Calling all investors, collectors and aspiring gold diggers!

Kim Zolciak has given you the opportunity of a lifetime--she's opened her own ebay store.   As a Real Housewives of Atlanta expert, I can tell you that there are some real bargains just waiting to take a chunk out of your 401(k).  The following is my exclusive analysis on two of the items up for auction.

1.  The buy-it-now price for this iconic dress (size not specified):

Only $4500!  Before bidding, I recommend asking the seller whether the gown comes with any cigarette burns.  If the answer is yes, BUY BUY BUY.  It is details like this that will help authenticate the gown when the Smithsonian comes calling (and I happen to know that it is quietly collecting memorabilia for its Trashy Reality TV exhibition).

2.  Every girl needs a pay-for-play dress, and this stunner will run you $3000. 

As a woman who is au courant in the area of slutty fashion, Kim knows that sometimes you need to spend the big bucks to look like a cheap street whore.  However, despite its obvious beauty, I do have reservations about this dress.  Although the seller does not mention it, my keen eye tells me that it reeks of desperation and Forever Mariah Carey, both of which are difficult scents to remove.  Buyer beware!

You can find more in her ebay store, Kim Z Couture Closet.  As of right now, there are no singed wigs or previously used bikini bottoms for sale, but I wouldn't be surprised if they start showing up in the next few days as the bidding on the gowns heats up.  Kim's clothes and accessories are true investment pieces; if your financial advisor tells you any differently, he's just a hater.  You and I both know that one could never regret emptying his or her bank account to own an item worn by the woman who inspired the words "CLOSE YA LEGS TO MARRIED MEN!" and almost got her ass beat by Sheree.  Don't let your "better judgment" hold you back--buy now before someone else snaps up your future.  Good luck!

Advice for tomorrow night

Keep your tits tucked in.

Things tend to go downhill rapidly when your nipples start to sneak out.  I'm not pointing any fingers, I'm just saying it's generally a good rule to follow.

(If anyone wants to write a song--I'm thinking rap, or maybe even country--called "Keep Your Tits Tucked In" I would not object.  In fact, I think it would make a nice follow-up to Tardy for the Party.  Think about it.)

photo from here

Warning: this photo may hypnotize you

I've been looking at it for about 10 minutes now and I still can't tear myself away.  I think I want to...motorboat Andy Cohen's furry chest?  Yes.  Yes, I do.

Remember the reports of Kim Zolciak demanding more money to appear on the Real Housewives of Atlanta?  Well, Kim has turned out to be a wily negotiator--recently she pulled out her secret weapon:  The Lesbian Rumor.  Her alleged lover is the lady in the middle of that gay manwich up there, 9th grade algebra teacher Miami DJ Tracy Young.  Can you hear Bravo panting?  Read more juicy details here. 

(By the way, I know some sites are saying that Kim has already been fired, but I can't find any confirmation from a reputable--and I use that word hesitantly in this context--source.  If you can, email my know-it-all ass.)

Don't forget the Top Chef reunion tonight.  I don't know if I can bear to watch my sweet Porkchop put on a brave face for the cameras. 

If there is any justice in the world, he will win fan favorite.   

Thoughts?

Heffah and Moose play hardball

Have you heard that NeNe and Kim are demanding more money to appear on the Real Housewives of Atlanta?

"Text that bitch Andy Cohen and tell him he's picking up our tab at Cinco's tonight or we walk!"

Yes!  TMZ says they're holding out in order to get their super-high 'lectricity bills paid (!) but Gatecrasher says it's about "diva-esque requests."  Both sound right to me.

I love watching NeNe and Kim on RHOA, but what I would love even more would be to see their reactions when Bravo stops returning their phone calls.  Talk about a BAM! to the FACE.

Speaking of $$$, I recently ran across Bravo's "can you match the pocketbook to the ATL housewife?" quiz (NO, I am not kidding).  Let's ignore the fact that on the previous season of RHOA, "pocketbook" meant "vagina" and move on to the more pressing matter:  NeNe's pocketbook.

 Oh GOD, I cannot stop giggling.  Can't you see her emptying the contents of her handbag and carefully pulling out that styrofoam plate of chicken and rice, explaining "I'm HUNgreee!!" (not to mention a little irregular). 

Honestly, I have no room to talk--my purse is full of garbage.  Who am I to judge? ("but I'm HUNgree!!")

Anyhow, thank you, Bravo.  Thank you for these dumbshit quizzes on your website (find more here, here and here).  I'm sure Kim and NeNe will find them to be a satisfying way to pass the time when they are out of a J-O-B.

Update on Monday, December 14, 2009 by SGM

Sweetshorn's comment: "Kim has Valtrex and Newport King 100s in hers. I suspect she carries wet wipes around too. You know, because of the pantyless miniskirt situation." 

Ladies and Gentlemen, Kim's purse:

Bet you $50 that the Newports and Valtrex are smashed into the red patent wallet.