"Holy Christ, are we still doing this whole thing?"
Monday, March 8, 2010 
Yes, Bethenny. WE ARE! Did you not see the cameras and boom mic on your way in? Time to get back to work, sister--that Skinnygirl car ain't gonna pay for itself.
Take a deep breath. Do you smell it? The stink of the rotting Orange County ladies has disappeared, and in its place is the fresh, briny air of the Hamptons and Ramoner's armpits. In terms of dialogue and brains, we have gone from nibbling on bread to eating the whole damn loaf and washing it down with a shot of Patrón. There's just so much more to...digest. Here is your Real Housewives of New York City recap:
1. Jill and the Countess are trudging toward the yacht Ramoner has borrowed for an end-of-summer party. "Ahm stahving. She bettah have some good food," are the pissy first words out of Jill's mouth. Ramoner, clad in a yellow bikini, runs out to greet them, hips swinging, eyes bulging, wine glass raised to the sky. Oh, how I have missed that crazy fucker Ramoner!
After accepting an exuberant boa constrictor hug, Jill narrows her eyes and starts looking everything up and down. "Who's yacht is this?" She takes off her sunglasses, peers at Ramoner. "What's different about you?" Ramoner offers up some ideas, "I've gained five pounds! I'm blonder! I'm renewed!" Jill shakes her head and everyone can read her mind: "there's NO WAY Ramoner can afford this yacht and she's too damn old be wearing a bikini." Jill confirms this to the camera. "Cover up!" she says grouchily.
Alex is the next to arrive. She approaches the yacht hesitantly, as if she's a crippled zebra who has been invited to dinner with the hyenas. Rightfully so! Ramoner hates Alex and Simon like Alexis Bellino hates ugly people. But Ramoner explains to the camera that in the spirit of renewal (which might conveniently remind you of Tru Renewal™), she thought "let me give Alex a fresh start with me." What a gift! She wraps a bewildered Alex in a warm, overly-familiar embrace and then nuzzles into Alex's neck.
Alex comments on Ramoner's new haircut while Ramoner flips her hair around violently, "I'm an older version of Cameron Diaz!" With her back to Ramoner, Jill sticks a finger down her throat. As if. Oh, Jill's not in a good mood, you guys.
"Alex, smell me. Older Cameron Diaz poached in wine, right?"
Then Ramoner sits everyone down and pulls out her collection of jewelry she's designed for HSN. Jill rolls her eyes, irritated at the "hawking of wares." Please. Jill's just upset that Ramoner is getting a free commercial and ZARIN FABRICS is not.
She pulls Ramoner's friend Joni (aka Amalita) aside and starts complaining about how cheap Ramoner is. Jill says that if it were her, she would tell everyone to pick out a piece of jewelry to take home. "Ramoner is cheap," Jill says, and to her, there is no greater insult. Joni defends Ramoner for a half a second before breaking down and telling Jill that when they went out to dinner the other night, Ramoner ordered a separate check. "Ahm done!" Jill is filled with disgust as she stands up to walk away.
Bethenny is conspicuously absent from this gathering (so is Kelly, but no one seems to care). Ramoner explains that Jill and Bethenny are fighting and Ramoner didn't invite Bethenny because she didn't want any drama (HA). Jill holds court on the matter, telling everyone about the voicemail where Bethenny tells her to "get a hawby." If you missed this part, don't worry; Jill repeats the story approximately 34 times this season. Jill says that her BFF relationship with Bethenny turned out to be "all about what I could do for her." She tells the camera with finality: "I hadda cuddah out like cansuh." OH SHIT.
2. Cut to Bethenny, who is posing for the now famous PETA ad. She speaks giddily of her boyfriend Jason. A LOT. As in, "did you send that nude picture of me to Jason? Wait til Jason sees this! Jason is my boyfriend. We are in love, and it is mutual. Have you sent the picture to my boyfriend yet? You know, JASON?"
Who are you, Bethenny Frankel?
"Bethenny, Jason called and says he wants you to jump."
"No problem. Did he say whether he wanted a swan dive or feet first?"
