny girls. i have no time for those OC fuckers. all orange and old.
have u seen bethenny's naked ass peta add?
The 2-week TV hiatus is killing me too. No RHOC or Jersey Shore is not good for my psyche. I have mixed feelings on the pity party that is this season, but I am dedicated and will stick with it through the end.
I have a love/hate relationship with Jackie, so I know if it comes back, I will watch. And then I will tell everyone I hate it. But then keep watching.
I cannot avoid Millionaire Matchmaker because whatsherface does indeed have a heart-shaped engagement ring and looks like she is being airbrushed to hell & back.
Claudia, I wouldn't be surprised. Just another reason for the boycott.
gayhooker, their hourly rates are cheaper than yours--get on it!
mfamb, yes I saw her ad. Trying to ignore it. She has a fab bod, airbrushed or not.
sarah, I thank you for your dedication to OC and Work Out. I know you will be with me in the trenches watching this crap when all others have abandoned. I might have to ask you to send me private emails updating me on Millionaire Matchmaker.
Dear Mrs. SGM:
I find your attempts to publicly humiliate me to be childish and petty. I am surprised that you did not tell your readers how you beat me in Battleship then again that makes sense because as you were pulling the game pieces off you were forced to admit you cheated. I would like to remind you that your children ask to watch you play Wii Fit because they, and I quote, "need a good laugh."
It is now on! I will begin training for Slalom and Ski Jump. I believe I will be hiring Ericka, Renessa and Rebecca, formerly of Sky Sport & Spa, to help train me for these demanding events, not to mention the possibility of seeing the three of them scissor up. I am so confident in my Wii abilities that I propose a little challenge: On January 16, 2010, we will have a competition in both events. If I win you will post a picture of your ass and if you win I will write a loving Ode to SGM for you to post if you so choose. I will know that you have accepted this challenge if when I get home tonight our children are not fed and you are in front of the TV standing on the Wii fit practicing because you know you better start practicing right now if you have any chance.
I would say "bring it" but is has already been broughten.
Love,
Frank
omg i srsly heart frank.
Frank, I will comfort you in your defeat.
Mr. Millstein:
Mr. Millstein:
There will be no need to comfort me. SGM is going to need tons of it. The words of Ivan Drago to Rocky, "I will break you," should be ringing in SGM's ears right now. Which reminds me, all of SGM's readers should be prepared to receive no recaps of any shows until after the 16th as our TVs will be used for my training. And when I am too exhausted from training they will be playing on a continuous loop Rocky, Rocky II, Rocky III, Rocky IV (even I cannot watch V and Rocky Balboa) as well as Hoosiers and Rudy to get me in the proper frame of mind (I might even add in Braveheart now and again just because I know how much SGM loves watching it.)
Frank
Oh God, what have I done?
longest too weeks of my life but i might be a little less dummer.
In my marriage, I have never, ever won a game of air hockey. I have tried and not even come close. I'll have to bust out the wii fit and see if I can find a game I can win!
I bet Frank creams your ass.....EV-ER-REE NIGHT!
I sooo love you two. Seriously, I want to move in with you. Can I please? I require little sustenance and love Bravo so we are a match made in heaven.
Oh, and instead of pictures, how about a video of the competition?
Harvey Millstein, CID: no emailing = bitchassness
Frank: When can we have Sunday morning phone sex again?
SGM: I booked and bought for the 16th competition. A) Will Chez SGM be serving popcorn? B) Will I have to sleep at the sour-pussed mormon neighbor's house in fear I may molest Frank in his sleep after a drunken defeat?
I'm with you in anxiously awaiting the return of RHONYC. I CANNOT WAIT!
and yeah I'm so over those sad excuses known as the OC housewives. let's end the season already.
Frank,
After such vigorous training, you will need a rub down. It's simply a fact of medical science.
Dear SGM Fans:
I love you all and because of that love I decided to give you back your recap artist. I knew it would be unfair for me to take her away from you by taking the TV away from her training for the Wii competition and running the Rocky marathon when I was resting from my vigorous training sessions. Therefore, I went ahead and destroyed both of SGM's records on Slalom and Ski Jumping this evening. She is all yours now and I look forward to posting a picture of her sweet ass for you all to admire.
Very truly yours,
Frank
I really love this site! LOL
Gayhooker, usually I see your comments and think they are so funny. But this is twice now that you have insulted a religion. Please stop.
fed up: Explain to me how I insulted a religion in *MY* previous comment.
Harvey (aka fed up): You know I love you...
It wasn't me.
Listen everyone--remember that we are here to mercilessly make fun of celebs and reality stars. Leave your religious jabs at the door (unless it's Scientology, in which case you may unleash).
Thanks.