Oh, honey.
Friday, October 2, 2009 
My heart just breaks to see you struggle so. Believe me, I want nothing more than to clutch you to my bosom while you weep, but that isn't what you need right now. No, what you need is some straight-talk about your behavior in the latest episode of Flipping Out.
Let's start with Skytop owners Brad and Seana. What a couple of goddamn crazy nitpickers. You'd think a comedian and a stripper would be a little more laid-back, wouldn't you? Jesus. When Brad went over his two acre yard with a fine tooth comb and triumphantly presented you with the Petty Tray of Tiny Pieces of Construction Trash, I was forced to avert my eyes. Could. not. watch. How about the carefully crafted flower he made from scraps of electrical wire? What a little bitch. He wanted you to share in his ridiculous rage, and THANK GOD you didn't fall for it. Sweetheart, karma gave you a taste of your own medicine and you swallowed it like a man. You were uncharacteristically calm and conciliatory, and I was so proud of you.
(Can you you imagine stumbling upon one of Brad and Seana's "afternoon delights"? Just the thought of all of that soft, pasty flesh banging away (thwack, thwack, thwack) makes me want to stab myself in the eye with the pointy end of that goddamn wire flower. You know they critique each other when they're finished.)
Now for the tough part--Ryan.
I'm just going to come out and state the obvious: you are still in love with him. I don't blame you. He's adorable and emotionally stable. He gets you. We all saw the raw emotion on your face when you talked about if you hadn't "fucked things up [with Ryan]," Chloe could be your baby. Part of me was shocked at your candor and the other part of me pictured you watching this scene with Zoila and high-fiving her, saying "that's Academy Award material right there, baby!"
Remember when you said that anger stems from hurt? You said that in a joking way, a little verbal eye-roll for your therapist, and honestly, your delivery made me want to wrap my arms (not to mention legs) around you. Mmmmmm. But, as always, behind your joke lies the truth. I think your anger toward Ryan is nothing but a mask for your pain. It hurts you to see Ryan happy and fulfilled without you. Plus, he apparently enjoys his design business while you get stuck working for TOTAL ASSHOLES/DEADBEATS.
I agree that Ryan should have shared a little more credit with you in the California Homes article on Valley Oak, and I also think that the flippingout.com website was, and continues to be, slightly misleading, but your main problem with him isn't about money or even recognition. If it was, you wouldn't have blown off the A-list actress who wanted to hire you (it was Jen Garner, wasn't it?). This is about rejection.
I come to you from a place of love and intense sexual attraction, Jeff. I hate to see you unhappy. While I am not "formally trained" in psychology, I have skimmed some articles on life coaching and I know that I can help you work through this (or at least get you some hot one night stands from my gay readership). You just have to be brave enough to reach out and ask for help. Afterward, you can nestle in my bosom and we will watch Real Housewives of Atlanta together.
With deepest concern and affection,
SGM
{Have you seen the new jefflewisdesign.com? Deliciously scruffy photo of JLew on the front page, as well as some lovely design photos and annoying bongo music. Join him on facebook and twitter--which I bet he hates but his pr people insist upon it.}
Reader Comments (14)
Oh God. I haven't seen this episode yet but I'm already hurting for our little Jeff. The man needs some love but good.
When he made the statement about if he hadn't f-d up Chloe could be his baby, and that's why she is so important to him, I just wanted to crawl through the screen and yell, "I'll give you a baby! Here - I have 3! You can just pick one!"
And, cute and stable aside, what kid of a-hole sets up a website of photos of work that he's done with a business partner and directs all traffic to his personal business site? Maybe Jeff didn't so much f-up the relationship as much as Ryan realized he could make more money with him as a business partner and not life partner.
yeah, I think Ryan screwed Jeff over. The smirkiness he exhibited when telling Jeff about the a-list actress deal was just weird. The website thing is just wrong. Just plain cheating Jeff out of business/credit. I definitely detect a whiff a sliminess on Ryan now, and his bulgy red eyes make it seem worse.
Jen Garner? Really? She wouldn't have hired a real architect? I picture her going after Gil Schafer, not Jeff Lewis.
sorry to change subjects whiplash fast, but did i know about slade and gretchen?!??!
there's a pic of them having lunch with NeNe here:
http://www.people.com/people/gallery/0,,20309227,00.html#20682905
(slide 7)
Ryan's smugness makes me think Jeff is right to be suspicious.
And while I think Jeff would be insanely fun to party and gossip with, who in their right mind would date or work for someone like that?
So I'm definitely in the minority since I'm on Ryan's side? Jeff just has such a history of paranoia and overreaction. I think there's a lot more going on that we don't know about. I think I need to fly out and dig through Jeff's trash.
Lori, OLD NEWS, sister! They've been dating for awhile. Maybe you just blocked it out.
The flippingout.com site is "slightly misleading" ? Why would Ryan use that url address - it's Jeff's show. I think the website is completely misleading. I think Jeff has issues with trust, but I think Ryan screwed him over.
The "A-list actress" called Jeff twice and left messages, and he never called back. No sympathy.
Ryan's smirk was, to me, an indication of his innocence. He was enjoying Jeff's rare slip-up. If Ryan had done something underhanded, he'd have played dumb, or innocent.
SGM, you're awesome. I live for your posts and I'm damn proud of it!
I don't agree, SGM. Without Jeff's show....Ryan wou;d be getting less hits than Quinn (the forgettable OC housewife of two season's ago----who??)
Sure Jeff is paranoid, but sometimes, with cause. Read Jeff's blog on Bravo and see why the afternoon delight wasn't the only nauseating thing about Seana and Brad. That project was a loser and those idiots wanted airtime AND a frickin pajama party.
Ryan's blog wasn't exactly an epiphany. SERIOUSLY, who on Earth would google 'Brown designs?' THAT is Ryan's site and no one here (including SGM) would be seeking that on its own, outside of Jeff's show----and even with the show....would you have found his site without "Jeff Lewis" or "fliipping out" as search terms???
Listen, for some reason, I would trust Ryan WITH MY LIFE. There's something more going on here that we don't know about. I feel it in my bones.
Why is flippingout.com still primarily a Ryan Brown site? I know Ryan would let Jeff in on that, and if not, then a court would. It's fishy, you guys. FISHY.
Why doesn't Jeff's site list his training or education or certification or licenses or awards or professional memberships or...?
Ive had to stay away from your blog b/c I havent caught up on my Bravo tivo backup - but this post is fucking hilarious. So right about Jeff still being in love with Ryan. Can't blame him. Can't Bravo orchestrate a little orgy for them or something?