The 'Live Like a Real Housewife' Sweepstakes! (home foreclosure not included)

Bravo has clued in to the fact that we are becoming less and less enchanted with the Housewives series and has made the wise decision to bribe us into watching:

Bravo's "The Real Housewives of Atlanta" is kicking off the "Live Like A Real Housewife" sweepstakes, with special Housewives style giveaways for fans, including a grand prize – a trip to Atlanta to attend the taping of the season two reunion special. Viewers who watch the series' fourth episode on Thursday, August 20 at 10 p.m. ET/PT will get the chance throughout the episode to enter to win prizes including a luxury spa treatment package, a designer bag, a $1000 shopping spree and more. Hotlanta, here you come!

As an added bonus, the semi-literate Kim will announce the winner's name at the end of the episode.

I hope Big Papa's wife wins.  Do you hear me, Andy Cohen?

I didn't even watch last night.  Sometimes you just have to let your man catch up with Entourage and watch the end of The Last Dragon for the 297th time.  Did you watch?  Tell.

"I'm gonna go kick her ass."

I like the way you think, Sheree! Sometimes you just have to surrender all sense of propriety and open a can of whup-ass on a bitch. We've all been there. Which reminds me--I'm so glad you own a gun now. I shall sleep better at night knowing that you, a person with a history of impulsive violence, are packing heat.

So it's the second episode of Real Housewives of Atlanta, and if your comments are any indication, you are already OVER it. Me too. But are we quitters? Are we going to stop watching this show and do something productive? NO. We are Americans, and what does America stand for if not guns and lady fights and a multitude of baby mamas? We will soldier on, and we (I) will watch this show even if we hate every goddamn minute of it. Here is the recap.

1. Sheree goes out for lunch with her friend Tania.

Sheree recounts her fight with the Top Level Executive and says "I wasn't scared, but the average person would have been scared."  Of course. 

NEXT.

2. Lisa and Ed are talking about having another baby. Lisa's original Ed baby (AJ? EJ?) is beyond adorable, so I don't know how she thinks she can improve on that, but ... I'm sorry. I'm having trouble focusing due to the, um, GUN SHOW.

WOW, Ed. Anyhow, Lisa's blatantly plugging her businesses during this conversation when the baby starts delivering some painful headbutts to her. Sadly, she doesn't take the hint.

3. NeNe calls Kim and asks for a sit-down with Sheree and Lisa. The panic in Kim's mascara-caked eyes is unmistakable. She claims that she cares about NeNe, but not those other two bitches. She convinces NeNe to meet with her alone at their "usual place," Cincos, which I'm guessing is a chain Mexican restaurant in a mall. (can you confirm MFAMB?)

4. Kim meets with her personal fashion designer, Dean Pardue, at her house.

Kim announces she's single (translation: NO MONEY), and bless his heart, he doesn't turn around and head back to his car. Instead, he follows her upstairs to her boudoir, where we all see a big pile of crap lying on her floor. Dean asks about it and she says with practiced nonchalance, "Dolce & Gabbana sends me shit from LA all day long." Note to Big Papa: CANCEL THE CREDIT CARDS. Good God, man.

Then we see Kim debating whether she should keep a $3500 purse she's not crazy about, and what about the $3000 belt that her assistant (!) thinks is a rip-off? She decides to buy both. "I shouldn't spend money like I used to," she sighs.  But don't feel sorry for her--"I will shovel shit all day long for Dolce & Gabbana," she tells the camera. Such fortitude. Brings a tear to my eye.

We then are treated to Kim trying on Dean's creations, or rather, Dean literally trying to shove Kim's tits into his skin tight ensembles while she tries not to burn him with her cigarette.

I tell you, these outfits would make a hooker blush.

GROSS.

5. Whose foolishness is next? Kandi's!

She's on the internet, getting upset about bloggers talking shit about her fiance. "That's the bad side of the entertainment business," she laments. "You're always being talked about."

Kandi, if it makes you feel any better, I had no idea you existed prior to RHOA.

Kandi calls her mom (who is probably writing those blogs) to be consoled. One of my favorite moments of this episode comes from this scene, when Kandi's mama shouts, "I TOLE YOU TO STAY OFF THOSE DAMN BLOGS!" Amen.

6. Sheree and Tania arrive at a shooting range in leather pants and stilettos. Apparently, Sheree wants to learn how to shoot a gun so that she can back up her belligerent personality. "I am a survivor," she proclaims as she aims for the target's "kitney."

7. NeNe and Kim meet up at Cincos. They drink and NeNe tries to figure out if what Sheree says is true--that Kim has been spreading rumors about her. Kim says that Sheree is a liar, and soon finds herself agreeing to meet with Sheree to confront her on this. Did you see her face when she it dawns upon her that this is a really bad idea? Anyhoo, they end up having a good time that culminates with Kim on NeNe's lap.

I have a feeling Kim's been on a lot of laps, if you know what I mean.

8. Kandi goes to the hair salon. We know there's something fishy going on with her engagement when she says that she didn't get a chance to tell her family about it before the word spread. Yeah, when you're as famous as Kandi, news travels fast.  I bet she had to flash her ring around for only a few weeks before it hit the blogs.

9. Lisa and Ed go to a fertility doctor to talk about risks of getting pregnant at Lisa's age (38?).

This is a perfect example of why healthcare costs are skyrocketing. LISA, GOOGLE IT. Jesus Christ.

10. Kandi is headed to her mom's and is NERVOUS. Mom diapproves of the engagement and Kandi knows she's going to get an earful. When Kandi arrives, it starts with her mom tiptoeing around the issue saying, "I feel like you could make a better choice" and ends with "It's bad enough with one babymama, but 4 babymamas? Mo' drama." FOUR babymamas? She has a point.