Was anyone else thinking about their own butt from this angle? I could be a spokesperson for cottage cheese.
3. And we're back on the boat. Ramoner and the Countess are loving it up on the deck, hugging and cooing until LuAnn, employing the Real Housewives Pearl Harbor Method of Confrontation, abruptly says "...but your husband." She goes on say that Mario called her "Count-less" under his breath while they were at some rich people event and it hurt her feelings. Ramona is briefly apologetic but turns defensive when LuAnn starts demanding some sympathy from Ramoner: "With what I've been through, can you imagine how that felt?"
Yeah, don't expect Ramoner to nuzzle you on this one, Princess. Oops, I mean Countess. Ramoner shrugs it off and says that Mario was just being "playful." What? Even I don't believe that. He clearly was taking a jab at LuAnn (and for the record, I'm totally cool with that). Jill pops her head into the screen: "It was insenstive! ZARIN FABRICS!"
There's more back and forth until Ramoner, eyes twitching, shouts "You're making a mountain out of a hole hill, LuAnn!" Yes! A HOLE HILL! Then Jill, as if speaking to a child, tries to explain exactly why and how what Mario said was hurtful. But Ramoner is focussed on LuAnn who is lounging smugly in her seat. "There are no titles in the U.S.!" Ramoner cries, and my eyes widen with appreciation. But then Ramoner proceeds to lose it, spiraling down into an interpretive dance of crazy: crouch, leap, shriek, repeat. "You're not following your own rules, COUNTESS! You're ruining my day!" she screams before storming into the cabin.
Ramoner is inside getting hysterical ("I'm a nice person! They're mean girls!") while outside, Jill and the Countess are trash talking Ramoner with a secretly thrilled Alex, who's thinking "I'm IN. I'm finally IN. Wait til I tell Simon!"
The Countess eventually decides to find Ramoner, and when she does, Ramoner pops up cheerily, tears still on her face, and asks the Countess if she likes Patrón. "LuAnn, I adore you!" she adds. What? "What is the toast?" says LuAnn, because we must always have a chin-chin, and Ramoner blathers incoherently about happiness. Ramoner gives LuAnn a wine glass filled with a little tequila and clinks it roughly with her own.
Cut to Jill who says to the camera, "I couldn't wait to get off this fricking boat."
4. Bethenny is at her condo after the photoshoot. She explains to her assistant why she and Jill are fighting. "She cannot be happy for me unless it directly benefits her. The whole summer it was 'what about me' and it was very grabby. I don't like grabby. Jason doesn't like grabby." She talks about the "get a hobby" message. Jason was right there when she said it!
Ding dong, guess who arrives? JASON! There is baby talk that just hurts my teeth, and then Jason gently reprimands Bethenny for sending him a nudie photo at work. The whole photoshoot was "just uncomfortable" for him because Bethenny's cans are something that should be for just the two of them. Oh honey, have you not seen the previews for this season? We see Bethenny in the BATHROOM TAKING A PREGNANCY TEST. It's time you realize that there are no private moments when you are married to Skinnygirl, Inc.
5. Back in the Hamptons, Jill and LuAnn meet Kelly for lunch. Jill approaches Kelly, speaking in her native language of Kvetch: "Outside? Ya sitting outside? It's hot! Look at me, Ahm gonna melt!" Oh GOD please make it stop! Jill explains to the camera that she'd like to give Kelly another chance. Okay. Whatever. Jill tells Kelly that she's staying with LuAnn. To the camera, she says proudly "we sold our house at the top of the market." I half expect her to shrug modestly and say "and the rich get richer."
WHY do I have all of this anger toward Jill?
The women talk about Kelly's arrest and LuAnn's divorce. I actually understand everything that comes out of Kelly's mouth, which worries me. I even understand "I want to be Robin to a Batman." Help.
Jill's turn. She's had a rough summer because Bobby was diagnosed with thyroid cansuh. Guess who didn't visit Bobby in the hospital? Bethenny. She sent flowers instead. "My mailman sent flowers," Jill says. Really? You must have a pretty close relationship with your mailman. Then Jill tells the Bethenny Voicemail Story. She told Jill to get a hobby, can you believe it?! Sigh.
