What's up, hookers?

I'm so happy to see you!  I've gone through many personal changes since I last posted, and one of them is that I now watch Jerseylicious, High Society and reruns of Ghost Whisperer.  All are unspeakably dreadful, and I am simultaneously pleased and deeply ashamed to add them to my tv-watching repertoire.  Another big change: I called to reduce my cable service and was invited to sign up for the Premiere Package.  !!!!!  For those of you who don't know, it's a very exclusive upgrade which includes getting every channel on the planet for an ass-raping amount of money.  How could I turn it down?  I couldn't.  I don't mean to brag, but I now have 5 channels of Filipino gameshows--the very definition of luxury.

I have missed you all like LuAnn misses the Count's offshore bank account, which is to say desperately.  I read all of your comments during my break and was very touched by all of the kind words and expressions of mild suffering.  To thank you for sticking with me, I give you a new photo of Jeff Lewis:

My favorite part is the bubble exclamation point.  

Let's get to work!

1.  Who's watching 9 by Design?   STRESSFUL.  I couldn't take it.  When the 9 months pregnant Cortney was standing on the countertop in order to pack and move her 6 children to another, yet-to-be-determined apartment in a matter of days, my husband begged "Turn it!  TURN IT!"  

I did.  Switched over to Parenthood and that was that. 

I'll give the Novogratz fam another shot. 

2. On tonight's Real Housewives of NYC, new Housewife Sonja Morgan makes her first appearance.
(click through if you can't see the video)

I'm taking bets on how soon she will describe herself as "the real Carrie Bradshaw."  It's inevitable.

3.  The lovely yet dirty-mouthed Mason of Movin 92.5 and I break down Bethenny's recent cry-a-thon below (warning:  I act somewhat autistic on the phone and I pronounce Lanvin wrong).

the worst crap on tv!!!!

"I do like leather couches from Restoration Hardware. And handjobs."

Oh, YES!  Watch this (NSFW):

(click through if you can't see video)

Big congratulations to my favorite KCS Cougar for having his brilliance recognized by Andy Cohen on Watch What Happens Live last night.  See more wickedly funny videos here.

Fall on your knees

because our prayers have been answered.

Please, I ask that no one call me during that time because I will be vigorously humping the tv.

Links, Google, and Suspicion

Ladies and Gentlemen, this Flipping Out reunion recap is brought to you by my dearest and most talented friend in the prostitution business, Gayhooker (aka gayhooker.  I like to capitalize it because I think it lends him the prestige he so richly deserves).  Enjoy his insightful words and give yourself permission to snort, especially when you hover over/click on his links.  Then, please join me for a vigorous discussion in the comments.   Thank you, Gayhooker!

Before we begin, let’s discuss Andy for a sec; anyone else have the urge to grab a towel and wipe the Vaseline off his teeth?  Now that we’ve discovered his secret to a great smile, let’s have at the Flipping Out Season 3 Reunion.

1.  Andy begins the Season 3 Reunion by asking Jeff a) if he’s considered taking Lithium (which apparently this season RHOC’s Chatty Cathy LC has quit, perhaps due to surgical side-effects) and b) what cocktail of medication he’s currently using.  Unfortunately for Canadian Pharmacies he answered a) no and b) none.  Looks like I’m selling my stock tomorrow.

2.  Next, Andy asks Jeff whether or not he’s single, which he confesses to having a relationship with his business manager a special someone for a little less than a year.  Something tells me they’ll be celebrating their anniversary sometime on or before the 18^th of January.  Can anyone guess which one of the two wears the other’s pearl necklace?

“Jenni, do you think it’s too early in my relationship to declare my love on the back of the Mercedes?”

3.  Going #2 and rollover minutes:  The story within the story becomes quite complicated and simply put, it's not that he doesn't allow going #2, he discourages it and explains how and why there’s a time limit.

4.  Zoila appears in uniform.  (Was I the only surprised to see that Ryan Seacrest wasn’t the shortest person alive?) Andy gets right to the point and asks Jeff exactly why Zoila needs to wear a uniform, in which he replies with, “I want her to match the décor in addition to appearing more professional.”  Andy is very eager to hear what happens once the closed sign goes up at night in Chez Lewis.  My thought is if he really wanted to know, why doesn’t he just write that into the contract?  Anyway, Zoila tells all; they drink martini’s, play Monopoly (how fitting), and occasionally mix things up with a game of Twister.  Zoila explains the bacon incident, shedding light on her motives, and how her husband mysteriously disappeared into the Nicaraguan jungles.  Finally, she wants everyone to know that Roomba is a “big bitch.”

