While Vicki didn't actually say this, I think we can all agree that this is the gist of her Italian vacation. Poor Vicki; she was completely out of her element. I am sure she lay awake nights in her tiny hotel room, quietly cursing Rome's lack of tanning parties, California wine, and extra-large pillows with which to suffocate her bleating, aged mother.
The Real Housewives of Orange County still has the power to make me gasp in horror and delight (at the same time!) which is really quite an accomplishment given how this series, over time, has completely dulled my sense of propriety. I know you understand.
Recap time!
1. The show opens with the conclusion of the Tamra vs. Gretchen screaming match that broke out at Lynne's cuff party (pretend you know what that is). Here is a synopsis:
Tamra: "You stick vibrators up your va-jay-jay on the internet! You are a disgusting, diseased piece of hooker trash who preys on gross old men with bad breath! People call me every day to tell me how much they hate you! You make my skin crawl!"
Jeana: "Um, Gretchen, are you going to finish that butter? The housing market is really down and I--"
Gretchen: "Oh yeah, Tamra? What about you losing your home?"
Vicki: "Oh, now that's just MEAN. I can't believe you would say something like that! You have crossed the line."
Tamra and Vicki stalk out, but only after Vicki indignantly slurps down the rest of her wine. The camera switches back and forth between Team Tamra charging toward the elevator and Team Gretchen relaxing on the couch, and big words are thrown about, such as manipulative, defame, cunning and my personal favorite, "$1.7 million filthy nasty whore."
The scene ends with Tamra talking about how she wants to spend time with "wholesome people who have families and jobs." Yeah, Tamra! Walk the walk, girl!
(November 2009 photo from here)
2. Tanning party, held the day after the fight, in order to help Gretchen cope. Slade acts totally inappropriate and desperate as he makes jokes about a serving spoon ("maybe I can use this on you later?" Perhaps funny in private, but not so funny at a nationally televised party at which Gretchen's mother is present). The he does the whole business with the sock on his wiener.
"Hey, where's the camera? Oh, there it is! I guess now would be a good time to tell everyone that I peed in the lemonade!"
Despite Slade's "LOOK AT ME!" shenanigans, Lynne and her 16 year old daughter Alexa have the best moment of the tanning party:
And even better was Lynne snapping out of her mellow haze to shout, "JESUS CHRIST, I can't believe she did that!" Lynne, who is very aware of the camera, gives Alexa a definite no for what looks to be the first time EVER. Good for you, Lynne. Then Gretchen gives an ironic speech to the camera about her concern that Lynne "glosses over the drinking" with her daughters. Bravo, never skipping a beat, shows footage of Gretchen getting freaky on the tequila last season.
3. Tamra and Vicki meet for lunch. Tamra admits that her finances "aren't great" with the stank economy and Simon's career change. They are upside-down in their house and Tamra is scared. Vicki tells the camera that she thinks it's time Simon give up his dreams of tequila grandeur and get back to selling Mercedes to rich ladies. Great advice, Vicki! We all know that the luxury car business is just BOOMING these days.
4. Cut to Jeana, who also confesses to being waaaaaay in over her head, but we already knew that because Big Mouth Vicki told the world that Jeana asked her for a loan (seriously, what an asshole). Jeana has sold watches and cars to stay afloat and is still on the brink of losing her home. We see her show a couple a $12 million house ($300,000 commission!) and she looks so goddamn depressed that I almost feel sorry for her.
5. Vicki is packing for her trip to Italy by shoving everything she owns into about 37 suitcases. Vicki insists to her daughter Brianna that Vicki's mom, Nana, won't drive them crazy. (Yeah, just US, but more on that later.)
6. Slade and Gretchen have a garage sale and guess what? Slade puts on some goofy outfits! One of which is the tightest, tiniest, most colorful wrestling singlet thingy you have EVER seen! I will not give him the satisfaction of posting the photo.
Gretchen laughs at the idea that everyone thinks she got $1.7 million upon Jeff's death. In a major backpedaling move, Gretchen says that everyone thought Jeff was this rich guy, but he really wasn't. INTERESTING.
7. Lynne visits a plastic surgeon with deadbeat daughter Raquel (who is maybe 19? 20?). Did anyone else narrow her eyes when Lynne told Raquel, "you look like a Playboy bunny already." EEK. Lynne tries, you guys! She tries so hard, but she just misses the mark.
Lynne brings some fresh comedy to the doctor's office by saying "my face has fallen and I can't get up!" Hahahaha. Doc tells her that she needs to lose the neanderthal brow.
Next up is Raquel, who's slated for a nose job. Lynne tells the camera that Raquel has poor self-esteem and "she needs this right now." YEAH, because her mom told the world that her self-esteem is in the crapper!
8. Vicki, Brianna and Nana are in Rome. Everything--the hotel lobby, the room, the stairs, the beds--is too small for Vicki. She paid a big price and she wants big! Supersize it, you Italian motherfuckers! Meanwhile in the lobby, Nana is repeating "E.T. go home," which is truly one of the most annoying 10 seconds of tv I have ever endured (and I still watch The Real World, fyi). In a nutshell, Vicki and (especially) Nana are unimpressed with Italy. The waiters don't speak English very well! The menus are in Italian! The shopping is better in Orange County! The Colusseum is a snoooooooze!
Brianna is the only one who exits this scene with her dignity intact. For a lovely story about Brianna (I'M NOT BEING SARCASTIC), please see Vicki's blog.
9. Lynne's daughter Alexa throws a tantrum because she's not getting any plastic surgery. No beer or plastic surgery? Lynne is so strict!
10. Jeana and Kara go slumming at H&M. Boring.
11. Tamra and Simon go to dinner with new Housewife Alexis and her husband Jim.
The dinner conversation is straight out of the 1950s, with Tamra insisting that she does try to obey Simon and Alexis preparing Jim's plate, followed by Simon chewing Tamra's ass for not fixing him a plate even though the food is right in front of his gd face. Frank watched this part and then turned to me and said "I would be ASHAMED and EMBARRASSED if you prepared my plate." In essence, Frank called Jim and Simon pussies, and I have to say I agree.
12. Tamra and Simon are forced to sell their house, and Tamra gets teary. I start to feel a wee twinge of sadness until I hear that they spent $400k in upgrades. Their tragic downsizing will probably result in a home that is still considered huge and nice by a majority of the American public. In the words of Justin Timberlake, "cry me a river." No--wait. I take that back. I'm sure it is very frightening to sell your home at a loss and be married to a dude who thinks you should obey him like a dog. I shall instead quote Tupac: "girl, keep ya head up" but please, Tamra, chill out on Gretchen.
This Thursday: JEANA LEAVES THE SHOW, and there appears to be a thrillingly tense conversation/exit interview with Andy, Vicki and Jeana.
Speak up!
Thursday, December 10, 2009 
