"He needs a slap across the face, doesn't he?"

Actually Vicki, I was thinking that you needed a slap across the face. Also, a kick in the coot. I am just the person to deliver both, but I have a feeling I'll have to get in line.

There were so many excellent quotes from this episode, but I chose this one because it was part of Vicki's bitchfight with Jeana's 16 year old son. What were they arguing about? Dippin' Dots. I am not even kidding.

This episode of Real Housewives of OC was full of verbal abuse and hypocritical parenting advice. It was also kind of boring, but don't worry, I've spiced it up for you. Let's turn this mother out!

1. Vicki and Jeana travel to Chicago together. Jeana is there to watch her sociopathic son, Shane, play a baseball game and Vicki is there to meet with Her People (aka minions) and pontificate about how awesome she is.

Exhibit A: Vicki's People, identifiable by their be-jeweled halters and tan lines.

Exhibit B: Vicki showing Her People how she pretends to fall asleep while she's having sex with Donn.

Just kidding. I have no idea what she's doing here, but her friend looks like she's been rode hard and put away muddy. With an empty love tank.

Vicki says a bunch of dumb shit like these are her real friends and it's hard to make friends with people in OC because they're jealous, competitive or don't like her. I'll go ahead and break that down for everyone: Vicki is jealous and competitive (not to mention pretentious, nasty and annoying), ergo, people do not like her.

2. Tamra accompanies her mom to the plastic surgeon where mom is going to be getting a facelift. (A little trailer park math: mom had Tamra at age 16, Tamra had Ryan at 18, therefore mom became a grandma at 34. Wowza.)

While the mom is being marked up by the doc, she says something along the lines of "I want us to be able to go out together." and Tamra says "not gonna happen. You can go out with Ryan, but only if you help him get some tail!" (I made up that part about tail to add drama, and because you know Tamra was thinking it.)

Tamra sheds a few tears as her mom is wheeled away. "I can't wait to get her all dressed up--maybe even get her a date or two" Tamra says, ever the dedicated family pimp.

3. Lynne and her daughters have a spa day. When Raquel arrives, she asks for a neck massage because she has to leave in 15 minutes to meet her boyfriend that she sees every gd day. Raquel then spends those 15 minutes texting and talking to the boyfriend on the phone and bugging the crap out of everyone.

Lynne proves her depth yet again when she says every-so-dryly, "they have so much stress, they wake up at 10 instead of their usual 12, and then get out of bed so that the cleaning lady can clean their room." Lynne, you obviously get that your daughters (especially brainless Raquel) are lazy and spoiled. Why do you support it?

Someone needs to take a big fistful of Raquel's hair and give it a good yank.

4. Gretchen and Jeff are thinking of investing in a gym. Gretchen tells the camera that this investment could be the financial security she's looking for if Jeff dies. Gretchen tours the gym, and her overt flirting combined with humping moves performed while strapped into the pilates machine make the gym look like some sort of large, well-lit, Cali-style S&M palace.

Freaky.

5. Back to The Vicki Show in Chicago! Jean, Vicki and Her People all go out to dinner. Kimberly, former Housewife from season 1, is there too. Guess what? Vicki didn't whip out her laptop and start answering email! Guess she considers these friends not to be a total waste of time.

Vicki makes some declarations about "My People!" and Jeana, to the camera, rolls her eyes and says "what is she? Hitler?" YES. It's about time you noticed, Jeana. Then we see Vicki looking deeply into the eyes of a minion while saying "I love you," and clutching her hand. I'm all for love, but this was so phony. I guarantee the next words out of Vicki's mouth were "now you tell me that you love me more, and then I'll tell you about how busy I am."

The subject turns to kids, and Vicki says that her twenty-something year old son and his girlfriend live with her. Vicki makes a point of saying that she will not allow her adult children to have sex in her house before marriage. She gets all self-righteous about it, and when Kimberly questions her on it, Vicki points at Jeana and said says accusingly, "she lets her children sleep together at 16 years old!" OOOOOOOOOOOH!

