Oh, Vicki. You do. I'm sure you also know that Simon has no choice but to kill you. See those bunny ears? That means you are marked for death. A slow, painful death in which you will be shackled to the walls of Simon's tequila cellar, deprived of wi-fi, French manicures and long, pointy needles sliding into your forehead. When your body starts to wrinkle and go into shock, you will be forced to listen to Alexis tell long, boring stories. It the cruelest way to die.
What happened on this week's Real Housewives of Orange County? Everyone got drunk, fought, and one housewife broke down into blubbery tears. In other words, same as last week. This formula WORKS. Here's your recap:
1. Having learned nothing from Pam Anderson, Tamra decides tattoo Simon's name on her ring finger. An excellent solution to feeling divorcey, don't you think? She asks her son Ryan, an expert in bad tattoo decisions, if he thinks she's making a mistake. He hesitates and then says, "you're doing it for a reason." Cryptic! But not really.
"Ouch! This is almost as painful as Simon's withering glares of disapproval."
Word to the wise: when Ryan implies you're making a tattoo mistake, you're making a HUGE FUCKING MISTAKE.
2. Gretchen visits Vicki at Coto Insurance to get advice on Gretchen Christine Byooo-Tay. They go in for a hug with smiles and squeals and my eyes cross in confusion. Doesn't Vicki vibrate with anger at the mere mention of Gretchen? Yes, but apparently she can overlook her hatred because for the first time ever, someone actually wants her advice, even if it is that slut Gretchen.
After giving Gretch's prototypes the briefest of glances and pretending to listen to the business plan, Vicki tells the camera that Gretchen is screwed. What's next on Vicki's agenda? Oh yes, asking rude and irrelevant questions: how much money did you get from Jeff? Does Slade have a job? Is Slade paying for any of this? (TRICK QUESTION, we all know Slade is broke.) Gretchen leaves the meeting feeling violated/verbally groped by Vicki.
3. Alexis and Jim drive to Palm Desert to stay at the Marriott, the place where they first met. The weekend is almost ruined when Alexis admits she only brought one bathing suit. After giving her a good berating, Jim informs her that he will buy her a bikini. WHEW. Crisis averted.
Bravo loves to highlight Jim's buffoonery, and for this I am grateful. We see him calling the flamingos "swans" (were they flamingos? they sure as hell weren't swans), telling Alexis what she wants to drink, and obnoxiously announcing the price of their suite ("an affordable rate of $2985 a night!"). And the best one--did you all see his attempt to be chill, telling the waitress, "the [mumble] or the claret, your choice" but then the fucker can't help himself and calls out "...but probably not the claret!" as she walks away.
Jim: "Am I high-maintenance? Of course I am. L-----ook at me."
Alexis: "Hey that's my line!"
Jim: "No it's not. I thought of it a long time ago, before we ever met. You must have heard me say it, and you picked up on it."
Alexis: "Oh yes, I'm sure you're right. As usual!"
Waitress (in Spanish): "I am going to rub your appetizer in my armpits before I serve it to you."
4. Tamra and Simon hop on a hog (the motorcycle, not Vicki) and head to Newport Beach with some friends. When they stop for food, Simon is all sweaty and Tamra says, "do you want me to blow you off?" Muy husband, who happened to be passing through the room at that time, whipped around and said "WHA?" Tamra literally meant breathing air onto Simon's neck to cool him off, but Bravo and the rest of the country (well, the women) were thinking, "ew, sweaty balls!"
In the restaurant, Tamra informs Simon that she needs to tell him something. She draws it out forever, as in "and the final rose goes to..." forever. Simon, visibly nervous, says "is this the appropriate time?" Tamra pauses for about half an hour before she finally removes her ring to show him her tattoo. "I was expecting another man," he murmurs. Okay, unusual reaction, but he seems happily surprised; he even has tears in his eyes.
"So let me get this straight, you're NOT sleeping with the guy next to me?"
BUT THEN, he utters the opening line to the sad song known as Prelude to a Divorce: "It's the first unselfish thing you've done in a long time." He says it with a big smile on his face, and Tamra has a "what the f did he just say?" frozen smile on her face. I'm guessing that's when Tamra thought to herself, "I wonder if I can remove this tattoo with a cheese grater."
5. Now for the good stuff! Lynne's housewarming party. We see Lynne roaming around, getting ready. She tells the camera that whenever the Housewives get together, there's always drama. "That's what they pay us for," she shrugs. Oh! I just made that up. What she really says is, "as long as there's a couple bottles of champagne, I think we can all be friends." Love her optimism.
Tamra and Simon are the first ones to arrive, and I'm pretty sure Tamra's already drunk. She's a closet drinker, you know (see below). "I love this house," Simon says. Yeah, well don't get used to it, buddy. Everyone immediately heads to the kitchen to do a shot. One is done regular-style, and the other is done while doing squats, per orders of Lynne.
"Tamra, this is a squat shot, not a crotch shot. Close your eyes and stop winking at my husband."
They move out to the bar on the deck for more drinks. I tell you, Lynne's husband Frank is a really amiable guy and I continue to be astonished that he lost the best husband contest to Jim. Had to be rigged.
The subject of Vicki comes up. Simon hates her. Thinks she's a miserable person and a bad influence on Tamra. Tamra really wants Simon and Vicki to be friends, and in her inebriated state, she thinks this might happen tonight. WRONG.
