"The fun is gone."
Monday, February 22, 2010 
You're just now noticing this, Vicki? Fun ditched this show a long time ago, honey. But do you see us angrily sliding out of restaurant booths and declaring "I'm out"? Do we stand outside, crying reptilian tears, waiting to be coddled and cajoled into coming back? No. We fucking man-up and WE WATCH THE DAMN SHOW. If you think it's not fun for you, the person getting paid for this nonsense, think about how it feels to be us, okay? Then you come back and talk about fun.
While Fun may be gone, Drama and Histrionics showed up for work right on time and delivered a thrilling fight. Those two keep this show afloat. Here's your Real Housewives of Orange County recap:
1. The argument that began in the last episode continues. Alexis is in the middle of lecturing Vicki, telling her that she should take responsibility for her rude behavior. "I am. You too," says Vicki, giving Alexis the most chilling smile I have seen outside of Hannibal Lecter. Gretchen and Tamra bravely speak up and admit that Vicki offends them too. Vicki goes into "FINE. FINE!" mode, not listening to a word anyone is saying. Tamra tells the camera that she wishes Vicki would stop playing the victim and defend herself. "Yes!" I hiss from the couch, fists clenched. Don't just sit there buzzing with anger and indignation, Vicki! If you think you did nothing wrong, fight back!
She has the perfect opportunity when Alexis says to her, "out of the five girls [sic] here, four of us say that you say things that are offensive sometimes." Vicki stabs her salad murderously and says "what is this, gang up on Vicki day? STOP." But does Alexis do as she is told? No, because in her mind, Vicki is an aging Goliath with jowls and Alexis is David with 800 cc implants. "Just take responsibility," she tells Vicki.
"This is not happening," Vicki says, BUT YET IT IS.
"I'm trying to help you," Alexis insists.
"You don't need to help me. I'M GOOD," Vicki answers with a withering look and you know what? Vicki scares the bejesus out of me. But not Alexis, who is used to dealing with stubborn assholes. She persists, and Vicki is in the process of LOSING IT. Let me show you:
EEK! Meanwhile, look who's trying to supress a smile:
Ha! Then Vicki does what she does best when she loses control of a situation--she bails. "I'm out," she says, as she nudges Briana out of the booth.
She makes her way outside, water in hand, where she cries and waits to be mollified. Briana stands up and defends Vicki in a I-know-my-mom's-a-bitch-but-we-were-having-a-nice-lunch-here kind of way. Briana and Tamra are the first to go fetch Vicki while Alexis inexplicably calls out to them "tell her we love her."
Outside, Briana manages to calm Vicki down. What would we do without Briana? You know Michael, her other kid, would still be at the table eating his lunch and saying "ladies, you're preaching to the choir. Any of you interested in a little game of cards?"
Unsurprisingly, everyone makes their way outside to either participate in or watch the rest of the fight. Alexis, while at first conciliatory, soon scolds Vicki thusly: "you've said a lot of naughty things to me that aren't very fun." Oh, how I hooted at this! Naughty naughty Vicki!
Meanwhile, Lynne's in the background saying "what? What was said you guys?" I am suddenly envisioning what it must have been like to sit next to Lynne in high school. Torture.
Alexis comes back to the "you don't work" comment that Vicki made at Lynne's housewarming. "You don't!" Vicki yells, "OWN IT!" To the camera, Vicki mentions the two nannies. Score one for Vicki.
Lynne: "So wait, are we still fighting about me not being strict enough with my girls?"
Alexis tries to explain that Vicki insulted everyone who was there, and Vicki denies. At this point, Alexis couldn't get her to admit that the sky is blue. Vicki heads for their limo and laments "the fun is gone" to GRETCHEN, of all people. Vicki tells the camera that what Alexis did is "unforgivable."
As Barb commented, "Poor Vicki; you're either with her or against her." For the record, I am against her. But I did like her jacket and her necklace.
2. After a commerical, Tamra and Alexis are waiting inside at the table, and Lynne, Gretchen and Briana coax Vicki back inside. Strange bedfellows INDEED.
Alexis apologizes and we hear, but do not see, the tiniest, quietest apology from Vicki. Briana's all "HELLO! I have this crap all over my neck and I'm the calmest one here!" So Alexis announces that she wants to pray for Briana and requests that everyone holds hands.
