"[Plastic surgery] makes people happier, it makes them fall back in love with themselves and become better people to everyone else."
Monday, March 1, 2010 
Ah, the philosophical musings of Alexis--how I do learn from her. Who knew that the key to happiness and personal fulfillment is just a few thousand dollars and a face-bashing away? I look forward to her upcoming treatise (co-authored by Heidi Montag), If God Didn't Want Me to Get Plastic Surgery, Then Why Did He Invent Brow Lifts? Or something like that.
Congratulations to those of you who have not yet given up on the Real Housewives of Orange County. Sitting through this last episode was a major achievement. The ridiculousness that we usually enjoy has now morphed into something sad and boring, much like Alexis' mom's face (joke), and leaves me begging for mercy, or at least a whole chocolate cake and a fork. Here's your recap!
1. Guess who Vicki has invited over for margaritas and sympathy? Jeana! I must say, she is a sight for sore eyes, and our eyes are indeed feeling very beat-up after seeing Vicki walk out in this:
An entire outfit made from cut-off Spanx and lace! "It's my weekend romper," Vicki says with a modest smile after Jeana has no choice but to comment on it. This is why I have not given up on this show. Thank you, Vicki.
Vicki tells the camera that she invited Jeana over because the other Housewives made her feel sad and wrinkly on the San Francisco trip. "I need real friends like Jeana," she says. Oh, the delicious irony! Vicki explains to Jeana that Tamra sided with Alexis, and then says that even though she and Jeana have had their tough times, Vicki has always had Jeana's back. I was dying for Jeana to spit out her drink in shock, but instead she nods vaguely. She later tells the camera, "Vicki deserved it a little bit. She didn't have my back." It's not the tongue-lashing I was hoping for, but that's our Eeyore Jeana. I'll take it.
"I have always had your back, Jeana. Except for when I repeatedly said you were irresponsible and broke and a crappy realtor. Then there were those several times that I mentioned you've done a terrible job raising your kids. I might have also pushed you out of the show and led the mean-spiritied t.p. attack on your house, but other than that, I've been totally loyal."
2. Alexis' mom Penelope comes to visit from Colorado to get a brow lift. We see them at the plastic surgeon's office and Alexis can barely contain her excitement as the doctor tries to upsell mom on other procedures, like permanent eyeliner. As bloggersabode commented, TRASHY. I thought permanent eyeliner was a back-alley job only. (Really, has anyone seen a good permanent eyeliner job? I want to know.)
3. Tamra visits Lynne at Lynne's mom's house. Lynne is trying to decide whether to leave Frank and Tamra says "let me ask you this: does he cheat on you?" Lynne, in all earnestness, says "No. He's germaphobic. He'd never cheat on me." Tamra looks stunned, then bursts into snorty laughter. Lynne clearly doesn't understand what's so funny, but that doesn't stop her from giggling up a storm.
"Do you see that tiny pink zebra pushing a shopping cart over there? Now that's funny!"
4. It's Tamra's 42nd birthday party with friends at a restaurant. "What a better way to celebrate that getting together with my hos and my 'mos and getting day drunk?" So, yeah. You can already see barf on jeweled flip flops, can't you?
Lynne is the only Housewife there. Cut to Vicki who asks the camera "who has a birthday party on a Tuesday at 11? I'M WORKING. Always working. In the middle of the day, I'm working." Really, Vicki? I had no idea.
Is anyone else's blood pressure totally elevated right now?
Instead of delivering Tamra's gift in person after she gets off WORK, Vicki has her assistant David drop it off. It's a show-off move, and Vicki's subtle way of saying that she's still pissed at Tamra for not pledging allegiance to the United States of Vicki.
David: "I'm just dropping off Vicki's present. It's a dvd of Vicki saying she can't buy you a present because she's too busy working."
Even while she's spilling her syrupy drink and getting hammered, Tamra knows she's been snubbed.
5. Alexis and her mom go to lunch. Alexis talks about how difficult it was to grow up in Missouri because she liked to wear make-up and heels while all the other girls liked to roll around in poo. Oh, she didn't say it outright about the poo, but that's what she meant. (Andy Cohen, you are from Missouri. I need to see you represent at the reunion, honey.)
The subject turns to mom's brow lift, and Alexis says her bit about plastic surgery and love, etc. She goes on to tell the camera that her mom really needs this brow lift because she is so simple, so plain, so washed-out. You know what I say to that?
TAKE HER TO THE DAMN LANCOME COUNTER AT MACY'S! Don't talk her in to spending $13,000 on a major surgery that she doesn't need! Even better, I'm sure Gretchen and Ronald Ann would love to get their hands on Penelope, and it wouldn't cost more than a couple hundred dollars. A brow lift won't fix the "simple, plain, washed-out" problem, but a little Gretchen Christine Beauté will (did you guys see she fixed the accent? Whew).