"I would never want to cross [Bethenny]," Kelly reflects, "because she would attack me or say something bad." Um, remember The Brass Monkey Incident, you dumbshit? You have had first-hand experience with Bethenny and her wood-chipper mouth. "That's not a friend," Kelly explains. "That's a foe." So perceptive.
6. This next scene, the fight between Bethenny and LuAnn, I cannot do it justice. I will attempt it, but please know that it was one hundred times better than I could ever describe it.
Jason, driving the godawful Skinnygirl car, drops Bethenny off for a mandatory drinks meeting with her co-worker LuAnn. Bethenny's annoyed because 1) she doesn't really want to be there in the first place (JASON, you know) and 2) LuAnn insisted last minute that Bethenny come to her in the Hamptons.
Bethenny greets LuAnn tiredly and mentions that it took her 2 hours to get there. "Darling, it's Labor Day weekend," LuAnn says in her typically condescending manner. "No, but you don't understand--" Bethenny starts, only to interrupted by "I know, that's why you're late." No, actually that's not what Bethenny meant AT ALL, and she explains that she was really put out by LuAnn's selfish request that B drag her ass to the Hamptons. LuAnn says a bunch of b.s. that loosely translates to "Bethenny, don't you understand that my needs are more important than yours?"
Then the Countess puts a little smirk on her face and goes in for the passive-aggressive kill. "Are you inviting me for drinks and then going to complain that I didn't pay up? I just want to be clear." Cue the side-eye.
Bethenny doesn't quite believe what she's hearing and says that yes, she will pick up the tab. LuAnn starts to lecture about "in my world, when you invite somone, you pick up the tab." She is referring, of course, to the offhand comment Bethenny made at the beginning of Season 2 when Countess Snootypants ran off leaving Bethenny to pay for their surfing lesson.
Bethenny's eyes grow wide as saucers and she says something to the effect of "are you fucking kidding me?" Nope. LuAnn's totally serious, and I want to punch her in her self-satisfied face. "I can't be friendly with you if you're making snarky comments behind my back," she says. Bethenny makes a magnificent and impassioned statement to the camera: "your house does not have one inch that's not glass and I'm gonna take a rock and throw it straight through every window right now." The crowd roars!
Bethenny, going 100 miles per hour, proceeds to call LuAnn a hypocrite (sound familiar, LuAnn?) and tells her she's so tired of all of the scolding about manners. She gives specific examples and LuAnn just sputters. She can tell she's losing this battle and attacks from a different angle--Bethenny was not there for her when she was going through her divorce. "I sent you a gift basket!" Bethenny exclaims, "we're not great friends!"
They get all heated and LuAnn suddenly calls a truce and offers up her glass for a toast. Bethenny's head almost pops off. "No," she says. "I need a minute." To the camera she says "After I just ripped off your whole costume, you want a truce?!"
They try to chill out and change the subject. LuAnn asks about the Skinnygirl car, rasing her eyebrows and making clear she thinks that car is the very definition of tacky. Which it is. Bethenny tries to explain that it's a brand just like Hermes (little bit of a stretch) but LuAnn's not listening and says something stupid (I wasn't listening either) to which Bethenny tells the camera "EXACTLY, YOU DUMB DRAG QUEEN!" Oh, how I loved that part!
Bethenny just wants to get out of there so she makes an insincere apology for the surfing comment and then they both say that they will be "real" with each other. Bethenny reluctantly gives LuAnn a fake hug that makes her, along with the rest of us, feel dirty inside.
Then it's over. My head is spinning. This season is going to be straight out of Andy Cohen's sweaty dreams.
Let 'er rip!
Reader Comments (42)
I'm so confused about this season. Everyone hates each other and is basically jealous of Bethenny cuz she's getting her own spin-off show. I thought Kelly and LuAnn hated each other, now they're eating lunch together and commiserating about how their old, farty ex-huisbands left them for younger models? I thought Romana hated Alex, and now Romana invites Alex to her rented yacht? And after hearing Jill talk about her fight with Bethenny, I think Bethenny is totally right, Jill really needs to get a hobby cuz she's obsessed with Bethenny. Also, Romana was totally right, Bethenny got famous, rich and a boyfriend (hence, Bethenny was no longer the underdog) and Jill got pissed. I can't wait for more fighting and bitch-slapping.
