Are you sure you want to claim this, Father God?

Alexis and Jim Bellino on Valentine's Day 2010. 

Because Jim's faux-hawk, shirt and bloatation look like the work of the devil to me.  To see Alexis sharing more of her beauty with the world, click here.  Please, bring your "parting the Red Sea" jokes in the comments.  (thanks for the tip, Mason.) 

And now, buckle your beezers because there is a new preview for the Real Housewives of New York City.  You MUST watch it:

(click through if you can't see video)

GASP!  Televisionally speaking, I have never been so excited in my life.  Did the Countess' song "Elegance is Learned" make your eyes roll back in your head?  Me too! 

Click below to hear Mason of Seattle's Movin 92.5 and me break down the most recent episode of Real Housewives of Orange County and discuss Mason's failed attempt to look at porn at work.  Happy Wednesday, sexy mamas (and you four straight dudes too).  xxoo

Dirty Porn at Work and Blubbering Vicki on the Sidewalk

"The fun is gone."

You're just now noticing this, Vicki?  Fun ditched this show a long time ago, honey.  But do you see us angrily sliding out of restaurant booths and declaring "I'm out"?  Do we stand outside, crying reptilian tears, waiting to be coddled and cajoled into coming back?  No.  We fucking man-up and WE WATCH THE DAMN SHOW.  If you think it's not fun for you, the person getting paid for this nonsense, think about how it feels to be us, okay?  Then you come back and talk about fun.

While Fun may be gone, Drama and Histrionics showed up for work right on time and delivered a thrilling fight.  Those two keep this show afloat.  Here's your Real Housewives of Orange County recap:

1.  The argument that began in the last episode continues.  Alexis is in the middle of lecturing Vicki, telling her that she should take responsibility for her rude behavior.  "I am.  You too," says Vicki, giving Alexis the most chilling smile I have seen outside of Hannibal Lecter.  Gretchen and Tamra bravely speak up and admit that Vicki offends them too.   Vicki goes into "FINE.  FINE!" mode, not listening to a word anyone is saying.  Tamra tells the camera that she wishes Vicki would stop playing the victim and defend herself.  "Yes!" I hiss from the couch, fists clenched.  Don't just sit there buzzing with anger and indignation, Vicki!  If you think you did nothing wrong, fight back! 

She has the perfect opportunity when Alexis says to her, "out of the five girls [sic] here, four of us say that you say things that are offensive sometimes."  Vicki stabs her salad murderously and says "what is this, gang up on Vicki day?  STOP."   But does Alexis do as she is told?  No, because in her mind, Vicki is an aging Goliath with jowls and Alexis is David with 800 cc implants.  "Just take responsibility," she tells Vicki. 

"This is not happening," Vicki says, BUT YET IT IS.  

"I'm trying to help you," Alexis insists. 

"You don't need to help me.  I'M GOOD," Vicki answers with a withering look and you know what?  Vicki scares the bejesus out of me.  But not Alexis, who is used to dealing with stubborn assholes.  She persists, and Vicki is in the process of LOSING IT. Let me show you:

EEK!  Meanwhile, look who's trying to supress a smile:

Ha!  Then Vicki does what she does best when she loses control of a situation--she bails.   "I'm out," she says, as she nudges Briana out of the booth. 

She makes her way outside, water in hand, where she cries and waits to be mollified.  Briana stands up and defends Vicki in a I-know-my-mom's-a-bitch-but-we-were-having-a-nice-lunch-here kind of way.  Briana and Tamra are the first to go fetch Vicki while Alexis inexplicably calls out to them "tell her we love her."

Outside, Briana manages to calm Vicki down.  What would we do without Briana?  You know Michael, her other kid, would still be at the table eating his lunch and saying "ladies, you're preaching to the choir.  Any of you interested in a little game of cards?"

Unsurprisingly, everyone makes their way outside to either participate in or watch the rest of the fight.  Alexis, while at first conciliatory, soon scolds Vicki thusly:  "you've said a lot of naughty things to me that aren't very fun."  Oh, how I hooted at this!  Naughty naughty Vicki!

Meanwhile, Lynne's in the background saying "what?  What was said you guys?"  I am suddenly envisioning what it must have been like to sit next to Lynne in high school.  Torture.

Alexis comes back to the "you don't work" comment that Vicki made at Lynne's housewarming.  "You don't!" Vicki yells, "OWN IT!"  To the camera, Vicki mentions the two nannies.  Score one for Vicki.

Lynne:  "So wait, are we still fighting about me not being strict enough with my girls?"

