"We're gonna start bidding on this bitch for $2!"

OH GOD, how I love NeNe! She said this at a meeting for DeShawn's fundraiser, pretending to be the auctioneer after someone suggested that a date with Sheree be auctioned. Hahahaha! Good one, NeNe.

I know I am so far behind on the recaps for this show, but I just can't skip over them and start with tomorrow's episode. There are complicated storylines developing, and they must be deconstructed, discussed, and made fun of by yours truly.

Here's the quick and dirty on The Real Housewives of Atlanta:

EPISODE 2:

1. Kim throws an $18,000 birthday party for her 11 year old daughter Brielle. It involves a Hummer limo, several catered meals, a wedding cake flown in from California, endless gifts, a hotel stay, a fashion show and some sort of grown-up cocktail party. Oh, and a massage for Kim because because the party planner stressed her out. Poor thing.

The crowning moment is when Brielle receives a $1600 Louis Vuitton purse from Kim. What a fucking cheapskate! Why not the bigger size for $2200? Don't you love her? It's no surprise that Brielle is completely overwhelmed and acting like a spoiled brat, enough so that Kim has to pull her aside and say something along the lines of "what the hell is your problem?" Brielle rolls her eyes and bonks Kim on the head with a balloon. Kim gives a "what can you do?" shrug and smiles as Brielle runs off. You know the LV purse is already laying on the ground with frosting smeared all over it.

I almost forgot! Do you want to see Kim's birthday party outfit?

You can never have too much cleavage at an eleven year old's party!

2. DeShawn has an office (in a real office building!) for her foundation. Even the little plaque outside that says "The DeShawn Snow Foundation" can't hide the fact that this office is about as real as Kim's hair, which is to say TOTALLY FAKE. It is pristinely clean, with no pen, piece of paper or "World's Richest Lady" coffee cup in sight. We see DeShawn ostensibly taking notes on a laptop while interviewing someone to be her assistant, and she is irked when the applicant doesn't "know who I am." Tip to future applicants: ask DeShawn for an autograph upon meeting her. You'll be hired on the spot!

3. NeNe and Sheree have apparently talked and sorted out The Big Party Rebuff. There are no details. I'm not buying it for one second--they see each other at Brielle's cocktail party and act as fake as DeShawn's office to each other. Mark my words, NeNe's about to pounce.

EPISODE 3:

1. Kim, who smokes like a chimney throughout the entire episode, annouces that she wants to be a country singer. This is mostly based on the fact that people tell her she looks like Carrie Underwood and Faith Hill. Don't laugh--she's being serious. When NeNe, one of Kim's closest friends, hears that Kim wants to be a singer, this is her expression:

which is to say "are you fucking kidding me?" Yeah, I'm not sure Kim realizes that singers really have to sing. She's kind of jumped the gun with her album cover photo shoot

but she is working with mega-producer Dallas Austin, which is rock solid proof that Big Poppa is very powerful and is calling in a HUGE favor. Why is the media not getting on this Big Poppa business?! Who do you think he is?

When Kim meets with Dallas, she's chain smoking and drinking and blathering like an idiot.

When Dallas talks to the camera, his whole attitude is one of amusement, like "I'm a hip-hop producer and she wants me to do country? With these retarded songs that her kids' music teacher wrote?" Dallas is smart man--before he commits to anything, he tells Kim that she must visit a voice coach. From the previews, we all know how that turns out, but I'm tuning in to see Kim's reaction.

2. DeShawn's planning a fundraiser to support her foundation. She wants to raise $1 million in one night, which everyone (Sheree, Kim) thinks is ridiculous. DeShawn and Sheree have a little spat over DeShawn not personally calling Sheree to ask her to be part of the auction.

3. DeShawn makes a very consipicuous visit to church and writes a very conspicuous check for $15,000. YOU'RE RICH, DeShawn! WE GET IT.

4. Lisa has a make-up party (which is the Atlanta equivalent of the Real Housewives of NYC cooking party?) and tries to convince Sheree to participate in the auction. The make-up party actually looks pretty fun, until we see this part:

I swear, these women have to have a professional photographer to document their every move. What do they do with all of these creepy photos?

5. NeNe is at Kim's and does a hip-hop version of Kim's proposed first single called "Don't Be Tardy to the Party" (!!!) and it is AWESOME.

6. NeNe gets a letter from an aunt telling her that her father is not her real father.

The aunt also writes "I hear you have a nice house and a nice car," so maybe you could, you know, help a sister out? NeNe is shocked and upset by all of this. Her mom's not alive, so she calls the deadbeat who she has known as her father and he tells her "I've always had my doubts." NeNe's going to have a DNA test done to put the issue to rest.

7. There's a bunch of other stupid crap that went on with Lisa and Sheree, but you can live without it.

Watch more juicy drama unfold Tuesday night!

P.S. Guess which idiot forgot to record the Real Housewives of Orange County on Oprah? ME. If you watched it, please report.

"I've always wanted a Louis Vuitton birthday cake."

