"I'm not gonna get over it. I'm over it."
Monday, February 15, 2010 
Wow, Lynne, that was quick! I have a feeling that in the short pause between the first sentence and the second, she completely forgot that she was supposed to be angry. Forget and forgive, that's what I always say.
The latest episode of Real Housewives of Orange County saw the ladies of Coto de Caza take their big-tittied show on the road--to San Francisco, the perfect place to spend loads of money when you're flat-ass broke. Here's your recap:
1. We pick up where we left off last week, with Lynne's daughter Raquel being served with the notice of eviction. She drops it to the floor and nasally moans, "is this real or am I dreaming because I am so fucking hung over?" Oh, it's real, Raquel. As real as your beer-scented sister sitting next to you. They both confusedly whine "what the fuck" at least 7 times and then Raquel calls Lynne. "What the fuck?" she demands of her mother while Alexa echoes the sentiment while keeping one eye on the tv. Raquel keeps her middle finger extended and in front of her face to discourage Bravo from using the footage. In my mind, I picture a Bravo producer reviewing this scene and narrowing his eyes, whispering "nice try, bitch, but not on my watch."
Lynne recounts her girls' "scared" reaction to the camera. She's feeling terribly guilty and embarrassed, and a few tears squeeze out of her eyes.
It's hard to keep a stiff upper lip, even when it is pumped with filler.
2. Lynne calls Frank for an explanation. She meets him at a park so as not to further upset her alcoholics. Oops, I mean daughters.
As Frank begins to talk, Lynne's unmoving face masks a storm of fury inside. We know this because she keeps interrupting with the ubiquitous "what the fuck!" in an angry voice. Frank owns up to everything, telling Lynne that they were in over their heads with that house in the first place, and that he failed to pay the deposit. He feels shame. Lynne's pissed because she had no clue about any of this, and Frank responds by telling her that she lives in a "microcosm" (translation: fantasy world) and has never wanted to hear the truth about their finances.
"What do you mean I don't want to face our money problems? I want to...WHOA, look at those wrinkles on my arms! I'm going to hit the plastic surgeon's office on the way home. Shouldn't be more than five grand."
There's a lot of gibberish in this conversation, such as Lynne exclaiming "don't victimize me!" several times. Huh? Then Lynne claims that if Frank would have just told her about the deposit, she would have paid it herself. With what? Cuffs covered in fake leather? Leftover money from the plastic surgery budget?
Lynne finally walks off, furious with Frank for not being upfront with her and frightened for the future. OR SO WE THINK.
3. Vicki returns home from a business meeting and upon seeing Briana, greets her like she would a puppy or an infant. "Hi pretty girl!" she coos to her 25 year old (or thereabouts) daughter. "How's my little princess?" Fucking crazy.
Briana sits Vicki down and tells her that the doctor has found some nodules on her thyroid that will need to be biopsied.
"Mom, stop! I'm trying to be serious but you keep tickling my neck and rubbing my belly."
Vicki's not sure she can fit that into her schedule--she works, you know--and Briana tells the camera with a nervous chuckle, "I might have cancer and all my mom thinks about is work." You best get your priorities straight, Vicki. Briana's your best kid by a long shot.
4. Needing some emotional support after her confrontation with Frank, Lynne does the only logical thing--she visits Tamra. Tamra! She tells an even more exaggerrated (false) story of her kids getting the eviction notice: "they threw the paper at Raquel! The girls were crying!" Tamra actually does a pretty decent job of consoling Lynne, who is now alluding to divorce. "I was divorced once," Tamra tells her. "You don't want to that that. You've got to stick it out." VERY REVEALING, eh?
Tamra has organized a girls' trip (for girls this time!) to San Francisco. She convinces Lynne to go, and Lynne agrees that it will be good for her to get away.
5. Alexis and Gretchen go out for dinner. Alexis orders a Skinnygirl margarita. "What's that?" Gretchen asks innocently. Oh, for the love of GOD! Gretchen, you just destroyed any credibility you had with me. Anyhow, they gossip about the San Francisco trip and bitch about Vicki--always time well-spent.
6. Vicki was apparently able to shift her schedule around and accompanies Briana to her biopsy. Vicki's scared because her even-keeled nurse daughter is scared, and this is the closest I will ever come to feeling sympathy for Vicki. She cries to the camera and I wish Daddy Donn was there to offer her some comfort.