5.  Ugly or pretty: who’d you rather?  Jeff points out that given the current economic state and unprecedented budget cuts felt throughout the state of California, having both ugly and pretty applicants to choose from make the hiring decision easier as he’d chose the latter of the two.  He is, however, clear to point out that in an effort at avoid discriminatory practices, he’d consider both unfortunate looking and overweight employees.

6.  Jeff apologizes to Jenni for the continuous “low blows” throughout the season regarding Chris Elwood until he claims he’s reached the moratorium of apologies.

7.  Andy and Jenni parallel Trace and Jeff; how different they are including style, talent, youth, and inner love.

8.  Links, Google, and suspicion; Jeff and Ryan talk for the first time in nearly four months.  Their reunion started off quite cordial awkward, with Jeff demanding an apology right off the bat.

 “I wasn’t the one who exhibited suspicious behavior, I wasn’t the one who slithered around, I wasn’t the one who set-up googling links in my partner’s name, I wasn’t the one to set-up a deceptive website” (which by the way is “temporarily closed;” I wonder why?).

 Anyone want to take a stab at how many thieved recruited clients it takes to purchase a website on the secondary market?

Ryan, who’d rather not declare a draw per Andy’s request and instead declaring a “Mexican Standoff” between the two, told us there are times he wants to pick up the phone and have Jeff over for dinner; “I get mad, upset, then get over it, wanting to call Jeff, but then Dale gets upset, my parents get upset, and I end up having to explain to my 90 year-old grandmother why I just can’t apologize to Jeff for no wrong doing.”

“I don’t know how you can fucking sleep at night!”

Andy, wiping the sweat away from his forehead, asks Zoila to drop the central heat a few clicks as he prepares the audience for a show only a Bravolebrity could present.  Jeff claims, “you know you did this; you know you did this!  I don’t know how you can fucking sleep at night [you bitch]!”  Cue Ryan’s tears, “like everyone else in America, Andy, I was watching the paranoia events unfold.”  Jeff, however, sees things a little differently and explains how Ryan has had 4 months to build a rebuttal.  If only Ryan, a web optimizer neuroscience major / decorator for those new to the show, apologized on behalf of his suspicious circumstances due to “having a baby in private school, an 11K a month mortgage, and a partner who doesn’t work,” their relationship wouldn’t have ended in the place it did. 

Ryan tells Jeff that “once we get out from under the microscope, we may be able to repair this.”

“I made you rich motherfucker!”

Jeff (veins poppin’ lips bustin’) sees things a little differently; “I don’t see us moving past this until you apologize.  Aside from the show and the cameras, I don’t let people in my life; I don’t trust that easily.”  We probably won’t speak again after this; I’ve been generous with you and your family; you broke my heart; I know you did this; I know when you’re lying.  I’m sick of this manipulative bullshit; this is the reason people are contacting you with hate mail; they don’t believe you either.”

Jeff Lewis is like a kiss from God.  Thank you, Bravo.

I’ll admit that while I may stand alone in my thoughts and may place myself at severe risk of getting UnFacebooked by Ryan, I feel it necessary to point-out his devilish smile and jolting stabs (now everyone can see the “true Jeff Lewis” bullshit).  Anyone else feel the same way or do I stand alone?  It’s not the Ryan (“with the bad haircut”) that I know from Seasons 1 and 2.  Regardless, while Ryan may not have actually received that much business from his mischievous efforts, I agree with Jeff, it was definitely “professional identity theft and false advertising” suspicious.

9.  Finally, three clips we hadn’t seen until the Reunion include:

1. Jeff and Jenni take Chloe pet shopping.  On the way back to Ryan’s, Jeff asks Chloe if she like her new fish and Chloe responds with, “you gotta put a ring on it.”  Her response weighs heavily against the others; “girls gone wild, hooters, chardonnay, and big bitch.”
2. After painstaking searching for an exhausting 10 months, Jeff finally discovers where Jenni lives.
3. Another lunchtime debate sponsored by El Pollo Loco: to either replace or insure Zoila.

Please, just go on without me.

I'm down, you guys.  H1N1 has served me my ass on a platter, on today of all days.  So I beg you, just go on.  Leave me to die. 

In other news:

1.  Kelly Bensimon will be on the January cover of Playboy.  I feel like we've seen her naked already?  Anyhow, will you buy it?  Should I buy it?

2.  Finally watched the RZP finale and was relieved to discover that I still like Rachel.  Incidentally, the NY Times writer who skewered Rachel Zoe last fall also penned that nasty article about Jeff Lewis.  Clearly, someone was not loved as a child and feels the need to crap on the success of others.

3.  Thanks to commenter "Heffah" who noticed that flippingout.com is temporarily unavailable.  Do we dare to hope?

4.  The Kim Zolciak Halloween Kit:  "Everything you need to look sexy as hell."  !!!!