On to the next one

Real Housewives of New Jersey starts tonight!

(click through if you can't see the video)

Is it too much to hope that Albie Manzo gets on that stripper pole?  

I know many of you are over Real Housewives of New York City but I am still riveted.  My favorite part of the most recent episode was when Professor Hotpants tries to explain to Jill and LuAnn what "kill the messenger" means. 

"And also?  The term 'poker face' pre-dates Lady Gaga."  

We can only hope she's happy, in a Flowers for Algernon kind of way.

I have much more to say but I think I'd better stop here; I'm sick as a dog and need to get back to whimpering on the couch.  Please, tell me what you think about Alex's flustered message to Jill and if you are ready for all of the violence the Jerz promises to deliver.

Life lesson: if you take a pregnancy test in front of a camera crew, that shit's gonna get leaked.

In tonight's episode of Real Housewives of New York City, Bethenny and Jason are shocked and upset that a blogger reported news of Bethenny's pregnancy.  Watch this:

(click through if you can't see the video)

GOSH, I wonder how that blogger found out?  I just don't understand!

In March, we voted for our friend Jen to walk in the Survivor's Parade at Kentucky Oaks and hobnob with certain un-named Bravo celebs.  We now know who's going to be there, and guess who I'm hoping will receive a super-special warm embrace?

Yes, indeed!  Give his tush a little squeeze for me, will you Jen?

Tune in to Bravo at 5pm ET/PT tomorrow (read more details here) and look for Jen--she'll be the one drinking mint juleps while Andy Cohen sits in her lap and laughs at everything she says.  Oh, and she'll be wearing a white hat and a bright, multi-colored dress.   (I'm not joking about that part, so keep an eye out.)

Have a spectacular Thursday!

"She panicked, and she pooped."

She sure did!  The poor thing was frightened half to death.  She tried to escape and even brought out her sharp little claws, but in the end, she did what she always does when she feels threatened--she pooped all over everyone and everything and made a big embarrassing mess.

I'm talking about Jill, of course.  When she heard that Bethenny was not only in her immediate area but newly engaged, well.  Fight or flight and shit-the-pants took over.  We saw it with our own eyes.

Before we start, did anyone actually take my advice and go to Dairy Queen for the Blizzard sale?  I don't know about your DQ, but it was fucking AMATEUR NIGHT at mine.  People parking willy nilly, blocking other cars in, running in like their hair was on fire, only to find themselves in a line 15 people deep.  And that was just me!  What a sight. 

Here is your Real Housewives of New York City recap:

1.  Jill's dog Ginger (aka "Gingah") hasn't been eating well and Jill is convinced she's seriously ill.  Apparently Ginger has severe anxiety every time she visits the vet, so Jill orders up a housecall.  In other words, she plans an AMBUSH, Real Housewives-style.  As soon as the vet walks in the door, Ginger realizes what's up and proceeds to have a full-blown hissy fit just like her mama did at Ramoner's.  She craps what looks to be twice her body weight all over Jill's living room, which is suddenly and inexplicably filled with lots of people.  Jill is running around frantically, yelling for water and smearing dog turds into her chairs and carpet.  My favorite part is when she calls for perfume, because everyone knows that's how you clean--just dump some perfume on those brown stains and call it good! 

Ginger's fine by the way, aside from being portrayed as a disgusting little creature who constantly farts, eats Jill's boogers and poops all over the house.  I took several bites of cereal while typing that sentence. What do you think about THAT? 

2.  Bethenny enters Alex and Simon's buzzing, glowing, pulsating sex den.  Oops, I mean living room.  Alex has asked her new friend Bethenny over to pick at some salad and braid each other's lank hair, but guess what?  Bethenny has news!  She's engaged!  To JASON JASON JASON JASON!  "He liked it so much he put a ring on it," Bethenny cracks, which never gets old, NEVER, not even after we have heard her repeat this exact sentence to the press 100 times.  God.

There is awkward hugging, and Alex seems to be excited although she is distracted by the salad dressing, which just isn't coming together.  At this point, Bethenny tells the camera that it's refreshing to have someone be genuinely happy for her with no strings attached.   Oooh, can you feel her staring pointedly at Jill through the tv screen?