7. Alexis walks into Jim's "office" at home where he is "working." She's wearing the uniform of all stay-at-home moms: bootyshorts and a very strained button-down shirt. Strained as in, when those buttons finally pop, they're going to spray the room like machine gun fire.
So guess what? Alexis doesn't want to go the San Francisco without Jim. She'll miss him too much! How on earth will she know what to eat or wear or do? How will he manage the children and two nannies on his own? Incredibly, Jim reassures her that she can go without him because 1) he's comfortable with the group of women she's going with and 2) he's fucking one of the nannies. Just kidding on that last one. I'm pretty sure it's both of the nannies. Alexis reluctantly agrees to go.
8. Vicki is in front of the camera with a laundry list of why she's not loving the idea of going on this trip: she's been the victim of an unprovoked "hatefest;" Simon is wrong and bad and Tamra is wrong and bad for taking his side; Alexis is self-centered; and Gretchen looks like a rats's ass. But she's going on the trip anyway, you know, to make amends. I do believe I snorted daintily at this part.
9. Everyone's boarding the plane to San Francisco! Things are a little tense as no one has seen Vicki since the debaucle at Lynne's housewarming party. Vicki eyes the group to see if any dudes decided to crash the trip this time. She tells the camera, "I keep thinking that smelly dork Jim will show up." God, me too! It's my recurring nightmare, that he will appear at the foot of my bed in the middle of the night. {shudder} Anyhow, they all manage to keep things light and the first-class flight (brought to you by Bravo!) is without drama.
10. Out for a fancy dinner in San Francisco, and everyone is dressed like a goddamn hooker. Why am I surprised? You can take the girls out of Orange County, but you can't take Orange County out of the girls.
We see Alexis take what looks to be four phone calls from Jim at the dinner table. Not short this-is-how-you-work-the-microwave type conversations, but I'm-trying-to-kill-a-little-time-here conversations. Vicki, of course, is visibly annoyed, and everyone else is raising eyebrows at each other. "It was a little bit rude," says Tamra. Oh, but it's only beginning!
The ladies know about Briana's health concerns and want Vicki to loosen up and DRANK. Alexis bizarrely force feeds her an olive garnish, and someone makes a comment about "they're coming out to play again!" Anyone with eyes can see that Vicki is LIVID and trying her best to suppress it.
Lynne, still needing some sympathy, tells her eviction story again, with even MORE embellishments. Vicki starts in on "as an owner of rental properties..." and the whole world presses MUTE. After that's over, we see Gretchen giving her foie gras rave reviews. Alexis wants to try some, and Gretchen obliges, not realizing that Alexis has the table manners of a three year old. But this soon becomes apparent as Alexis puts the foie gras into her mouth and then promptly, with much fanfare, heaves it into her napkin.
All that's left to do is shake her head violently and shriek "yucky!" but we don't see this because Vicki is now gagging at Alexis' gagging. Instead of apologizing and moving on, Alexis gets defensive. "I'm from Missouri!" she says, as if that explains everything. All you Missourians? You should want to punch her in the stomach right now.
Meanwhile, Alexis won't shut up. About the texture, about her gagging sensation, about her Missourian aversion to swallowing. I have a feeling Jim doesn't get many blowjobs. From Alexis, at least. Vicki continues to retch and I am sitting ramrod straight on my couch, muscles tensed, waiting for the chain reaction to start (I happen to be familiar with barfing chain reactions; HERE is just one example). It doesn't, despite Alexis' best efforts, and Gretchen, God love her, eats non-stop throughout Alexis' entire performance. Vicki sums it all up by saying, "[Alexis] is totally classless trash. I don't know why Alexis is even here." I don't either, but I'm glad she is. Very entertaining.
11. The ladies (and I use the word loosely) retire to the Bubble Lounge for some drinks. Briana meets them there, and it is all sparkles and boobs and bleached hair and unnaturally tanned skin. Alexis gets busy texting Jim while Tamra proposes a toast to Briana's health. Then, out of nowhere, Gretchen starts crying. My husband, who is watching with me, whispers "didn't her grandpa die of cancer?"
"Yes," I answer. "But her grandpa was actually her boyfriend."
Gretchen is sad because she doesn't want Briana to go through what grandpa had to go through. It turns into a chain reaction cry, which is highly preferable to the throwing up version.
12. It's the next day and time to shop. No money? No house? No problem! Lynne tries on a $1185 jacket and buys the fucker without hesitation. My eyes were bulging out of my head on this one. Insane.
"Lynne, what the hell are you doing?"