Jeana looks like she wants to slap Vicki into next Tuesday, and says "I thought we agreed not to go there." She then says to the camera, "shit on my kids and I will bitchslap you." I so wish she would have reached over and given Vicki a smack.

Oh, and here's a newsflash for you, Vicki: while you were out of town and Michael had that barbecue, HE HAD SEX ALL OVER YOUR HOUSE. With his girlfriend. Probably in your bed too.

Everyone moves to the bar and Vicki is all over some overgrown frat boy (who turns out to be a minion's husband) and saucily says, "my boobs keep wanting to come out and play!" as she tugs on her ubiquitous halter. She sits on his lap and kisses him on the lips several times. Jeana raises her eyebrows over this and tells the camera that she thinks it's inappropriate and uncomfortable. Agreed.

I totally wish I was standing next to Jeana in the bar so I could have leaned in and whispered "but her kids don't have sex in her house," and we would have giggled hysterically.

(Donn, you do not have to play the cuckold. My associates and I are in the process of establishing an underground network. We can protect you. Contact me for more information.)

6. Tamra's still upset about her mom and dad's divorce when she was 25. After not speaking to her dad for 15 years, they are back in touch and she is planning to visit him in Iowa for a heart-to-heart. Look for that super-private conversation to air next season!

Can someone tell me what label Simon is wearing all of the time? Juicy for men? (oops. I was making a joke, but it actually exists)

7. Jeana and Vicki are driving to Shane's game. Shane texts Jeana that he's not going to be playing and doesn't want her to come even though she's suffered through miles of traveling with Vicki. Jeana is texting him back and Shane's responses are like something out of a horror movie. Imagine the following text in that voice from Saw: "YOU WILL REGRET BRINGING THEM HERE. STAY THE FUCK AWAY FROM HERE." Holy shit. I think I just wet my pants.

Jeana's all, "aw! He's just embarrassed."

Before the game, Shane is signing autographs and when he sees Jeana, he says "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME," in front of the entire crowd (not to mention the tv camera).

Aw! He's his daddy's boy! (but in all honesty, it was mortifying.)

Vick tells the camera, "if that was my kid, I'd slap their face." Huh. That's interesting, Vicki, because I remember one time during season two (episode 208, to be exact) when you unexpectedly visited Michael at college and he treated you so badly that you retreated to a room to cry alone/get attention.

His girlfriend finally convinced you to come out, and instead of slapping Michael, you offered him a new car based upon some ridiculously easy conditions. Then you ended the night by doing kegstands with his friends.

Remember? You are in no position (literally) to be giving parenting advice.

*UPDATE: omg, I am so PISSED. Bravo revamped its website and the photos of Vicki crying and doing a kegstand are no longer on the site. I want to die. Andy Cohen, I am holding you responsible!*

Back to the game--Vicki and Colton get in a fight about Jeana ordering Dippin' Dots. Shane not only ends up playing but is the game's mvp.

They all go out to dinner, where Shane heaps more verbal abuse on Jeana who does nothing to stand up for herself. It's truly awful. Seriously, has there been a rash of unsolved murders in the area where Shane is living? He's scary.

8. Lynne has a cocktail party, and all of the housewives are invited. Vicki's the only one who doesn't show, allegedly due to a work function, which means she was probably driving around her neighborhood with her laptop and telling everyone how hard she works.

The party is in full swing, and am I crazy, or was Bravo was playing OPP in the background (at 1:48 in this video clip)? Raquel shows up with her buddies and they all grab a little drink.

Holla! Turns out Lynne is one of those "if they're going to drink, I'd rather they'd do it in my presence" type of moms. Jeana disagrees (although she doesn't say this to Lynne), and it is FINALLY her turn to judge. Jeana chats with the vacuous Raquel, and we find out all sorts of juicy info, such as Raquel went to a high school for kids with discipline problems (shocker), graduated in 2007, has no job and no plans to get a job or go to college. Meanwhile, Lynne's 15 year-old Alexa is in Vegas and Lynne hasn't heard from her in 2 days. Oh, Lynne. Girl, I don't even know what to say except that you might want to start saving money for rehab, lawyers, and unplanned grandbabies. Good luck.

