"He makes me wanna get more botox."

Aw!  Here's my dilemma: My jealous brain is telling me to attack Gage, to heap verbal destruction on him until there is blood dripping down my chin and tufts of blond hair in my teeth and carrion birds circling overhead. 

But my heart tells me that I can't.  For one thing, look how happy Jeff is.  He's smiling, he's hugging freely, he's getting some 25 year old ass.  I myself am deeply familiar with the allure of the younger man--Frank is 3 months younger than I--and it would be hypocritical, not to mention cruel, for me to deny Jeff this pleasure. 

Then there is Gage himself.  In this episode, we witness him blushingly admit to eating 8-13 brownies in one sitting.  At work.  How can I hate someone who is so undisciplined when it comes to chocolate?  How can I hate someone who is so much like myself?  I am required to accept him as a brother. 

I know Gage is sitting at his computer right now, sweating bullets, hitting refresh, refresh, waiting to see if I am going to give this relationship my blessing or whether I am going to drive to LA to murder him.  Rest easy, Gage.  I approve.  All bets are off, however, if there is any making out on camera.  Then we'll have to go back to the blood dripping down the chin scenario. 

All right!  Now that we have that out of the way, let's recap the season 5 premiere of Flipping Out:

1.  In the vacuum between last season and this one, Valley Oak has sold and Jeff Lewis Design has moved into a new house.  It's a smaller space, forcing everyone to work in tight quarters.  Trace has been installed inches from Jeff's face because Jeff believes he's been sending too many personal emails.  Trace laments his proximity to "the crazy" and longs to trade places with Sarah, who works two feet away at the dining room table.

Jeff reports that Sarah has not been making as many mistakes, but she's still "just a little slower than the rest of the kids."

All of this commentary is very important foreshadowing, as it has been hinted all over the internets that someone gets fired this season.  That makes me nervous.  The kind of nervous that involves a toilet. 

2.  Gage is introduced as Jeff's business manager and significant other (it does stick in my throat, I must admit) and we learn that Jeff has a speaking engagement at the San Francisco Design Center.  In what proves to be a critical scene, Jeff tells Gage that he doesn't want to attend the cocktail party before or the reception after.  He is contractually obligated to one hour of speaking, he says, and that's it.  So fuck you motherfuckers.

Gage convinces him to do the cocktail party, but Jeff puts his foot down on the reception afterwards.

"I'm happy to get bombed with these people but it will be a cold day in hell before I eat dry chicken and sip Pelligrino with them."

3.  Sarah is talking to the camera about Gage and calls him a baby, "and by baby, I mean [pause] babydoll." As she says this, she pats her heart lovingly.

Sarah, if you get fired, I would like to hire you as a close friend.  It would be more like an unpaid internship, and there would be some babysitting and light housekeeping involved, but I think we'd both really get a lot out of it. 

(Oh, and for those of you who think I'm getting all soft by liking everyone on this show, my therapist tells me it's ENCOURAGING and a POSTIVE STEP and I thank you in advance not to RIDE MY ASS ABOUT IT.)

4.  At lunch, Jeff announces to Zoila that he and Gage are thinking about legally adopting her. 

Wow, this must be a new trend, adopting these older girls!  My own husband has expressed an interest in adopting a 22 year old fitness model from Sweden.  That's my man--so generous and big-hearted.  I'm not convinced it's a good idea at this time, but I promised Frank I'd think about it.

Anyhow, Jeff and Gage's hearts are in the right place, but adoption would give Zoila even more incentive to kill them.  It's a legitimate concern.  

5.  Skipping to the drama--Jeff, Gage, and Jenni fly to San Francisco (in a private plane a la Skinnygirl) and head straight to the cocktail party.  It's crowded and hot and everyone wants to touch him, and this pretty much sums it up:

"It's work," he says to the camera.  But he's handling it very well.  He's approaching groups and posing for photos and chatting amiably, UNTIL.  Until Lisa, a blonde pixie-haired woman from California Home and Design magazine, confronts Jeff, Real Housewives style (i.e. AN AMBUSH).  Guess who was sponsoring Jeff's visit and paying for his fancy hotel and just wanted a little lunch reception? 