"No, it's okay! Look--my Magic 8 Ball app says 'outlook good.' "
13. The group stops for lunch. Vicki is texting and emailing at the table, and Alexis is troubled. She doesn't understand why Vicki thought it was rude of Alexis to text at dinner, when Vicki is guilty of the very same behavior. Vicki picks up on this and belligerantly asks Alexis if she has a problem. Alexis breaks off this long speech about how Vicki is so awesomely awesome with her business success. She ends with "I don't take issue with your work, but if you want to discuss Lynne's party, that's another issue." And just like that, Alexis pulls the ol' switcheroo on Vicki, who stops dead in her texting tracks so as to fully focus on the rage she is about to unleash.
Aaaaand CUT. It's to be continued from there. Honestly, I can't wait to see how Alexis handles her first tussle with Vicki.
Talk to me.
Reader Comments (52)
Lynne is so MENTAL!!!! She makes Paula Abdul look like the poster child for sober coherency! I feel so bad for her husband!
And Vicki is just an angry titanic bitch who thinks she can make the rules and then not play by them. I'm really over her.
Gretchen's hat was all flavors of wrong.
Poor Frank should leave that air head Lynn. I'm not sure why she would buy that 80's looking leather jacket when they've been served an eviction notice. Also maybe it's me but I don't think Lynn looks any different from before her face lift. Between the face lift and the nose job, there was the security deposit.
Totally loved your version of the Bravo chiefs showing the blurred middle finger anyway. It's spot on!
it's so funny that you mention Alexis probably not giving Jim bjs because my friend and I are totally convinced that she's on her knees every night.
I took notes during this shit, so I could post an accurate review. This is literally the review I typed as I was watching...
1. Of course Raquel is fucking hungover. Why wouldn't she be hungover? And why is she flicking off the camera? Is she trying to get them to stop filming? Lynne is drunk. Fun Fact: If you have paid the rent on time, you would not be evicted.
Lynne recounts her girls' "scared" reaction to the camera. She's feeling terribly guilty and embarrassed, and a few tears squeeze out of her eyes.
It's hard to keep a stiff upper lip, even when it is pumped with filler.
2. Lynne is still slurring in the park. Maybe she really has been drinking. Is Frank high? He's talking so slow and mellow. "It's no big deal, Lynne. We've been tight on money for a while now. Spending money we didn't have. No big deal..." (paraphrased) Then they get all "A Few Good Men": "You can't handle the truth." Is anything happening here even English? I will rewatch this scene drunk and see if it doesn't make more sense.
Sidenote: Lynne has cried a lot more with this new face than she ever did with her old one.
3. Can I say something here? Brianna has gotten big lately. (Whoops, maybe it's her thyroid. I am not a doctor, but I am an asshole...seriously I didn't know that's where this was going) I am still convinced she is going to smother her mother with a pillow. But I like her bangs. Hasn't she "just graduated from nursing school" for months and months now? This is some shady shit. But I don't want Brianna to be sick. She needs to stay well so she can team up with Donn to rebel against VGun. Bad news: the day her daughter is dealing with a biopsy, her mother has work. DAMNIT BRIANNA. YOU AND YOUR SELFISHNESS! VICKI IS THE ONLY ONE THAT WORKS.
4. Lynne goes to visit Tamra, the failed relationship guru. How can Frank afford a hotel and how can Lynne afford a trip to SanFran? Am I missing something? Is there a cash prize for getting evicted? This week's parenting tip from Lynne Curtain: When served with an eviction notice, it's best to bail out on your kids that you are convinced are traumatized and go on a vacation you can't afford.
5. Alexis and Gretchen go out for lunch? Or maybe it's dinner? Is this cross-marketing going on? SkinnyGirl margaritas? Will Jill be sporting "Cuff Love" this season? Jesus. Sometimes Bravo kills me. What does VGun being a bitch have to do with Alexis' convictions? How can Alexis go on this trip if she can't leave her kids? So many questions!
6. Fun fact: only nurses are scared when they find out they might have cancer. Not normal people. Because nurses know what could happen. Michael is too busy playing online poker to be concerned. I like that about him. I don't buy it when VGun gets all emotional. She is a robot and robots don't have feelings. $20 says if there were no cameras here that bitch would be in her office.
7. OMG. It's like Bravo is reading my mind. Alexis is worried about being away because her husband is old? Then why did she have kids with him if he is so old he is incapable of dealing with them? Isn't that why there are 2 nannies?
