"I have trouble communicating my feelings."

Oh baby, not when you speak the language of ROFLMAO.

Did anyone else (with a weak bladder) almost PISS their PANTS at the antics of Deb and Jeff on Tuesday night?  I tell you, there was one part that was so hilarious that I was tempted to make a bootleg so that we could re-live it over and over and pee all over our office chairs together.  But that would be illegal, so of course I didn't.  Ahem.* 

Here is your Flipping Out recap:

1.  Jeff and Ryan EMOTE all over the place.  Separately, of course.  Jeff feels betrayed by his best friend of 10 years.  Ryan hates that Jeff doesn't trust him and that he's forced to go through all of Jeff's OCD paranoid bullshit again. 

All of this tension and expression of feelings are VERY DISCONCERTING to me.  Can't they stay together for the children (i.e. all of us)?

2.  At Valley Oak, Jenni brings out her alter ego, Deb (as seen here) and solves a problem for Jeff. 

This, in itself, is majorly LOL.  LOVE Deb.  But it gets better.  "You just earned your money for today," Jeff tells Jenni. "You don't have to do anything else for the day.  Just like Zoila. You can screw around for the rest of the day."  Then he does this beautiful, perfectly timed sidelong glance, and catches Zoila lurking in the doorway, listening.

Cue the peeing of the pants.  This man.  He has taken it to the next level, that level being HEAVEN. 

2.  Jeff visits Vlad (sans sleeves) at Buena Park.  Jeff, who is in a pissy mood due to the high level of feelings in his bloodstream, jumps all over Vlad for being "the opposite of professional" (remember this for later).  He's not getting shit done on time, which costs Jeff's client money.  Vlad is giving Jeff a bunch of excuses for why there are no workers at the site, including "they are coming from Colarada." 

"Colorado?"  Jeff clarifies.  What an asshole thing to do, to mock a foreign dude's accent, but as a resident of Colorado, I did appreciate the correction.  There might have even been a bark of laughter on my part, and then again when Jeff asked if there were any construction workers in LA, ones that "aren't commuting from Colarada."  ASSHOLE.  But funny.

3.  Ryan's putting in a pool at his house in order to put it on the market.  My chest constricts with panic every time I think about Ryan moving to Santa Barbara. 

"Don't move," I whisper to the tv.

4.  Trace, accompanied by gum smacker Sarah, orders tile for Vlad at Buena Park.  I have very warm feelings for Trace.  He never gives Jeff the satisfaction of a smile or a blush of embarrassment, even when Jeff is working overtime for it.  Poker face Trace.

5.  Jeff starts picking at Jenni in the car.  She's not focussed on her work with him, she's distracted by auditions and calls from her agent.  "It's always been a struggle," complains Jeff.  Blah, blah, BLAH.  Jenni's heard this shit a hundred times before, yet she listens to him with unbelievable patience and reassures him that she is committed to her job with him.  She then explains to the camera that Jeff's been a little testy since his confrontation with Ryan. 

Jenni Pulos, you listen to me: stop enabling him.  Next time, turn the tables on that bitch and tell him that his Flipping Out schedule is interfering with the design business.  I mean, he's tweeting, facebooking, traveling and being interviewed all of the time.  He's gone a lot.  He probably spends a lot of time during business hours reading emails from his fans.   Is he committed to the design business or show business?  Tell him to put that in his pipe and smoke it.

6.  Sarah takes Jeff's credit card home, which is a huge no-no.  As punishment (his word, not mine), Jeff makes her wear a crappy $4 painter's smock to wear around town while they run errands. 

"Embarrassment works," he explains.

Sarah belts the smock, trying to make it look cuter, but only succeeds in creating a bunching in the crotch.  While at the Cole jobsite, Jeff announces in front of everyone, "YOU HAVE A CAMELTOE!"

Jeff.  You cannot say this to an employee.  Do you hear me, mister?  Not only is it "the opposite of professional," but it is harrassment.  Harassment that is RECORDED ON CAMERA.  If Sarah had half a brain, she could SUE your sweet ass.  As punishment, I am going to require that you give Vlad (or me, your choice) a one hour, full (NAKED) body massage.

7.  Jenni gets the smock punishment too, for not entering a check in the register.  She insists that she did.  "He forgets, and I pay" she says.  "Who cares." I DO, JENNI.  I care. 