Thoughts? Bring it.

"I'm not being mean, I'm really being helpful"

Oh gosh, Vicki, thanks for clearing that up. I had no idea that nonstop lecturing, shutting other people down, and death stares were "helpful." Personally, I would have classified it as "rude asshole." My mistake!

If you made it through this episode without having any sort of violent fantasy about Vicki, then please leave a comment to that effect and I will email the Pope, because you are a candidate for sainthood. More on that later. Recap time!

1. After the big build-up of the "TO BE CONTINUED..." Gretchen and Ryan drama, nothing happens. Dammit, Bravo! Such a tease. However, after they leave the bathroom, they reconvene on the patio where Ryan puts his arm around Gretchen's waist and is rewarded with a nice, solid feel of side-boob.

Tamra tells the camera that Ryan offered to drive Gretchen home, but that Tamra said no, that's a bad idea. Tamra, I don't understand you. You spend all night trying get Ryan some action and then you cockblock at the last minute? What the hell?

2. Jeana is depressed about the end of her marriage. To illustrate the point, Bravo shows Jeana's messy bedroom and how she is completely joyless when she flat-irons her hair. We also see her clutching her dogs and trying to get them to pay attention to her in front of the camera.

When she meets with her trainer, she looks like the living dead. He does some motivational speaking that seems to have no effect and then they go on a walk.

You know what? I think you're allowed to be sad when your marriage ends. Come in for a hug, Jeana. It will eventually all be okay.

3. It's Tamra's turn to host the neighborhood stay-at-home mom and kiddie pool party. Gretchen shows up,

and SURPRISE! Ryan does too!

Tamra says that Ryan was hoping to pick up where he left off. He did this by showing Gretchen his irresistable inner-lip "nugget" tattoo. Brilliant move. Didn't work.

Tamra tells the camera "I think Gretchen's envious of me and where I am in life" and ALSO, "she needs to stop partying and get serious." I totally agree. Everyone knows that being the sole caretaker of a terminally ill fiance is a neverending PAR-TAY! Gretchen needs to stop spending all of her time in the fun-factory that is ICU and grow up already.

Tamra introduces Gretchen to her friends. There's a lot of talk about fake boobs, and everyone has them except for Gretchen. Tamra is smug as she tells the camera that Gretchen had little bit of boob envy. Well, obviously! Who wouldn't want sun-damaged XXL tits of granite?

I'm being rather harsh, aren't I? I need to move on.

4. Vicki founded this networking group and she's getting an award for it at a party hosted by Jeana. Vicki tells the camera how everything she touches is gold and how society would collapse without her, etc. (not those exact words, but that was what she meant). Right when I am about to nod off, she receives her award and FALLS ON HER ASS.

My first thought was, that is so fucking awesome! My second thought was, did the force of the fall cause her shirt fall off? No, that's just Vicki wearing her age-inappropriate halter top. Jesus. She stays on the ground a little bit and milks it. Donn tries to be kind about it. Vicki eventually gets up and struts around with her award like it's the gd Nobel Peace Prize.

She might as well be screaming "PLEASE LOVE ME!"

Psych 101, people.

5. Lynne is taking a shot at being a jewelry designer. The name of her business is called Cuff Love, and she custom designs cuffs at her dining room table with a glue gun and a box of crap from Hobby Lobby.

We don't actually see the glue gun and the box of crap, but that was the whole feel of this scene. As I watched her glue things on, tear them off and then glue something else on the same cuff, I was guessing that it would cost her $3 tops to make one of these things, and that they would retail for $15 or so.

We soon learn that Lynne, with no background in jewelry design, sells these homemade cuffs for $225 - $375. ARE YOU KIDDING ME? What dumb motherfuckers are buying these?! Oh yeah, FRED SEGAL, as we find out later in the show. Speechless.