Bethenny tells the story of how Jason proposed, it was so romantic, blah blah blah.  We don't see any footage of it, which can only mean that Jason popped the question while they were in North Korea or at Jeff Lewis' house after dark (the only two places on earth where Bethenny can't grant Bravo permission to film).

Alex and Bethenny have the following conversation, complete with strikeouts:

"So when's this wedding going to be?"

"Oh, it depends on the production schedule we really haven't thought about it.  It just happened!"

"Do you want a big media clusterfuck wedding?"

"No, we want something small, very low-key. In other words, a total circus with at least five sponsors.  I've already contacted PEPPERIDGE FARM, maker of quality baked goods, and they're in for 10 grand if I wear a dress made of Milanos."

Bethenny tells Alex that she is the very first person Bethenny's told about the engagement, and while Alex tells the camera that she finds this very touching and a symbol of how close they have become, the rest of us (may I speak for you?) find it rather sad.  If your reality show castmate, the one you called desperate and delusional last season, is the very first person on the earth you tell about your engagement, you're hurtin' in the friend department.  

Bethenny tells the camera that she's not going to tell anyone about her pregnancy just yet.  Unlike peeing on the toilet, some things are private.

3.  Ramoner and Sonja have lunch the day after the big Kodak debacle.  They reminisce for a quick moment before Sonja segues into "wtf happened last night?"  Ramoner shrugs and basically says "Jill is very sensitive and simply does not understand my inquisitive nature."  This is is what I find amazing about Ramoner--she puts on a world-class exhibit of rudeness and then when someone later confronts her on it, she does the verbal equivalent of spraying perfume on it.  Guess what, Ramoner?  It doesn't cover up the stank.  Just ask Jill.

The topic turns to Kelly.  Sonja sees her all over and has been introduced to her a million times, yet last night Kelly was all "...and you are?"  Ramoner tries to explain that Kelly doesn't remember women, but it's even simpler than that:  Kelly doesn't remember anything at all, except for that one time Bethenny called her Madonna.   That she remembers, and she clings to it like a castaway holding onto a rickety raft in a vast, empty ocean.

4.  Cut to Kelly in the Hamptons, trying to make pancakes from a mix.  It's extremely difficult for her, mainly because I don't think she's ever used a stove or a spatula before.  She's a pretty good sport about it though, and after she melts the spatula and nibbles on it a bit, she drifts away and lets her children finish the job. 

5.  Okay, here's the deal.  It is 1am as I write this and my brain just crapped out.  I can't go on.  I realize I didn't even cover the best part, which was Jill and Bethenny's most agonizing meeting to date.  My tv frosted over! 

"I know Bethenny got engaged just to make me completely anxious and uncomfortable."

I need you to take over in the comments and tell me what you think about the Countess' apartment hunting, Jill and Bethenny, and of course, this:

Also--many of you already know about the Countess' song, but if you haven't heard it in all of its full-length tonedeaf glory, please click here.  WOW.  If you see me today and I am giggling uncontrollably to myself, it is because this song is playing in my head.  

 I bet you anything there's a pack of dogs howling right outside that studio door. 

Mason of Seattle's Movin 92.5 and I did hit all of the high points of RHNYC when we talked last Friday.  Listen here:

Who thinks Mario is hot when he speaks Italian?

A little bit of everything

• 9 by Design.  Do you love Cortney?  YES, the answer is yes.  The hipster dad doesn't even bother me, especially after seeing him take that April Fool's joke so well.  Does anyone know if they started out with a big pile of money?  What's the story?  See more photos of their wowzers house here.

• High Society.  Did you watch last night?  It's 20 minutes of commercial and 10 minutes of show, and that 10 minutes is like pouring a bottle of Drano straight onto your exposed brain.  Last night, Tinsley tongued Constantine from American Idol (ick), her old mom tongued her equally old date (double ick), and PJC was his normal self, which is to say a sociopathic worm.  I can't even talk about Devorah (we knew she was bad news bears way back when) and Jules without swallowing a handful of valium.   If you haven't watched, I beg you to share in my pain.  PLEASE.  Full episodes are online here.

• In case you haven't heard, there is a delicious, boomerang-like scandal going on with Jill Zarin.  You must read this.  (thanks to all of you tipsters.)

• Real Housewives of New York City is on tonight.  On a related note, Blizzards at Dairy Queen are buy one, get the second one for twenty-five cents.  Self-medication by ice cream.  Mmmmm.  See you after!

