Oh baby, not when you speak the language of ROFLMAO.
Did anyone else (with a weak bladder) almost PISS their PANTS at the antics of Deb and Jeff on Tuesday night? I tell you, there was one part that was so hilarious that I was tempted to make a bootleg so that we could re-live it over and over and pee all over our office chairs together. But that would be illegal, so of course I didn't. Ahem.*
Here is your Flipping Out recap:
1. Jeff and Ryan EMOTE all over the place. Separately, of course. Jeff feels betrayed by his best friend of 10 years. Ryan hates that Jeff doesn't trust him and that he's forced to go through all of Jeff's OCD paranoid bullshit again.
All of this tension and expression of feelings are VERY DISCONCERTING to me. Can't they stay together for the children (i.e. all of us)?
2. At Valley Oak, Jenni brings out her alter ego, Deb (as seen here) and solves a problem for Jeff.
This, in itself, is majorly LOL. LOVE Deb. But it gets better. "You just earned your money for today," Jeff tells Jenni. "You don't have to do anything else for the day. Just like Zoila. You can screw around for the rest of the day." Then he does this beautiful, perfectly timed sidelong glance, and catches Zoila lurking in the doorway, listening.
Cue the peeing of the pants. This man. He has taken it to the next level, that level being HEAVEN.
2. Jeff visits Vlad (sans sleeves) at Buena Park. Jeff, who is in a pissy mood due to the high level of feelings in his bloodstream, jumps all over Vlad for being "the opposite of professional" (remember this for later). He's not getting shit done on time, which costs Jeff's client money. Vlad is giving Jeff a bunch of excuses for why there are no workers at the site, including "they are coming from Colarada."
"Colorado?" Jeff clarifies. What an asshole thing to do, to mock a foreign dude's accent, but as a resident of Colorado, I did appreciate the correction. There might have even been a bark of laughter on my part, and then again when Jeff asked if there were any construction workers in LA, ones that "aren't commuting from Colarada." ASSHOLE. But funny.
3. Ryan's putting in a pool at his house in order to put it on the market. My chest constricts with panic every time I think about Ryan moving to Santa Barbara.
"Don't move," I whisper to the tv.
4. Trace, accompanied by gum smacker Sarah, orders tile for Vlad at Buena Park. I have very warm feelings for Trace. He never gives Jeff the satisfaction of a smile or a blush of embarrassment, even when Jeff is working overtime for it. Poker face Trace.
5. Jeff starts picking at Jenni in the car. She's not focussed on her work with him, she's distracted by auditions and calls from her agent. "It's always been a struggle," complains Jeff. Blah, blah, BLAH. Jenni's heard this shit a hundred times before, yet she listens to him with unbelievable patience and reassures him that she is committed to her job with him. She then explains to the camera that Jeff's been a little testy since his confrontation with Ryan.
Jenni Pulos, you listen to me: stop enabling him. Next time, turn the tables on that bitch and tell him that his Flipping Out schedule is interfering with the design business. I mean, he's tweeting, facebooking, traveling and being interviewed all of the time. He's gone a lot. He probably spends a lot of time during business hours reading emails from his fans. Is he committed to the design business or show business? Tell him to put that in his pipe and smoke it.
6. Sarah takes Jeff's credit card home, which is a huge no-no. As punishment (his word, not mine), Jeff makes her wear a crappy $4 painter's smock to wear around town while they run errands.
"Embarrassment works," he explains.
Sarah belts the smock, trying to make it look cuter, but only succeeds in creating a bunching in the crotch. While at the Cole jobsite, Jeff announces in front of everyone, "YOU HAVE A CAMELTOE!"
Jeff. You cannot say this to an employee. Do you hear me, mister? Not only is it "the opposite of professional," but it is harrassment. Harassment that is RECORDED ON CAMERA. If Sarah had half a brain, she could SUE your sweet ass. As punishment, I am going to require that you give Vlad (or me, your choice) a one hour, full (NAKED) body massage.
7. Jenni gets the smock punishment too, for not entering a check in the register. She insists that she did. "He forgets, and I pay" she says. "Who cares." I DO, JENNI. I care.
8. Vlad doesn't have enough tile to finish the shower--an expensive mistake. Is it Vlad's fault for measuring wrong, or Trace's fault for ordering the wrong amount? Vlad, Trace and Sarah are at Buena Park, sweating bullets, waiting for Jeff to arrive. There's a lot of blah blah blah, but Jeff basically determines that he hates Vlad, therefore Vlad is responsible for the mistake.
(Sarah, spit out the GUM.)
9. Ryan picks out tile for his swimming pool. Such a turn on. Srsly. That's gonna be a beautiful pool.
10. At Cole, Frank the contractor puts on some music and Jenni just turns that mother OUT.
She's dancing magnificently, and everyone is cracking up, especially Jeff. "If you can entertain me on a daily basis, that's your job security."
THEN, he folds a dollar bill lengthwise and hands it to a construction worker, insinuating that he should stick it in Jenni's pants.
You are an employment lawyer's wet dream, Jeff Lewis.
11. Jeff visits Ryan's house while Ryan is at work to "see how the pool is going." Obviously, he's trying to reach out in his emotionally stunted way. Chloe is napping, Dale is distant. Jeff has no idea how to handle the situation, so after he takes a brief look at the pool, he sits on the steps and checks his phone, while Jenni talks to Dale. It's painful.
To the camera, Jeff basically cuts open his chest and throws his heart on the table. He says that he's not only losing his best friend Ryan, but also Dale and Chloe. He mentions his feelings again, and says "at first I was mad. Now I'm afraid. I'm afraid of not having them in my life. They're my family."
What can I say after that? I love this show. Your turn--communicate your feelings.
*Let's say that hypothetically, I did create a bootleg clip of said hilarious scene. If you don't have cable and would be interested in such a thing, you can contact me via the form on the right. Hypothetically, of course.
Friday, October 9, 2009 