8.  Vlad doesn't have enough tile to finish the shower--an expensive mistake.  Is it Vlad's fault for measuring wrong, or Trace's fault for ordering the wrong amount?  Vlad, Trace and Sarah are at Buena Park, sweating bullets, waiting for Jeff to arrive.  There's a lot of blah blah blah, but Jeff basically determines that he hates Vlad, therefore Vlad is responsible for the mistake.

(Sarah, spit out the GUM.)

9.  Ryan picks out tile for his swimming pool.   Such a turn on.  Srsly.  That's gonna be a beautiful pool.

10.  At Cole, Frank the contractor puts on some music and Jenni just turns that mother OUT. 

She's dancing magnificently, and everyone is cracking up, especially Jeff.  "If you can entertain me on a daily basis, that's your job security."

THEN, he folds a dollar bill lengthwise and hands it to a construction worker, insinuating that he should stick it in Jenni's pants. 

You are an employment lawyer's wet dream, Jeff Lewis.

11.  Jeff visits Ryan's house while Ryan is at work to "see how the pool is going."  Obviously, he's trying to reach out in his emotionally stunted way.  Chloe is napping, Dale is distant.  Jeff has no idea how to handle the situation, so after he takes a brief look at the pool, he sits on the steps and checks his phone, while Jenni talks to Dale.  It's painful. 

To the camera, Jeff basically cuts open his chest and throws his heart on the table.  He says that he's not only losing his best friend Ryan, but also Dale and Chloe.  He mentions his feelings again, and says "at first I was mad.  Now I'm afraid.  I'm afraid of not having them in my life.  They're my family."

 What can I say after that?  I love this show.  Your turn--communicate your feelings.

*Let's say that hypothetically, I did create a bootleg clip of said hilarious scene.  If you don't have cable and would be interested in such a thing, you can contact me via the form on the right.  Hypothetically, of course.

I love to hear him giggle

You have to sit through a little grumpiness first, but it's worth it:

(click through if you can't see video)

Oh, honey.

My heart just breaks to see you struggle so.  Believe me, I want nothing more than to clutch you to my bosom while you weep, but that isn't what you need right now.  No, what you need is some straight-talk about your behavior in the latest episode of Flipping Out. 

Let's start with Skytop owners Brad and Seana.  What a couple of goddamn crazy nitpickers.  You'd think a comedian and a stripper would be a little more laid-back, wouldn't you?  Jesus. When Brad went over his two acre yard with a fine tooth comb and triumphantly presented you with the Petty Tray of Tiny Pieces of Construction Trash, I was forced to avert my eyes.  Could. not. watch.  How about the carefully crafted flower he made from scraps of electrical wire?  What a little bitch.  He wanted you to share in his ridiculous rage, and THANK GOD you didn't fall for it.  Sweetheart, karma gave you a taste of your own medicine and you swallowed it like a man.  You were uncharacteristically calm and conciliatory, and I was so proud of you. 

(Can you you imagine stumbling upon one of Brad and Seana's "afternoon delights"?  Just the thought of all of that soft, pasty flesh banging away (thwack, thwack, thwack) makes me want to stab myself in the eye with the pointy end of that goddamn wire flower.  You know they critique each other when they're finished.)

Now for the tough part--Ryan. 

I'm just going to come out and state the obvious:  you are still in love with him.  I don't blame you.  He's adorable and emotionally stable.  He gets you.  We all saw the raw emotion on your face when you talked about if you hadn't "fucked things up [with Ryan]," Chloe could be your baby.  Part of me was shocked at your candor and the other part of me pictured you watching this scene with Zoila and high-fiving her, saying "that's Academy Award material right there, baby!" 

Remember when you said that anger stems from hurt?  You said that in a joking way, a little verbal eye-roll for your therapist, and honestly, your delivery made me want to wrap my arms (not to mention legs) around you.  Mmmmmm.   But, as always, behind your joke lies the truth.  I think your anger toward Ryan is nothing but a mask for your pain.  It hurts you to see Ryan happy and fulfilled without you.  Plus, he apparently enjoys his design business while you get stuck working for TOTAL ASSHOLES/DEADBEATS.

