Oh, honey.
Friday, October 2, 2009 
My heart just breaks to see you struggle so. Believe me, I want nothing more than to clutch you to my bosom while you weep, but that isn't what you need right now. No, what you need is some straight-talk about your behavior in the latest episode of Flipping Out.
Let's start with Skytop owners Brad and Seana. What a couple of goddamn crazy nitpickers. You'd think a comedian and a stripper would be a little more laid-back, wouldn't you? Jesus. When Brad went over his two acre yard with a fine tooth comb and triumphantly presented you with the Petty Tray of Tiny Pieces of Construction Trash, I was forced to avert my eyes. Could. not. watch. How about the carefully crafted flower he made from scraps of electrical wire? What a little bitch. He wanted you to share in his ridiculous rage, and THANK GOD you didn't fall for it. Sweetheart, karma gave you a taste of your own medicine and you swallowed it like a man. You were uncharacteristically calm and conciliatory, and I was so proud of you.
(Can you you imagine stumbling upon one of Brad and Seana's "afternoon delights"? Just the thought of all of that soft, pasty flesh banging away (thwack, thwack, thwack) makes me want to stab myself in the eye with the pointy end of that goddamn wire flower. You know they critique each other when they're finished.)
Now for the tough part--Ryan.
I'm just going to come out and state the obvious: you are still in love with him. I don't blame you. He's adorable and emotionally stable. He gets you. We all saw the raw emotion on your face when you talked about if you hadn't "fucked things up [with Ryan]," Chloe could be your baby. Part of me was shocked at your candor and the other part of me pictured you watching this scene with Zoila and high-fiving her, saying "that's Academy Award material right there, baby!"
Remember when you said that anger stems from hurt? You said that in a joking way, a little verbal eye-roll for your therapist, and honestly, your delivery made me want to wrap my arms (not to mention legs) around you. Mmmmmm. But, as always, behind your joke lies the truth. I think your anger toward Ryan is nothing but a mask for your pain. It hurts you to see Ryan happy and fulfilled without you. Plus, he apparently enjoys his design business while you get stuck working for TOTAL ASSHOLES/DEADBEATS.
I agree that Ryan should have shared a little more credit with you in the California Homes article on Valley Oak, and I also think that the flippingout.com website was, and continues to be, slightly misleading, but your main problem with him isn't about money or even recognition. If it was, you wouldn't have blown off the A-list actress who wanted to hire you (it was Jen Garner, wasn't it?). This is about rejection.
I come to you from a place of love and intense sexual attraction, Jeff. I hate to see you unhappy. While I am not "formally trained" in psychology, I have skimmed some articles on life coaching and I know that I can help you work through this (or at least get you some hot one night stands from my gay readership). You just have to be brave enough to reach out and ask for help. Afterward, you can nestle in my bosom and we will watch Real Housewives of Atlanta together.
With deepest concern and affection,
SGM
{Have you seen the new jefflewisdesign.com? Deliciously scruffy photo of JLew on the front page, as well as some lovely design photos and annoying bongo music. Join him on facebook and twitter--which I bet he hates but his pr people insist upon it.}