Alexis tries to explain that Vicki insulted everyone who was there, and Vicki denies.  At this point, Alexis couldn't get her to admit that the sky is blue.  Vicki heads for their limo and laments "the fun is gone" to GRETCHEN, of all people.  Vicki tells the camera that what Alexis did is "unforgivable."  

As Barb commented, "Poor Vicki; you're either with her or against her."  For the record, I am against her.  But I did like her jacket and her necklace. 

2.  After a commerical, Tamra and Alexis are waiting inside at the table, and Lynne, Gretchen and Briana coax Vicki back inside.  Strange bedfellows INDEED. 

Alexis apologizes and we hear, but do not see, the tiniest, quietest apology from Vicki.  Briana's all "HELLO! I have this crap all over my neck and I'm the calmest one here!"  So Alexis announces that she wants to pray for Briana and requests that everyone holds hands.

At this point, I'm thinking, "that's a nice gesture."  While I'm not particularly religious, I am always touched when people say they'll pray for me.  I really believe it's a lovely and kind thing to do.  But what Alexis does is, uh, weird and long and more weird.    Alexis prays about parting the red sea and feeding the masses and everyone feels like Lynne is looking (i.e. "wtf is going on here?"):

Na's comment sums up my feelings on the matter: 

And Alexis' prayer...'I want to pray over you' 'Father God I lift Briana up to you'. Poor Briana, that prayer alone convinced God to give her cancer.

I'm down with Jesus and everything, but there are few things I dislike more than a showboat christian.

YES.  (FYI, I am integrating comments because it was either that or plagiarize.  Y'all are a clever group and I'm writing this late at night.)

After the prayer, Vicki says that the damage is done and Alexis is dead to her (basically). 

3.  At home, Tamra debriefs Simon on the San Francisco trip.  He subtly insults her and tells her to stop hanging out with the other Housewives.  Right, because what the two of you need right now is one less paycheck.  SIGH.  The stank of divorce is in the air, and I'm finding Tamra to be more likable.

4.  I will not bore you with the details of Slade and Gretchen's trip to Palm Springs.  All you need to know is that they all stayed in a Merv Griffin museum instead of a hotel and that Gretchen's mom Brenda is wary of Slade.  Oh, and Brenda wears a glittery visor and a banana clip.  Endearing to no end.  Why can't Briana have a Brenda?

5.  Frank is packing up the Curtin household and being pathetic. Did anyone else notice that, unless Frank is a professional packer, they obviously hired movers?  That's not cheap.  I would have loved to see a Uhaul pull up with Donn, Jim and Andy Cohen in wifebeaters ready to help. 

6.  No results from Briana's biopsy.  Vicki wants to call and say "I'M HER MOTHER; GIVE ME THOSE RESULTS NOW!" but Briana says no.  How totally exhausting it would be to have Vicki as your mother.

7.  Tamra invites Vicki on a walk to resolve what happened in San Francisco and The Simon Issue.  Vicki immediately launches into Tamra about how she doesn't defend Vicki.  Re Lynne's housewarming, Vicki says "I heard it was a hatefest after I left.  I would expect you to stand up for me."  Who ratted everyone out like that?  Andy Cohen?  I do wonder.  

Tamra is upfront with Vicki, telling her that when it comes to Simon, she has to side with him.  When it comes to those other bitches, though, she says she's not going to stand by and listen to them rip Vicki apart (even though she did).  Tamra feels caught in the middle of Vicki and the world.  Nothing is resolved. 

Did you see Vicki drop that f-bomb?  Bravo immediately cut to Tamra's 4 year old daughter in the stroller.  Nice one, Vick. 

8.  Alexis and Jim are having a date night.  Jim's just generally being an a-hole and announces to the world how retarded Alexis is because she thinks "surf n' turf" (what Jim ordered) means lobster and steak.  "Absolutely NOT" he chuckles haughtily and then defers to the waiter to have him explain, I suspect because he sees an opportunity to ridicule someone else.  Let us turn to Virgie's comment for the answer:

Depending on which source you use surf and turf is defined as: Surf and turf or Surf 'n' Turf is a main course particularly common in British/Irish pubs and North American steakhouses which combines steak and seafood, typically lobster, Dublin Bay prawn, or shrimp, which may be grilled or breaded and fried.

Or

Vaginal and anal intercourse, whether sequentially by one person or simultaneously by two. Surf is for the shrimpy front, turf is the for the soil and fertilizer in the rear.

Wonder which Jim was referring to.

 I think we all know the answer to that.