8. I like it when VGun calls people self-centered. She brings her own backup by inviting Brianna. But where is Brianna on the plane? Is she walking there? I thought Virgin Airlines (or whatever it is called) when out of business. SanFran is a "divergent" isn't English. I don't think I have ever seen all of these women in pants at the same time before. How come the other girls can't invite randoms but VGun can?
9. BRAVO! Again with the cross-marketing. Hubert Keller was either a judge on the show that I don't mention or on Masters or both. I hate it when people answer their phones at the table. HATE. But I don't make lame faces. Oh look, VGun is stealing the spotlight. I'm shocked! Unclassy is right. Now VGun is exploiting her daughter for attention.
10. Why is Gretchen crying? Have we figured out why she still wears her damn engagement ring? I'm shocked Slade hasn't forced her to pawn it to pay rent.
12. Time for shopping. Of course. Lynne is looking at a leather jacket that she doesn't need. She could have saved money by asking the plastic surgeon if she could keep some of her face instead. But she isn't resourceful like that. Did she just buy the jacket? Even the other OC ladies were all "WTF?"
13. Lunch time. I love that Alexis makes everyone's shit her business. VGun is PISSED. SHE IS THE ONLY ONE THAT WORKS. But still, I hate texting at the table. Rudeness. I am so excited to see how this plays out. I'm glad somebody finally called Vicki out.
Overall, this episode was boring and left me with lots of questions. Let's hope Slade doesn't propose this week. I can't handle that shit, although it might be worth it just to see VGun's head explode.
You forgot the part when Lynne finally decides to buy the jacket and calls over to Tamra (I think) "Hey, aren't you going to buy me my jacket?" (they discussed being the same size and sharing clothes) and Tamra is like, 'wtf?? no.'
I've only seen the first part so far. All I can say is vicki is nowhere near. Brianas thyriod in that picture. And briana had reason to be scared. The biopsy for my nods was more painful than the birth of my kid.
I hate typing on this phone.and andoh son of a bitch I'm not going back to fix it.
flawless summary, as usual.
My friend is a dj in Vegas and interviewed Gretchen Friday. I prodded him to ask her about the engagement ring (specifically WHY she's still wearing it) and she said it's currently at the jeweler's being sized for her right hand.
I had a LOT of other questions, but he pussed out and only asked about the ring...
Am I mistaken or was Frank texting the entire time he and Lynne were having their al fresco meeting? He was looking down all the time during their conversation, and when he stood up, he was looking at his phone. Checking his bank balance, or texting a girlfriend?
Remember that scene in the South Park movie where Cartman sings that song about Kyle's mom? "Weeeeeeeellllllllllllll, Briana's mom's a bitch/she's a big ol' bitch/she's the biggest bitch in the whole wide world....."
That's all I think when I see Vicki anymore. Bring on NYC!!!
Your blog just MAKES my day! And, I snort with laughter. Your recap is usually better than the episode itself! Bring on NYC!
SGM,
I thought that the Alexis traipsing into her goon of a husband's office was some sort of bizarre sexual fantasy those two have going on. You know the fantasy Alexis has been naughty in class and is sent to the principal's office and Principal Goon tells her to bend over for a spanking.
Sorry, SGM I was stoned again during this week's RHOC, it seems to be a pattern with me.
Muffy
Frank, poor Frank, trying to get Lynne to understand, and she doesn't, all she knows is that she is a strict parent, and can handle anything, she is more concerned about her daughters being scared??? Scared, did the eviction guy barge through the door screaming and yelling? Scared is losing the breaks on your car, scared is breaking curfew and coming home drunk.
That exchange between Lynne and Frank gives me an understanding of why they can't raise kids
Alexis, I don't understand her, she looks to have it all, even with a smarmy husband, but she always seems to be looking for an argument, and she doesn't care who its with, Vicky, the girl at the Tupperware party, Vicky. Alexis chill the f out, I expect her to start throwing punches. Jim letting her go because he is comfortable with this group of women? and because he knows that its being filmed so he can watch it later and tell Alexis what she did wrong. But, maybe he sees her spit stuff out of her mouth a lot so he won't be embarrassed too much. Wonder what she was texting to him during the meal???
Best part of the show Hubert Keller [sorry Sarah] I LOVE him
Why does she still wear her ring? Shit! Who wouldn't wear that thing-- it's effing huge! You think Slade's going to pony up with something half as good?
Vicki is in total denial about how she looks to other people because you KNOW she watches these shows over and over again (hence the late nights at the office) and totally fastforwards through everyone else's parts.
