"Simon knows I know too much."
Monday, February 8, 2010 
Oh, Vicki. You do. I'm sure you also know that Simon has no choice but to kill you. See those bunny ears? That means you are marked for death. A slow, painful death in which you will be shackled to the walls of Simon's tequila cellar, deprived of wi-fi, French manicures and long, pointy needles sliding into your forehead. When your body starts to wrinkle and go into shock, you will be forced to listen to Alexis tell long, boring stories. It the cruelest way to die.
What happened on this week's Real Housewives of Orange County? Everyone got drunk, fought, and one housewife broke down into blubbery tears. In other words, same as last week. This formula WORKS. Here's your recap:
1. Having learned nothing from Pam Anderson, Tamra decides tattoo Simon's name on her ring finger. An excellent solution to feeling divorcey, don't you think? She asks her son Ryan, an expert in bad tattoo decisions, if he thinks she's making a mistake. He hesitates and then says, "you're doing it for a reason." Cryptic! But not really.
"Ouch! This is almost as painful as Simon's withering glares of disapproval."
Word to the wise: when Ryan implies you're making a tattoo mistake, you're making a HUGE FUCKING MISTAKE.
2. Gretchen visits Vicki at Coto Insurance to get advice on Gretchen Christine Byooo-Tay. They go in for a hug with smiles and squeals and my eyes cross in confusion. Doesn't Vicki vibrate with anger at the mere mention of Gretchen? Yes, but apparently she can overlook her hatred because for the first time ever, someone actually wants her advice, even if it is that slut Gretchen.
After giving Gretch's prototypes the briefest of glances and pretending to listen to the business plan, Vicki tells the camera that Gretchen is screwed. What's next on Vicki's agenda? Oh yes, asking rude and irrelevant questions: how much money did you get from Jeff? Does Slade have a job? Is Slade paying for any of this? (TRICK QUESTION, we all know Slade is broke.) Gretchen leaves the meeting feeling violated/verbally groped by Vicki.
3. Alexis and Jim drive to Palm Desert to stay at the Marriott, the place where they first met. The weekend is almost ruined when Alexis admits she only brought one bathing suit. After giving her a good berating, Jim informs her that he will buy her a bikini. WHEW. Crisis averted.
Bravo loves to highlight Jim's buffoonery, and for this I am grateful. We see him calling the flamingos "swans" (were they flamingos? they sure as hell weren't swans), telling Alexis what she wants to drink, and obnoxiously announcing the price of their suite ("an affordable rate of $2985 a night!"). And the best one--did you all see his attempt to be chill, telling the waitress, "the [mumble] or the claret, your choice" but then the fucker can't help himself and calls out "...but probably not the claret!" as she walks away.
Jim: "Am I high-maintenance? Of course I am. L-----ook at me."
Alexis: "Hey that's my line!"
Jim: "No it's not. I thought of it a long time ago, before we ever met. You must have heard me say it, and you picked up on it."
Alexis: "Oh yes, I'm sure you're right. As usual!"
Waitress (in Spanish): "I am going to rub your appetizer in my armpits before I serve it to you."
4. Tamra and Simon hop on a hog (the motorcycle, not Vicki) and head to Newport Beach with some friends. When they stop for food, Simon is all sweaty and Tamra says, "do you want me to blow you off?" Muy husband, who happened to be passing through the room at that time, whipped around and said "WHA?" Tamra literally meant breathing air onto Simon's neck to cool him off, but Bravo and the rest of the country (well, the women) were thinking, "ew, sweaty balls!"
In the restaurant, Tamra informs Simon that she needs to tell him something. She draws it out forever, as in "and the final rose goes to..." forever. Simon, visibly nervous, says "is this the appropriate time?" Tamra pauses for about half an hour before she finally removes her ring to show him her tattoo. "I was expecting another man," he murmurs. Okay, unusual reaction, but he seems happily surprised; he even has tears in his eyes.
"So let me get this straight, you're NOT sleeping with the guy next to me?"
BUT THEN, he utters the opening line to the sad song known as Prelude to a Divorce: "It's the first unselfish thing you've done in a long time." He says it with a big smile on his face, and Tamra has a "what the f did he just say?" frozen smile on her face. I'm guessing that's when Tamra thought to herself, "I wonder if I can remove this tattoo with a cheese grater."
5. Now for the good stuff! Lynne's housewarming party. We see Lynne roaming around, getting ready. She tells the camera that whenever the Housewives get together, there's always drama. "That's what they pay us for," she shrugs. Oh! I just made that up. What she really says is, "as long as there's a couple bottles of champagne, I think we can all be friends." Love her optimism.