"She's a sexy pistol! She loves men, parties, and she's a little crazy and that's what I love about her."

Just for fun, I put LuAnn's description of new castmate Sonja Morgan into Google Translate and it came back with this:  "She needs to act her age.  She sleeps around, drinks too much and I started the rumor that she's a pill popper.  I can't stand the sight of her." 

Welcome, Sonja!

It's true, there were much worse things said during this episode of Real Housewives of New York City, but you know what?  I won't give Jill the satisfaction.  She was astonishingly, jaw-droppingly rude and malicious every time she appeared on screen.  And Ramoner!  She was okay until those last 10 minutes when she lost all of her goddamn marbles.  Just opened her head and they all clattered to the floor right in front of us.  What a mess!  An ugly, miserable, highly entertaining mess.

Let's recap!

1.  LuAnn arrives at Sonja's to collect clothes for her poor people charity party.  There is double-cheek kissing and French-speaking and THEN what does LuAnn spy on Sonja's table in the entryway but a prominently displayed 8x10 photo of Kelly Bensimon's imaginary boyfriend Max, all shirtless and oiled up.  Isn't that a coincidence!  Of course LuAnn questions it and Sonja gives an explanation which really amounts to "I paid for a few of his expenses and he agreed to put his P in my V."

2.  Cut to All About Sonja, which is the clip you saw in the previous post.  The summary: she grew up rich, married some rich old dude and got richer, they had a child and an amicable divorce/huge settlement, and now she's a professional horndog.  In all honesty, she doesn't seem that bad but she is on this show so I'm sure she's majorly awful on some level.   (Did you see that she claims she signed on to RHNYC without ever watching?  Wow, it's a good thing Bravo got to her before Rock of Love did because apparently she'll agree to be on any ol' reality show.)

3.  Sonja has agreed to donate some of her clothes to LuAnn's pretend charity.  She informs LuAnn that she has so many closets to choose from--the Miami closet, the Colorado closet, the Palm Beach closet, and then of course the one with all of those skeletons.  Sonja has already selected a few items (another closet, another floor) and calls her housekeeper to "just throw them in the elevator."  LuAnn raises her eyebrows.  An elevator?  She murmurs something like, "Aren't you lucky.  We never had an elevator."  She flares her nostrils slightly, which betrays her deep sadness and humiliation that she has been forced to use stairs in her own home all these years, like some sort of commoner. 

"No elevator.  Not even a chair lift.  It's just one more way Count Shithead has managed to embarrass me."

LuAnn hints to Sonja that she should host the charity cocktail party at her elevatored home, and Sonja agrees.  The party will be on the first floor, unless there are more than a couple hundred people, in which case she could possibly open up the second floor.  That's New York City for you--all of these limitations on space.  Such a shame. 

The clothes arrive in the elevator, literally dumped in, which is fine because really, they're just rags:  a Chanel suit, some "Ralph" and a Calvin Klein dress that isn't even from the high end line.  As they sift through the clothes, LuAnn makes a passive-aggressive remark about Sonja squeezing "like a sausage" into a skirt and we can tell it instantly makes her feel better about the elevator situation.  The scene ends when Sonja tells LuAnn that she feels good about getting rid of these things because she just needs to "move on with less stuff." 

But not that much less.  After all, her Tallahassee closet is just getting started. 

4.  Jill and Bobby are having lunch.  Jill explains to the camera that at Ramoner's, Bethenny had given Jill a note for Bobby.  Jill was so "shell-shocked and damaged" that she couldn't even face ripping it open and reading it for him.  But now that she's had time to recover, she wants to know what the lettah says.  Bobby says it was a nice lettah and that Bethenny said she would have visited had she known about the cansuh.  Jill, grasping for something to bitch about, shakes her head in disappointment and says "she didn't write me a lettah." 

Un-fucking-believable.

Jill:  She didn't write me a lettah.

Bobby:  Actually, she did.  I just forgot to give it to you.  Here it is.

Jill:  I can't believe she wrote me a lettah!  What, she can't sit down and talk to me face to face?  Can you see how crazy she is?

Bobby:  But she did try to talk to you face to face.

Jill:  Yeah.  Can you believe the nerve of that one? 