Humorless Jason was doing some Simon Barney-style slow simmers there.
I would almost say that the NY premiere was worth sitting through a few minutes of the OC finale... but not quite. I just cannot STOMACH that show. Now, back to NY. My impressions:
Bethenney, you know, Jason’s girlfriend: I totally agree that Bethenney's fixation with her boyfriend Jason is hurl-worthy. It has to be annoying to endure unless he's some sort of narcissistic masochist. I wonder how he feels about being Jason 2.0. I completely forgot that the first guy she tried to hook was also named Jason until I caught a glimpse of the Housewives Top 25. Luckily for him, he was able to escape before she “miraculously” conceived. As for her relationship with Jill, I would bet a pair of McQueen pumps that Bethenney, you know, Jason’s girlfriend, is the type of friend who disappears whenever she lands a man who will give her the time of day.
Jill I can dish it but I can’t take it Zarin: Very bitter this season. For someone who is constantly advising everyone else on everything under the sun, she sure does not seem to heed her own, or shall we say Gloria’s advice. I think there is some merit to her bitterness toward Bethenney because she obviously felt some sort of codependent connection to the girl. Now, her attacks against Ramoner were just unnecessary.
The Count-less Countess: That was a cruel, but oh so deserving, comment by Mario. I do think it would have been generous of Ramona to just admit to his insensitivity. Overall, I found Luann to be totally rehearsed in her encounters w/ the ladies. It’s like she had a little sheet of talking points tucked inside her headband. If I were Bethenney or even Ramoner, I would purposely address her as Loo-Ann in the most backwoods Sprigeresque manner possible. Can you imagine the reaction?
Ramoner: The mad hatter, minus the hat. Just all around nutty but harmless.
Alex: She better find her inner diva or her days are numbered.
Okay was I the only one who's "gay-dar" was going off when Jason showed up? Holy cow, cling much Bethenny? Is she trying to convince us or Jason or herself that they're happy in love? It was so sickening! Personally I think she laid it on way too thick with this "Jason and I are so in love". It was a bit too weird and uncomfortable. Bethenny started getting on my nerves at the end of last season, her one liners were so annoying, this season her voice has started grating on my nerves. It's like she's on the caffeine diet, all the jumpyness and screeching.
All the housewives get on my nerves but Bethenny is at the top of my list. I couldn't finish watching the last few episodes of Orange County and now New York is starting off pretty bad. I think It's time to leave certain cities behind and start new with new casts. From here on in, the more seasons a city has the more scripted and over acted they get. All this fighting, switching alliances, backstabbing, Bethenny one liners, gets very old and annoying. I'll give it a few more episodes if I can but I may have to find something else to watch on Thursdays.
SGM:
I am a non blower of smoke up someone's ass, but I have to give you kudos. I takes a lot to get a good laugh out of me. It's not really my fault. Growing up, humor to us consisted of a loved one tumbling down the stairs or my brother fake vomiting outside a restaurant. Today as I was minding my own business reading your recap on my laptop, my husband decided to sit next to me to watch one of his man-type shows. I was internally giggling as I was reading, but then got to the comment of "the rich get richer" and I lost it. Just like when I was 10yrs old in church and my brother handed me the head of a barbie he had mangled, I lost it. The tears started streaming down my face and I couldn't talk because I was laughing. My husband had to pause his show to find out what the hell was going on. When I couldn't explain he shook his head and resumed his show.
THANK YOU for making my day!!
Love it!!!! So glad to have NY back on so I can really, truly enjoy your recaps. Thanks again for all the smiles and giggles!!!
I agree that Jill just seems mean this season. There is no reason to comment on Ramona's bikini or the fact that she didn't give all her guests free jewelry. Does she give out free fabric? And she and LuAnn acting like they don't talk behind the other women's back - get a fire extinguisher cuz their pants are on fire.