At this point, I'm thinking, "that's a nice gesture." While I'm not particularly religious, I am always touched when people say they'll pray for me. I really believe it's a lovely and kind thing to do. But what Alexis does is, uh, weird and long and more weird. Alexis prays about parting the red sea and feeding the masses and everyone feels like Lynne is looking (i.e. "wtf is going on here?"):
Na's comment sums up my feelings on the matter:
And Alexis' prayer...'I want to pray over you' 'Father God I lift Briana up to you'. Poor Briana, that prayer alone convinced God to give her cancer.
I'm down with Jesus and everything, but there are few things I dislike more than a showboat christian.
YES. (FYI, I am integrating comments because it was either that or plagiarize. Y'all are a clever group and I'm writing this late at night.)
After the prayer, Vicki says that the damage is done and Alexis is dead to her (basically).
3. At home, Tamra debriefs Simon on the San Francisco trip. He subtly insults her and tells her to stop hanging out with the other Housewives. Right, because what the two of you need right now is one less paycheck. SIGH. The stank of divorce is in the air, and I'm finding Tamra to be more likable.
4. I will not bore you with the details of Slade and Gretchen's trip to Palm Springs. All you need to know is that they all stayed in a Merv Griffin museum instead of a hotel and that Gretchen's mom Brenda is wary of Slade. Oh, and Brenda wears a glittery visor and a banana clip. Endearing to no end. Why can't Briana have a Brenda?
5. Frank is packing up the Curtin household and being pathetic. Did anyone else notice that, unless Frank is a professional packer, they obviously hired movers? That's not cheap. I would have loved to see a Uhaul pull up with Donn, Jim and Andy Cohen in wifebeaters ready to help.
6. No results from Briana's biopsy. Vicki wants to call and say "I'M HER MOTHER; GIVE ME THOSE RESULTS NOW!" but Briana says no. How totally exhausting it would be to have Vicki as your mother.
7. Tamra invites Vicki on a walk to resolve what happened in San Francisco and The Simon Issue. Vicki immediately launches into Tamra about how she doesn't defend Vicki. Re Lynne's housewarming, Vicki says "I heard it was a hatefest after I left. I would expect you to stand up for me." Who ratted everyone out like that? Andy Cohen? I do wonder.
Tamra is upfront with Vicki, telling her that when it comes to Simon, she has to side with him. When it comes to those other bitches, though, she says she's not going to stand by and listen to them rip Vicki apart (even though she did). Tamra feels caught in the middle of Vicki and the world. Nothing is resolved.
Did you see Vicki drop that f-bomb? Bravo immediately cut to Tamra's 4 year old daughter in the stroller. Nice one, Vick.
8. Alexis and Jim are having a date night. Jim's just generally being an a-hole and announces to the world how retarded Alexis is because she thinks "surf n' turf" (what Jim ordered) means lobster and steak. "Absolutely NOT" he chuckles haughtily and then defers to the waiter to have him explain, I suspect because he sees an opportunity to ridicule someone else. Let us turn to Virgie's comment for the answer:
Depending on which source you use surf and turf is defined as: Surf and turf or Surf 'n' Turf is a main course particularly common in British/Irish pubs and North American steakhouses which combines steak and seafood, typically lobster, Dublin Bay prawn, or shrimp, which may be grilled or breaded and fried.
Or
Vaginal and anal intercourse, whether sequentially by one person or simultaneously by two. Surf is for the shrimpy front, turf is the for the soil and fertilizer in the rear.
Wonder which Jim was referring to.
I think we all know the answer to that.
"Admit it," Jim demands, trying to act like it's a joke. "Admit you don't know what surf n' turf is!"
Alexis, I know that "divorce is not an option" is your marital mantra but psssst, it is.
9. Alexis and Jim invite their pastor and his wife over for breakfast because Alexis is allegedly feeling guilty about how she treated Vicki in San Francisco. Jentezen (the pastor) and Cherise (the wife) clearly don't know who the fuck these two are, but seem up for a little camera time. After some niceties, Jim asks how they deal with the pressure of being held to such high standards of behavior. Actually, it's more of a rhetorical question since Jim already knows all of the answers. Jim muses on the fact that because he calls himself Christian, people feel they can judge him by how he dresses, and by his wife's breast size and WHAT?! Did he just tacitly ask the pastor to approve his Ed Hardy wardrobe and Alexis' gigantor boobs?
Yes, I believe he did. The pastor, who has the best evangelical accent you could ever hope for, is unruffled and tells Alexis she doesn't have to dress like a nun, and that God can use her beauty to reach people He wouldn't normally reach. Cue the anon who commented "the minister should have then said to Jim: 'And God wants you to be fat-faced and unlikeable.'"