You're lucky you got out when you did Bethenny.  It's a no-win situation.  

5.  Bethenny is a spokesperson for PEPPERIDGE FARMS and is tiredly hawking sandwiches from a cart in some touristy location.  Who shows up in line but Alex!  Bethenny steps away from her post and a circle of spectators starts to form, snapping photos as Bethenny tells Alex that her dying dad refused to see her.  She also fills Alex in on the fight with Jill at Ramoner's.  "Another slammed door in my face," she laments.  

Bethenny, did ever it occur to you that Jill might like to have a door slammed in her face too?  No?  How incredibly thoughtless.  No wonder you two aren't friends anymore. 

6.  Jill is wandering around in Central Park when who rolls up in a rickshaw?  Countess Butthole!  Obviously still stinging from the fact that Sonja has an elevator, LuAnn has decided to console herself by hiring an illegal alien to pedal her around the park. 

Jill thinks it's an asshole move too.  "Since we don't have royalty, this is how the Countess arrives to an event.  How cute is that?"  She makes it clear that "how cute is that" really means "what a pretentious bitch."

LuAnn:  Darling, of course I'm not going to pay him.  He asked me if I needed a ride, and in my world, when you invite someone, you foot the bill.

Jill and Lu stroll around the park and talk.  LuAnn says she wants to go to a sweat lodge and this somehow reminds Jill of Yom Kippur and atonement.  "Ahm supposed ta fahgive everyone that I feel wronged me."  Hmmm, who could she be talking about?  Bethenny, maybe?  Because she talked to Jill/didn't talk to Jill, wrote a letter/didn't write a letter, etc.?  Whatever.  I didn't even listen to the rest of this part because I was too busy fantasizing about Jill getting a little boom boom POW to the mouth, but I think we all know that she's relishing the thought of hating Bethenny for a good long time.

LuAnn confesses she has a crush on someone!  He's young, he's French, he's Jewish!  Oh, the Count would have a stroke if he only knew, giggles LuAnn.  Hmmm, I disagree.  I think he'd just shrug and keep banging his new piece.  Jill expresses a bit of annoyance that LuAnn is hogging a nice Jewish boy when Jill's Jewish girlfriends could really use one, but on the other hand, I'm sure she'd be upset if LuAnn was dating a non-Jew:  "What are ya doing, ya idiot?  I keep tellin ya that Jewish men make the best husbands."

7.  Ramoner, dressed in lingerie, breaks open the bub and tells Mario she'd like to renew their vows.  Thank God, because that's just what this series needs, ANOTHER GODDAMN RENEWAL OF VOWS CEREMONY.  Jesus Christ.  

8.  Brooklyn Fashion Week!  Everyone is so excited!!!!!!  Except not at all.  In fact, all of the Housewives think it's a major hassle and a huge favor to Alex and Simon.  We see Alex working hard on the production side of things, such as arranging and rearranging the long black rubber mat that is the runway. 

As showtime nears, Ramoner is backstage, nervous about walking down the runway.  One of the designers tells her to relax, to look at her husband and pretend she's going to "ravish him."  "I did earlier!" Ramoner screeches.  GROSS. 

Miss Happy Sunshine Jill arrives and growls to the camera, "I was horrified.  It was so low rent.  The Countess wouldn't be caught dead at anything Alex and Simon would do.  LuAnn woulda pulled up with hah driva and driven away.  She nevah woulda gotten outta the cah."

Jill and Kelly are talking backstage when Ramoner walks up.  "Ya necklace doesn't match!" Jill screams and Ramoner visibly stiffens.  Jill smirks, knowing she's hit where it hurts because the necklace is from Ramoner's own line.  She continues. "Is that supposed to show, the brawr?"  Ramoner silently fumes and tells the camera that Jill is jealous because she's not participating in the show.  Jill appears to back off a little when she says to Ramoner, "Where is Mario?  He didn't want to see his hot sexy wife walk down the runway?" BUT THEN she walks away, looking at the camera, making her gag face.  It was shockingly mean. 

Oooooh, Jill.  You are going to get it!  A big, steaming pile of revenge courtesy of Ramoner, and it will drop like a fat turd when you least expect it.  I can't wait!

9.  Showtime!  Guess what?  Jill, sitting in the front row, hates everything.  Every single damn thing.  She's complaining non-stop to Simon, the man married to one of the organizers of this whole show.  She is being truly and embarrassingly awful.  