Tamra and Simon are the first ones to arrive, and I'm pretty sure Tamra's already drunk. She's a closet drinker, you know (see below). "I love this house," Simon says. Yeah, well don't get used to it, buddy. Everyone immediately heads to the kitchen to do a shot. One is done regular-style, and the other is done while doing squats, per orders of Lynne.
"Tamra, this is a squat shot, not a crotch shot. Close your eyes and stop winking at my husband."
They move out to the bar on the deck for more drinks. I tell you, Lynne's husband Frank is a really amiable guy and I continue to be astonished that he lost the best husband contest to Jim. Had to be rigged.
The subject of Vicki comes up. Simon hates her. Thinks she's a miserable person and a bad influence on Tamra. Tamra really wants Simon and Vicki to be friends, and in her inebriated state, she thinks this might happen tonight. WRONG.
All of the other Housewives arrive and it is BOOBS GALORE. Lynne mentions to the camera that she and Gretchen have made up and says, "I really do care for Gretchen." Pause. "I don't know about Slade so much." Heh.
Tamra is staggering around and Simon suggests that she drink some water. Vicki raises an eyebrow as if to say "OMG HE'S SO CONTROLLING AND ABUSIVE." Then Gretchen tells the camera that she's heard Tamra is a closet drinker. I suspect some editing tomfoolery here because it just didn't sound right. But it's a juicy rumor, and I'm all in favor of that.
Vicki and Simon bump into each other out by the bar. Simon's a little tipsy and ready to be nice. Vicki, on the other hand, is a little tipsy and ready to throw down (depsite her chanting of "high road, high road, high road" earlier in the night). Watch the clip here.
After Vicki is a hardcore bitch and Simon storms off, Vicki says some ridiculous shit to Tamra such as, "why don't you stand up for me [when I yell at your husband]?" and "I could give a rat's ass about your marriage!" What a good friend. Then Vicki's all "refresh my memory on why Simon thinks I'm interfering in your marriage?" Turns out Tamra had confided in Vicki about some marital problems and then Vicki turned around and told Simon that he was too controlling. Oh yeah, that. Vicki doesn't even bat an eye when betraying confidences. Just ask Jeana.
"...and then she told me that you do this thing in bed that makes her feel like she's having a gynological exam. Remember that, Tamra? Oh, and if you could stop clipping your toenails in front of the tv, she would appreciate it."
Now Simon is glaring at Vicki from inside the house, but the visual effect of his fury is somewhat diminished by the fact that he's sipping his drink with a straw. "Fuck this, I'm outta here," he finally says, leaving the house. Tamra sees this and runs after him. What he tells her confirms what I have long suspected: "Their [Vicki and Donn's] marriage sucks. He cries. He calls me up crying!" Oh, the pain, the PAIN I feel in my heart at this point! Simon goes on: "She's not a good friend, she doesn't like that we're happy. I've never controlled you! Right? RIGHT?!" Then he pinches her arm really hard (just kidding, but wouldn't that have been awesome?). Both of the Barneys are crying and they become united against Vicki.
OH GOD this is so long but there are NUANCES that I must describe. Tamra and Simon walk back in and start complaining about Vicki TO GRETCHEN, who is completely bewildered by this sudden shift of alliance. Vicki, meanwhile, is complaining to Donn, "I don't take bullshit from anyone." Yeah, you just make your husband so sad that he cries to his acquaintance Simon Barney.
When everyone sits down to dinner, Simon and Vicki end up seated next to each other. Vicki is nasty and sullking and I think I see tears in Donn's eyes. During dinner, everyone takes turns telling the story of how they met (again Lynne's husband Frank shines). When it's Alexis and Jim's turn, Alexis starts in on the most detailed, boring story ever. Bravo even does a time-lapse special effect. Everyone else smiles and waits it out, but Vicki can't. OH NO. She starts fake-snoring. We don't see it, but according to Alexis, it's not a good-humored quick snore, but a prolonged, rude snore.
Alexis feels insulted. Lynne says to the camera, "maybe she was snoring because she was really tired. She does work really hard." Oh no, Lynne, NO. Vicki brushes it off to the group as "Alexis doesn't know our humor."