6. Jeana and Gretchen have lunch. Gretchen says that Jeff's ex-wife is causing trouble. Jeana says something like, "wow, couldn't you be a little easier on her?" and Gretchen says that she knows how to handle the situation because "this is the third ex-wife that's caused a problem." Jeana, confused, asks "how many ex-wives does Jeff have?" The answer? FIVE. FIVE EX-WIVES. Jeana burst out laughing. Not so fast, Jeana--Jeff is your new hero. He's gotten over 5 divorces, so why are you all sad about two?

7. The ladies take a limo to Fred Segal for some shopping. Vicki makes a big scene about WORKING and brings her laptop. "It's a waste of an hour if you're not working," she says, which translates to "I consider talking to all of you a waste of my time." Why doesn't someone call her on this bullshit?!

Vicki says that she's just so BUSY and needs an assistant in the limo! Lynne volunteers, and Vicki says dismissively, "I need someone who knows how to work." Cut to Lynne, who's being interviewed by the camera--she flips Vicki off for a full 5 seconds. TEAM LYNNE!

8. At Fred Segal, the housewives get the opportunity to design their own fragrance. In order to do that, everyone has to describe what kind of scents they like/dislike. Gretch says that she likes flirty and floral, Lynne says that she likes beachy and patchouli (not kidding) and do you know what Vicki says? "I'm a business woman." She's totally contrarian and hates everything she smells. omg, I want to THROTTLE her.

9. Gretchen and Jeana shop around a bit and check out some high end vibrators.

Gretchen sticks it in her ear. Kinky!

10. Everyone heads to the Viceroy (so beautiful) for lunch.

Discussion turns to Gretchen, and how she will support herself if Jeff dies. It's a moral issue, as in "is it okay to ask my dying fiance whether I will be taken care of when/if he dies." Vicki immediately launches into an insurance lecture, and things get heated because whenever anyone else tries to voice an opinion, Vicki interprets it as an attack on insurance. When Lynne mentions that it might not be sensitive to bring up money while the guy is on his deathbed, Vicki says "I'VE BEEN DOING THIS FOR 20 YEARS. STOP BEING CONFRONTATIONAL," with barely controlled rage.

Vicki, I know you won't listen to me either, but chill the fuck OUT. You sell insurance. It's not brain surgery. Life insurance beneficiaries get money--it does not take 20 years of owning an insurance agency to understand that. This really had nothing to do with insurance anyway; the issue was whether Gretchen should approach Jeff about money. You were trying to make Gretchen do what you wanted and when Lynne didn't agree, you flipped out. Everything about your behavior in this scene made me want to fly to Coto and give you a good smack in the head with your laptop.

If you disrespect Donn in the next episode (as was suggested by previews), SO HELP ME GOD, I will force you to ride in a limo with your friends and no wi-fi, which is apparently your worst nightmare.

Whew. I've been dying to get all of that out. Felt good.

Please discuss.

Andy Cohen interviews Andy Cohen

Andy Cohen may be a bigwig senior v.p. at Bravo, but we all know him as the dude who moderates all of the reunion shows. He has a blog that I always forget to read (because there's no option to subscribe--hint hint, Bravo), but when I do, I'm never disappointed. He says things like "dicking around" and references Madame the puppet

(which to be honest, incapacited me with disbelief/joy for a few moments) and is just generally gay and funny. Also, he doesn't delete the aggressively sexual comments such as "[I'd like] an Andy Cohen and Shane Keough sandwich with me in the middle" and "you are sexy, hairy, sexy, funny, and sexy." LOVE it. Why don't I get comments like that? Anyhow, after the shitstorm surrounding last week's episode of Real Housewives, he decided to post an interview with himself and address some burning issues. His answers are definitely worth reading. My reactions are in the brackets.

On the "Let's watch Gretchen get wasted and then trap her in a tiny room with horny Ryan" episode of Real Housewives:

AC: OK well judging by the overload of comments on your blog, the top story people are wondering about is what you call the "Disturbia in Suburbia". Have you spoken to any of the Housewives since that fateful episode?

AC: I spoke to Tamra's husband, Simon, the other day and I understand that she's pissed and feels that she was edited badly and not portrayed well. [Sounds like someone has been getting some dirty looks in the carpool lane!]

