"I'm gonna go kick her ass."
Tuesday, August 11, 2009 
I like the way you think, Sheree! Sometimes you just have to surrender all sense of propriety and open a can of whup-ass on a bitch. We've all been there. Which reminds me--I'm so glad you own a gun now. I shall sleep better at night knowing that you, a person with a history of impulsive violence, are packing heat.
So it's the second episode of Real Housewives of Atlanta, and if your comments are any indication, you are already OVER it. Me too. But are we quitters? Are we going to stop watching this show and do something productive? NO. We are Americans, and what does America stand for if not guns and lady fights and a multitude of baby mamas? We will soldier on, and we (I) will watch this show even if we hate every goddamn minute of it. Here is the recap.
1. Sheree goes out for lunch with her friend Tania.
Sheree recounts her fight with the Top Level Executive and says "I wasn't scared, but the average person would have been scared." Of course.
NEXT.
2. Lisa and Ed are talking about having another baby. Lisa's original Ed baby (AJ? EJ?) is beyond adorable, so I don't know how she thinks she can improve on that, but ... I'm sorry. I'm having trouble focusing due to the, um, GUN SHOW.
WOW, Ed. Anyhow, Lisa's blatantly plugging her businesses during this conversation when the baby starts delivering some painful headbutts to her. Sadly, she doesn't take the hint.
3. NeNe calls Kim and asks for a sit-down with Sheree and Lisa. The panic in Kim's mascara-caked eyes is unmistakable. She claims that she cares about NeNe, but not those other two bitches. She convinces NeNe to meet with her alone at their "usual place," Cincos, which I'm guessing is a chain Mexican restaurant in a mall. (can you confirm MFAMB?)
4. Kim meets with her personal fashion designer, Dean Pardue, at her house.
Kim announces she's single (translation: NO MONEY), and bless his heart, he doesn't turn around and head back to his car. Instead, he follows her upstairs to her boudoir, where we all see a big pile of crap lying on her floor. Dean asks about it and she says with practiced nonchalance, "Dolce & Gabbana sends me shit from LA all day long." Note to Big Papa: CANCEL THE CREDIT CARDS. Good God, man.
Then we see Kim debating whether she should keep a $3500 purse she's not crazy about, and what about the $3000 belt that her assistant (!) thinks is a rip-off? She decides to buy both. "I shouldn't spend money like I used to," she sighs. But don't feel sorry for her--"I will shovel shit all day long for Dolce & Gabbana," she tells the camera. Such fortitude. Brings a tear to my eye.
We then are treated to Kim trying on Dean's creations, or rather, Dean literally trying to shove Kim's tits into his skin tight ensembles while she tries not to burn him with her cigarette.
I tell you, these outfits would make a hooker blush.
GROSS.
5. Whose foolishness is next? Kandi's!
She's on the internet, getting upset about bloggers talking shit about her fiance. "That's the bad side of the entertainment business," she laments. "You're always being talked about."
Kandi, if it makes you feel any better, I had no idea you existed prior to RHOA.
Kandi calls her mom (who is probably writing those blogs) to be consoled. One of my favorite moments of this episode comes from this scene, when Kandi's mama shouts, "I TOLE YOU TO STAY OFF THOSE DAMN BLOGS!" Amen.
6. Sheree and Tania arrive at a shooting range in leather pants and stilettos. Apparently, Sheree wants to learn how to shoot a gun so that she can back up her belligerent personality. "I am a survivor," she proclaims as she aims for the target's "kitney."
7. NeNe and Kim meet up at Cincos. They drink and NeNe tries to figure out if what Sheree says is true--that Kim has been spreading rumors about her. Kim says that Sheree is a liar, and soon finds herself agreeing to meet with Sheree to confront her on this. Did you see her face when she it dawns upon her that this is a really bad idea? Anyhoo, they end up having a good time that culminates with Kim on NeNe's lap.
I have a feeling Kim's been on a lot of laps, if you know what I mean.
8. Kandi goes to the hair salon. We know there's something fishy going on with her engagement when she says that she didn't get a chance to tell her family about it before the word spread. Yeah, when you're as famous as Kandi, news travels fast. I bet she had to flash her ring around for only a few weeks before it hit the blogs.
9. Lisa and Ed go to a fertility doctor to talk about risks of getting pregnant at Lisa's age (38?).
This is a perfect example of why healthcare costs are skyrocketing. LISA, GOOGLE IT. Jesus Christ.
10. Kandi is headed to her mom's and is NERVOUS. Mom diapproves of the engagement and Kandi knows she's going to get an earful. When Kandi arrives, it starts with her mom tiptoeing around the issue saying, "I feel like you could make a better choice" and ends with "It's bad enough with one babymama, but 4 babymamas? Mo' drama." FOUR babymamas? She has a point.
