I'm sorry, WHAT? What did you just say, Jeff? Because to my ears, it sounded like "SGM, cash out your 401(k) and send for me right away." Oh, honey. I hear you and I AM ON IT. You can stay in our unfinished basement--I found a gently used waterbed for you on Craigslist--and I will give you the opportunity to earn lots of crisp $1 bills in exchange for some "touching" that can be negotiated when you get here. I am also hoping you can help organize my Christmas decorations. In the meantime, here is my message to you:
Oh, yes.
All right. Even without me, this episode was FULL of sexual metaphors, innuendo and even a little harrassment. Let's get to it, shall we? Here's your Flipping Out recap:
1. Jeff's on the phone with a prospective client who tells Jeff that he tried to hire both Ryan and Jeff through Brown Design but was put off by the large, bend-me-over retainer. Prospective client decided to call Jeff directly to discuss this. Jeff says something along the lines of "oh no, I never work like that--I don't demand a huge amount of money up front" and proceeds to kiss ass/poach the job that was meant to be Ryan's and his. FORESHADOWING and also IRONIC/HYPOCRITICAL (as we see later).
2. Jeff and Jenni drive to meet the owners of Skytop to interview for a $$$ renovation project. Jeff compares it to a first date. "Second base," Jenni whispers encouragingly as Jeff gets out of the car. "Second base," he repeats, pumping himself up.
Then he proceeds to hustle like you would have never though possible last year. He's smiley and charming and eager, which I found to be simultaneously refreshing and totally disconcerting. He wants this job desperately and it's written all over his pretty face.
Have you ever? That looks painful, Jeff.
As Jeff talks about his ideas for the kitchen, Skytop's owner, Seana, mentions how freaky she is about organizing her kitchen cabinets. She opens a perfectly arranged cabinet to show Jeff and he is visibly moved. "He just found me sexy for about 3 seconds," she laughs to Jenni and her husband. "I did!" says Eager Beaver. "I was rethinking the whole gay thing."
Seana, you seem cool and everything, but BACK THE FUCK OFF.
3. We see Ryan at the sleek and professional headquarters of Brown Design. Thumbs UP on the new sexy glasses, Ryan. Anyhow, he talks about how because of advertising and publicity (and blogging!), his business has actually grown during the recession. According to Ryan, not only are people spending money, but ridiculous amounts of money.
Can you see where this is going?
4. Jeff is barking nitpicky orders at his staff while they tidy up at Valley Oak. Sounds like someone's been dilly-dallying in the bathrooms (RACHEL)(but everyone knows that is the best place to take a break from a hardass boss) so Jeff announces that all bathroom breaks will be limited to 60 seconds. He thinks that is plenty of time, and claims that he often does his business in less (although Jenni quipped that it was because he didn't wash his hands which HIT A NERVE. Ha!). In regard to taking a #2, "we don't do that here, we do it after work." Yeah. In the yard.
5. Jeff and Rachel are in the car. He sees her taking notes on post-its and has a minor freak out, telling her to put things directly on the sacrosanct To Do List. I know another place she can put it, Jeff. Up your butt. (with a coconut.)
6. Jeff and Rachel arrive at the Buena Park remodel to meet with Vlad the contractor. "Rachel's single. Just so you know," Jeff says to Vlad as he starts inspecting the work. AWKWARD because 1) Vlad is not from this country and may not understand Jeff's sense of humor, 2) he's kind of gross, and 3) he's named after a non-Twilight vampire.
Vlad argues with Jeff over inches. Doesn't he know that NO ONE is to argue with Jeff because Jeff is always right? That's basically what Jeff tells the camera.
7. Jeff and Jenni go back for a "second date" with the owners of Skytop, Seana and Brad. It's a Wear Your Pajamas for Taco Tuesday night, and Jeff shows up with cupcakes and some sort of sweatsuit jammies. HE WANTS THIS JOB, and in case he hasn't made that clear, he says it again in about 47 different ways with more sex metaphors.
Jenni shows up in flannels and slippers and looks adorable.
But she still looks very thin and drawn. Chris Elwood (her ex) is such a fucktard.
As it turns out, asking Jeff and Jenni to wear their pjs was not some sort of code for hot swinger action. Everything's on the up and up. They're all having fun and eating tacos when Jeff asks Seana how she made her money. "I was a peeler," she says. Do you know what that is? It's a stripper, and suddenly this dinner just got a whole lot more interesting. Jeff jumps right in. "Can I ask you about the money?" Sure. "Is it true that people make $50,000 in one night?" Yes. Jeff's eyes almost pop out of his head. "$100,000?" YES. With NO TOUCHING. Jeff is at first stunned and then giddy at the thought of such easy money.