AC: And do you think that's a fair argument? Was she a victim of the editors?

AC: I don't love the "blame the editor" defense and don't see how it could be twisted that she said 3x that she wanted to get Gretchen drunk. [Amen, brother!] But the big point is that Gretchen is an adult and the idea that someone (Tamra) has the power to completely control her has no legitimacy. Tamra didn't force her to do a thing. I do think Tamra has a lot to get off her chest [namely, those ginormous implants] and she deserves to be heard, and the same goes for Gretchen. I am quite interested to hear what they both have to say at the reunion show. [Translation: I am terrified that Tamra's going to direct her rage at me, but it will be good tv]

On the spectacular assbomb that was Date my Ex:

AC: I would like for you to defend the Jo and Slade dating show. People keep commenting about it but you never respond to any of the posts. [Andy, I know you are speaking directly to me on this. No need to be coy, darling.]

AC: I don't think I need to "defend" it, Andy...

AC: Don't call me Andy.

AC: Anyway, I think that it was a cute, fun summer show and ultimately maybe it was too fluffy for Bravo or at least for Andy's Blog readers, who I know are discriminating customers. [Actually, Andy, it's because Jo and Slade are two of the most annoying, narcissistic d-bags I've ever seen. So transparent. I would rather staple my tongue to the floor than root for either one of them. Not cute, not fluffy, just "not watchable."]

And finally, on his own slightly crossed-eyes:

AC: Well, since you brought up the reunion shows, when are you going to get your crossed eyes fixed?

AC: Funny that you bring that up, Andy, because I just heard that there's a procedure to fix wandering eyes that is fairly simple.

AC: So, you're all set, huh??

AC: The issue is that this "simple" procedure involves their taking your eyeball out and zapping your eye muscles. And I am really freaked about someone taking out my eyeball and then putting it back.

AC: You're a cross-eyed wimp.

AC: I hate you.

You like him, right? Yes. You should subscribe to his blog! Oh wait. We can't. (Andy, feel free to email me with a job offer.)

The conclusion to "Disturbia in Suburbia" is on in moments! Let me know what you think.

"You might know this little guy here--Ryan!"

Why, yes, Tamra! I think I do remember the lad. Isn't he your perpetually unemployed fucktard son whom you affectionately refer to as a "man-whore"? The one you hired to bone Gretchen help tend bar at your formal party for the Housewives? Yes, I am familiar with him.

Many of you have washed your hands of Real Housewives of Orange County because this episode was offensive on so many levels, even by reality tv standards. To you I say, please avoid Rock of Love Bus; it's even worse, if you can imagine. I'm not even going to cover the events in the first 40 minutes of this week's RHOC, because really it was just filler leading up to the debacle that was Ryan and Gretchen (and Tamra). Well, maybe I'll cover 18 year old Raquel's drunken bowling, but only to illustrate the point that microphones do not magically turn off when you are engaging in monkey business in the bathroom--a lesson that would have been of benefit to Ryan and Gretchen as well.

To set the scene: Tamra takes an etiquette class because Simon is British (!) and thinks Tamra could use a little instruction. To practice her newly learned manners (oh, the IRONY), she decides to host a formal dinner party at her house, catered by Top Chef contestant Brian Malarkey (who, incidentally, is adorable--what's his story? Anyone?). Tamra asks for tequila to be incorporated into the menu because Sir Simon's new business venture has something to do with tequila.

Let me back up a bit. Through the first 40 minutes of the show, we see Gretchen really struggling with the emotional burden of her terminally ill fiance. He is has been in the hospital for a long stretch and recently told her that he doesn't want to live any more. She knows that it's not good for her to spend every waking moment at the hospital, but says that if she takes a break, she feels guilty which is made even worse by other people (TAMRA) judging her.

Economic Note: did you all catch a glimpse of Gretchen's fancy-pants pedicure? And those long-ass French manicures on everyone? Swear to God, nail salons in OC must be recession-proof.