Kandi counters with "at least he's taking responsibility!" which sounds a bit crazy in light of the fact that the man apparently puts his penis in anything that moves. Her mother ends the argument with a classic line: "Don't worry about pleasing me; you just please yourself." Game, set and match to Mama.
11. Then there is an entirely too long scene devoted to Ed and Lisa getting ready to make babies (i.e. FOREPLAY). You know how I love Ed, especially topless Ed, but it is WEIRD and AWKWARD. It just felt like...filler. Ed and Lisa scenes are becoming the baby's breath of the FTD bouquet that is RHOA.
12. Kandi meets with famous producer Jazzy Pha and records a song for her album. Music helps her work out her problems. Yawn. Sorry Kandi, if that hurts your feelings, but I TOLE YOU TO STAY OFF THOSE DAMN BLOGS!
13. The meeting of NeNe, Sheree and Kim. NeNe and Sheree arrive first and sit bitch (which is my husband's way of saying that they sit on the same side of the table with no one across from them). The tone of this little gathering has been SET.
We see Kim arriving, and she tells the camera that she's not even sure why she came. She's trying to act cool, but she is without a doubt on the verge of diarrhea.
She sits across from NeNe and Sheree and puts on a helmet, trying to defray the tension with humor. "I thougth I'd wear my helmet in case you put your fuckin' heels in my head!"
Nice try, Kim, but nothing can distract NeNe and Sheree from the fact that they are prepared to EAT YOU ALIVE, wig and all.
The fight begins. Did Kim spread rumors about Gregg being broke? Did she tell everyone that Sheree was bouncing checks? Denials and f-bombs fly between Kim and Sheree. Kim stands as if to leave, and convincingly appeals to NeNe, reminding her that she has been a good friend to NeNe while Sheree has been a complete asshole. Kim, in a bold move, comes around to the other side of the table, where NeNe tries to act as peacemaker. But it all falls apart after Kim calls Sheree a "fuckin' liar" and Sheree calls Kim trailer trash.
Kim storms off. Sheree makes the decision to kick Kim's ass, leaps up to grab her sweater (nothing's worse than getting chilly when administering a beatdown) and NeNe follows, yelling weakly, "I can't run in heels!"
And it's over. The fight is "to be continued," although if you're one of those types who secretly opened your Christmas presents early and then rewrapped them, you can see the rest of the fight here here.
So what do you think? Are you on board with this season of RHOA, or are you just hanging on until Flipping Out returns? Tell me.
Reader Comments (24)
I can't get on board. These bitches are terrible.
I TOLE YOU TO STAY OFF THOSE DAMN BLOGS! Jeff yells that at me every damn night.
Yeah, I'm really over Atlanta HW. It's turned into a nonstop cat fight and name calling fiasco. It's good drama when a couple of the women are having a disagreement but this shit is too much. And I can't believe that Kim has become almost likeable so it's definitely time to move on. There's no one on this show to even care about and after NeNe's appearance on Andy's Watch What Happens last week that totally pissed me off for good.
Next week these bitches won't even matter - Flipping Out, Top Chef Las Vegas, Project Runway finally starts on Lifetime and then Rachel Zoe. This HW franchise is lost and no one will miss them. I think Project Runway will be on at the same time on Thursdays so no down time for me.
ugh so over it,
was never really on board during season 1 as far as Atlanta.
i curse with the best of them but the constant bleep bleep bleep and fighting.,,boring!
Bring on Jeff!
By far the best moment of the show for me (wait, I sound like Randy Jackson now - "For me, for you, it wasn't really your best for you") was when Kim was trying on those 'ho couture dresses and we caught a glimpse of a portrait of her in the background. Naked. In her own bedroom. Not that I have any idea where else you would hang a naked portrait of yourself in your own home, but I think someone should call Kim and inform her that she is not, in fact, Samantha Jones from Sex in the City. But the rest of you fools should rewind the DVR and watch it six or seven times like I did so you too can fall off the couch laughing. And if anyone comes in a tries to stop you, just yell "Who gonna' check me boo??!!" at them.
i will still watch unfortunately. i am pretty helpless and pathetic when it comes to trainwreck television. i have no will power here.
but as you asked about cincos. i actually had never heard of it. but i googled and there are 3 chains north of atlanta (which is where these vag boogers live) i am assuming the one they went to is this one :http://www.cincomexicancantina.com/locations/alpharetta.php
it's a chain.
I am not a quitter, and will watch until the end!