I have no objection to plastic surgery or any type of cosmetic procedure. Bearing children is murder on the boobs and the tummy. Some of us don't bounce back like others. Some of us think we have bad skin or big noses. If you have the money and the desire to fix it, do it. But when you're 32 and calling plastic surgery "maintenance" as well as a means to personal enlightenment, that's when I have to call bullshit.
6. Alexa and Raquel have dinner together at home and talk shit about their parents. My favorite line is "My parents just want to live out their dream. So, I don't know if this is what they consider their dream, getting evicted." And Lynne and Frank are burrrrrrned by the retard sisters.
7. Briana doesn't have cancer. She, Vicki and Donn celebrate with a shot of tequila. Woo hoo.
8. Lynne and Frank go out for dinner to decide whether their marriage is worth saving. Lynne talks about how much she's sacrificed--she's doing her own hair and skipped her spray tan this week. She's also having a baboon do her make-up (just a guess).
They murmur their clichés to each other and then decide to stay together. Big surprise.
9. Gretchen Christine Beauté makes its debut at the Women's Expo. Not exactly sure what that is, but Gretchen appears to be headlining it. She has obviously shelled out a lot of dough for her booth, which is really more of a satin tent with a disco floor and huge sexy photos of Gretchen herself.
According to Gretchen, thirty thousand people attended last year's expo, but this year? Empty. Crickets, except for one girl wearing an ipod and work-out clothes. Gretchen is confident it's just the bad economy and remains optimistic.
"I know you're just dropping off fliers for the Italian buffet next door, but can I interest you in a makeover and some dancing by Slade Smiley?"
10. I'm not even going to talk about Tamra's birthday dinner with Simon. Same old arguments (Vicki is like Hitler, Tamra is cuckoo-crazy and Simon doesn't tongue her in public anymore). They take a gondola ride to dee-vorce.
Next week, the FINALE and traditional end of season party. Alexa and Raquel get drunk, Lauri Waring makes an appearance, and Tamra screams to Simon "Iwantadivorcefuckyou!" Then, at long last, sweet relief when the Real Housewives of New York City premieres.
Reader Comments (60)
To all the girls at Mizzou, clean yourselves up and forget about that education. Getting a BA is not the way to enlightenment. Just ask Alexis.
YES to putting "Lynne" and "baboon" in the same paragraph. It's as if all the surgeries have carved away thousands of years of evolution and left her with a profile that is more primate than human.
What was with the ridiculous bite of bread Alexis overindulged in?
I have to admit something.
When I watch this show I try to make faces like Lynn. Like I try to make part of my face frozen and the other part all squishy from laughing. It kinda hurts.
OMG, the bite of bread! "Let me take one more bite!" And she NIBBLES off the damn corner.
That's the part where I had to lie down.
And Lynn is a gigantic moron from space but when Frank was giving his spiel about how they've been together for a million years, I kinda liked him again.
P.S. I watched the reruns of the first season last week and OMG. The show was so much better. Vicki and Breanna have totally let themselves go.
I gotta say, I am with Vicki on the birthday party at 11 am on a Tuesday. It is almost as if they do it purposefully so that Vicki has to say she can't attend because of work.
Alexis was a little condescending to her mother, oh wait, Jim is condescending to Alexis, that's where gets it from
Oh wait, she wore high heels at 13 yrs old? Was she wearing them to church, because she has been going to church since she was 7
Is the OC over yet? I'm just..done with them. All I want to see is some serious ass bitching and slapping at the reuinion. Maybe pulling of the hair. Oh wait, that's the Atlanta housewives. Damnit! I still say gather ALL the housewives from EVERY season and let them critique themselves. Now that is something I'd have a party for. Maybe they could use some Gretchen Christine Beauté . Plan it, say around 11ish.
OH wait..VICKI wont be there because you know..SHE HAS TO FUCKIN WORK!!!!!!!!!!!! OY! Pass me a shot of tequila and a syringe of botox.
That was the saddest, last minute birthday bash I've ever seen. I'm ALL for the day drinking festivities but you can bet it's gonna be done laying poolside or at the beach and going on till WAY past sunset! That scuzzy, mini-mall joint was pathetic!! All I kept thinking was how busted she was gonna be by Simon when she got home in the middle of day, all wasted, right when the kids were coming home from school. And btw- Who were all those people anyway? Did I see Tammy at the end of the table hiding from the cameras?
The nibble of bread - OMG. If I was with her at the table I'd have punched her in the mouth.
Lynn's daughters make me insane, I counted how may times they said 'Like' during their 2 minute segment - TWENTY FIVE times. Dolts.