Oh shit.  Oooooooh shit!  The mood has turned from party to nasty.  Jeff tries to buy time.  "What did I do?" he asks.  "What did I do again?"  She tells him that he canceled the reception two days before, and it was an embarrassment to her and her clients.  She is flushed and ANGRY.  Jeff is shiny and stumbling and trying to buy time while pleading with his eyes to someone, anyone, the camera guy, Andy Cohen, HELP ME.  Mercifully, Gage appears out of thin air at Jeff's side.  "I looked like a dick," Jeff is telling Lisa, and Lisa agrees, "you looked like a dick." 

As flustered as Jeff is, Gage is cool.  Smoooooth.  

Jeff:  Oh God, I'm going to puke in public.  Breathe, Jeff.  Breathe!

Gage:  Chill, baby!  It's no good for a lady as fine as you to get all worked up."

Both of them apologize profusely and what to know what they can do to rectify the situation, but Lisa's all "THE DAMAGE IS DONE."  To the camera, Gage accepts 100% of the blame.  This is why Jeff loves him. 

6.  There is a short scene, presented without explanation, wherein a man named Guillermo takes photos of Sarah on a job site.

I enjoyed it.

7.  Jenni, Gage and Jeff are headed to the speaking engagement.  Jeff wants hand signals from Jenni if he starts to ramble, or if he gets too sweaty, or does some unspecified thing with his foot.  He's nervous and vulnerable and it's all very sexy.

Backstage, he's pacing and Bravo's playing a song that is very reminiscent of Lose Yourself by Eminem and it is so intense, like he's heading into some sort of battle rather than a Q & A in front of a bunch of design geeks. 

The actual speaking begins and he's fine, he's funny, but I can't really concentrate because in the corner of my tv screen, there is a pulsating platinum hatred radiating from Lisa in the audience.  She will not forget the canceled luncheon for as long as she lives.  NEVER! 

8.  There's a bunch of other stuff, like how Jeff is working on approximately 48 projects and did a remodel for this lady Marlo who was unhappy and complainy with Jeff and Sarah but I think it's mostly because she just broke up with her fiance and her life is in broken pieces.  But they shared hug at the end and it was all fine. 

Your thoughts?  Don't hold back.

Things that concern you

1.  My brother played "Money Can't Buy You Class" at his wedding reception this weekend.  As you might expect, it cleared the dance floor but the 4 people remaining (one of whom was yours truly) were singing along exhuberantly and having seizures of ecstacy.

Incidentally, if you ever get invited to a wedding in which the bride's younger sister has the nickname "The Animal,"  YOU SHOULD GO.

2.  I tried to catch up with RHONY last night, but those old hags whine and bicker more than my children, which is really saying something.  I'm not up for it, to be quite honest, especially since I can't send them to their rooms and then force them to hug each other. 

"Oh yeah?  Well, you're a poopy fart face who poops in a fart butt!"

3.  Season 5 of Flipping Out premieres tonight.  Guess what?  This may be the Tylenol PM speaking, but I am having warm feelings for Gage, Jeff's boyfriend:

It was the "good luck to you in the future" that did it.  Frank occasionally does that to me on the phone after we've had a disagreement.  He'll end the call with "have a nice life" and I'll say something like, "same to you, my friend."  And that's how people who love each other tell each other to fuck off. 

Fair warning to Andy Cohen if he tries a nudey bathtub scene on this show-- 

I will fly to New York and personally punch you in the nuts.  Think about it, Andy. Think about it.

Let me count the ways....

You need to watch this.  NOW. 

 Read more HERE.

"I used to be a fun gay. I'm not a fun gay anymore."

"So, uh, your choices are brown, dark brown, and really dark brown."

Dearest Jeff,

You're back!  I am so thrilled.  While I'm eager to discuss the Season 4 opener of Flipping Out with you, I first must eat some pie--and don't bother looking for it on the McDonald's dollar menu because it's not there.  I'm talking about humble pie.  Last year, I didn't think Ryan was stealing business from you.  To quote Ramoner, I thought you were making a mountain out of a hole hill.  But after watching this episode and hearing about the flood of business you've been getting, as well as more stories of clients who felt they were misled, I now believe that you were right.   I apologize for doubting you.  If it makes you feel any better, I also believed Jon Gosselin when he said that the woman he was with in a bar at 2am was "just a friend."  I am clearly handicapped when it comes to reading people.  Please forgive me.