Anyhow, I think the pastor needs to be a little more specific with these two, as in "don't dress like you're auditioning for Busty Anal Cougars Part 4."
10. Lynne and Alexa visit Frank at his hotel to hash things out Curtin-style, which means using meaningless cliches and saying "what the hell?" a lot. Frank is meek and almost cowering as he answers the door and murmurs "hi girls. You look pretty. You look pretty too." You know you're in a bad place emotionally when you're afraid of Lynne. Alexa whines and cries, and Lynne says things like "this has been like a near death experience for me" and "I just want my dog to have a home." Do they even have a dog? Then Frank, financial expert that he is, announces "I feel a real family vacation coming on!" Lynne is obviously thinking "YES! Awesome idea!" but Alexa snaps everyone back to reality by calling bullshit, WE DON'T HAVE ANY MONEY you stupid motherfuckers.
Frank promises that everything will be okay. "This is our year!" he says after the vacation suggestion doesn't go over so well. How have Lynne and Frank survived all these years? I'm not talking about their marriage, but about how they manage to stay alive from day to day without accidentally killing themselves. Forget about parting the Red Sea, Lynne and Frank are the real miracles.
That's the show. If you don't have cable, you can watch the full episode here. Next Thursday, Briana gets the results of her biopsy, Vicki is a no-show at Tamra's birthday party and Lynne contemplates divorce.
What do you think? Did Jeana take the fun with her when she left, or has it been gone for awhile? Speak up.
Reader Comments (61)
I wish Alexis had paused during her prayer and then attempted to literally lift Briana up to Father God.
alexis using the words "father god" was so phony. she deserves to be surfed and turfed every single night.
thank you for making me laugh out loud, sgm.
Your recaps are the best SGM! I think the fun has been gone for past three seasons. It's painful to watch now I am actually fast forwarding scenes because I can't take it anymore.
How sketchy is Slade looking these days? I used to adore him with Jo now he's just a frigging joke. Gretchen's Mother bitch slaps him with a stare! Love it! When Gretchen said to her Mom why don't you move closer to Slade and she said, "Nah, I'm good!" BITCH SLAP! LOL Love her glitter and all!
Alexis should believe in divorce she was married once before! And if you look on the 'net it wasn't a pretty divorce!
I really can't wait for NY to come back on these bitches are draining!
Have a good day everyone!
I love your witty commentary and summaries, please continue to wrie them! Most of the time they're usually better than the actual episode. Can't wait for New York!
Here's what I think: omg I can't stop laughing after reading all that.
"Preacherman" also preaches at a church here in my country ass neck of the woods (Gainesville, GA) to say that the shit is hitting the fan is an understatement. These Southern folk are PISSED he went on this show. He preaches here on Sunday morning, to MASSES, and then gets on his private yet and flies to the OC. He's a Georgia boy, that's why his accent is so good. :)
I am not necessarily a Vicki fan, but I found it inexcusable to attack her in front of her daughter, and to speak for all the other women present. Bravo must have edited out the part of the afternoon where the other women nominated Alexis their spokesperson.
I loved Gretchen's mom - not only her attitude toward Slade but also her bands on top of the visor!
I missed this when it originally aired, so I am watching on bravotv.com at work. You're welcome in advance.
1. VGun needs to chill. If she's going to talk shit, she needs to take it. The amazing part is that she really believes that she hasn't been a hypocrite. Gretchen needs to stop with the dumb hats. Or is it the same one as before? But damn Brianna. She just wants everyone to know she has cancer and is a nurse. Without a doubt, she is her mother's daughter. At least she tried to call her mother out and be like "nope, not the bigger person." The sad part in this whole thing, is that Alexis actually seems rational. She called VGun out and now she is panicked. I once cornered a raccoon under my college boyfriend's car and it did the same thing (but I think it had rabies). Look, I know cancer is a big deal and I'm not trying to make light of it, but shut up about the damn tumors in your neck. Also, mother-of-the-year Vicki maybe shouldn't tell people that they should be at home with their children (I think we all remember the whole cancer vs. agents in town debacle).
2. Praying at the table. I can't handle this. Does this remind anyone else of Talladega Nights? "Dear Lord baby Jesus, lyin' there in your ghost manger, just lookin' at your Baby Einstein developmental videos, learnin' 'bout shapes and colors..." Brianna is about to laugh. Tamra is right about the dysfunction. Lynne is clearly confused by this prayer nonsense.
