"You doan unnerstan...iss so hard in Orange Cownee."
Monday, February 1, 2010 
You don't have to tell us, Lynne! I thank God every night that I'm not in Orange County. Even people who are living in tents in Haiti are all "at least we're not in Orange County." It's a tough hand you've been dealt Lynne, but you must remain strong. Someday, I pray, you will escape.
This week's episode of Real Housewives of Orange County was all about family discord: Tamra and Simon's crumbling marriage, Alexis' inability to do anything without specific direction from Jim, and Lynne falling to pieces because her 17 year old daughter is an asshole. Let's recap!
1. Gretchen takes her Harley out for a spin, the purpose of which is to prove to everyone (TAMRA) that Jeff's gift to her was not fake and she is a hardcore biker. She snickers that maybe she could give Tamra a ride on the back of her bike.
Stitched on the back of Gretchen's jacket: "If you can read this then the bitch fell off"
2. Tamra and Simon's house. It's a day-in-the-life scene that looks normal on the surface but then Tamra's voiceover tells a different story--she and Simon pretty much hate each other. We see their younger son getting a little lippy, and Tamra explains to the camera that he's just picking up on the tension in the house. As they send their kids off to school with the most enormous backpacks you've ever seen, Tamra says they're going to make it through this. WELL. We all know how that turns out.
I had just begun to entertain the notion that these two might be faking their divorce in order to earn a little exra ca$h/another season, but I can't imagine that anyone would be so money-hungry and desperate for fame that they would say to their children, "it's not true, but go along with it; it's for tv."
Oh. Well, them. Point taken, but I'm sure that's just an isolated incident. Assuming the divorce is real, I doubt if there's much damage done when reality star parents duke it out in public.
Oops! How could I forget? As long as Simon doesn't start wearing Ed Hardy-type shirts and Tamra doesn't get a bunch of bad extensions, this will all blow over.
Oh no.
This isn't going to end well for anyone (except Bravo).
3. Lynne's daughter Alexa is at a friend's house, putting on make-up and describing Lynne in ways that make Charles Manson sound like a puppy dog.
"My mom is psycho. She's like, the devil. She only gave me $20 to buy beer last night. How evil can a person be?"
Lynne calls, and Alexa is rude on the phone, annoyed that Lynne is going to pick her up to go shopping. When Alexa dumps herself in the car with a heavy sigh, I want to blow a whistle in her ear and shout "DO OVER!" Lynne, however, ignores it and launches into a hard-ass act, a role with which she is clearly uncomfortable. She asks Alexa why she blew off the family meeting with the youthologist (aka teen life coach. I'm not even making that up! See here).
"I was hung over!" Alexa whines. Write that down, everyone. That is always an impressive excuse, particularly when you are a nasty, hair-flipping teenager.
We wait, with breath bated, for Lynne to lean over and push her out of the car, but no. Lynne's face is expressionless, but that could just be the botox and the tight new face.
4. The fight continues into the mall. To the camera, Alexa literally begs to be grounded. To Lynne, she turns on the waterworks and talks about how mature she is for her age. This is immediately followed by an epic temper tantrum--she throws her Cuff Love bracelet to the floor (!), calls Lynne a bitch and tells her to "kiss my ass." Basically, she does everything but fling herself to the ground and pull the dead-weight move (which would have been an inspired finale, btw). I half expect a group of two year olds to appear, throwing roses at her feet and giving her a standing ovation.
You can tell that Lynne has one or two synapses firing, valiantly trying to process and react to this situation, but in the end, there is only this:
Portrait of Defeat
and Alexa walks off to PH8 with Lynne's credit card (I'm guessing).
Oh, don't we all wish we had our Greatest Hits of Adolescence preserved on film? Lucky Alexa.
5. Alexis plans a cooking party for the Housewives because it is her "dying desire" to bring Tamra and Gretchen together in peace and love. A lofty goal indeed! She receives detailed directions from Jim, who uses big words like "dialogue" and "input," on how to orchestrate the truce. FYI, his instructions come back to bite her in the ASS. More on this later.
6. Tamra and Simon clean out the garage. Bravolebrities: they're just like us! Except their garages have trash bags filled with brand new clothes. Why not keep them in the trunk of your car like the rest of us? Or is that only me?
Ryan stops by and everything seems painfully cordial. Tamra says to the camera, "right now, we're doing okay."
My crystal ball tells me that this will not last.
7. Vicki and Donn are having dinner at a romantic restaurant on the beach. Someone (JEANA) hired a bird to crap on Vicki, but it misses its target and poops on the waitress. Guess who comes to the rescue with kindness and concern and humor? Sweet daddy Donn.
Would you look at that? Melts me into a puddle.
