I hope you have a defibrillator nearby

because Jeff Lewis is yelling at his staff, oh God the yelling, and there's scary drumbeat music and Zoila escapes and some woman that is not me wants to have a private meeting, ALONE, with Jeff.  You must watch this preview for season 4 of Flipping Out:

(click through if you can't see the clip because it is mandatory viewing)

The only thing that's saving me right now is this:

It sets my loins afire!  But what the hell is wrong with that baby?

The season premieres on August 10.  Read more here (including the shocking news that Jett's last name is Pink).

In other Bravo news, the country's finest archaeologists have been working day and night digging up New York City looking for lost footage of the Real Housewives of New York City.  I am happy to report that they finally found it!  (Jill had buried it in an enormous bag of Ginger's poo along with 20 copies of the Coutness' cd and a bloody copy of Bethenny's book.)  Watch it TONIGHT.

Why am I so scared?

These are the lyrics to Danielle's new song, but also my feelings at this very moment.  Feast your eyeballs on this:

(click through if you can't see the video)

Despite her overall freaky demeanor, this isn't too terrible (but then again, I have Tardy for the Party on  my ipod).  What do you think?

video via dlisted

Albie is in pain

and he needs us.  I'm going to lift my boycott to watch tonight's Real Housewives of New Jersey.  Here is the heartbreaking clip:

(click through if you can't see the video)

Damn those law school snobs!  Albie, get yourself some meds and have Caroline pay off the admissions board at the University of Denver, where you can have a fresh start and I will be available (VERY available) to supervise your studies Hot for Teacher style.

Problem SOLVED.

Let the flames be a metaphor for our love

An angel named Suzy flew down from heaven yesterday to email me hot-off-the-presses pictures of Jeff and Jenni at El Pollo Loco's annual grilling competition.   She reported that they were super-nice and that Jenni asked to try on one of the mascot costumes.  My heart swells with joy.

Thank you, Suzy, from the bottom of my desperate, aching heart.

In other news:

A few of you have been busting my chops for flaking out on the recaps.  It is true, I have been lax in my duties to you and I feel tremendous guilt and shame.  I want you to know that this blog is a labor of love, and the bulk of the recaps are written after 10pm.  Sometimes during this late night time slot, I am forced to attend to urgent business on facebook, such as looking at pictures of people I haven't spoken to since junior high.  On other nights, I find that it is a better use of my time to lay completely immobile on the couch while watching Diners, Drive-Ins and Dives. 

It's not that I don't care about you, it's just that I often find it difficult to get shit done late at night.  If recapping was my day job, I would churn it OUT for you.  Yes I would.  But for now, I will continue to be inconsistent with the recaps and to exercise my God-given right to ignore Real Housewives of New Jersey.  Except for this.

Oh stop!  You know you wish you could work a pole like that.

Thanks for reading; I really do appreciate it.  Crazy blazing ass-burning chicken love to all of you.

Two-fer

Yardwork featuring trashcan and outline of Blackberry, 2010 (part of the photographic series Frank's Butt)

Flipping Out's Jeff Lewis with client Chazzzzz.  Finally, I understand what Katy Perry means about hottness melting my popsicle.

Tonight on the everlasting Real Housewives of New York City reunion,  Sonja teaches Kelly how to count to four and Ramoner's neck retreats further into her shoulders:

(click through if you can't see the video)