Donn somehow diffuses the situation with his warm eyes and easy smile, and Vicki leaves the table for some unknown reason (probably to sharpen her teeth). Then everyone starts in on the Florida trip and how Donn wasn't invited. The badger him about "doesn't it bother you?" and now Donn is upset, which makes me upset. "I had to work!" Don finally says. Vicki comes back and insinuates that no one in the room works except for Donn and her. According to Vicki, she and Donn work their fingers to the bone while everyone else in the room lolls around all day. "They don't work" she repeats matter-of-factly to the camera. I so wish someone would have stood up and said "oh YEAH? They why does Bravo give me a paycheck, asshole?"
But everyone just sits there, STUNNED and OFFENDED.
Vicki's turn to pull the "I'm outta here" move, and as soon as she and Donn are ensconced in their limo (must be one of the perks of having a job), she bursts into tears. Oh dear, did someone hurt the widdle bully's feelings? As reader Muffy notes, Vicki looks like a kabuki actor with her white/pink sobbing face and orange skin.
Donn's a little drunky and just wants to go to bed, but his wife is slobbery and bawling and he must console her. "What do you want me to do?" he finally says.
"Kick [Simon's] ass," Vicki manages to gasp.
"What are you, high school?" Donn asks.
Have you looked at her lately, Donn? High schoolers don't have leathery, sun-damaged skin and an obsession with insurance. Sheesh.
Meanwhile, everyone at the dinner party is Vicki-bashing and I feel strangely elated.
Then suddenly, it's the next day (or so Bravo wants us to believe) and guess what? The Curtins are served with an eviction notice.
Poor Raquel. Obviously no one called to warn her that this would be filmed. I wish she would have at least had time to put on her captain's hat before answering the door.
THE END.
What a bitter recap! Long term effects of watching this show, I suppose. You all commented up a storm on the last RHOC post, so if you're all talked out on this subject (but I hope you're not), then at least tell me what you ate during the Superbowl.
Go!
Reader Comments (34)
Did you catch the part when Simon and Vicky hugged hello, Tamra started yelling in this shrill voice "Do you know Simon, Vicky?? Do you know Simon?? hee hee" It was cringe inducing.
And I can appreciate the way Simon reprimanded Tamra outside after the verbal altercation. That is exactly the way I handle my 5yr old after he gets upset at the park if someone pushes him.
SGM, et tu?!
Whoa, this is the first time I've completely disagreed w/ everything in your post. It's as if we watched two completely different episodes.
From what I saw, Simon was actually the agressor in his argument w/ Vicky. When he approached them she forced a smile and asked if they were good. Instead of nodding politely to avoid conflict at someone else's party, he did his typical passive agressive number and replied, "Sure, as long as you stay out of my marriage." He might as well have smacked her across the face w/ a glove 'cause it was on...
Also, it looks to me like Tamra is playing them both against one another. If you recall, the Don/Vicky/Tamra/Simon quad were hanging pretty tight last season. I imagine Tamra told Vicky some really unpleasant things about Simon and Vicky, being the single-minded nut that she is, felt it was "helping" by trying to advise the very shady Tamra. I also would bet money that the comment about Donn crying to him on the phone occured (probably only once while drunk) during last season's filming as well.
Bottom line, this episode is the reason I had stopped watching this group of housewives. The entire cast seem like a bunch of rejects -- Simon is supremelynsecure and started the drama at Lynne's; Tamra is delusional and lies for no reason; Vicky has zero social skills but appears to be a decent person; Alexis is a double-D (Delusional and Dumb); Jim is just gross; Slade is Slimy; Gretchen is in denial about said sliminess; Lynne is pitiful and Frank is trying to stay one step ahead of the bill collectors.
I think OC should be dropped from the line-up. Bring on NY!
I'm with anon - sorry SGM. I find it hard to believe that Donn called Simon crying. I doubt Donn called Simon for any reason. I think our boy Simon is prone to exaggeration. For example, do we really believe that when he saw Tamra in Vegas with his best friend, he really fell to his knees and had to be helped up by the doorman? (see article on radaronline). Now, can I believe that he was fall down drunk and had to be helped up by the doorman. Or rather, helped out of the building by the doorman.
Pull-eeesee. O.C. is sooooo 2009. Bring on the new girls!!!!!
http://www.nydailynews.com/entertainment/tv/2010/02/08/2010-02-08_nicole_richies_mom_may_join_paris_hiltons_aunts_on_real_housewives_of_beverly_hi.html
Team SGM. The bloodhound-faced Vicki is a destructive, bitter mess.
BUT! I have to say, this is a brilliant observation on anon1's part:
"it looks to me like Tamra is playing them both against one another."
