Twit pic indeed

"No Jill, trust me on this.  Why pose for a picture on a boring sidewalk when a rully busy street is just a few steps away?"

Photo from here.

Heffah and Moose play hardball

Have you heard that NeNe and Kim are demanding more money to appear on the Real Housewives of Atlanta?

"Text that bitch Andy Cohen and tell him he's picking up our tab at Cinco's tonight or we walk!"

Yes!  TMZ says they're holding out in order to get their super-high 'lectricity bills paid (!) but Gatecrasher says it's about "diva-esque requests."  Both sound right to me.

I love watching NeNe and Kim on RHOA, but what I would love even more would be to see their reactions when Bravo stops returning their phone calls.  Talk about a BAM! to the FACE.

Speaking of $$$, I recently ran across Bravo's "can you match the pocketbook to the ATL housewife?" quiz (NO, I am not kidding).  Let's ignore the fact that on the previous season of RHOA, "pocketbook" meant "vagina" and move on to the more pressing matter:  NeNe's pocketbook.

 Oh GOD, I cannot stop giggling.  Can't you see her emptying the contents of her handbag and carefully pulling out that styrofoam plate of chicken and rice, explaining "I'm HUNgreee!!" (not to mention a little irregular). 

Honestly, I have no room to talk--my purse is full of garbage.  Who am I to judge? ("but I'm HUNgree!!")

Anyhow, thank you, Bravo.  Thank you for these dumbshit quizzes on your website (find more here, here and here).  I'm sure Kim and NeNe will find them to be a satisfying way to pass the time when they are out of a J-O-B.

Update on Monday, December 14, 2009 by SGM

Sweetshorn's comment: "Kim has Valtrex and Newport King 100s in hers. I suspect she carries wet wipes around too. You know, because of the pantyless miniskirt situation." 

Ladies and Gentlemen, Kim's purse:

Bet you $50 that the Newports and Valtrex are smashed into the red patent wallet.

Easy now, Pam

I think your dress just barfed on you.

Everyone loves a hypocrite!

Especially when it comes to reality tv, and the Real Housewives of Orange County has a real contender in Alexis Bellino. I wasn't going to even bother with the salacious rumors surrounding her previous marriage--until last night, with all of the talk about "Jim is a Godly man" and "we have the same morals and values and we're both Christians and why let tempation into your life?"  Well, read this and this and this.  While these sources admittedly aren't The New York Times, the stories don't sound too far-fetched considering the uber-clingy nature of Alexis and Jim's marriage.

Other comments about last night's episode:

1.  I fucking love Donn Gunvalson.  My fists clench with the intensity of it!  Did you see how he handled that puffy blowhard Jim?  This is basically what went down:  Vicki had planned a girls' trip (for GIRLS), to Florida.  Donn, Jim and Simon are hanging out after golf and Jim's all "so we're going to Florida."  Donn says (with his smile that instantly warms me) "We?  'We' weren't invited."  Then belligerent Jim:  "Why?  blah blah blah we never spend a day apart because I'm a stupid asshole and my wife is a $2 whore."

Donn follows up with a "knock yourself out, I'm not going."  Jim:  "is Vicki gonna be a bitch about it?" (that's what he meant to say, anyway).  Donn:  "she's a big girl; she'll figure it out." 

Shake your pom-poms for Donn, everyone.  I mean, REALLY.  He's so honest, yet diplomatic and charming with his easy smile and crinkly eyes.   I'm telling you, it's making me look for a reason to like Vicki--if he likes her, then there must be some tiny bit of awesome in her that we can't see.

Now.  Will someone please explain the "I don't believe in spending time apart" mentality?  Because as any woman knows, girls' weekends are about eating, drinking and having in-depth discussions about sex and in-laws and Jolie vs. Aniston.  It is not about carousing for men.  All of this bullshit about "I trust my wife 100%, it's not about trust" is a BIG ODIOUS LIE.  If you can't let your wife or girlfriend be alone without you for a weekend, then you don't trust her.   GOD, I could pop a blood vessel over this.  Girls' weekends are crucial to a marriage, if you ask me.  Frank doesn't want to listen to me blather on about shoes and Tila Tequila and the bitch mom at my kids' school.  My girls DO.  Please discuss.   

2.  Save for the tanning party wiener incident, I think Slade and Gretchen are kind of...adorable and funny.  THERE, I said it. Go ahead, call me a pussy.  I stand by my feelings.

3.  Lynne and Raquel's tag team plastic surgeries.  Just bad decisions all around.

4.  I am so TIRED, so FINISHED, with the Tamra and Gretchen drama that I happily changed the channel when it was time for their meeting.  Apparently Tamra has now requested Gretchen take a lie-detector test. 

Tamra Barney, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, please move on. 

Now, an special announcement:  have you been wondering where you can get a thoughtful analysis of MTV's Jersey Shore? 

I have, and I am pleased to inform you that my dear friend and confidante gayhooker has started his own blog, A Kiss from God, to serve this very need (plus many other needs).  His observations are both witty and sexual, and I think you will enjoy it immensely.  Go on over and introduce yourself, won't you?  See you there!

This post brought to you by Advil

I was perusing Lucky magazine's Cute Outfit of the Day and went all the way back to November 4 to bring you this gem:

A oversized chambray blazer with rolled-up sleeves, paired with a patchwork shirt.  What I want to know is, why stop there?  Why not go all the way and accessorize it with an Olgivie home perm, high-waisted pants, and these babies:

Some nude pantyhose and Santa earrings would finish off the look nicely. What I'm trying to say is that chambray jackets, especially of the XXL variety, are never, ever cute or even appropriate.  Unless you work at the DMV--that's the one exception.

I'm not going to talk about Top Chef, except to tell you that I couldn't even watch the last 15 minutes.  Much to intense for my sensitive soul--I had to turn it off and take a breather.  Then someone spoiled it for me, and I have to admit, it was a relief.  Now I don't have to witness Padma crushing anyone's dreams, nor do I have to watch the winner supress the urge to fistpump and scream with joy.  If you want to watch it, knock yourself out.  The three finalists are on Watch What Happens Live tonight.  I think I will actually watch because I love my little Porky Pie Kevin. 

On the Real Housewives of Orange County tonight, Lynne and Raquel get their faces all cut up while Gretchen and Tamra have a fight.  Again.

Love you bitches.  xoxo