"Well, I don't care what anyone says, if you don't have a P.F. Chang's in a strip mall, you're not a real city."
Sunday, November 15, 2009 
While Vicki didn't actually say this, I think we can all agree that this is the gist of her Italian vacation. Poor Vicki; she was completely out of her element. I am sure she lay awake nights in her tiny hotel room, quietly cursing Rome's lack of tanning parties, California wine, and extra-large pillows with which to suffocate her bleating, aged mother.
The Real Housewives of Orange County still has the power to make me gasp in horror and delight (at the same time!) which is really quite an accomplishment given how this series, over time, has completely dulled my sense of propriety. I know you understand.
Recap time!
1. The show opens with the conclusion of the Tamra vs. Gretchen screaming match that broke out at Lynne's cuff party (pretend you know what that is). Here is a synopsis:
Tamra: "You stick vibrators up your va-jay-jay on the internet! You are a disgusting, diseased piece of hooker trash who preys on gross old men with bad breath! People call me every day to tell me how much they hate you! You make my skin crawl!"
Jeana: "Um, Gretchen, are you going to finish that butter? The housing market is really down and I--"
Gretchen: "Oh yeah, Tamra? What about you losing your home?"
Vicki: "Oh, now that's just MEAN. I can't believe you would say something like that! You have crossed the line."
Tamra and Vicki stalk out, but only after Vicki indignantly slurps down the rest of her wine. The camera switches back and forth between Team Tamra charging toward the elevator and Team Gretchen relaxing on the couch, and big words are thrown about, such as manipulative, defame, cunning and my personal favorite, "$1.7 million filthy nasty whore."
The scene ends with Tamra talking about how she wants to spend time with "wholesome people who have families and jobs." Yeah, Tamra! Walk the walk, girl!
(November 2009 photo from here)
2. Tanning party, held the day after the fight, in order to help Gretchen cope. Slade acts totally inappropriate and desperate as he makes jokes about a serving spoon ("maybe I can use this on you later?" Perhaps funny in private, but not so funny at a nationally televised party at which Gretchen's mother is present). The he does the whole business with the sock on his wiener.
"Hey, where's the camera? Oh, there it is! I guess now would be a good time to tell everyone that I peed in the lemonade!"
Despite Slade's "LOOK AT ME!" shenanigans, Lynne and her 16 year old daughter Alexa have the best moment of the tanning party:
And even better was Lynne snapping out of her mellow haze to shout, "JESUS CHRIST, I can't believe she did that!" Lynne, who is very aware of the camera, gives Alexa a definite no for what looks to be the first time EVER. Good for you, Lynne. Then Gretchen gives an ironic speech to the camera about her concern that Lynne "glosses over the drinking" with her daughters. Bravo, never skipping a beat, shows footage of Gretchen getting freaky on the tequila last season.
3. Tamra and Vicki meet for lunch. Tamra admits that her finances "aren't great" with the stank economy and Simon's career change. They are upside-down in their house and Tamra is scared. Vicki tells the camera that she thinks it's time Simon give up his dreams of tequila grandeur and get back to selling Mercedes to rich ladies. Great advice, Vicki! We all know that the luxury car business is just BOOMING these days.
4. Cut to Jeana, who also confesses to being waaaaaay in over her head, but we already knew that because Big Mouth Vicki told the world that Jeana asked her for a loan (seriously, what an asshole). Jeana has sold watches and cars to stay afloat and is still on the brink of losing her home. We see her show a couple a $12 million house ($300,000 commission!) and she looks so goddamn depressed that I almost feel sorry for her.
5. Vicki is packing for her trip to Italy by shoving everything she owns into about 37 suitcases. Vicki insists to her daughter Brianna that Vicki's mom, Nana, won't drive them crazy. (Yeah, just US, but more on that later.)
6. Slade and Gretchen have a garage sale and guess what? Slade puts on some goofy outfits! One of which is the tightest, tiniest, most colorful wrestling singlet thingy you have EVER seen! I will not give him the satisfaction of posting the photo.
Gretchen laughs at the idea that everyone thinks she got $1.7 million upon Jeff's death. In a major backpedaling move, Gretchen says that everyone thought Jeff was this rich guy, but he really wasn't. INTERESTING.
7. Lynne visits a plastic surgeon with deadbeat daughter Raquel (who is maybe 19? 20?). Did anyone else narrow her eyes when Lynne told Raquel, "you look like a Playboy bunny already." EEK. Lynne tries, you guys! She tries so hard, but she just misses the mark.
Lynne brings some fresh comedy to the doctor's office by saying "my face has fallen and I can't get up!" Hahahaha. Doc tells her that she needs to lose the neanderthal brow.
Next up is Raquel, who's slated for a nose job. Lynne tells the camera that Raquel has poor self-esteem and "she needs this right now." YEAH, because her mom told the world that her self-esteem is in the crapper!