Do you think an eviction letter would really be served to a kid? If so, then the people serving the letter should be reported. How awful of them to serve a teenager, even a brat like Lynne's daughter. It just seems wrong. Does anyone else think it was BS? It made me really mad to think it might be staged and more mad that it could be real.
Maybe the eviction notice was meant for Raquel and Alexa? That's what I choose to believe until Thursday.
Doesn't Vicki realize how much more likeable she'd be if she'd just let the viewers make the observation that she's the only one with a job? God. She just HAS to insert into every sentence she says to anyone about anything... "Well, THAT's what I do while you're all of tanning and drinking and such!" She is totally right, but we could LIKE her for it if she would just shut up and let us make the observation.
And ugh... Alexis. "I just thought I'd invite the girls over for a gourmet cooking party." I CAN'T stand when people call their kitchen or the meal "gourmet." It's like calling things "classy." Once you've called it that, it isn't.
Lynn is totally out of it, but I'd self-medicate, too, if I was stuck with those two hairballs for daughters. And if I were selfish enough to spend the family's SHELTER allowance on plastic surgery!
Back to Alexis. Can someone do some investigating and figure out what the F her husband does for a living. He looks retarded in that knit cap he wore to his son's haircut. Oh, and I love how he said he wanted "an elegant and sexy, sexy, but elegant woman" to marry. Forget the God shit. He wanted a sexy elegant lady. And he saw it (I mean her) and got it! They are so gross.
So, I had corn chowder dip, cuban crostinis, stuffed mushrooms, stuffed jalapenos and some popcorn. Oh, and wine. Never, ever forget the wine. Because, much like Tammy, I, too, am a closet drinker, though you don't even know it!! Love you, SGM!
I saw that episode, too, and thought the recap was right on. WHERE do they find these people? And I thought they were all so rich? How is that they keep losing their homes or being evicted? Don't you remember when Simon gave Tamra a $30,000 watch for her birthday on the boat? Now, maybe a year or so later, they've falled on hard times. I do find these women amusing, in a sad kind of way. I agree with the poster who said Vicki has absolutely no social skills at all. And then what happened to Slade? Remember when he was "keeping" jo, in that great house, and gave her a Mercedes, etc?
I don't know, so confused about this. But hugely entertained. RHOC is my husband's guilty pleasure but this weekend he asked me, "have you noticed that they're all bimbos?" LOL Most of my friends seem like brain surgeons, compared to these bimbos.
www.middle-aged-diva.blogspot.com
It's sad to watch these peoples lives disintegrate Frank & Lynn w/Alexa and evictions, Gretchen lying flat out to Vicky abut Slade, and about the $$ from Jeff, Simon and his control issues, Alexis and Jim and whatever their sham of a life they live and then there is Vicky & Donn and she is right, they freaking work, and are living a comfortable life, she is successful, who else is successful on that show? Jim, yeah, NO you can read all about him and his legal problems all over the www
The fun of watching rich peeps and how they carry on their lives, just isn't as much fun when the people are broke and their lives are falling apart
RE: Service of the eviction notice on Raquel. I don't know about CA, but in IL service of process is complete if someone in the household over the age of 13 accepts the service.
I do like the earlier poster's thought that it's really Lynn & hubby evicting those snotty girls!
That eviction notice scene was staged. Come on, Lynne and Frank are not even home, but Bravo cameramen were still hanging out there, OUTSIDE THE HOUSE?
You can serve a 13 year old? Not doubting you, just shocked.
man, that was better than the real thing! I had to read some of it twice! pure genius SGM! The kabuki face on orange skin. I can't quit smiling.
God. So much to say.
I watched this episode approximately 48 times to catch every little nuance...
1. I totally understand where Gretchen was emotionally when she decided to get the tattoo. I mean when I am to the point of not being able to stand the sight of a person let alone be married to them, I always find myself thinking, "The solution here is permanent ink on my already leathery skin!"
2. I am convinced that Gretchen visited VGun in an attempt to impress her with her "work eithic." I mean, does VGun know she used to be the Madonna of real estate? I'm not entirely certain why Vicki kept harping on Gretchen's money (or lack of money) and Slade's money/job (hey, at least he's not a tequila salesman), and Jeff's money. Weird and awkward. But not shocking. Gretchen needs to change that stupid ass makeup name though. Doesn't she know this is the OC not Hotlanta? Things that sound like boo-tay are not classy, not even in a sexy way.