3. Simon is on the couch in a shirt with a monkey on it and he's rolling his eyes at the ridiculousness of the lunch. I would like to take a moment to say: "Simon, you are an adult and there is a monkey with a bandana and a mustache on your shirt. Maybe we should not pass judgment on others." Go back and rewatch this scene. Can you find the tattoo on Tamra's finger? I can't see it. More lies and deception by Bravo.
4. Again with the hats, Gretchen. Enough. Why did her parent's rent this place out? How many people are in their family that they need this for a weekend? Is this guy answering the door the house boy? Wait. Why would Slade be worried about meeting her mother if he already met her? Or was she asking if he was just nervous to see theme again? Damn you, Bravo, and your subtle nuances.
5. My heart hurts for Frank. I know he fucked up. But he seems sad. Did you see that he packed the captain's hat? At least he has his priorities straight.
6. WE DON'T KNOW IF SHE HAS CANCER. STOP SAYING SHE HAS CANCER. TOO DRAMATIC. Thank God Brianna is all "what do you mean, we? Do you have a mouse in your pocket?" (paraphrased) VGun: "We are connected in our souls." Bri (I'm sick of typing her damn name) needs to stop wearing these tops in her interviews. Not flattering. "WAH WAH WAH FEEL SORRY FOR ME TUMORS WAH WAH TUMORS WAH WAH I'M A NURSE" (paraphrased from her interview) VGun needs to wear makeup on camera. Thank you Bri: "NO MOM YOU DON'T NEED TO CALL." Waiting for the results is not "earth shattering." That isn't English.
7. They brought cycling gear for a weekend trip. As Slade starts talking the dad is getting nervous. Really nervous. I don't blame him. Way to deflect, Dad, and put it all on Mom. Knowing Bravo, Slade just wants to ask some stupid question like if he can come to Christmas. WTF is Gretchen wearing to make breakfast. Unacceptable. I'm pretty sure that's not sanitary. Her mother is wearing a banana clip. I can't take any of this seriously. Her mother is about to back hand her if she doesn't shut her mouth about Slade. Good for you, Mom. They can't really be talking marriage, can they? She still has a shrine up to her dead fiance.
8. I'm not a mother, so what the hell do I know, but isn't Tamra's kid a little big to be in a stroller. No wonder she's struggling to get up the hill. How can Vicki be out in public right now. SHE IS THE ONLY ONE WHO WORKS. And it is daylight out. I thought work was why she could only hang out at night. VGun has HUGE boobs. I can't concentrate. The 4 year old looks like she's about to jump off the cliff. Vicki is always so innocent. Gretchen has yoga pants with sparkle pockets. VGun keeps saying she doesn't want to force it but SHE KEEPS FORCING IT.
9. DATE NIGHT. If I were a waiter serving Jim, I would poison him. He treats everyone like they are so beneath him. "Do you know what surf & turf is? Of course you don't because you are a stupid woman! Even the help knows what surf and turf is and he is a Guatemalan!"
10. Breakfast with the pastor. That's a slutty outfit for breakfast as a Godly person. I give her credit though, she made granola and yogurt for breakfast. I don't cook so I appreciate this. If there is a pastor there, why is Jim praying? I don't go to H&R Block so they can watch me do my taxes. Breakfast is too early for breast talk. Holy uncomfortableness. After this breakfast, I aspire to not let my immense beauty hold me back anymore. It's a gift, damnit. Damn, this pastor is a mind reader! He knew about SanFran.
11. If I was Gretchen's mother, I would slap Slade in his face. Shut your hole, Slade. Unnecessary. Want to know how to impress parents? Don't be a dick. Gretchen's mother needs to get the hell away from these people. Does her father moonlight as Crocodile Dundee or are bad hats genetic? Is anyone else distracted by her OLD ENGAGEMENT RING ON HER RING FINGER during all of this? Gretchen has been married before? Why didn't I know this?
12. Cussing about your husband/father in the elevator on the way to see him so he can apologize isn't very classy. This seems like a pretty good hotel for someone that just got foreclosed on. What is Raquel doing that she is unavailable? Poor Frank is nervous. I still feel bad for him. Poor Lynne and her new face just wants her dog at home. If you knew all along you were living beyond your means, why as an adult and a partner in this relationship would you let it go on. This stupidity is beyond me. And actually, it was nothing like a "near-death experience." OC high schools really need to work on English and maybe have an elective class in analogies or word usage. I'm pretty sure it's really not appropriate to be having this conversation in front of your daughter. I hope Alexa's eyeballs roll out of her skull. I don't think the constant moving is what has made these people insecure.