"Admit it," Jim demands, trying to act like it's a joke.  "Admit you don't know what surf n' turf is!" 

Alexis, I know that "divorce is not an option" is your marital mantra but psssst, it is.

9.  Alexis and Jim invite their pastor and his wife over for breakfast because Alexis is allegedly feeling guilty about how she treated Vicki in San Francisco.  Jentezen (the pastor) and Cherise (the wife) clearly don't know who the fuck these two are, but seem up for a little camera time.  After some niceties, Jim asks how they deal with the pressure of being held to such high standards of behavior.  Actually, it's more of a rhetorical question since Jim already knows all of the answers.  Jim muses on the fact that because he calls himself Christian, people feel they can judge him by how he dresses, and by his wife's breast size and WHAT?!  Did he just tacitly ask the pastor to approve his Ed Hardy wardrobe and Alexis' gigantor boobs?

Yes, I believe he did.  The pastor, who has the best evangelical accent you could ever hope for, is unruffled and tells Alexis she doesn't have to dress like a nun, and that God can use her beauty to reach people He wouldn't normally reach.  Cue the anon who commented "the minister should have then said to Jim: 'And God wants you to be fat-faced and unlikeable.'" 

Anyhow, I think the pastor needs to be a little more specific with these two, as in "don't dress like you're auditioning for Busty Anal Cougars Part 4."

10.  Lynne and Alexa visit Frank at his hotel to hash things out Curtin-style, which means using meaningless cliches and saying "what the hell?" a lot.  Frank is meek and almost cowering as he answers the door and murmurs "hi girls.  You look pretty.  You look pretty too."  You know you're in a bad place emotionally when you're afraid of Lynne.    Alexa whines and cries, and Lynne says things like "this has been like a near death experience for me" and "I just want my dog to have a home."  Do they even have a dog?  Then Frank, financial expert that he is, announces "I feel a real family vacation coming on!"  Lynne is obviously thinking "YES!  Awesome idea!" but Alexa snaps everyone back to reality by calling bullshit, WE DON'T HAVE ANY MONEY you stupid motherfuckers.

Frank promises that everything will be okay.  "This is our year!" he says after the vacation suggestion doesn't go over so well. How have Lynne and Frank survived all these years?  I'm not talking about their marriage, but about how they manage to stay alive from day to day without accidentally killing themselves.  Forget about parting the Red Sea, Lynne and Frank are the real miracles.

That's the show.  If you don't have cable, you can watch the full episode here.  Next Thursday, Briana gets the results of her biopsy, Vicki is a no-show at Tamra's birthday party and Lynne contemplates divorce. 

What do you think?  Did Jeana take the fun with her when she left, or has it been gone for awhile?  Speak up.

Intervention, Orange County Style

Tonight on Real Housewives of Orange County, Alexis (who is no Candy Finnigan) tells Vicki that she'd better change her ways because even her friends hate her guts.  Watch this:

Looks like they all back off at the end.  Enablers!

You'll be hearing from me soon, very soon, about the Kelly Bensimon Playboy pictorial.

Bravo's Bid for the Heterosexual Male: The RHOC Lesbian Subtext

  Photos from bravotv.com, captions by me (I'm just trying to flesh the story out for you):

"Oh God, Gretchen.  You have no idea how good it feels to hold a hand that's not sweaty and bloated."

"Gretchen, if we go down, I just want you to know that even though you gave me crabs, these last few weeks have been the best of my life."

"Ladies, tonight we give 'naked wasted' a whole new meaning.  WOO HOO!"

Listen to this week's radio recap with Mason from Seattle's Movin 92.5.  Click below:

RHOC: Alexis is repressed and where can I buy a Playboy?

"I'm not gonna get over it. I'm over it."

 Wow, Lynne, that was quick!  I have a feeling that in the short pause between the first sentence and the second, she completely forgot that she was supposed to be angry.   Forget and forgive, that's what I always say.

The latest episode of Real Housewives of Orange County saw the ladies of Coto de Caza take their big-tittied show on the road--to San Francisco, the perfect place to spend loads of money when you're flat-ass broke.  Here's your recap:

1.  We pick up where we left off last week, with Lynne's daughter Raquel being served with the notice of eviction.  She drops it to the floor and nasally moans, "is this real or am I dreaming because I am so fucking hung over?"  Oh, it's real, Raquel.  As real as your beer-scented sister sitting next to you.   They both confusedly whine "what the fuck" at least 7 times and then Raquel calls Lynne.  "What the fuck?" she demands of her mother while Alexa echoes the sentiment while keeping one eye on the tv.  Raquel keeps her middle finger extended and in front of her face to discourage Bravo from using the footage.  In my mind, I picture a Bravo producer reviewing this scene and narrowing his eyes, whispering "nice try, bitch, but not on my watch."