All of the other Housewives arrive and it is BOOBS GALORE. Lynne mentions to the camera that she and Gretchen have made up and says, "I really do care for Gretchen." Pause. "I don't know about Slade so much." Heh.
Tamra is staggering around and Simon suggests that she drink some water. Vicki raises an eyebrow as if to say "OMG HE'S SO CONTROLLING AND ABUSIVE." Then Gretchen tells the camera that she's heard Tamra is a closet drinker. I suspect some editing tomfoolery here because it just didn't sound right. But it's a juicy rumor, and I'm all in favor of that.
Vicki and Simon bump into each other out by the bar. Simon's a little tipsy and ready to be nice. Vicki, on the other hand, is a little tipsy and ready to throw down (depsite her chanting of "high road, high road, high road" earlier in the night). Watch the clip here.
After Vicki is a hardcore bitch and Simon storms off, Vicki says some ridiculous shit to Tamra such as, "why don't you stand up for me [when I yell at your husband]?" and "I could give a rat's ass about your marriage!" What a good friend. Then Vicki's all "refresh my memory on why Simon thinks I'm interfering in your marriage?" Turns out Tamra had confided in Vicki about some marital problems and then Vicki turned around and told Simon that he was too controlling. Oh yeah, that. Vicki doesn't even bat an eye when betraying confidences. Just ask Jeana.
"...and then she told me that you do this thing in bed that makes her feel like she's having a gynological exam. Remember that, Tamra? Oh, and if you could stop clipping your toenails in front of the tv, she would appreciate it."
Now Simon is glaring at Vicki from inside the house, but the visual effect of his fury is somewhat diminished by the fact that he's sipping his drink with a straw. "Fuck this, I'm outta here," he finally says, leaving the house. Tamra sees this and runs after him. What he tells her confirms what I have long suspected: "Their [Vicki and Donn's] marriage sucks. He cries. He calls me up crying!" Oh, the pain, the PAIN I feel in my heart at this point! Simon goes on: "She's not a good friend, she doesn't like that we're happy. I've never controlled you! Right? RIGHT?!" Then he pinches her arm really hard (just kidding, but wouldn't that have been awesome?). Both of the Barneys are crying and they become united against Vicki.
OH GOD this is so long but there are NUANCES that I must describe. Tamra and Simon walk back in and start complaining about Vicki TO GRETCHEN, who is completely bewildered by this sudden shift of alliance. Vicki, meanwhile, is complaining to Donn, "I don't take bullshit from anyone." Yeah, you just make your husband so sad that he cries to his acquaintance Simon Barney.
When everyone sits down to dinner, Simon and Vicki end up seated next to each other. Vicki is nasty and sullking and I think I see tears in Donn's eyes. During dinner, everyone takes turns telling the story of how they met (again Lynne's husband Frank shines). When it's Alexis and Jim's turn, Alexis starts in on the most detailed, boring story ever. Bravo even does a time-lapse special effect. Everyone else smiles and waits it out, but Vicki can't. OH NO. She starts fake-snoring. We don't see it, but according to Alexis, it's not a good-humored quick snore, but a prolonged, rude snore.
Alexis feels insulted. Lynne says to the camera, "maybe she was snoring because she was really tired. She does work really hard." Oh no, Lynne, NO. Vicki brushes it off to the group as "Alexis doesn't know our humor."
Donn somehow diffuses the situation with his warm eyes and easy smile, and Vicki leaves the table for some unknown reason (probably to sharpen her teeth). Then everyone starts in on the Florida trip and how Donn wasn't invited. The badger him about "doesn't it bother you?" and now Donn is upset, which makes me upset. "I had to work!" Don finally says. Vicki comes back and insinuates that no one in the room works except for Donn and her. According to Vicki, she and Donn work their fingers to the bone while everyone else in the room lolls around all day. "They don't work" she repeats matter-of-factly to the camera. I so wish someone would have stood up and said "oh YEAH? They why does Bravo give me a paycheck, asshole?"
But everyone just sits there, STUNNED and OFFENDED.
Vicki's turn to pull the "I'm outta here" move, and as soon as she and Donn are ensconced in their limo (must be one of the perks of having a job), she bursts into tears. Oh dear, did someone hurt the widdle bully's feelings? As reader Muffy notes, Vicki looks like a kabuki actor with her white/pink sobbing face and orange skin.
Donn's a little drunky and just wants to go to bed, but his wife is slobbery and bawling and he must console her. "What do you want me to do?" he finally says.
"Kick [Simon's] ass," Vicki manages to gasp.
"What are you, high school?" Donn asks.
Have you looked at her lately, Donn? High schoolers don't have leathery, sun-damaged skin and an obsession with insurance. Sheesh.
Meanwhile, everyone at the dinner party is Vicki-bashing and I feel strangely elated.
Then suddenly, it's the next day (or so Bravo wants us to believe) and guess what? The Curtins are served with an eviction notice.
Poor Raquel. Obviously no one called to warn her that this would be filmed. I wish she would have at least had time to put on her captain's hat before answering the door.
THE END.
What a bitter recap! Long term effects of watching this show, I suppose. You all commented up a storm on the last RHOC post, so if you're all talked out on this subject (but I hope you're not), then at least tell me what you ate during the Superbowl.
Go!
Thursday, February 11, 2010 
