Excuse me, Andy Cohen. May I have a word?

This will just take a moment and then you can get back to your bitches.

1.  I do not appreciate the Real Housewives of Orange County two week time-out over the holidays.  Not only does it interrupt my carefully plotted and timed tv-watching rhythm, but let's wrap this shit UP already.  In the time RHOC has not aired, I have completely lost all interest.  My advice would be to air the remaining episodes on a Wednesday morning and start fresh with Real Housewives of NYC this Thursday night.   I am dying to see how Jill and Bethenny's break up goes down, and I want to know how the Countess is handling her divorce from Count Viagra.  Oh, and don't tell anyone, but I am kind of missing those gd freaks Alex and Simon.  Shhhh!

2.  Rumor (i.e. your twitter feed) has it that you are bringing back Work Out's Jackie Warner.   I can't decide whether to tell you to stop this nonsense immediately or OMG, HURRY!  She is absolutely riveting in her self-centered awfulness and hypocrisy.  I just learned from her website that she's had 100% turnover with her trainers so there will a be a fresh group of employees for her to assault with her wrecking ball ego and vagina.  Oh, how can I resist?

Rebecca:  "Jackie, I love you!  I'm glad you seduced me so unprofessionally in the workplace!"

Jackie:  "Wow, how ironic, because I'm breaking up with you!  And you're fired.  Would you like to meet my new girlfriend?"

3.  My New Year's resolution is to avoid Millionaire Matchmaker at all cost. 

4.  This last item is not related to Bravo, but I thought you should know.  My husband Frank and I are very competitive.  VERY.  It keeps our love alive.  However, it's usually a sad story for me because he creams my ass in pretty much everything, especially when it comes to video games.  Then he gloats.  Oh, the gloating!

WELL.  It is with barely suppressed glee that I announce that I hold the records at our house for Wii Fit Plus Ski Slalom and Ski Jumping, records that he will NEVER beat.  Ever!  I'm that good.  (I also hold the record for hula hooping, but we both have agreed that it's a not a real sport.  Kind of like NASCAR.)

That's all.  Thanks for your time and keep your pimp hand strong, my man.

The Boozehounds Return

A little something for your hangover:

I had no idea that Bill Paxton played Chet until right this very minute.

Happy New Year!

A match made in prostitution whore heaven

Click on the photo to get the story, but don't get your hopes up.  Sounds like Danielle Staub from Real Housewives of New Jersey and Jon "I'm dying to talk to you but TLC's all up my ass" Gosselin were at the same club and that's about it.  Disappointing, because this could have been the greatest love story/reality clusterfuck of all time.  It's still worth it to click through to the video and see the evolution of Danielle's eyebrows, which are true works of art.

(thanks to my girl Kris for the tip)

Advice for tomorrow night

Keep your tits tucked in.

Things tend to go downhill rapidly when your nipples start to sneak out.  I'm not pointing any fingers, I'm just saying it's generally a good rule to follow.

(If anyone wants to write a song--I'm thinking rap, or maybe even country--called "Keep Your Tits Tucked In" I would not object.  In fact, I think it would make a nice follow-up to Tardy for the Party.  Think about it.)

photo from here

Best of

Entertainment Weekly's best tv shows of the decade (my observations in italics).

1.  The Sopranos.  Yes.  Oh God, YES.  The thinking man's Jersey Shore. 

2.  Lost.  Never watched it because I felt like I couldn't jump in, even in the second episode.

3.  The Daily Show.  Gave it a try, but too intellectual.

4.  American Idol.  For the life of me, I do not understand the staying power of this show.

5.  Arrested Development.  Intended to watch it, but never got around to it.

6.  The Wire.  Never watched it because it seems to be a major scary downer (and Frank didn't want to watch any prison rape.  Oh wait, that's Oz.  Same thing).

7.  The Office (U.K. version).  Watched a few episodes but accents were too much work for me to decode.

8.  The Shield.  What?

9.  Gilmore Girls.  Unable to watch due to husband's strong objections.

10.  The Comeback.  You know, with Lisa Kudrow?  Still can't remember?  Canceled after one season. 

My list, in no particular order:

1.  The Sopranos

2.  SATC

3.  Curb Your Enthusiasm (the early years)

4.  The Office (before Jim and Pam were a couple)

5.  Entourage

6.  Flipping Out  (duh)

7.  Project Runway (the Bravo years)

8.  Flight of the Conchords

9.  30 Rock

10.  Intervention (I KNOW)

I haven't discussed this with Frank yet, but I'm certain this is his list:

1.  Sportscenter

2.  Monday Night Football

3.  Entourage (only the ones with nudity)

What were your favorite shows?