SGM,
I cannot allow you to gloss over Simon's comments on the gondola about how all his friends cannot believe he has stuck it out with Tamara this long. Who says stuff like that to his wife on her birthday? I guess we know at least one of Simon's friends who did not think Tamara was all that bad.
Frank
P.S. what is this talk about things happening to your body after you have kids? Yours looks amazing.
I think Alexis is right. Women from Mizzou do roll around in poo. Rock Chalk Jayhawk!
I think I'm in love with Frank. Not only does he watch (and it's obvious he did listen) to Simon's comment, and think it was wrong, he also said how amazing your body is. Ahhhhh. Good man that Frank is. I say go have wild monkey sex with him right now. Lol
@Jayhawk --
"Women from Mizzou do roll around in poo" -- Love it!
SGM, you have to write a season finale poem incorporating this line!
Alexis is the most obnoxious housewife! She looks like a tranny! Her boobs are too big, her lips are too blow-fish-like, her nose is too pointy, and she wears too much make-up. She looks like she's closer to 50 than 32 years old. Where does she get off telling her mother she looks washed up when her mom is wearing no makeup and she's almost 60 years old. I'm 25 and need a little foundation and blush to look decent. I am so over the OC housewives, bring on the NYC bitches.
I still love Vicki, she's my fave no matter what. And who the hell has a birthday party at 11 am....seriously Tamara is getting on my last nerve. The bullshit with them having each others back's needs to stop...you ain't got no one's back bitch! Everyone takes what Vicki says to the extreme-we work, he works, I work...so fucking what...they work...more than any other housewife and for that she deserves to make it well aware. She's proud-let her be proud!
This is the best recap (and comments!) I've read in a long time. I'm surprised I didn't get busted for reading it at work since I couldn't control my laughter.
Glad you guys brought up Alexis's ridiculous morsel of bread and Simon's *rude* comment in the gondola. Also, Lynn DOES look a baboon after her surgery. BAHhahahahaha
Agreed that Alexis' "maintenance" actually makes her appear older - couldn't believe she's only 32.
Didn't even watch this one but loved the recap. The thrill is gone. Over and out.
I couldn't agree more. This season is painful. Why? There is nobody left on the show to like. Bring back Laurie! Alexis is a waste of space and her husband is just creepy! Vicki is horrid. I don't care about Gretchen's flop of a makeup line and Slade is a moron. I like Lynn because she is so vacant I feel sorry for her. Who buys a $1200 leather jacket when they just got evicted? Someone in denial, that's who. And don't even get me started on her odious daughters! This season sucked. Plain and simple. Time to get rid of them all and start again or just cancel it. It's pathetic and mean. Bring on NYC!
I have a friend who had a GREAT permanent eyeliner job. The doctor's office called it something like "eyelash line enhancement" -- it wasn't quite as heavy as their "permanent eyeliner" deal. But yeah, I used to see her at preschool dropoff and she always looked bright-eyed, quite unlike the rest of us.
That "indulgent" bite of bread by Alexis was sickening. She's totes anorexic.
And, I am her age and have not had any plastic surgery. I am always carded and my co-workers think I am 24. (I am not saying I look amazing, this is probably because I don't brush my hair or iron my clothes.) Plastic surgery is not maintenance when you are 32. It is something insecure-not-that-cute-girls like Alexis do in order to bag a faux wealthy older man. That husband of hers should get some surgery; he could really use some.
Lynne's arms are too short. It adds to the baboon-ness.
Oh, and I agree that Vicki's "I WORK!" cries are annoying, but srsly, Tamra's birthday party was pathetic. Most people are at work at 11am on a Tuesday.
I would much prefer to have a party at night, when it is appropriate to get inappropriately drunk.
Agreed Gina! Alexis is soooo anorexic. She over indulges in a nibble of bread and I'm sure she did an extra hour of spin class the next day to get those carbs off. Alexis has taken over the reins of HOT MESS from Tamra. Someone needs to tell her how to dress for her size, when you're a gigantor you can't pull off silver satin shorts. And I they are super faux-riche. Their house is ordinary and I bet their cars are leased. They are the O.C. version of Simon and Alex.
How did I miss the bite of bread?! Alexis is one of those people you HATE to eat with because 1) the uber-fussy ordering and 2) she's a damn nibbler--"I'm so full!"
Yes, the uber fussy ordering is a total pita. I am a pretty picky eater, but I can always find something I can and will eat. And, it's ok to suck it up once in a while.
I am sure Alexis has no fun. Can you imagine? She is only 32 and has to go on date nights with that man who beats her for knowing what a surf and turf is...it is all so sad.
Make it over, SGM. Pretty please?
I will say that I watched a couple shows of Andy Cohen while, er, working on a small painting project, and he's hilars.