Luann and the whole: Are you paying for drinks is just stupid. Who does things like that?
I do not understand how you do not get paid for this. You are brillant and hysterical and I don't even watch the shows anymore. I just read you. It is far better and less painful. If I had a million dollars, I would most certainly throw you a few for you time. Just sayin'.
And to follow up, I'm not a millionaire. Sadly, not even a thousandiare so you'll have to settle for my undying love until I hit it big.
Your recaps are just so perfect LOVE THEM!!!!!!!!!!!!
I thought the mixing of Ramoner, Jill, Countless and Alex was a little weird sorta like "oh, we are filming a TV show, so lets pretend like we like each other"? Ya know all that fake crap that happens after 1 or 2 seasons of RHO, when the ladies watch their show, and see what is said during the interviews that accompany each show, they get pissed but don't see each other until they start taping again, so that causes the drama, OMG I got the RHO all figured out!!!
Countless and her etiquette, its getting a little old, honey, you may want to drop yourself back to earth from your Royalty cloud, I am sure that in some"circles" your etiquette is appreciated or tolerated, but, isn't it better or proper to just shut your mouth and pay your own way? Oy Vay all the support she needs from these housewives, because of her divorce, "YOU ARE NOT FRIENDS W/THESE LADIES UNLESS THE CAMERAS ARE ROLLING" so maybe someone is your circle would be better support?
Very happy for Bethenny, she has her lobster, her BF, future hubby, she has had not the best family life for like forever and this is what she wants and who cares how she gushes over Jason, good for her she is happy, [we s/d all be so lucky]
and I like her car. She is just so honest and says it as it is, have to admire that and her get a hobby comment for Jill, sounds like Jill needs someone else to cluck over, so lets bring in Kelly............hahahahahaha remember she stood you up at a Halloween party???????????
I am not digging Bethany these days- she seems overly self involved, and you can tell she's the type to completely ditch her women friends when a man comes along. I was also getting a gay vibe from Jason. Bethany's complaints about meeting Luanne were bullshit- she was coming from Montauk, which is also in the Hamptons. It's around 30 minutes from east hampton, and maybe an hour from south hampton, but its a zoo on big summer weekends, and everyone who goes there knows it.
Did anyone else notice that Jill is wearing a dress in the intro that has arrows pointing to her titties and hoo-ha? If you missed it, go to Hulu and watch the intro again. PRICELESS.
Love love love your recaps! The best line of the night for me was actually when, yes, a slightly-more-perceptive-than-before Kelly Bensimone offers up this yoda-like wisdom about Bethenny to Jill: "A friend does not that make". WTF!?!?! Who talks like that? I had to stop and rewind like 12 times before I decided that yes, that's indeed what she said. She's still nuts in my opinion.
And Luann is just pouring on the douchey countessness the entire episode, like she's decided to play a caricature of herself. Of all the insanely irritating things she said in this episode, for whatever reason, the thing that most bothered me is that she calls being at a tennis match "When were at the tennis." So elitist! INo one says that in this country. I've played tennis my entire life and never have I put "the" in front of it. She sucks.
I do agree with you about Jill - she acted like a mixture between a pissy jealous teenager and a grumpy old lady the entire time. Over her.
There are some bloggers who think they are funny, and then there are those bloggers who just are funny. You, SGM, are one of the latter.
Thank you.
I love the fact that I can come here and get a kick ass recap without having to waste an hour of my life watching this drivel. Cheers to you, SGM, thanks for taking it for the team. I owe ya.
SGM, your Jill voice is a hoot!! "I hadda cuddah out like cansuh" -- saying it out loud is so much fun.
I think someone needs to explain to Mrs. Zarin of Zarin Fabrics what constitutes the "top" of a real estate market. 'Cause if I'm not mistaken, that period between 2008 (when they still owned the Hamptons house) and 2009 (when they no longer owned the Hamptons house) is more commonly known as the "bottom."
