Ah, the philosophical musings of Alexis--how I do learn from her. Who knew that the key to happiness and personal fulfillment is just a few thousand dollars and a face-bashing away? I look forward to her upcoming treatise (co-authored by Heidi Montag), If God Didn't Want Me to Get Plastic Surgery, Then Why Did He Invent Brow Lifts? Or something like that.
Congratulations to those of you who have not yet given up on the Real Housewives of Orange County. Sitting through this last episode was a major achievement. The ridiculousness that we usually enjoy has now morphed into something sad and boring, much like Alexis' mom's face (joke), and leaves me begging for mercy, or at least a whole chocolate cake and a fork. Here's your recap!
1. Guess who Vicki has invited over for margaritas and sympathy? Jeana! I must say, she is a sight for sore eyes, and our eyes are indeed feeling very beat-up after seeing Vicki walk out in this:
An entire outfit made from cut-off Spanx and lace! "It's my weekend romper," Vicki says with a modest smile after Jeana has no choice but to comment on it. This is why I have not given up on this show. Thank you, Vicki.
Vicki tells the camera that she invited Jeana over because the other Housewives made her feel sad and wrinkly on the San Francisco trip. "I need real friends like Jeana," she says. Oh, the delicious irony! Vicki explains to Jeana that Tamra sided with Alexis, and then says that even though she and Jeana have had their tough times, Vicki has always had Jeana's back. I was dying for Jeana to spit out her drink in shock, but instead she nods vaguely. She later tells the camera, "Vicki deserved it a little bit. She didn't have my back." It's not the tongue-lashing I was hoping for, but that's our Eeyore Jeana. I'll take it.
"I have always had your back, Jeana. Except for when I repeatedly said you were irresponsible and broke and a crappy realtor. Then there were those several times that I mentioned you've done a terrible job raising your kids. I might have also pushed you out of the show and led the mean-spiritied t.p. attack on your house, but other than that, I've been totally loyal."
2. Alexis' mom Penelope comes to visit from Colorado to get a brow lift. We see them at the plastic surgeon's office and Alexis can barely contain her excitement as the doctor tries to upsell mom on other procedures, like permanent eyeliner. As bloggersabode commented, TRASHY. I thought permanent eyeliner was a back-alley job only. (Really, has anyone seen a good permanent eyeliner job? I want to know.)
3. Tamra visits Lynne at Lynne's mom's house. Lynne is trying to decide whether to leave Frank and Tamra says "let me ask you this: does he cheat on you?" Lynne, in all earnestness, says "No. He's germaphobic. He'd never cheat on me." Tamra looks stunned, then bursts into snorty laughter. Lynne clearly doesn't understand what's so funny, but that doesn't stop her from giggling up a storm.
"Do you see that tiny pink zebra pushing a shopping cart over there? Now that's funny!"
4. It's Tamra's 42nd birthday party with friends at a restaurant. "What a better way to celebrate that getting together with my hos and my 'mos and getting day drunk?" So, yeah. You can already see barf on jeweled flip flops, can't you?
Lynne is the only Housewife there. Cut to Vicki who asks the camera "who has a birthday party on a Tuesday at 11? I'M WORKING. Always working. In the middle of the day, I'm working." Really, Vicki? I had no idea.
Is anyone else's blood pressure totally elevated right now?
Instead of delivering Tamra's gift in person after she gets off WORK, Vicki has her assistant David drop it off. It's a show-off move, and Vicki's subtle way of saying that she's still pissed at Tamra for not pledging allegiance to the United States of Vicki.
David: "I'm just dropping off Vicki's present. It's a dvd of Vicki saying she can't buy you a present because she's too busy working."
Even while she's spilling her syrupy drink and getting hammered, Tamra knows she's been snubbed.
5. Alexis and her mom go to lunch. Alexis talks about how difficult it was to grow up in Missouri because she liked to wear make-up and heels while all the other girls liked to roll around in poo. Oh, she didn't say it outright about the poo, but that's what she meant. (Andy Cohen, you are from Missouri. I need to see you represent at the reunion, honey.)
The subject turns to mom's brow lift, and Alexis says her bit about plastic surgery and love, etc. She goes on to tell the camera that her mom really needs this brow lift because she is so simple, so plain, so washed-out. You know what I say to that?
TAKE HER TO THE DAMN LANCOME COUNTER AT MACY'S! Don't talk her in to spending $13,000 on a major surgery that she doesn't need! Even better, I'm sure Gretchen and Ronald Ann would love to get their hands on Penelope, and it wouldn't cost more than a couple hundred dollars. A brow lift won't fix the "simple, plain, washed-out" problem, but a little Gretchen Christine Beauté will (did you guys see she fixed the accent? Whew).
I have no objection to plastic surgery or any type of cosmetic procedure. Bearing children is murder on the boobs and the tummy. Some of us don't bounce back like others. Some of us think we have bad skin or big noses. If you have the money and the desire to fix it, do it. But when you're 32 and calling plastic surgery "maintenance" as well as a means to personal enlightenment, that's when I have to call bullshit.
6. Alexa and Raquel have dinner together at home and talk shit about their parents. My favorite line is "My parents just want to live out their dream. So, I don't know if this is what they consider their dream, getting evicted." And Lynne and Frank are burrrrrrned by the retard sisters.
7. Briana doesn't have cancer. She, Vicki and Donn celebrate with a shot of tequila. Woo hoo.
8. Lynne and Frank go out for dinner to decide whether their marriage is worth saving. Lynne talks about how much she's sacrificed--she's doing her own hair and skipped her spray tan this week. She's also having a baboon do her make-up (just a guess).
They murmur their clichés to each other and then decide to stay together. Big surprise.
9. Gretchen Christine Beauté makes its debut at the Women's Expo. Not exactly sure what that is, but Gretchen appears to be headlining it. She has obviously shelled out a lot of dough for her booth, which is really more of a satin tent with a disco floor and huge sexy photos of Gretchen herself.
According to Gretchen, thirty thousand people attended last year's expo, but this year? Empty. Crickets, except for one girl wearing an ipod and work-out clothes. Gretchen is confident it's just the bad economy and remains optimistic.
"I know you're just dropping off fliers for the Italian buffet next door, but can I interest you in a makeover and some dancing by Slade Smiley?"
10. I'm not even going to talk about Tamra's birthday dinner with Simon. Same old arguments (Vicki is like Hitler, Tamra is cuckoo-crazy and Simon doesn't tongue her in public anymore). They take a gondola ride to dee-vorce.
Next week, the FINALE and traditional end of season party. Alexa and Raquel get drunk, Lauri Waring makes an appearance, and Tamra screams to Simon "Iwantadivorcefuckyou!" Then, at long last, sweet relief when the Real Housewives of New York City premieres.
Thursday, March 11, 2010 