8. Vicki, Brianna and Nana are in Rome. Everything--the hotel lobby, the room, the stairs, the beds--is too small for Vicki. She paid a big price and she wants big! Supersize it, you Italian motherfuckers! Meanwhile in the lobby, Nana is repeating "E.T. go home," which is truly one of the most annoying 10 seconds of tv I have ever endured (and I still watch The Real World, fyi). In a nutshell, Vicki and (especially) Nana are unimpressed with Italy. The waiters don't speak English very well! The menus are in Italian! The shopping is better in Orange County! The Colusseum is a snoooooooze!
Brianna is the only one who exits this scene with her dignity intact. For a lovely story about Brianna (I'M NOT BEING SARCASTIC), please see Vicki's blog.
9. Lynne's daughter Alexa throws a tantrum because she's not getting any plastic surgery. No beer or plastic surgery? Lynne is so strict!
10. Jeana and Kara go slumming at H&M. Boring.
11. Tamra and Simon go to dinner with new Housewife Alexis and her husband Jim.
The dinner conversation is straight out of the 1950s, with Tamra insisting that she does try to obey Simon and Alexis preparing Jim's plate, followed by Simon chewing Tamra's ass for not fixing him a plate even though the food is right in front of his gd face. Frank watched this part and then turned to me and said "I would be ASHAMED and EMBARRASSED if you prepared my plate." In essence, Frank called Jim and Simon pussies, and I have to say I agree.
12. Tamra and Simon are forced to sell their house, and Tamra gets teary. I start to feel a wee twinge of sadness until I hear that they spent $400k in upgrades. Their tragic downsizing will probably result in a home that is still considered huge and nice by a majority of the American public. In the words of Justin Timberlake, "cry me a river." No--wait. I take that back. I'm sure it is very frightening to sell your home at a loss and be married to a dude who thinks you should obey him like a dog. I shall instead quote Tupac: "girl, keep ya head up" but please, Tamra, chill out on Gretchen.
This Thursday: JEANA LEAVES THE SHOW, and there appears to be a thrillingly tense conversation/exit interview with Andy, Vicki and Jeana.
Speak up!
Reader Comments (22)
Excellent recap!
One thing that struck me about the trip to Italy - Vicki's daughter was the only one who seemed to be an adult. Vicki WooHoos through the steets, grandma acts like a surly teenager all the time. Must have abeen a trip from hell for the girl.
That photo of Tamra... did Simon really let her out of the house like that? Not that he's controlling, but seriously, if you loved someone wouldn't you stop them at the door and give them a reality check? Good Lord she looks so deperate.
I hate to see Jeana go, she's the only one with any sense on the show - which I guess makes her kid of boring in that respect. I'll miss her. I hope everything works out well for her and she has a happy life. She's a nice "classy" (hate that word but it does apply here) lady.
Last night I couldn't sleep, I was so tore up thinking about the RH of the OC. Seriously. I was thinking: if I had to be best friends with one of these women who would it be? I settled on Gretchen because she seems fun and rich guys would probably buy us drinks a lot. Then just as I was drifting off I thought: if I had to peg myself as most like one of these women, who would it be? Fuck. I mean I guess Lynne? I don't know. She's kind of the quietest, although I hate working out. I mean, these asinine questions just kept coming out of nowhere: If I had to spend the rest of my life with either Simon or Slade, who would I choose? (Slade simply so I could take his last name.) This show--god, how I love it/hate it. And another: would I rather have to wear those jewel-encrusted deep-v tank tops that they all wear EVERY DAY, or would I rather talk like Raquel? Either way I wouldn't be able to explain it to anyone.
It was a loooong night. But god, I'm glad that show is back.
Well, *I* would fix Frank a plate.
has anyone but else noticed that most of the real housewives of the o.c. resemble farm animals? vicky...so easy...positively porcine, oink oink. gretchen looks just like the mouse thats roams around the farmhouse looking for a smidge of cheese...her nose even twitches! lynn is some type of monkey, which is not a farm animal but what the hell...its a zoo.
and by the way, it really ls like that in the oc, i used to live there. watch it feeling more grateful every time that i got out with my breasts intact!
I thought I watched this whole show but I must have fallen asleep because I don't remember half of it!!! I did see Vicki showing her ignorance in Italy and was SO embarrassed for her. Is she really that stupid? She's in Italy and wants them to find her some California wine? I still can't get oer that...
Re: the picture of Tamara in that grey dress. She reminds me of that 80's video "The Warrior" . WTF? I thought is WAS a picture from the 80's or what she had worn for Halloween...seriously!
I must say that I have been Team Gretchen all the way, that is until I saw the pictures that everyone was talking about. Good God woman, have some self respect. The thing that tipped me off was when she startd dating Slade. I just can't look at her now without thinking of those skanky pictures. Honestly, why doesn't she just do porn? She could probably make a good living at it.
Did anyone else cry sympathy tears when Tamra sniffled on about not being able to afford $500 a month maid fees, so she had to take time out of her job-free day to clean her own house?
No?
