Are you sure you want to claim this, Father God?

Alexis and Jim Bellino on Valentine's Day 2010. 

Because Jim's faux-hawk, shirt and bloatation look like the work of the devil to me.  To see Alexis sharing more of her beauty with the world, click here.  Please, bring your "parting the Red Sea" jokes in the comments.  (thanks for the tip, Mason.) 

And now, buckle your beezers because there is a new preview for the Real Housewives of New York City.  You MUST watch it:

(click through if you can't see video)

GASP!  Televisionally speaking, I have never been so excited in my life.  Did the Countess' song "Elegance is Learned" make your eyes roll back in your head?  Me too! 

Click below to hear Mason of Seattle's Movin 92.5 and me break down the most recent episode of Real Housewives of Orange County and discuss Mason's failed attempt to look at porn at work.  Happy Wednesday, sexy mamas (and you four straight dudes too).  xxoo

Dirty Porn at Work and Blubbering Vicki on the Sidewalk

Bravo's Bid for the Heterosexual Male: The RHOC Lesbian Subtext

  Photos from bravotv.com, captions by me (I'm just trying to flesh the story out for you):

"Oh God, Gretchen.  You have no idea how good it feels to hold a hand that's not sweaty and bloated."

"Gretchen, if we go down, I just want you to know that even though you gave me crabs, these last few weeks have been the best of my life."

"Ladies, tonight we give 'naked wasted' a whole new meaning.  WOO HOO!"

Listen to this week's radio recap with Mason from Seattle's Movin 92.5.  Click below:

RHOC: Alexis is repressed and where can I buy a Playboy?

Calling Simon Barney a bitch on the radio...check!

Simon's profile picture on classmates.com

It's always so gratifying to achieve lifelong goals.  Mason and I engage in some name-calling and discuss Lynne's (premature) housewarming party below:

RHOC Recap: Bitches, Boobs and Bad Skin

WHO HAS IT? (and a radio recap)

Yes, I bid on the Brass Monkey Sit Down Dress and, YES, I LOST.  I wasn't planning to announce this until I had received all of my grants and funding, but I am in the process of creating The Real Housewives Library and Museum.  As soon as this dress was put up for auction, I knew it could be the centerpiece of the New York City collection.  It is arguably the most significant piece of clothing in the franchise, and I had planned to have it carefully preserved in order for it to be studied by Real Housewives scholars all over the world.  But someone outbid me.

When I lost, we all lost.  I weep for the loss of this artifact, and for the invaluable knowledge that will never be gleaned from its green angora fibers.   What saddens me the most is that the dress is probably on its way to some wealthy socialite who sees this all as a joke, who will treat the dress carelessly and without appreciation.

Ebay tells me "don't give up" and I won't, not until I know that this dress is in safe hands.  If anyone has an idea of the location of this dress, please email me at scentedglossymagazines[at]gmail.com.  The person who is able to offer me any clues leading to the dress will be receive a special plaque in The Kelly Bensimon Courtyard for Learning and Rully Rully Fun Times, a lush outdoor area near the museum's cafeteria.  This dress needs to be in The Real Housewives Library and Museum where it belongs.  Thank you.

ALSO, I'm back on the radio with Mason from Seattle's Movin 92.5.  To listen to us gossip and bash Alexis' husband Jim, click below!

RHOC, Family Discord