3. I'm not trying to be an asshole, but this guy buys 7 carat necklaces, but they stay at the Marriott? Something doesn't add up. I mean the necklace was 7 carats. I'm still confused why you can't wear a bikini more than once in a weekend. Am I missing some sort of bikini etiquette? Once again, my Catholic education has gotten me NOWHERE (except for the fact that I knew those weren't swans).
4. Is it weird to anyone else that the week after Gretchen rides her bike, Tamra and Simon go for a ride? Who are these friends of theirs? They have never had friends before today. I'm not buying it. Are they extras hired by Bravo? Thole "blow you off" made me throw up in my mouth.
Holy awkwardness. "Hi we are here with some of our friends and I am going to make a drawn out uncomfortable announcement." Immediately after Tamra said she tattooed her name on her finger that other girl in the group had a look on her face like "Bitch you are RETARDED" but said nothing.
"It's the first unselfish thing you've done in a long time." Oy. No words. I know Andy Cohen giggled when he heard that.
5. Lynne is the poster child for alcoholics everywhere. God bless her!
Shots while doing squats makes me confused.
Frank gets a lot of credit for remaining a happy drunk throughout this whole thing.
When I am drunk, I always think of good ideas. Even wasted I wouldn't have considered patching the friendship between VGun and Simon. I can't say I wouldn't have started a rumor that one of them had herpes. Hypothetically.
Everything about this whole argument is ridiculous. Is it time for RHONYC yet?
The crying Barneys traumatized me. Uncomfortable.
The fake snore was rude. Trust. RUDE. I just wish Alexis had the balls to tell Vicki to her face that the attention won't always won't be on her.
I have a firm belief that if you talk about something incessantly, it probably isn't true. I think Coto Insurance is a cover for a sweatshop and VIcki does NOTHING.
During this conversation:
"Kick [Simon's] ass," Vicki manages to gasp.
"What are you, high school?" Donn asks.
Jesus Christ. I died. Literally.
I'm exhausted and distracted by Kell on Earth and her phone sex voice in her intro.
What was Tamrot going on and an about how painful that tattoo was? I seem to recall a tramp stamp on the soon-to-be-ex Mrs. Barney, revealed at that same bazillion dollar Rolex birthday party mentioned earlier. What a slag.
What a buncha slags.
I'm with Stephanie, RHoC is just sad to watch these days. Really hope they retire this horse.
just read that tamra is banging simon's best fucking friend!!!!
"I died. Literally."
No comment.
Aw, I love your reviews. And Richard Lawson's on Gawker. Do read them? They're hilarious, and mostly because he says thngs like this of Jim:
"He's about as elegant as a hippo trying to hold in a fart at the Louvre and about as sexy as a vat of Hormel chili riding an old rollercoaster."
http://gawker.com/5465127/real-housewives-of-orange-county--marriage-californian-style?skyline=true&s=i
*dies*
The commenters on gawker are every bit as funny as Richard. One compared Jim to "a condom stuffed with marinara sauce."
I just wish they'd evict the whole shitload of them. Bring on New York!
i have to say i was bored. its getting old...they are getting old. the original members have aged horribly. like nixon in his last year of presidency. i am slightly intrigued by jim and alexa just for the sheer magnitude of their stupidity. the marriott in palm springs? loser! sorry, but its not the four seasons! and he inflates his own ego! then she pumps him up too! im getting a really stong small penis vibe with this guy. and a huge vagina vibe from alexa. poor dears.
i think simon is gay. not that there is anything wrong with it, he just needs to come out of his walk in closet full of seven jeans and ed hardy tshirts.
Ohhhh SGM, I have to say I disagree with you, and agree with Anon above. I'm not sayin I like Vicki, but I saw that whole exchange between she, Simon and Tamara completely opposite. I thought he was a total d-bag, Tamara is CLEARLY, as someone else stated earlier, playing them against one another, and can we talk about how she was CRYING to Vicki at the beginning of the party, and after Simon's reprimand was trashing her along with everyone else, after saying she "had her back?" Puh-leeze. I think I had heartburn through the entire episode. I do have to say I actually like Lynne and Frank, though maybe they need to lighten up on the wacky weed a bit, pay their biils and lock up their daughters.
Merci!
Shan
Tamra dating Simon's 'friend'...hmmm
http://www.nydailynews.com/gossip/2010/02/09/2010-02-09_real_housewives_tamra_barney_rebounds_with_estranged_husband_simon_barneys_frien.html