Today

we begin the difficult process of preparing ourselves for the emotional Flipping Out reunion and saying farewell to Jeff Lewis for now.  Brace yourselves and please watch:

(RSS users and email subscribers, click through for video)

I HAVE SO MUCH TO SAY ABOUT THIS, but I will refrain until I see the reunion in its entirety. 

Okay, WAIT, let me just say this before I burst:  my darling, precious Jeff, demanding an apology never works.  Ever.  The only thing you get is an insincere apology and/or resentment.  Go ahead, double-check with your therapist.  I'm right. It hurts me to watch you flail like this when Ryan so clearly does not give a fuck.

Lots of you have been buzzing about the negative article about Jeff in the nytimes.  I can't view it (LONG STORY), so will someone summarize for me?

Something that will distract you from the troubles of our dearest El Jeffe: RHOA's Kim and NeNe (aka Heffah and Moose) are friends again.  If they can reconcile, then there is hope for Jeff and Ryan. And the Middle East, now that I think about it.

ALSO, Kim flashed her beav to the paparazzi.  What took her so long?  Not only is it HIGHLY NSFW but it could potentially result in serious eye and brain injuries.  You've been warned; PROCEED IF YOU DARE.  (thanks to ~m.)

Who has an extra two grand?

I do, of course, but I plan to spend it on flavored cheese and lotto tickets.  YOU, however, could have this baby hanging over your bed in a matter of days:

All proceeds donated to animal rescue organizations.  Bidding ends on Wednesday, so GET BUSY.

If that's too rich for your blood, please consider joining Jeff Lewis' Karmic Angels. 

It's only $10, which is a low price to pay considering you're helping save JLew's eternal soul. Click here for details (or to contact me with any photoshop work you may have; as you can tell, I am extremely gifted).

Thank you.

The Results are In!

The results to the extremely complicated Flipping Out Charity Fundraiser and/or Drinking Game have been calculated.

After the following people pay their $10 to charity, they will magically and instantaneously become charter members of Jeff Lewis' Karmic Angels:

LLM

Zakary

Jenn

Gayhooker (he didn't officially commit but I'm hoping that this will pressure him into it)

Sarah

Minus 75

Tinki

Style & Grace (pressure!)

SGM

Kathryn

(if you don't already have a pet charity, get on that shit!  Here are a few national ones with high ratings:  Susan G Komen for the Cure, The Humane Society, Big Brothers Big Sisters.  For more, see charitynavigator.com.)

Congratulations!  Thank you all so much for playing.  For those of you who didn't play, it's not too late.  Leave me a comment if you'd like to donate $10 and belong to the club too.  Here is the breakdown:

EVENTS

1.  Jeff pops a breath mint or uses binaca/breath spray.  No, but SO CLOSE.  Sarah squirts some binaca in her mouth, offers some to Jeff who accepts the offer but the scene ends before he actually squirts.

2.  Jeff says the word "feelings."  No.  He's finished with feelings. 

3.  Jett wears his hair in a bun or topknot.  No, just the standard pony.

4.  Sarah chews gum.  DUH.  Easy money. $1

5.  Jenni wears her glasses.  Yes.  $1

6.  Jeff says the words "Vlad" and the word "liar" or any derivative thereof in the same scene.   No.  No Vlad (in person, at least) at all in this episode (thank you Bravo editors).

7.  Zoila says "Jeffrey."  No.  But I did love it when she mutters "what a bad boy!" about him.

8.  Tears from anyone.  No.  Almost tears from JLew himself, which was VERY unexpected, not to mention upsetting.  He was talking about not knowing if he'd be at another party of Chloe's again.  He had to look away from the camera to compose himself. 

I just ate a Kit-Kat (fun size) and some Smarties to help myself deal with this.

9.  Trace makes an appearance.  Yes, mysterious as ever.  $1

10.  Dale is silent for the entire episode.  Dale speaks!  Jeff asked Ryan (jokingly)(I think) if Dale was bipolar, but I would actually diagnose Dale as being clinically depressed.  Or he's just nervous/pissed that his life is a spectacle thanks to Ryan and Jeff.  $1

11.  Jenni or Jeff says the word "date."  No.

12.  Chaz makes an appearance.  Yes.  His segment (as well as Buena Park) was one big commercial for Jeff Lewis Design.  $1

13.  Jeff takes a sip of a drink.  YES.  Of course, yes.  $1

Look at all of those straws!