Back to the party. Ryan has decided that he now wants to have a career as a bartender, so Tamra hires him for the night to be a "bartender's helper." Considering how much he talks about getting drunk and how much we see him getting drunk, I would expect Tamra to have a little more faith in his tequila-pouring abilities, but whatever. She knows him better than we do.

Everyone arrives. Doesn't this look like a happy crowd?

I think Vicki left her WOOHOO at home.

Dinner is served. One of my biggest pet peeves is when picky eaters make barf faces/noises when served food they don't like. Either eat it or don't, but don't make it a big fucking production, especially if you are at a party and ESPECIALLY if it is scallops prepared by a cutie-pie Top Chef dude.

I am so sorry, Donn. Truly. (Team Donn, please click HERE for a way to show your love and support. Many thanks to creative and hilarious Megan at BB8 for making this happen.)

Tamra makes a toast and gets teary-eyed as she says "I think of you all as family." Once again, Lynne stuns with a brilliant deadpan (stoned) comment to the camera: "I don't think she realized Frank and I were there." HA!

Simon asks Tamra to tell everyone what she has learned in manners class. Tamra talks about "Euro-peens" and demonstrates the Continental style of eating. Gretchen, who's already had a little too much alcohol, does a toungue-y XXX version of the Continental. She proceeds to make orgasm sounds and suggestive remarks at the table that cause everyone at the table to do a double-take. She announces that she hasn't gotten laid in 8 months. It's all rather inappropriate and full of FORESHADOWING.

Meanwhile, Tamra is conspiring with Vicki to get Gretchen even more drunk--"naked drunk," in fact, and "we're gonna try and make her do something stupid." Why? Tamra thinks that Gretchen is a phony and that the tequila will bring out her "dark side." Even though it's obvious that Gretchen is already hammered, Tamra is shouting "Gretchen needs another shot!" and there's this creepy wink-wink thing going on with Vicki and her. As all of this is going on, smarmy Ryan is all over Gretchen like white on rice, and she's drunk and starved for attention and flirting like crazy. We're all watching helplessly as Tamra's evil plan starts to unfold and Gretchen gets more and more out of control:

Not pretty. Check out Jeana's expression (and Tamra's).

And Lynne's:

Lynne tells the camera, "It was not good. I was worried for her." You know that when pothead Lynne's worried, there's a problem. Jeana looks very uncomfortable throughout and says "Gretchen didn't need much convincing" when it came to doing more shots, and that she is "very concerned because [Gretchen] had no control of her actions." (look at all of these quotes! I feel like I'm writing a term paper, for God's sake!)

The mutual flirting and touching escalate. OH SHIT.

Know what Vicki says to the camera? "What Ryan and Gretchen do is none of my business. If they want to hook up, I don't care." NICE. Thanks for reminding everyone why you are such a world-class bitch.

Then comes the clincher on the whole Tamra-is-the-devil issue. Lynne reports that she and Frank have offered to take Gretchen home, but Tamra declined on Gretchen's behalf, saying that Gretchen will spend the night at Tamra's (lair). OH SHIT again. Is there any question that Ryan and Gretchen's rooms will just happen to adjoin?

Next, Tamra tells the camera with barely disguised glee that she notices that Ryan and Gretchen have disappeared from the party. What a sick mofo.

Cut to a bathroom door where we hear Gretchen's slurred whisper "I am engaged to a very nice man" and "you totally turn me on." Totally edited, but still. Not good. Not good AT ALL. We are left with a "to be continued."

Nice work, Tamra. Way to take advantage of a woman in the midst of a personal tragedy and pimp out your son.
Let's discuss this. No doubt Tamra's behavior was deplorable, but what is Gretchen's responsibility in all of this? She's a big girl. Yes, she was vulnerable, but no one was forcing her to take those shots and nuzzle Ryan (icky). At some point, no matter how drunk and sad you are, don't you say to yourself "this is all being filmed and I'd better shape up before I ruin my life"?

Opinions, please.

What are you having for dinner?

Because I know what Gretchen's having.

A skeezy nugget, some tequila-flavored vomit, and an extra large helping of shame and regret.

Tune in tonight to watch it all go down (and then come back up!).