Let's talk about the show.

Your life is busier than ever.  You have jobs not only in LA, but in other states. 

If you're not driving or flying to see a client, you're meeting a client.  Your one meal of the day consists of chicken McNuggets with a Binaca chaser.  You finally arrive home only to find that your employees are making mistakes and your animals are peeing and pooping in the house with impudence.  Life is filled with pressure and stress.  To the camera, you lament that you are no longer a "fun gay."

Jeff, I was gay for a few days this summer and I also dabble in life-coaching, so I feel I'm qualified to advise you on this matter.  When I was feeling not-so-fun (common among lesbians), I'd often meditate and then go out with friends.  Other times, I'd score some coke and get a hooker.  Either way, pretty soon I'd be feeling fun again.  There are many ways to feel like a fun gay, Jeff.  Don't limit yourself. 

Speaking of lesbians,  

you said (indirectly about your clients Nancy and Emily), "You just don't want to push a lesbian too far because they can get tough.  I love lesbians, but you have know your boundaries.  She could lay me out on that floor in two seconds."

YOU ARE SO RIGHT.  I'll spare you the details of my own experience, but let's just say that there is nothing more painful than getting a Birkenstock to the crotch.  I hope for your sake that their renovation goes smoothly. 

Jett's hair is looking so much better, and his baby is adorable. 

I would so Hand-that-Rocks-the-Cradle that situation if I were Jenni.  Yes indeed.  Oh, and while we're on the subject of Jett, he explained in detail how to make your favorite drink, a blue cheese stuffed olive Grey Goose dirty martini.  I hope you cleared that with Vicki Gunvalson because it's actually her drink (see here).  Watch your back.  She's not a lesbian but I bet she fights like one.  

Sara is delightful.  Last season, I was very jealous of her, which caused me to direct a lot of anger and criticism her way.  Now, thanks to months of therapy and pharmaceutical intervention, I find her sweet and guileless--the perfect foil for you.  Remember when you made her pick up "booger napkins" that someone had left on the ground?  And then you both playfully joked about smelling like trash?  In the past I would have found a way to crucify her on this blog, but now I simply throw my butterscotch mojito at the tv and forget about it.   Progress!

Let's talk about the Nicaraguan Inquisition, shall we?  You hounded Zoila in front of the whole office about where she was going until she finally confessed she was getting a bikini wax.  The joke was ultimately on you because she has figured out that she just has to say anything personal and private like that and you'll let her go.  But still, you were out of line.  And even though I was mortified to watch you go on and ask about a Brazilian, it was worth it to see this:

You have finally unlocked the secret to ruffling Trace--talk about Zoila's pubic hair. 

Jenni looks fantastic.

I am so happy to hear she's dating someone.  I know that you are not so pleased, and that you think she is distracted by her new relationship and the attendant sexting.  You feel it's causing her to make mistakes, such as when she forgot to bring the client's phone number and you were unable to call when you were running late.  If you'd like, I could coach her on the matter of showing proper remorse.  I'm thinking earsplitting wailing followed by lying down in front of the car, begging to be run over.  I do that for my husband and he finds it very satisfying. 

You looked especially handsome in this episode.  I like how you've incorporated flannel into your wardrobe.  Very butch.  That reminds me--I am thinking of doing a topless calendar with the men of Bravo.  Ideally, the group would be you, Jett, Albie, Sheree and Donn Gunvalson.  Maybe Andy Cohen if he waxes his chest.  Are you interested?  If the idea of showing so much skin turns you off, I would consider letting you wear suspenders and a bow-tie.  Let me know.

Congrats on the outstanding season opener!

Love,

SGM

Hit me like a bomb baby come and get it ON

 

Flipping Out returns tonight.  I have kind of a nervous tummy about it, so I'm going to lie down for a bit and eat some Pringles. While I'm doing that, check out this revealing interview Jeff did with out.com and tell me how you plan to watch/celebrate tonight's season premiere (i.e. drinking hard liquor, eating cupcakes, getting naked etc).