 14.  Anyone wears a hat.  Yes, Jenni.  Ballcap when she was practicing for her lizard act.  Did you all love that as much as I did?  Jenni is a Good Person.  $1

15.  Jeff curses (evidenced by the bleep).  Many times.  My favorite was when he discovered that 3 year old Chloe's party didn't have valet and said "what a shit party this is," to Zoila.  $1

16.  Jeff fires someone, anyone.  No, although I thought he was going to murder the workers who were napping in the front yard of his new client.

17.  Jeff talks to any of his realtors, on the phone or in person.  Yes.  $1

18.  Jeff drops the price of Valley Oak.  YES.  Then someone puts in a pretty decent offer.  Then he decides he doesn't want to sell it.  Then he asks his realtor/sister-in-law (who apparently busted her ass on this listing) to stay for drinks to celebrate.  I'm pretty sure that off-camera, she kicked him in the balls.  $1

19.  Ryan rolls his eyes.  Technically, no.  But I am SURE he did off-camera, when Jeff called him to see if he would sell Jeff his "embryos on ice."

20.  Jeff wears the green Lacoste shirt (SO SEXY).  NO.  But did you see the white shirt with the white alligator?  Very nice.

Love and spider bombs to you all!

The Flipping Out Season 3 Finale Charity Fundraiser and/or Drinking Game

 

The Flipping Out season finale is tonight, and I'd like to make it meaningful, you know?  More meaningful than it already is.  Thus, I have created the Flipping Out Finale Charity Fundraiser and/or Drinking Game.

Here are the rules: 

For those of you who wish to participate in the charity fundraiser, I will post a list of certain events (see below).  If one of them happens during tonight's Flipping Out finale, players will owe one dollar to the charity of his/her choice.  For example, "Jeff wears the green Lacoste shirt" (SO SEXY) is on my list.  If Jeff wears said shirt in tonight's episode, then players will owe one dollar to charity. If we see Jeff in the green shirt in two different scenes, you still only owe one dollar; it is the initial instance that counts. 

Let me know in the comments if you want to play.  Tomorrow, I will post the total amount that everyone owes (we will all owe the same amount and it will be no more than $20) and I will provide links to some reputable charities.  I will also list your name/link and you will receive membership in the exclusive group known as Jeff Lewis' Karmic Angels.

There is also the option to play the drinking game (with the charity or in lieu of the charity).  Each and every time an event happens, you take a drink.  If Jeff appears in the green Lacoste twice in two different scenes, you take two drinks.  Personally, I'm not playing because I am way too old for that shit.  Use your best judgment.  Or play with diet Coke.

There is no entry deadline.

Got it?  Good.  Let's play!

EVENTS:

1.  Jeff pops a breath mint or uses binaca/breath spray.

2.  Jeff says the word "feelings."

3.  Jett wears his hair in a bun or topknot.

4.  Sarah chews gum.

5.  Jenni wears her glasses.

6.  Jeff says the words "Vlad" and the word "liar" or any derivative thereof in the same scene.

7.  Zoila says "Jeffrey."

8.  Tears from anyone.

9.  Trace makes an appearance.

10.  Dale is silent for the entire episode.

11.  Jenni or Jeff says the word "date."

12.  Chaz makes an appearance.

13.  Jeff takes a sip of a drink.

14.  Anyone wears a hat.

15.  Jeff curses (evidenced by the bleep).

16.  Jeff fires someone, anyone.

17.  Jeff talks to any of his realtors, on the phone or in person.

18.  Jeff drops the price of Valley Oak.

19.  Ryan rolls his eyes.

20.  Jeff wears the green Lacoste shirt (SO SEXY).

That's it.  We're going to make a difference, you guys!  Leave your comment and let's GET IT ON. 

See you tomorrow!

"She goes where the dirt is."

Oh how I wish there was some dirt in this episode of Flipping Out.  Instead, we were treated to scenes devoted to roombas, Vlad, and homeless politics.  This translates into snoozefest, annoyance, and DOWNER.  Let me break it down for you (very briefly).