Oh, but of course you have, you obnoxious woman! In the premiere episode of Real Housewives of Atlanta, it's Sheree's birthday. You know, the one who's at the tail end of a long drawn-out divorce and looking for "a lump sum, some seven figures"? The one who claims she's down to earth, yet "can't live without [her] entourage"? And by entourage, she doesn't mean friends, she means her huge staff: a chef, publicist, hair and make-up people, a personal assistant (who is name-checked as Evander Holyfield's daughter), and some other unnamed dude who seems to be her event planner/butler/gay husband. Plus we see a maid roaming around in uniform more degrading than Zoila's. All of this help for someone who has no paying job.

Sheree's party was eerily similar to the parties featured on My Super Sweet Sixteen on MTV (particularly Jazmin's, which is SO worth watching). Sadly, Sheree is not turning 16, and her sense of entitlement and astonishing lack of humility are even less charming at age 38. More about her party later.

If you'd like to read more about Sheree in general, please visit this site for a lively and highly entertaining debate on Sheree's character from people who claim to know her. My favorite quote, directed at the whole cast (I think), is "the real women of Atlanta need to kick yall azz." FOR SURE.

Now that we've established that Sheree is a complete asshole, let's look at the others:

This is Lisa Wu Hartwell behind the wheel of her Hummer. She introduces herself as follows: "I am a real estate broker, a clothing designer, I also paint and make jewelry and I write movies and I'm an actress." And an astronaut! And unicorn tamer! Okay, okay, she didn't say those last two, but I couldn't resist the perfect set-up. If you thought Vicki from Real Housewives of OC was hyper, she's got nothing on Lisa. Lisa makes Vicki look like an invalid. She's also very tight with Sheree, so that's just another mark against her.

Next is Deshawn, who is married to NBA player Eric Snow and just moved into a ginormous mansion that is decorated like a model home (not a compliment, Deshawn). She seems very sweet, but then some incredibly dumb shit comes out of her mouth.

For example, her husband is out of town most of the week during basketball season. "It's hard when Eric's not here; I'm somewhat of a single parent," she laments and then Bravo's brilliant editing kicks in with Deshawn talking about how she's going to hire an estate manager, chef, executive housekeeper, maid staff, nanny and governess (yes that's right, a nanny and a governess). There's also a scene where her young kids are bouncing off of the walls and she leaves the room, saying "I'll be down in the [private] beauty salon if you need me." I'm sure single parents all over the country are crying her an effing river.

Ne Ne!

Poor Ne Ne was completely humiliated on national television by Sheree. Apparently Ne Ne and Sheree have a complicated history (think Jill Zarin and Ramoner), but Sheree invited Ne Ne to her birthday party. Ne Ne buys a new D&G dress, hires her favorite make-up artist, and is shown bubbling over with excitement about the party, but when she shows up to Sheree's, she gets turned away at the door because her name wasn't on the list. OOOOOOOOOOOH! Security is called! Cut to Sheree at the party, who glibly tells the camera it was "an accident." Cut to Ne Ne in the driveway, screaming for her car and justifiably furious and embarrassed. Instead of going out to rectify the situation herself, Sheree has her publicist apologize and invite Ne Ne in, which everyone knows is total bullshit move and just adding insult to injury. Sheree, I don't know Ne Ne personally, but if I were you, I'd sleep with one eye open. There will be PAYBACK, and it will be BLOODY. I can't wait!

Finally, Kim. I actually like her because there is no pretense of any type of work or productive activity. Her life and her luxury brand addiction is readily admitted and generously funded by her sugar daddy, aka Big Papa, who is a celebrity but doesn't want to be on camera. I, for one, am so curious as to who this dude is. Also, this is a wig, right?

I had two favorite Kim moments in this episode. First, when she changes into a one-of-a-kind Britney Spears c. 1999 streetwalker outfit at a gas station en route to Sheree's party.

"This is just not classy and I'm so classy" she says as she rolls her eyes and shimmies into her outfit. Gotta love a girl who can operate without a stick up her ass (SHEREE). But for real, who (aside from Kim Kardashian and porn stars) wears thigh high boots to a fancy party? WHO?

My other favorite Kim moment was when Kim's best pal Ne Ne was turned away at Sheree's party. This photo says it all:

However, I think Bravo could have more accurately dubbed it as "what-EVER!" Again, Bravo, you need me in your corporate offices. Major props to Kim for leaving with Ne Ne even though I'm sure she desperately wanted to stay. Any guesses as to how old Kim is? I was thinking 35-36, but she turned 30 during the taping of the show. Yikes. Isn't it interesting that the things people do to make them look younger actually end up aging them?

I am going to watch this show again, if only to see Ne Ne exact her revenge on Sheree. Don't disappoint me, Ne Ne girl!

Will you be watching?

One more thing--someone we all know and love is trying her hand at the recap game. This is what she has to say about Real Housewives of Atlanta:

These women are unapologetic, bringing it, blinging it, Prada-pumping, booty-jumping and letting everything hang out.

This show highlights the "Black Los Angeles" - the fortunate African American set of women who have married professional athletes, benefited from high-profile divorces or are seeded by their sugar daddies . . . .

Very interesting! Check out the rest of her review here.

For those you who haven't watched the show but want to, view it in its entirety here.