What's up, hookers?
Thursday, April 15, 2010 I'm so happy to see you! I've gone through many personal changes since I last posted, and one of them is that I now watch Jerseylicious, High Society and reruns of Ghost Whisperer. All are unspeakably dreadful, and I am simultaneously pleased and deeply ashamed to add them to my tv-watching repertoire. Another big change: I called to reduce my cable service and was invited to sign up for the Premiere Package. !!!!! For those of you who don't know, it's a very exclusive upgrade which includes getting every channel on the planet for an ass-raping amount of money. How could I turn it down? I couldn't. I don't mean to brag, but I now have 5 channels of Filipino gameshows--the very definition of luxury.
I have missed you all like LuAnn misses the Count's offshore bank account, which is to say desperately. I read all of your comments during my break and was very touched by all of the kind words and expressions of mild suffering. To thank you for sticking with me, I give you a new photo of Jeff Lewis:
My favorite part is the bubble exclamation point.
Let's get to work!
1. Who's watching 9 by Design? STRESSFUL. I couldn't take it. When the 9 months pregnant Cortney was standing on the countertop in order to pack and move her 6 children to another, yet-to-be-determined apartment in a matter of days, my husband begged "Turn it! TURN IT!"
I did. Switched over to Parenthood and that was that.
I'll give the Novogratz fam another shot.
2. On tonight's Real Housewives of NYC, new Housewife Sonja Morgan makes her first appearance.
(click through if you can't see the video)
I'm taking bets on how soon she will describe herself as "the real Carrie Bradshaw." It's inevitable.
3. The lovely yet dirty-mouthed Mason of Movin 92.5 and I break down Bethenny's recent cry-a-thon below (warning: I act somewhat autistic on the phone and I pronounce Lanvin wrong).
Reader Comments (51)
Yaaaaaay! Missed you terribly. Was getting a little catonic during your hiatis. Not having your recaps has been torture. Please don't leave again....at least not during housewives season!
I too watched the 9 series. I thought the same thing when she got up on the counter (in heels, no less). Reminded me of my childhood when I always thought I was invincible and nothing bad could ever happen to me, only to realize later in life how many times I came close to killing myself. During the remainder of the show she kept on doing things that I had to cover my eyes to get thru. Not convinced with this show yet. They seem a little too "living on the edge" kind of people and I was not totally convinced most of it wasn't staged.....but willing to give it a few more episodes before I judge.
Ummmm.........what about the Housewives? I have trying to catch up and am getting tired of Jill's issues with Bethenny. Hating on the countess too.
And I have been needing me a little Jeff Lewis. When is Bravo going to make his show a year round thing? That would be brilliant. We could use a little less housewife and alot more of Flipping. Zoila makes me smile.
SGM - I am still a menopausal emotional mess, but now I am teary-eyed because of your return!! Loved your segment with Mason. Don't know where she broadcasts from, but in Chicago they would definitely have bleeped out some of that!
Bethanny's dad did indeed refuse to see her and he has since passed away.
Thank you so much for returning to our lives!
Oh yes--on-air it was bleeped!!! :) No worries about that! :) I should have edited the stuff i sent SGM cause now every one knows what a dirty mouthed whore I am!! BTW...the 9 by design...her children's names. OFF THE CHAIN. FIVE? Really? Seriously.
She shouldn't be on the counter 9-months-pregnant in heels, but what's the worst that could have happened? She'd fall and the baby would shoot out of the birth canal like a cannonball? Seriously, she's had 5 previously, that's exactly what would have happened.
Signed, Woman Who's Third Kid Basically Shot Out Like A Cannonball During A Normal Childbirth
Yes!!!!!!!! You're back! Now I'll go read.
Ok, didn't think I'd like 9 by Design AT ALL but found it interesting enough to watch next week. And what happens when you carry furniture etc. when you are 8-1/2 mos. pregnant? Well, apparently it causes you to bleed and requires you go to the hospital right away. Just stupid, stupid, stupid and no surprise malpractice premiums for ob's are so high.
Don't think I'm going to like Sonja which is the same way I feel about the majority of them so ho, hum.
SGM,
Thank the Gods above you are back, my life has been meaningless without you, but I do understand a much needed mental health break. Next to my weekly outings to Sephora, you are my only other heroin fix. I am still in rehab from the RHOC as they sucked every once of life out of me, so I have not been following the RHNY.
Thanks again for the fix.
Your Kabuki loving Muffy
FUCKIN-A you are back! Does anyone say "fucking-a" anymore? I kinda like it.
Dont put so much pressure on yourself, just 3 or 4 posts a week ought to do it.
Hello, SGM, Well Hello, SGM!!
It's so nice to have you back where you belong!!
You're sounding swell, SGM!!
We can tell, SGM!!