Lynne recounts her girls' "scared" reaction to the camera.   She's feeling terribly guilty and embarrassed, and a few tears squeeze out of her eyes.

It's hard to keep a stiff upper lip, even when it is pumped with filler.

 2.  Lynne calls Frank for an explanation.  She meets him at a park so as not to further upset her alcoholics.  Oops, I mean daughters.  

As Frank begins to talk, Lynne's unmoving face masks a storm of fury inside.  We know this because she keeps interrupting with the ubiquitous "what the fuck!" in an angry voice.  Frank owns up to everything, telling Lynne that they were in over their heads with that house in the first place, and that he failed to pay the deposit.  He feels shame.  Lynne's pissed because she had no clue about any of this, and Frank responds by telling her that she lives in a "microcosm" (translation:  fantasy world) and has never wanted to hear the truth about their finances. 

"What do you mean I don't want to face our money problems?  I want to...WHOA, look at those wrinkles on my arms!  I'm going to hit the plastic surgeon's office on the way home.  Shouldn't be more than five grand."

There's a lot of gibberish in this conversation, such as Lynne exclaiming "don't victimize me!" several times.  Huh?  Then Lynne claims that if Frank would have just told her about the deposit, she would have paid it herself.  With what?  Cuffs covered in fake leather?  Leftover money from the plastic surgery budget?  

Lynne finally walks off, furious with Frank for not being upfront with her and frightened for the future.  OR SO WE THINK.

3. Vicki returns home from a business meeting and upon seeing Briana, greets her like she would a puppy or an infant.  "Hi pretty girl!" she coos to her 25 year old (or thereabouts) daughter.  "How's my little princess?"  Fucking crazy.

Briana sits Vicki down and tells her that the doctor has found some nodules on her thyroid that will need to be biopsied. 

"Mom, stop!  I'm trying to be serious but you keep tickling my neck and rubbing my belly."

Vicki's not sure she can fit that into her schedule--she works, you know--and Briana tells the camera with a nervous chuckle, "I might have cancer and all my mom thinks about is work."  You best get your priorities straight, Vicki.  Briana's your best kid by a long shot.

 4.  Needing some emotional support after her confrontation with Frank, Lynne does the only logical thing--she visits Tamra. Tamra!  She tells an even more exaggerrated (false) story of her kids getting the eviction notice: "they threw the paper at Raquel!  The girls were crying!"  Tamra actually does a pretty decent job of consoling Lynne, who is now alluding to divorce.  "I was divorced once," Tamra tells her.  "You don't want to that that.  You've got to stick it out."  VERY REVEALING, eh?

Tamra has organized a girls' trip (for girls this time!) to San Francisco.  She convinces Lynne to go, and Lynne agrees that it will be good for her to get away.

5.  Alexis and Gretchen go out for dinner.  Alexis orders a Skinnygirl margarita.  "What's that?" Gretchen asks innocently.  Oh, for the love of GOD!  Gretchen, you just destroyed any credibility you had with me.  Anyhow, they gossip about the San Francisco trip and bitch about Vicki--always time well-spent.

6.  Vicki was apparently able to shift her schedule around and accompanies Briana to her biopsy.  Vicki's scared because her even-keeled nurse daughter is scared, and this is the closest I will ever come to feeling sympathy for Vicki.  She cries to the camera and I wish Daddy Donn was there to offer her some comfort.

7.  Alexis walks into Jim's "office" at home where he is "working."  She's wearing the uniform of all stay-at-home moms:  bootyshorts and a very strained button-down shirt.  Strained as in, when those buttons finally pop, they're going to spray the room like machine gun fire.

So guess what?  Alexis doesn't want to go the San Francisco without Jim.  She'll miss him too much!  How on earth will she know what to eat or wear or do?  How will he manage the children and two nannies on his own?  Incredibly, Jim reassures her that she can go without him because 1) he's comfortable with the group of women she's going with and 2) he's fucking one of the nannies.  Just kidding on that last one.  I'm pretty sure it's both of the nannies.  Alexis reluctantly agrees to go. 

8.  Vicki is in front of the camera with a laundry list of why she's not loving the idea of going on this trip:  she's been the victim of an unprovoked "hatefest;" Simon is wrong and bad and Tamra is wrong and bad for taking his side; Alexis is self-centered; and Gretchen looks like a rats's ass.  But she's going on the trip anyway, you know, to make amends.   I do believe I snorted daintily at this part. 