I agree that Ryan should have shared a little more credit with you in the California Homes article on Valley Oak, and I also think that the flippingout.com website was, and continues to be, slightly misleading, but your main problem with him isn't about money or even recognition.  If it was, you wouldn't have blown off the A-list actress who wanted to hire you (it was Jen Garner, wasn't it?).  This is about rejection.

I come to you from a place of love and intense sexual attraction, Jeff.  I hate to see you unhappy.  While I am not "formally trained" in psychology, I have skimmed some articles on life coaching and I know that I can help you work through this (or at least get you some hot one night stands from my gay readership).  You just have to be brave enough to reach out and ask for help.  Afterward, you can nestle in my bosom and we will watch Real Housewives of Atlanta together.

With deepest concern and affection,

SGM

{Have you seen the new jefflewisdesign.com?  Deliciously scruffy photo of JLew on the front page, as well as some lovely design photos and annoying bongo music.  Join him on facebook and twitter--which I bet he hates but his pr people insist upon it.}

"When you get defensive and make excuses, I will continue to talk about it. Forever."

We know, Jeff. Believe me, WE KNOW.

I cannot seem to pull my shit together to write a real recap for this week's episode of Flipping Out, so rather than offer a bunch of EXCUSES, I thought I'd give you some screencaps and hope that you all will be your usual funny and insightful selves in the comments.  Sound good?  Okay then, let's get it on:

"Zoila, how many times do I have to tell you?  Employees are not allowed to drink from the glasses.  If you're thirsty, use the dog bowls.  Good boy, Jett."

"No, no I'll be fine.  I just want to kill myself, that's all."

"Rachel cry.  Me sad."

"Well, if you do decide to off yourself, please don't do it at Valley Oak.  Or before you go to Nordstrom--I really need that new underwear.  Damn, this is a good burrito."

"...and two steps to the left, and that's how you do the Cha-Cha Slide!  Wait, does my breath smell?  You're looking at me like my breath smells."

 "After I changed my name from Kato Kaelin to Chaz, I knew I had to open a hair salon.  Hey, isn't that your assistant about to jump off the roof?"

Jeff:  "I'm in love with SGM, but I don't know how to tell her."

Ry:  "Just email her.  I know she will be both gracious and discreet."

Thank you, Ryan; I appreciate that.  Like the hat, btw.

Noteworthy moments:

1.  Jeff explains to new client Chaz that it's "really ghetto" to have a washer and dryer outside.  "Sanford and Son," he adds. 

2.  Jenni describes Jeff's freak out over Rachel being late and then holing up in the bathroom:  "He is obsessing.  He thinks she's going number 2, which you are not supposed to do at the house."

3.  Jeff, slightly embarrassed, tells Chaz, "I just have to apologize for Rachel's hair right now.  Wait till you see her.  You're going to be appalled." 

4.  Jeff agrees to stop hammering on Rachel about being late but he JUST CAN'T HELP himself.  He continues to indirectly criticize her until she cries.  Then everyone at the table IGNORES it.  (with the possible exception of Ryan, who at least tries to change the subject.)

5.  Jeff rebukes Ryan for talking too loud about Rachel: "when you talk shit about people, you whisper."

6.  Jeff to Zoila:  "I don't appreciate you making Rachel cry at lunch today."

7.  Jeff LOSES IT when he needs to stop for mints and it will make him late to Skytop.  Jenni dubs it a "mint meltdown" and says "it's like an alocholic looking for a shot."

8.  Chaz wants photos of some door accessories, and Jenni vivaciously poses with them. 

9.  Jeff sends Rachel out to buy him some new underwear and gives her old underwear so she knows EXACTLY what to buy.  She threatens to sell them on ebay.  SOLD!

10.  Rachel quits with NO NOTICE Friday as she's leaving for work.  "Nothing personal," she says lightly, even though it totally is. 

Can we all agree that Rachel had more going on than just a stressful job?  I'm guessing it's a cheating boyfriend, or chronic bowel issues, or maybe even her failure to get into massage therapy school.  Don't you think she'd be a good masseuse?  I do.  Good luck to you, Rachel.  You weren't the first to quit, and you sure as hell won't be the last.

Your turn.  Give it to me.

Second verse, same as the first

I wonder who's going to quit tonight on Flipping Out?

I just can't figure it out.

(click through if you can't see the video)