You're still glowin', you're still crowin' (I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT THAT MEANS SORRY IT WAS JUST PART OF THE SONG!)
You're still going strong!!
WELCOME BACK!! I MISSED YOU TERRIBLY!!!
I HOPE EVERYTHING IS OK ON THE HOME FRONT!!
Can't wait to read tonight's recap! And thank you for the JL pic - love him!
Hugs!!
Dude. Listen. I amdrunk, cuz I'm on amdeically induced period and it hurts.so listen. I am so glad your back. I am watching rhnyc, last weeks, and omg. Just omg.jill zarin needs bitchslapacrosstheface!ed. None of you will get htat. And also I just told ore internet strangers aboot my whorish vag. ABOOT! But at least my boobs both belong on the same rack. Yeeeeeaaahh.
YEA!!!!!!!! Don't you EVER go away for such a long time again! So much great RHoNY that needs recapping.
So glad to have you back!
So did you and Pretty on the Outside go off together? Veeerrryyy suspicious that you're both back on the same day.
So glad your back! Really 6 crazy women weren't enough? We need Seventh? Is someone getting the boot?
Kelly is another quarter of a person taller than Allie!
SGM...WTF? You can NOT EVER leave us again. Seriously, I should fly to you and kick your butt. Guess I"ll just have to wait until ourn next reunion, huh?
Now, with that being said.I hope whatever you left to do, you got your shit on straight and are back for however fuckin long the housewives last. So you better have that shit straight. GOT IT?
Who loves ya baby? Oh that's right.We do and I'm glad you're back. ((HUGS))
Thank goodness you are back.............I was really getting worried about you. Now get back to watching mindless TV shows and making me laugh with your comments and photos {{{{{{{{{SGM}}}}}}}}}}}
Hurrah, you're back! I was wondering where my darling chunk of sarcasm had been. And worried.
When I saw Sonja get her own title on the bottom of the screen and heard the "introduction" music start to play, I thought to myself, "Oh jesus, they really found another woman who thinks that doing such an awful show is a great freakin' swell idea?"
And then, within the first 60 seconds of her intro we learned that she's divorced, and she's okay with it, and she's single, and divorced, but still okay with being single and divorced, and loves sex, and loves to take care of herself, AND REALLY, SHE IS JUST PERFECTLY FINE WITH BEING SINGLE AND DIVORCED and sex. She loves sex. And plastic surgery. And Chanel. And sex. And sex with men, and not Chanel, but she'd probably do Chanel if given the chance..
And since that awesome little self-introduction by Sonja didn't have any sort of stench reeking of insecurity and desperation swirling around it, really- I'm quite worried that she simply won't fit on this show. Bravo, what were you thinking.
(Housewives so far have ended up divorced, feuding, crying in the middle of fashion shows, losing homes, and driving around in a VW bug with a gawdy logo tacked on the side. The show this season has made Alex and her leather-clad leprechaun of a Husband look normal. Why the heck would any sane, logical, levelheaded person still sign up for this shit? Whyyyyyyyy?)
Oh, and Jerseylicious is amazing. Blows my mind. Totally hooked, and even sucked Husband in with me. :|
Oh jesus christ. Ignore that. Let's talk instead about the giant balls that have grown on Jill. I can't remember all that she said at the show (for obvious reasons), but I remember her being completely, unnecessarily rude about not only the event, but everyone there. And sidenote - as someone who's had 2/3 of their thyriod removed, SLICE YA THROAT CLEAN OPEN!!! is just a weeeeee bit dramatic.
My favorite part was Kelly's PR lessons. FOR THE LAST GODDAMN TIME, someone snarking on you that you think you're Madonna is NOT ATTACKING YOU. Stupid drama llama. And, a full year later, continuing to bring it up while telling someone that they have a pretty dress is not exactly deflection. I predicted this, and sho nuff, it still doesn't make sense sober. Her hair and makeup looked fab in that scene though (at least through baileys goggles). Although she did indeed look like a linebacker.
Sonja = hermaphrodite
And all is right with the world...SGM is back!!! :)
So glad you are back to blogging! None of my friends watch the housewives so I need to come here to be with like minded people!!!!! There are no words for what I think of Jerseylicious. LOL
Happy Spring!!!!!!
sgm! we have the same "fargoescish" accent! i think you might have been over for a playdate in 1978, and you ruined my easybake oven?
so glad you are back...this really is a great start to the weekend. hope you are all refreshed and jumping through sprinklers!
so freaking happy you are back.
Hahahahah. Classic. You know she'll TOTALLY claim the Carrie B credit!! Or she'll say her and Candace Bushnell were AND are still BFF. I think Simon and Kelly are having a "thing" You don't care what another man is wearing unless you're doing him. Just sayin'...