I am also thinking of moving to to the ATL area and get giddy at the thought of running into one of the "housewives" around town, or perhaps getting a good deal on one of the many houses these bitches have foreclosed on....
Given all the hype surrounding this season of RHOA, I must say I'm bored as HELL!! The constant bitching, the scripted cat fights, the wet mop (aka. Kandi). Plus, what happened to these ladies during their hiatus, especially NeNe?? It seems like their 15 minutes of fame really got to their heads. They were my favorite Housewives. Now, they don't even bother with "keeping it classy". They're just plain ol' messy! I'm over it! NEXXXT!!!!
I'm still going to continue to watch because I LOVE a good ol'fashioned hot mess when it comes to entertainment but.....ed&lisa are beginning to get to me.
I think of Ed&Lisa as the better looking and better dressed version of RHONY's Alex&Simon. They're really over-doing it with their coupley-ness.
As for Kandi, I used to be a big fan of hers when she was in Xscape and I really respect her writing and producing skills (she actually has a legitimate profession and talent unlike the others) but I don't really like her on the show.
I'm still going to be with RHOA even with the drama and such. I have seen some epis of Flipping Out, but since I'm not a homeowner and am in no position to be one, I haven't stayed with it.
Glad the Rachel Zoe Project was renewed.
With a lot of these Bravo shows, it's all premise, and the follow-through consists of just repeating the premise over and over. Sort of like an SNL skit. RHOA is a case in point: One season was enough to "get it." (And Kandi seems unconnected to the other cast members, so what's the point of her?)
The other problem is that with second and third seasons, self-consciousness sets in, and the stars are all mostly just playing to the cameras, and there's no spontaneity anymore. (That may be a problem with the hammy Jeff Lewis: it's going to be all performance now, nothing genuine.)
EXCELLENT RECAP--Thanks! Missed the end of that one.
Ok, so the show is hideous, but it is a train wreck waiting to be wacthed. I can't help it!
This is an absolutely great line: Ed and Lisa scenes are becoming the baby's breath of the FTD bouquet that is RHOA.
Ed and Lisa scenes are becoming the baby's breath of the FTD bouquet that is RHOA Best line ever. Thank you for that!!!
I used to live in Atlanta. These women, by all accounts online, do not live in Atlanta. They live about 30 miles north of Atlanta. When I lived there, I was smack in town. And anyone who lived out where they these women did were said to live in "Greenville," as in Greenville, South Carolina. So the name of this show needs to be changed.
The fact that Dishawn didn't come back speaks volumes. She and her husband were nice and classy, and probably didn't want to be associated with this garbage anymore.
I cannot stand Lisa, not because of her being boring or corny, but because I think she's a major troublemaker, liar, and instigator. She's probably the worst on this show. It's always the one you least suspect...
well, just because I'm over it doesn't mean I'm not watching anymore. SIGH.
how -- in this day and age -- is even possible to have FOUR babymamas. SERIOUSLY. get the man some freebies from the health clinic, PLEASE.
Did you hear Ed & Lisa got foreclosed on? True story.
I am over it but I will keep coming back.
Then the bitch I love to hate will be on and I will be addicted to the damn Rachel Zoe Project.
Oh damn. I didn't go far enough in my damn Google Reader to find out you stole my thunder on Ed & Lisa.
Lisa and Ed:
--Lost their house (in which they'd installed a bowling alley)
--Ed is out of work
--They're trying to have another baby
Good thinking, you two.
Is it cultural or do I just not have the kind of friends that would sit, quietly and nod as I recapped a business meeting which quickly became....I'm not even sure what you would call that scene. But then I've never had a friend teach me how to hold a gun and for that matter tell me to 'love on that piece of steele' or whatever Tania was cooing about.
These women are charmless and spectacularly vulgar. I don't understand Sheree's appeal at all. What does she offer anybody? At least Kim is fun.
They are a waste of my time ..and I'll be watching the next episode.
Megan, you're right. You could use friends outside your demographic. Go for it. Love yourself some steel. Leave the bungalow, see the world.
I'm so over it. I enjoy your recaps much more than the actual show.
I couldn't get over Sheree in those leather pants. Did they not have a three way mirror in the store when she bought those?
Come on over and check out the Real Housewives of Atlanta related post I did today....I thought of you when I made the connection!
http://freshpalette.blogspot.com/2009/08/new-on-market-buckhead-home-with.html
I'm gonna stick with it for now - just the idea that these women live about 40 miles up the road yet a world away keeps me watching. Oh and I did notice that nekid (as we say down here) portrait of Kim in her bedroom too - ugh and vomit.
Sit Bitch - you hubby is awesome!
Cinco's must be owned by Tim and Eric.