9. Everyone's boarding the plane to San Francisco!  Things are a little tense as no one has seen Vicki since the debaucle at Lynne's housewarming party.  Vicki eyes the group to see if any dudes decided to crash the trip this time.  She tells the camera, "I keep thinking that smelly dork Jim will show up."  God, me too!  It's my recurring nightmare, that he will appear at the foot of my bed in the middle of the night.  {shudder}  Anyhow, they all manage to keep things light and the first-class flight (brought to you by Bravo!) is without drama.

10.  Out for a fancy dinner in San Francisco, and everyone is dressed like a goddamn hooker.  Why am I surprised?  You can take the girls out of Orange County, but you can't take Orange County out of the girls.

We see Alexis take what looks to be four phone calls from Jim at the dinner table.  Not short this-is-how-you-work-the-microwave type conversations, but I'm-trying-to-kill-a-little-time-here conversations.  Vicki, of course, is visibly annoyed, and everyone else is raising eyebrows at each other.  "It was a little bit rude," says Tamra.  Oh, but it's only beginning!

The ladies know about Briana's health concerns and want Vicki to loosen up and DRANK.    Alexis bizarrely force feeds her an olive garnish, and someone makes a comment about "they're coming out to play again!" Anyone with eyes can see that Vicki is LIVID and trying her best to suppress it.

Lynne, still needing some sympathy, tells her eviction story again, with even MORE embellishments.  Vicki starts in on "as an owner of rental properties..." and the whole world presses MUTE.  After that's over, we see Gretchen giving her foie gras rave reviews.   Alexis wants to try some, and Gretchen obliges, not realizing that Alexis has the table manners of a three year old.  But this soon becomes apparent as Alexis puts the foie gras into her mouth and then promptly, with much fanfare, heaves it into her napkin. 

All that's left to do is shake her head violently and shriek "yucky!" but we don't see this because Vicki is now gagging at Alexis' gagging.  Instead of apologizing and moving on, Alexis gets defensive.  "I'm from Missouri!" she says, as if that explains everything.  All you Missourians?  You should want to punch her in the stomach right now.

Meanwhile, Alexis won't shut up.  About the texture, about her gagging sensation, about her Missourian aversion to swallowing.  I have a feeling Jim doesn't get many blowjobs.  From Alexis, at least.  Vicki continues to retch and I am sitting ramrod straight on my couch, muscles tensed, waiting for the chain reaction to start (I happen to be familiar with barfing chain reactions; HERE is just one example).     It doesn't, despite Alexis' best efforts, and Gretchen, God love her, eats non-stop throughout Alexis' entire performance.  Vicki sums it all up by saying, "[Alexis] is totally classless trash.  I don't know why Alexis is even here."  I don't either, but I'm glad she is.  Very entertaining.

11.  The ladies (and I use the word loosely) retire to the Bubble Lounge for some drinks.  Briana meets them there, and it is all sparkles and boobs and bleached hair and unnaturally tanned skin.  Alexis gets busy texting Jim while Tamra proposes a toast to Briana's health.  Then, out of nowhere, Gretchen starts crying.  My husband, who is watching with me, whispers "didn't her grandpa die of cancer?" 

"Yes," I answer.  "But her grandpa was actually her boyfriend."   

Gretchen is sad because she doesn't want Briana to go through what grandpa had to go through.   It turns into a chain reaction cry, which is highly preferable to the throwing up version.

12.  It's the next day and time to shop.  No money?  No house?  No problem!  Lynne tries on a $1185 jacket and buys the fucker without hesitation.  My eyes were bulging out of my head on this one.  Insane.  

"Lynne, what the hell are you doing?"

"No, it's okay!  Look--my Magic 8 Ball app says 'outlook good.' "

13. The group stops for lunch.  Vicki is texting and emailing at the table, and Alexis is troubled.  She doesn't understand why Vicki thought it was rude of Alexis to text at dinner, when Vicki is guilty of the very same behavior.  Vicki picks up on this and belligerantly asks Alexis if she has a problem.  Alexis breaks off this long speech about how Vicki is so awesomely awesome with her business success.  She ends with "I don't take issue with your work, but if you want to discuss Lynne's party, that's another issue."  And just like that, Alexis pulls the ol' switcheroo on Vicki, who stops dead in her texting tracks so as to fully focus on the rage she is about to unleash.

Aaaaand CUT.  It's to be continued from there.  Honestly, I can't wait to see how Alexis handles her first tussle with Vicki.

Talk to me.