OMG!!! I am just watching The Eviction Episode now (thank you, thank you Bravo for starting the show off with it so that I can be free to switch to something else). Lynn is so dumb and sounds so stupid, Stop interrupting him! You are an idiot, so don't try to play Strong Woman here. (And hee hee, I love how she says, "...got in my car..." and went to the park-- that might NOT be your car, lady.) Yeah, I agree with my fellow viewers/SGM lovers, I like Frank. And whoever said he was looking at his phone the whole time is TOTALLY right. She is SOOOO lucky-- he didn't even call her out on her fake face costing them their home. And WTF about "our girls were just sitting there watching TV." Shouldn't those "bags of hair" be working or at school or something? Those girls were not traumatized. They don't even know what the word "eviction" means. Didn't you see how they threw the letter, unopened, on the ground? It's because they can't read it.
Vicki is now officially SUCH a bitch I can't stand her. Watching her camera ready reaction was painful. ("Okay, a caring, concerned mother would stoke her daughter's hair now. So... stroke Briana's hair. I've got work!!!!!!!! I mean, wait, I want people to think I have a heart besides being the sole person who works in this county. I. Will. Go. To. Biopsy. With.You. Of course I will. I. Am. Your. Mother. Was that good? Okay, get this scene over with. I gotta go work.")
SGM......once again, you make me snort my drink out thru my nose. Have I told you lately how much I love you? ;)
I always enjoy your recaps - they are usually spot on and make me laugh so hard - I wish I had your writing ability. Gotta say - Vicky bugged me last season because I never saw her as catty (however, the hell you spell it - grammar is not my forte). This season I love her - i would like her even more without all her comments because the rest of the girls would bury themselves without her even saying a thing. Tamera was cool the first season and it's been a slippery slope since with her bitchy, negative, catty behavior. Alexis - loved her in the beginning but this behaviour with her husband is enough to make me slit my wrists. i get it. I've been a working woman since sixteen - I get being in love with your husband - but give me a F'n break. Someone made the comment the husbands were so Ed Hardy - it's an understatement. I love Don this season and can't wait to see what future posts you have...they always make me giggle and they are the first thing I read. Cant wait for NY.
Your recaps are better that the goddamn show.
This show makes me barf, but I love it SO much.
Vicki needs a facelift.
OMG. Loved this line:
"In my mind, I picture a Bravo producer reviewing this scene and narrowing his eyes, whispering "nice try, bitch, but not on my watch."
Ugh...those girls! They need "Boot Camp to get the asshole out of you". Looks like everyone is agreement that Lynn was making it sound like her toddler daughters were served and that the processor told them that Santa didn't exist for good measure. Lame.
I'm no beauty queen but is it me or is the older nose job one just plain fugly? She needs to ease up on those cocktails because the puffyness is not working.
I'm so mean right now - feels good to get it out.
And the flipping off the cameras...classy.
That's really all that struck me...the almost throwing up at the restaurant was pretty entertaining. But was anyone else annoyed with the background convo?
i don't know...i'm feeling compassion for vickie. after all, her show has been completely over run with dip shits.
when lynn went ahead and bought the jacket i was thinking "there you go addict. keep looking for your high."
alexis is repulsive. when she kept talking about the texture of the foi gras, and how it reminded her of something unmentionable, she was talking about semen, right? shocking because like a previous commenter, i assumed she was sucking dick every night to keep her man satisfied.
gretchen is okay but she is with slade. guilt by association. PAY YOUR CHILD SUPPORT ASSHOLE.
and tamra, who i used to despise is seeming like the most calm of the bunch? i think divorce and the loss of all that $$$ is making her much more likable.
dear god, make it stop.
Everyone is likin' Frank but I don't think he is Mr. Innocent. The only reason he gets away with being so irresponsible is that he married someone really super dumb. They are a match made in heaven, actually. I predict a 50 year anniversary party.
Something phony about Lynne's behavior in the park. I felt like I was watching bad high school drama-club improv. Like she had been coached by Bravo producers to "show outrage."
Not sure how to ask this with any dignity, but: Whose semen has the texture of foie gras?
"Not sure how to ask this with any dignity, but: Whose semen has the texture of foie gras?"
Don't know, but they better see a doctor immediately.
vicki is Ms. Piggy in human form. I love the entertainment value she brings to the show. I keep hearing her say lines like " I work" and "I don't see anyone else going to work" or "Brianna I'll have to see if I can fit your biopsy into my schedlue" in Miss Piggy's voice!