Also, to answer your question, Lynne and Frank do have a dog. The dog was the one that Frank referred to as "the favorite daughter" a few episodes ago. But by now, the dog could have been sold to fund arm Botox.
Not getting a "Feel sorry for me!" vibe from Briana. I think her point was: When you're a nurse and you see cancer treatment first-hand, you have a very detailed idea of what a cancer diagnosis means.
SGM,
I think the one flaw in your recap was that you inaccurately hypothetically quoted Michael. You know Michael has watched the other seasons and saw how Gretchen was all over Tamara's son. Plus I like to speculate that during the sleep over episode when Vicky leads everyone up into his room and find him with his shirt off and the lap top going that he was rubbing one out while he looked at Gretchen's x rated pictures. Thus, I think he would have said "Ladies you are preaching to the choir. Any of you up for a little game of strip poker?"
Love,
Frank
All I know is that I was just laughing out loud at the surf & turf alternate description and my 3 1/2 year old asked me what was making me laugh. Needless to say I just answered that it was something I was reading.
Maybe Lynne had a "near-depth" experience! LOL Nah...
I can't take one more minute of Vicki. She is so not self-aware. How did she raise such a great kid? I don't think I can watch any more except now I have to find out if Martha Stewart is really Gretchen's mom.
Still wiping away the tears from laughing so hard. I would love to see The Real Housewives of DC....any inside info on Bravo planning that one? Until then...looking forward to NYC and the relaxing vacuum that is Kelly.
check out http://www.awfulplasticsurgery.com/2010/02/22/wow-alexis-bellino-had-the-total-face-makeover/
Pics of Alexis and her first husband and before her plastic surgery!
Uhgggg... the WHOLE thing has gotten so "Jerry Springer" ugly I can't even believe it. Seriously. We are one boozy sware' away from a full on chair throwin' brawl. And don't EVEN get me started on the Bravo blogs. It's all plugs! My book, my skincare, my tacky offices-turned-hotel. I know this O.C. poison has gotten to me as I can now watch Dr. Drew's Celebrity Rehab without even flinching. I feel dirty. Polluted and dirty.
I'm confused. Why is it that Sarah recaps episodes of RHOC on your blog?
Isn't the recap the sole purpose of SGM?
Thank you for sharing your wit with us SGM!
I fear RHONYC b/c I don't want Bethanny and Jill to break UP. But Bethanny is kind of being a jerk of late.
But...Lynne and those daughters. They so kill me. My mama would have kicked my ass if I tried for one moment to treat my father like that. Of course, my parents aren't idiots. They put the fear of "Jesus God" aka "little baby Jesus in your manager" in me so I didn't talk back, get drunk or get pregnant in high school.
Are we surprised Lynne's daughters haven't gotten knocked up yet?
What the hell is up with Raquel? If girl is still lovin' the happy juice she needs to hit up the bowling alley again,forget the sawdust crafty fest for chrissakes. Thanks SGM.
I have to agree with P from the D.
I agree with P from the D too. I realize Vicki is a hypocrite and Alexis is calling her out but she doesn't work and she barely knows Vicki, or maybe it's because she's so dumb hearing her voice makes my teeth hurt.
I wish Beth and JZ didn't break up.
Like many, our house has become a victim of the recession. Both my husband and myself are currently without work. We are not losing our home, our children are still attending school, and we will get through this. That said, I feel guilty if I buy a paperback book at Target knowing I can get the same thing for free at the library. We haven't bought any new clothes since we lost our jobs, let alone a $1200 leather jacket. Vacations are not something we even talk about. Our college age children have found jobs at school to help us with their college expenses. Let me tell you - if either of our children ever spoke to us the way Alexa and Raquel speak to their parents, I would bitch slap them immediately and they would be out on their own. What is the difference between our family and the Curtins? We are parents. I am not quite sure what they are.
Tamra needs to sell the jogging stroller since her daughter outgrew it 2 years earlier.
After "3," Busty Anal Cougars 4 was disappointing. They were just phoning it in.
Didn't Vicki challenge Alex to "bring it" or whatever? She's the classic bully and I wish that she and Neigh Neigh would throw down.
I caught just enough of this episode to make a note, "sunscreen is your best friend" before clicking away. Your recaps should be read aloud on the reunion shows so get on that, would ya?