1.  Jeff buys a roomba to "intimidate" and "put some pressure" on Zoila.  It starts out as a joke but Jeff quickly becomes quite taken with the roomba; he watches it, talks about it, laughes at its antics.  I found this confusing; is this supposed to be entertaining?  Watching a man (albeit a very hot one) watch his vaccuum cleaner?

Sadly, this confusion is familiar to me.  I have two people in my life who have roombas and they will--appropos of nothing--bring up them up repeatedly in conversation.   They chuckle about the roomba as if it were a beloved pet.  They watch the roomba like the rest of us watch tv (drooling and trance-like).  One of the roombas even HAS A NAME (Alice, if you must know).  Frank and I have had a specific discussion about what the FUCK is the deal with people and their roombas.

Can anyone step up and explain this phenomenon/cult?  Or is it "a roomba thing...you wouldn't understand"?  I mean, honestly, it can't even be that great of a vaccuum; the bag must need to be emptied constantly.

Oh God, I have just wasted three (now four) paragraphs of our lives on roomba.  ENOUGH.

2.  Jeff Lewis, as much as you are tired of bickering with Vlad, WE ARE MORE TIRED.  I felt indescribable relief when you finally called your own people to finish Vlad's job.   

3.  I forgot--Jett makes Zoila cry. 

Jett was teasing her Lewis-style (i.e. harshly) about the possibility of her losing her job and Zoila was feeling particularly vulnerable.  Jeff is at first bewildered by the display of emotion but then shows some real compassion after Jenni takes the lead.  Jett apologizes and everything is fine.  (how CUTE is that pup comforting Zoila?)

4.  The homeless issue is set up by showing Jeff immediately locking his car door when he pulls up next to a panhandler at an intersection (I do that too!  But I try to do it out of earshot of the person because I don't want to hurt feelings/incite anger).  Jenni wants to give the guy some money and Jeff has a mini freak-out and asks her not to give money to them EVER while she's in his car.  "Don't do it, Jenni, because I don't want to be carjacked," he says.  To the camera, Jeff lists his phobias:  clowns, drag queens and homeless people.  Good to know.

THEN, we learn that Jeff's client Chaz has been allowing a homeless woman/man (VAGUE) named Spirit to live on the Cole property.  Jenni's all "it's such a beautiful story; it gave me chills," and gets our hopes up, but then it turns out to be a kooky Chaz story.  In short, a few years ago, Chaz was meditating about real estate and asked for a "sign" when he reached the perfect property.  When he shows up at Cole, a person sitting on the steps introduces herself as Spirit, and Chaz interprets it as a big flashing neon sign from the universe that he should buy it.  Chaz finishes telling the story with a big flourish, perhaps waiting for Jeff to clutch his chest with emotion and maybe even break down, but of course this never happens.

Jeff is not only underwhelmed by the story but he is disturbed by the fact that Spirit has made a garden area at Cole into her own personal toilet for the past 12 years.  "I know the smell of human feces because I have had experience with human feces," Jeff explains.  He's telling the truth, Chaz!  Another problem--a large picture window looks directly into Spirit's unkempt living quarters.  Jeff doesn't see how Chaz's high end clients will go for that and tells this to Chaz, who turns teary and defensive.

Jeff later jokes about it to his contractor.  "TAKE ALL THE TRASH YOU SEE take spirit AND THROW IT OUT. Just put her in the driveway. LESS IS MORE applies to homeless people too."  It is pretty funny.

Jeff wants to appease Chaz and proposes an improved location for Spirit, one that would upgrade her living conditions and also not be in the direct line of vision of clients.  Everyone is happy.

Then Spirit dies.  Cue dramatic music and coroner's truck.  Jeff casually breaks the news to Jenni and Sarah at Valley Oak, and says "just so you know, I had nothing to do with it.  You were with me last night.  So if anyone asks you--."  Bitch is building an alibi! I admit it, I giggled.  But then Jenni basically calls him an emotional retard and tells him not to joke.  JLew sobers up.

Next Jeff tells the camera that anytime someone you know dies, it causes you to face your own mortality.  He reveals that his own mom died at age 39, which just breaks my heart into a thousand pieces.  He says that death makes you think about who is important, and he picks up the phone to call Ryan.  !!!!!!!!!!!!  THE END.

Tonight is the season finale, can you believe it?  I think I might need counseling, or at the very least, some cake or alcohol.  Check back later; I'll be announcing an activity for us to commemorate the end of Season 3.