I swear I am not a Gretchen fan, but it's hard when Tamra is such a shrill idiot bitch. Anyway, it was kind of funny to see that totally NOT flattering picture of Tamra Thinkin' She's So Hot and then right below it, an absolutely gorgeous, flawless, almost angelic (as long as you don't know what she's thinking or saying) picture of Gretchen (even with the hokey hankerchif on her head). Hee hee. Of course, then there is Slade Slimy with his dumb ass necklace and greased back hair and scratchy over-groomed ungroomed beard right next to her and it kind of reminds you of the fact that she's just as big of a lying idiot as Tamra. She's just not bitter yet.
I do not feel sorry for Tamra. People with taste that terrible don't deserve all that money to spend anyway.
And I'm glad I missed the trek to Italy because I thought I was done with Hiding Under My Sofa Pillows at Things Americans Say Abroad on National Television last January, but I guess not.
SGM, Thank you for a MOST EXCELLENT RECAP. Delightful!
Susannah, those questions are extremely difficult to answer and I bet you were mighty glad to wake up the next morning and realize you don't have to make them. Now I'm going to be up all night. But I'm hoping that Slade/Simon question will cut down on my calorie consumption tomorrow because the thought is so awful it makes my stomach turn. And I would look so awful in one of those synthetic tops it's not even funny, but I would much rather have to wear one of those than have any similarities with Raquel. She is practically feral. I mean, did Lynne and her husband even attempt to raise a human being capable of existing in society? Besides her probably awesome ability to text without vowel usage and talk on her cell phone, she has no real skills that I can see.
Lynne looks like if Steven Tyler started transitioning into a woman, and then about 40 percent of the way into the process, he just said the hell with it and stopped.
I am giving Orange County a try for the first time and I'm already done.
This is so far below the NY and NJ franchises. The OC women are pretty indistinguishable. They do nothing; they are just blonde bags of protoplasm.
I want to see people DOING things, not just sitting in vast granite-clad kitchens simmering with rage. I like watching Jill selling curtains at Zarin, or seeing Bethenny try (unsuccessfully) to sell her probably lousy brownies at some grocery store in Connecticut. SOMETHING...
I love these bitches the most.
We were drunk on the couch and I was all "Should I be making you plates?" and Jeff was all "That's some really vagina man shit right there".
Vagina man shit is my new phrase.
"Supersize it, you Italian motherfuckers!" SGM, I love you.
1. Since Vicki went to Italy this year, does this mean the Life with Vicki Cruise is postponed?
2. Tamra continues to amplify the word skank.
3. The sock that was once on Slade's wiener has committed suicide
4. Vicki is the reason Europeans refer to us as stupid Americans
5. Does anyone besides me think Alexa rides the short bus to school? Oh wait, she's probably home schooled by Lynne. Nevermind.
It is when commenters use words like "porcine" to describe Vicki and "feral" to describe Raquel that make me feel better about watching this show. You take it to a higher level! Whatever would I do without you all?
Re fixing the Southern tradition of fixing plates: I can understand if it's a buffet, because I have fixed many a plate in that situation myself, but when the platter is right in front of the man and he seems to expect it, that's a different story. ALSO, Frank thinks Alexis was cutting Jim's food (I can't remember b/c I was scribbling notes), and if this is true, then then he should just start drinking from the silicone teat because the man wants a mommy.
Anon, regarding the Steven Tyler comment... HA! I KNEW she looked familiar!! I effing hate this show, but hate myself even more for continuing to watch it.
SGM, The picture of you scribbling notes during the episode is funnier than any of the comments.
Also, I love Jeana, but sympathy tears were also NOT shed when she moaned about having to 'sell several cars'. What a tough life, only having a few cars left.
Also also? The idea that Vicki expected the waiters to be tripping over their feet trying to pamper a stupid loud blonde who obviously made no attempt to begin to communicate with them in their language with an incredibly rude mother killed me. I want to go to Italy just to apologize on America's behalf. Can you imagine what her reaction is when she meets Hispanics or other foreigners who don't speak great English? I guarantee she doesn't feel an urgent need to impress them and give them the best service possible.
Does Vicki know how dog-ugly she is? I mean, have any of the other Housewives pointed it out to her? She has a face that could give a sensitive child nightmares.
how come no one's mentioned that fact that vickie was touring a major european city...IN SHORTS. ugly americans, ya think? i also loved the scene with lynn laughing at her 16 year old bikini clad daughter, motioning to all comers in front of that store. what is she THINKING? anything? helllooo? anyone home?
Anon....the Stephen Tyler comment.....spot on!
One more note - If I looked like Gretchen I would NOT be wasting my time on Slade.
Honey, you can only look that good for so long. If you're gonna be a gold digger, own it and strike big while the iron is hot.
simon or slade is a good questin...like who you rather. most of my friends said slade...yikes ...why he seems to like women. simon hates women and needs someone to below him to feel better!!!!! both are far from being any "prize"..slade owes large child support & that is just wrong and what person quits a good job to sell booze!!!!!!