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    Wednesday
    Dec092009

    I think this picture says it all

    Oh Kevin, my hairy little ginger dumpling, I want to EAT YOU UP with a knife and fork.  Mmmm, I think he would taste like the finest thick cut bacon, all fatty and crispy!  But the brothers.  Oh, I cannot deny my attraction to the brothers.  As Kevin says in this clip from the Top Chef finale tonight, "the brothers are going to fucking bring it." 

    It's going to be so good.  SO GOOD.  Tonight's show is worth watching, even if you've never watched an episode of Top Chef in your life.  Trust me on this.

    (Who the hell is Toby trying to fool, by the way?  Get out of the picture, Toby!  Theory:  Toby feels emasculated by his name and tries to overcompensate by acting too cool for school.  Discuss.)

     

     Speaking of brothers, please watch Kim Zolciak's cringe-inducing performance on Ellen here

    Notice how the dancers are not only dressed like cat burglars, but for the most part they cleverly manage to stay in the shadows so that they cannot be identified.  I can guarantee you they're not putting this performance on their resume.

    Tuesday
    Dec082009

    A day in the life of Kelly

    Real Housewives of New York City cast member Kelly Bensimon was recently in Miami Beach to attend Art Basel and my spies tell me this is how it went down:

    "Hi!  Hiiiiiiiiii!  Howareyou?  Ambassador of Denim coming through!  Cute!  Where am I again?"

     

    "Wait--I think I hear the ocean.  Oh my God you guys, when I hold my hand up like this, I hear the actual ocean.  So adorable."

     

    "Like, I am a mom and a rully rully private person, and that's why I'm only showing you part of my nipple."

     

    "Like, see how private I am?  I am doing these bikini cartwheels not because I want attention, but because I am rully rully authentic and amazing."

     

    "Wow, like, seriously, where am I?"

     

     "Wooo, what were those called again?  Fatgirl martinis?  Fun!  I've been working since I'm 15, so I think it's so cute for Bethenny to start all of this at her age." 

     

    Kim Zolciak is (allegedly) performing on Ellen today.  Don't worry, I'm on the case and will report back tomorrow. 

    Also, we need to talk.  NO, you're not in trouble, but we do have important matters to discuss.  Stay tuned, lovers.

    Saturday
    Dec052009

    This one's for my new lover

    This badass motherfucker is Jenny, the writer of one of my all-time favorite blogs, My Favorite and My Best.

    On the off-chance you've been living under Alexis Bellino's 7 carat rock and have never heard of her, this is Jenny in a nutshell:

    1.  Wickedly funny.  See here, here, and well, pretty much every post she's ever written.  Even when you see the rare item that's primarily filled with photos of gorgeous interiors, you'll get to the end of the post and be treated to something like this

    Bitch STILL gets the laugh in. 

    2. Her mouth is dirtier than Amy Winehouse's underwear after a 5 day coke bender.  Creative and unique cursing, particularly in the context of interior design, is her forte.  It's delightful.

    3.  She dismissed this hunka-hunka celebrity architect John Gidding in a "who the hell are you?" way when reviewing HGTV's Design Star

    and he hired her.  Did you hear me?  HE HIRED HER!

    4.  Sweet husband and cutie-pie daughter.  I will leave it at that because if I gave you the details, you might start to hate her.

    5.  Big boobs.  OH MY GOD, I want to hate her too, but it's impossible.

     

    Why am I telling you all of this?  Because Jenny's celebrating her 40th birthday today.  Happy Birthday, Jenny!   Hope you have a spectacular day.

    Friday
    Dec042009

    Updates

    1.  Worlds collide:  Kelly Cutrone is coming to Bravo.

    2.  Anyone watch Launch My Line?  I tried (gave it a good solid 2 minutes) but ... no comprende.  What did you think?

    3.  Top Chef.  I won't spoil it for anyone, but please feel free to spill your guts in the comments.

    4.  RHOC.  Saw about 10 minutes of it last night.  This Thursday night time slot is not working for me.  But guess what?   I now like Gretchen and Slade.  I KNOW.  Who's with me?  Anyone?

    5.  Andy Cohen gives the BEST quotes:

    "I am writing this from a train rolling through Rhode Island en route back home. I love a train. Nene loves a crawl, and I love a train...."  !!!!!

    I think Andy is much smarter than we give him credit for.

    (Andy portrait by the lovely and talented goryango.com.)

     

    Saturday
    Nov282009

    Sayonara, suckers!

    Check out what I just received in my inbox:

    I'm guessing it was my work with Jeff and Ryan from Flipping Out that convinced the Major Production Company that I would be perfect for this role.  Not only did I counsel them through difficult times via this blog, but I offered many unconventional methods (e.g. therapuetic hugs and naked massage) in the course of their treatment.  I have no doubt that I'm qualified in this area.

    The tricky part is the lesbian or rather, Lesbian, requirement.  I have to wonder, why does the Major Production Company think I am a Lesbian?  Did it somehow see pictures of my flannel and Birkenstock phase in college? Has it misinterpreted my envy of Salma Hayek's chi-chis?

    Who knows, but I am planning to list some of you as references so I'd appreciate it if you kept my marriage to Frank on the down-low.  I think I can fake the Lesbian part, unless the Major Production Company asks me to have sex with a woman-who-is-not-Salma-Hayek in front of them.  But I'm pretty sure that would be illegal.  Are there any lawyers out there who could advise me on this?

    Once I am formally cast, it is my guess that I will be too busy to blog, or to even acknowledge you.  Such is the life of a reality star, and I know you understand.  In fact, I suspect the next time you see me will be when my girlfriend and I are cuddling beneath a (faux) fur throw on the cover of UsWeekly.  It's exciting, isn't it?!  I wish I could see you right now, bursting with happiness for me.  Thank you so much, and feel free to leave your messages of support in the comments (but please don't ask for money.  I recently put an offer in on a house that's going to require some major redecorating).