Kelly is the first Housewife down the runway, and she is so brown and beefy and glistening that she looks like a hot dog left on the rollers too long at 7-Eleven.  Mmmm, hotdog with mustard.

She tells the camera she loves this dress...except for the cut and the color, which she hates.  But she loves that dress!  

Alex walks out and Jill says to the camera, "I really expected a lot.  She's got the body of a fashion model, maybe not the face. [!!!] She was so serious and mean!"  She whispers to Simon, "Tell huh to slow down!  Too fast."  AS IF SIMON CAN DO ANYTHING ABOUT IT. 

Ramoner makes her now-infamous charge down the runway.  Her eyes are bursting from her head, and I imagine all of her eye muscles are holding on for dear life.  She looks like she's been possessed by the devil himself. 

Jill has never been more entertained in her life!  She is guffawing and elbowing Simon and calling 'Moner an idiot.  I want to enjoy Ramoner's shitballs-crazy performance but I can't because Jill is being so over-the-top mean and nasty. 

After the show, Jill bolts without saying a word to anyone.  Ramoner noticed.  Oh yes, Ramoner noticed.

10.  Kelly takes Simon shopping.  WTF. 

11.  Bethenny is in her bathroom at home.  She unwraps a pregnancy test and plops down on the toilet.  That's right.  We see the side of her naked butt and thigh.  As she pees.  On a stick.  On the toilet, on national television.  The Bravo crew are the first people to know she's preggers, and so are we, in a way.  She can't get ahold of Jason or anyone really, until she finally reaches a friend.  She's shocked, and doesn't seem too thrilled.  This wasn't planned, she's going to get fat, etc.  What a loving record for her unborn child!

12.  Jill is doing an event for Kodak and has invited LuAnn, Kelly and Ramoner.  I think "hello" is halfway out of Jill's mouth when Ramoner (wearing her Primo outfit) goes in for the kill:  "why did you choose Kodak?  Because they're antiquated.  They're in trouble financially."  Jill stares at Ramoner in disbelief before calling her a moron.  [Side note:  LOVED anon's comment "How LOW was Kodak's budget that they picked Jill Zarin as a spokesperson?"  Hahahahaha!] 

Ramoner quickly changes the subject to the fashion show, and how it hurt her feelings that Jill did not come backstage after.  Jill does some fakey-fake bullshit about "I didn't mean to snub you," when of course she did, but Ramoner is like a dog with a bone.  Jill is PISSED and tells Ramoner to leave.  She storms off to complain to LuAnn and does Ramoner leave?  HELL NO.  In fact, she's just getting warmed up!  

Kelly steps in to try to reason with Ramoner, but that doesn't work (duh) and guess what, I like Kelly's Pocahontas at the Disco cuff!  I really do.  Kelly calls Ramoner "incredibly rude" and walks off.  The cheese stands alone. 

Sonja shows up and LuAnn introduces her to Jill and Kelly.  There is an awkward conversation about Imaginary Boyfriend Max; awkward because both Sonja and Kelly have slept with him and LuAnn will not rest until she drives that point home.   Not having an elevator has never felt so good! 

Jill and LuAnn are all "Sonja, wait til you meet that nutjob Ramoner" and Sonja says "I know Ramoner!  We go way back!"  Then she tells the most awesome story about Ramoner stealing a dress from her at a sample sale a few years back. 

Sonja walks up to Ramoner, who is being ignored like a fart in church, and they start reminiscing about old times.  Sonja seems to be genuinely fond of her. 

Then the boring Kodak presentation starts and Jill is introduced onstage.  Ramoner thinks that this would be the perfect chance to start yelling in Kelly's face.  It is a fucking kamikaze mission--everyone is mad at her anyway, so why not just light everything on fire on the way down?  Ramoner LOSES it on Kelly, who is confused and flustered.  Jill has a frozen smile on her face, watching and listening to it all go down.  Ramoner finally gets chased off, leaving Kelly a jittery, blabbering mess.  Jill is furious and IT IS WAR.  You bet your sweet ass it is. 

Next week, Jill and Bethenny hate on each other more, Ramoner and Mario have their magical and unique recommitment ceremony, and Sonja talks about her youthful vagina.

Have at it!