This prompts Jeff to say that he'd settle for a lot less with touching. Book him now, people. Get on it.
8. Seana calls Jeff's office the following day. The conversation is peppered with all sorts of private jokes. (Jeff being called Foxy, for one.) (I'm guessing it's his stage name--Foxy Botoxy.)(don't rule out any future swinging.) Jeff is hired (whew) and Seana wants to set Jenni up with one of her friends. Jenni agrees and Jeff of course asks her to email a photo.
The email arrives, the photo is up and there is squinting, followed by an eternity of silence. "Well, he's worth meeting," Jeff finally says. Translation: UGLY and/or FAT.
9. Lunchtime! As soon as the words "what are we missing?" come out of Jeff's mouth, I am filled with dread. He knows exactly what's missing (besides his ability to let things slide). Remember The Avocado Incident? It's deja vu all over again at chez Lewis!
Turns out that Rachel did not get enough brown salsa. The horror. While Jeff starts to systematically tear her apart in front of the whole table, Bravo switches to an interview with Rachel where she tells the camera that Jeff used to date women. REALLY? Curious placement of this clip by Bravo, but I'll take it.
Meanwhile, back at the table, Ryan is trying to diffuse the situation: "you've never eaten that much brown salsa in your life!" To the camera he says that although Rachel knows all of Jeff's "tricks and craziness," he gives her one month. Back to Jeff, who is like a dog with a bone: "there are 6 people, but only 4 brown salsas..." Cut to Jeff talking to the camera about how it IS a big deal and saying anything else is minimizing his needs. You'd think he was talking about his right to marry or even his right to quality healthcare but NO, he is talking about gd salsa from Baja Fresh! Then to Rachel, who unknowingly utters the slogan of all former Jeff Lewis employees, "I feel like I am being set up to fail."
Ryan tries to change to subject but Jeff persists: "Does anyone have any more brown salsa? Is there any in the trash?" Jeff. STFU, man.
Rachel, after you are fired/forced to resign, I hope you get a full bucket of the brown salsa and dump it in his bed, Godfather-style. Then enter the witness protection program.
10. Jeff's brother Todd and Jeff's real estate agent Carrie are getting married in June, and Jeff, Jenni, Ryan, and Dale accompany them to sample some wedding cake.
Interesting story--the two had been engaged before, and Carrie called off the wedding. Todd demanded that Jeff cut all ties with her. Jeff refused (he had listings with her!) and he and his brother didn't talk for TWO YEARS. Eventually Todd and Carrie reconciled and the relationship with Jeff thawed. What a mess. For the first wedding, Jeff was to be the best man. For the second, HE'S NOT. Those Lewises are some cut-throat bitches.
Someone asks Todd and Carrie about kids. "Are you on the pill?" Jeff asks. Carrie laughs it off. Jeff won't let go. "So you use what, diaphragm, condoms?" Boundaries, Jeff. Boundaries. Please respect them.
11. Jeff and Jenni are in the car when she confesses that she hasn't had any "action" in 10 months. "What happens?" Jeff asks. "Does it close up...like when you have your ears pierced?" !!! He tells the camera, "I don't think she should be turning down any sort of date. I don't think she should even be turning down booty calls."
Watch the clip here.
12. Another meeting with creepy Vlad, and this time Jeff offers up Jenni. P-I-M-P.
13. Skytop! Jeff reveals that if it were his house, he'd go a completely different direction than one Seana and Brad are taking. The secret to designing for other people, he says, is to give them your ideas but make them think the ideas were theirs in the first place. Very manipulative. Good luck using that strategy now that you have divulged it, Einstein.
THEN, Jenni comes up to Jeff and tells him that the guy Seana wants to set her up with? He is dating someone. Not only dating, but together for TWO YEARS. Funny and embarrassing for both Jenni and Seana, but the best part is Jeff's matter-of-fact breakdown of the whole thing. "He didn't want to date her so bad that he made up a two year relationship." Eyebrows raised. "He could have seen her picture and said 'not interested.' This is how I know I'm growing. I just keep quiet and that makes me a really good friend, I think." I think so too, Jeff.
14. Finally, the big fight between Jeff and Ryan in Jeff's car. Jeff's says he's angry because he shares his jobs with Ryan but Ryan doesn't share any of his glorious bounty with Jeff.
Ryan, looking small and childlike in the backseat, acts mature and reasonable while Jeff just LOSES IT. He tells the camera that his relationship with Ryan is estranged/strange/strained (enunciate, please) and tense.
Dang, this was a long one (that's what she said). How am I going to replenish my 401(k)? What did you think of this episode?
Wednesday, September 2, 2009 