Kandi counters with "at least he's taking responsibility!" which sounds a bit crazy in light of the fact that the man apparently puts his penis in anything that moves. Her mother ends the argument with a classic line: "Don't worry about pleasing me; you just please yourself." Game, set and match to Mama.

11. Then there is an entirely too long scene devoted to Ed and Lisa getting ready to make babies (i.e. FOREPLAY). You know how I love Ed, especially topless Ed, but it is WEIRD and AWKWARD. It just felt like...filler. Ed and Lisa scenes are becoming the baby's breath of the FTD bouquet that is RHOA.

12. Kandi meets with famous producer Jazzy Pha and records a song for her album. Music helps her work out her problems. Yawn. Sorry Kandi, if that hurts your feelings, but I TOLE YOU TO STAY OFF THOSE DAMN BLOGS!

13. The meeting of NeNe, Sheree and Kim. NeNe and Sheree arrive first and sit bitch (which is my husband's way of saying that they sit on the same side of the table with no one across from them). The tone of this little gathering has been SET.

We see Kim arriving, and she tells the camera that she's not even sure why she came. She's trying to act cool, but she is without a doubt on the verge of diarrhea.

She sits across from NeNe and Sheree and puts on a helmet, trying to defray the tension with humor. "I thougth I'd wear my helmet in case you put your fuckin' heels in my head!"

Nice try, Kim, but nothing can distract NeNe and Sheree from the fact that they are prepared to EAT YOU ALIVE, wig and all.

The fight begins. Did Kim spread rumors about Gregg being broke? Did she tell everyone that Sheree was bouncing checks? Denials and f-bombs fly between Kim and Sheree.   Kim stands as if to leave, and convincingly appeals to NeNe, reminding her that she has been a good friend to NeNe while Sheree has been a complete asshole. Kim, in a bold move, comes around to the other side of the table, where NeNe tries to act as peacemaker.  But it all falls apart after Kim calls Sheree a "fuckin' liar" and Sheree calls Kim trailer trash.

Kim storms off.  Sheree makes the decision to kick Kim's ass, leaps up to grab her sweater (nothing's worse than getting chilly when administering a beatdown) and NeNe follows, yelling weakly, "I can't run in heels!"

And it's over.  The fight is "to be continued," although if you're one of those types who secretly opened your Christmas presents early and then rewrapped them, you can see the rest of the fight here here.

So what do you think?  Are you on board with this season of RHOA, or are you just hanging on until Flipping Out returns?  Tell me.

Who wants to talk about healthcare reform?

"But Sheree, we need to ban the underwriting practices that have made private insurance unaffordable. Now where the fuck is my Chardonnay?"

Yep. 

1.  This is exactly why Jessie never should have done NYC Prep.  Mark my words, she will never recover.

2.  Lisa Wu Hartwell and Ed get the boot from their home yet somehow have the cash to buy a 10 acre property.  I need to meet their financial planner!

3.  The tequila business is not doing well.

4.  Big Papa is really Teeny Tiny Papa with a great big crib.  Aw!

5.  Kim's 911 call.  Desperate, illogical, retarded, etc.

For those of you who can't read...

The beautiful Mason of Movin 92.5 in Seattle recently had me on her radio show to talk about the latest episode of Real Housewives of Atlanta. I was thrilled because Lord knows I could talk for HOURS about that shit.  I have posted the podcast here, but before you listen, be forewarned:

1. YES, the falsetto voice that keeps saying "I KNOW!" and "hee hee hee hee" and "like" every two seconds is me.  APPARENTLY, I take elocution lessons from Kelly Bensimon.

2. If any of you make fun of me, I will weep punch your gd lights out.

Enjoy.  (and thanks, Mason!)

photo of precious Dwight on a (filthy) tire swing at his 50th birthday courtesy of Essence.

RHOA Ep 1 Recap

Something to chew on

"I really appreciate all of your hard work, Anthony.  You are a true gentleman, and I shall sing your praises to the Altanta gentry."

"Why thank you, Ms. Whitfield.  You are simply delightful, and it was a pleasure working with you."

While I'm working on the recap for last night's magnificent Season 2 premiere of Real Housewives of Atlanta, let's discuss Sheree's guest appearance on Watch What Happens, as it will shed some light on her brawl with Anthony, a Top Level Executive (aka "Boo").

Sheree is in the Bravo clubhouse with Andy Cohen and Anthony is live on the phone to tell his side of the story.  Andy's first question (and maybe the only one?) is hands down, one of the best interview questions I have EVER heard, and it is said with all of the cross-eyed earnestness that Mr. Cohen can muster:  "'I eat bitches like you every day.'  What did you mean by that?"

WELL.  I would either burst into laughter or tears if that question was asked of me, but not Anthony.  He matches Andy's serious tone and says that as someone who has been in the entertainment industry for 22 years, he has worked with many personalities, but none as dominating and thankless as Sheree.  He reveals that his company was sponsoring the party for her--meaning Sheree was getting a $60,000 roses-thrown-at-your-feet and other narcissistic bullshit party FOR FREE. 

QUESTIONS:

1.  If you are getting a $60k party for free, do you have the right to bitch about not getting a helicopter?

2. If you are getting a $60k party for free, do you have the right to bitch about ANYTHING?

3.  Is is ever appropriate to shout "EAT ME, DARLIN'!" during a planning meeting that does not involve food?

Think about that, will you?  While you're thinking, I will treat you to a screen shot of Dwight getting ready to work out at the gym.  In a magenta fedora. 

Such a colorful fellow, that Dwight. 

To watch Sheree and Anthony's fight in its entirety, go HERE.