Vicki is hee-hawing about the bird diarrhea running into the ears of the waitress when Don whips out a fat diamond ring for "no real reason, just a gift." Vicki gasps, and we can immediately see her mind clicking away, appraising its value. Somehow, she determines it is 6 carats. "I don't deserve this!" she exclaims. So true, so true.
"I'd be fine with 2 or 3 carats, but 8 rows of diamonds?!" she adds, rubbing it in. Donn grins from ear to ear, enjoying Vicki's satisfaction before it expires at midnight.
Did you all see the "Who Has the Best Husband?" survey during the commercial break? The results are Vicki 81% (DUH), Alexis 10% and Lynne 9%. What the hell did Lynne's husband Frank do to get ranked BELOW Dictator Jim? I think he should appeal. You know Jim had Alexis and the kids texting their votes over and over. That's cheating.
8. Gretchen is developing a make-up line called Gretchen Christine Byooo-Tay. She explains that she didn't get much money from Jeff (something about she was supposed to get $2.5 million but his estate was only worth a measley $3 mill?) and she's not merging finances with Slade (like that would be a help) so....a make-up line! Of course!
I am reserving judgment. For now.
9. Vicki and COTO INSURANCE host a financial seminar for Vicki's kids and a handful of other VIC-tims. But first, Vicki has to give her speech on how much SHE LOVES HER JOB and SHE WORKS ALL OF THE TIME. Some people, she says wide-eyed and bobble-headed, sleep in until 10 every day and go to the gym for 4 hours and she simply can't do that. Really? Because I can. Except replace the gym part with watching tv and eating mini candy bars. Now that's a good gig.
"As you can see from this diagram, if you continue to live with your mom and online poker is your only source of income, your tanning budget will be affected."
10. Lynne visits her old-school mom to drink lemonade and get advice on her hellbeast child. Mom's advice: "cut off the cash." FINALLY, someone is giving Lynne good counsel. Might I also suggest throwing Alexa's phone into the ocean and getting an electric fence? Worth a try.
11. Jim and Alexis take their son to get a haircut. Jim supervises the cutting of each hair to his satisfaction. Alexis is thrilled because there's no way she could have handled that on her own.
12. Alexis' cooking party! I was hoping there would be some botox and tanning too, but there wasn't. You know the economy's bad when essentials like that are being cut.
Everyone arrives (except for Vicki--it's a weekday afternoon), and there is much screeching and squawking as the women compete for attention. A LOT of wine is consumed by Lynne, who is somehow given a knife and chopping duty. Gretchen and Tamra also have knives and do the obligatory passive-aggressive sword fight.
Gretchen: "I'm gonna wait till you pass out and then slit your throat! Just joking! LOL!"
Tamra: "Too funny! I'm going to carve 'lying whore' onto your chest and watch you bleed to death. Hee hee!"
When they retire to Alexis' gold-plated dining room, Lynne is a little sloppy, but she's holding it together. Alexis, armed with the wisdom of Jim, abruptly says, " SO, ARE WE GOOD?" and motions to Gretch and Tamra. To the camera, Tamra's all "WTF? She's trying to stir up shit." Everyone pretty much dodges the question and Alexis' dying desire is left unfulfilled. Sad.
The conversation moves on to children and someone asks "how's Alexa?" You can see it in Lynne's face: BUZZKILL.
Lynne does some blah blah blah, trying to keep it light. Everyone (except Tamra, who shockingly keep her yap shut) starts giving advice. Suddenly Lynne feels that Gretchen has crossed the line and loudly says "until you have kids, don't judge!" which is all within the bounds of normal social conduct, but then comes the "FUCK YOU!" out of nowhere. After getting that out of her system, Lynne dissolves into a weepy mess. Poor thing. No one looks good crying, but Lynne looks like Steven Tyler, in drag, having a stroke.
Meanwhile, Tamra can barely keep the smile off of her face. The only one who has raised a teenager, and she is completely silent, just watching, telling the camera she is "relieved" not to be in the middle for once. "Better you than me, bitch," she snorts.
Sidenote: I usually think Gretchen looks flawless, but she looked AWFUL in this scene. Every time the camera went to her, I grimaced.
Bad lighting, or is this just the "before" shot for Gretchen Christine Byooo-Tay?
This is when Lynne slurs "it's so hard in Orange County," and although I made fun of her up there, I get it. Her kids are surrounded by spoiled brats, and that shit is viral. But as Tamra says, and I think we all agree, Lynne needs to step up the discipline.
This Thursday, Lynne's troubles multiply when she and her husband are served an eviction notice. Time to call your dealer and relieve some stress with a fatty, Lynne.
Kelly Cutrone's show, Kell on Earth, premieres tonight.
She looks like Darlene from Roseanne.
Let's watch it, shall we? Meet you back here.