Bethenny I hope goes the way of David Lee Roth, Chevy Chase, and all those other egos who thought they were greater than the whole. We're really gonna watch her screeching week after week when there are no other unlikable ladies to counterbalance her particular brand of unlikability? How come these women don't realize we're laughing at them, not with them?
I agree with an earlier poster: these things last too many seasons. Give each city a single season, and move on.
Besides, I wanna see what SGM could do with all the dialects of America!
Spot on recap.
I expect nothing less from you :)
So, how is it that I am liking Kelly the most this season? Although who says in seriousness, 'She is not a friend. She is a foe." in any type conversation?
My second new fav is Alex/Switzerland. Although she seems much less interesting w/o Simon around.
The rest?
Bitter, mean,.......CRAZY.
As in,
Luann, Bethanny, Ramona.
Love the recap. I hope they show Romana bringing on plenty of crazy this season, because judging from all the petty mean girl behavior, that's all that will make the show watchable. That, and Simon. I need me some Simon.
You all are funny because you're constantly complaining about the unwatchable mean girl behavior but isn't what this whole blog is based on? Most of you posters are mean girls. So get over yourselves.
Ummm...anon...I don't think many (if any) are saying any of this is unwatchable...we're just calling them out on being bitches and love watching every minute of their trainwreck behavior. I know I am.
1. Jill: She's mad this season. But your impression was dead on. It makes me so sad to think that Bobby Z had cancer. I love him more than Donn G. Let's start a pool on how many times she rehashes the "hobby" message from BFrank. To me, it's shady as hell that she is spending the summer with the LuAnn. Where's Ali?
2. Count(l)ess: Enough already. It has only been one episode and I am over this broad. The "in my world" comment should have been followed with a punch in the face by Bethenny. Is it bad that even though I thought Mario's comment was mean, I giggled a little bit? At least she called out Kelly when she was like "I was like a hostage" (or whatever the hell her words were)... "there are worse places to be stuck." She was panicking when BFrank was calling her ass out on giving her number out to men..."HOW DARE SHE QUESTION MY MARRIAGE OF 16 YEARS?!?!?" LuAnn, no one was talking about your marriage. She was talking about you slutting it up now that you are on your way to divorce. Nobody's mad about it, just own it. Why is she looking for another man like Alex? If she wants an older European man to cheat on her with women significantly younger than her and break off her marriage over e-mail, I'm sure she could find it. Maybe we need a little higher of a hurdle.
3. Ramoner: Crazy to the max. I feel like she will forget to take her meds more than once this season. The whole "look at my QVC line" thing was weird. Jill was right...Ramoner is CHEAP. She needs to heed Jill's advice and lay off the bikinis. And Cameron Diaz she's not. I think she might be bipolar.
4. Bethenny: Jason's girlfriend. They picked up each other's hobbies. She has a boyfriend and is in love. But thank god she didn't take any bullshit from the Countess. The car is cheesy. But damn if I wouldn't kill to have that body.
5. Kelly: Surprisingly easy to understand this year. But I didn't get the Batman/Robin thing. Next thing you know, SGM, you are going to be understand Lynne. I love that she totally blew off the stuff about getting arrested.
6. Alex: I've got nothing. Preppyplayer was brilliant with the "Alex/Switzerland" comment. I think she's just so excited to be back in the fold. I bet Simon is pissed he wasn't featured in this episode.
SGM: This one goes in your Greatest Hits.
just about died with the whole bethenny jumping off the boat bit.
"As for her relationship with Jill, I would bet a pair of McQueen pumps that Bethenney, you know, Jason’s girlfriend, is the type of friend who disappears whenever she lands a man who will give her the time of day. "- cj nola - That's exactly what I said to my girls... Alex: She better find her inner diva or her days are numbered. :)
I wish CJ Nola and SGM could have a talk show- SGM could be Johnny Carson and CJ Nola could be Ed McMahon... I'd watch every night and tell Conan and Jay to f-off :)
SGM can you write a blog everyday about anything? Please?
"
They all easily get on my last never, but Bethenny was usually the one who made it there the least UNTIL this past week. I wanted to bitch slap her. Badly.