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    Wednesday
    Nov112009

    Links, Google, and Suspicion

    Ladies and Gentlemen, this Flipping Out reunion recap is brought to you by my dearest and most talented friend in the prostitution business, Gayhooker (aka gayhooker.  I like to capitalize it because I think it lends him the prestige he so richly deserves).  Enjoy his insightful words and give yourself permission to snort, especially when you hover over/click on his links.  Then, please join me for a vigorous discussion in the comments.   Thank you, Gayhooker!


    Before we begin, let’s discuss Andy for a sec; anyone else have the urge to grab a towel and wipe the Vaseline off his teeth?  Now that we’ve discovered his secret to a great smile, let’s have at the Flipping Out Season 3 Reunion.

    1.  Andy begins the Season 3 Reunion by asking Jeff a) if he’s considered taking Lithium (which apparently this season RHOC’s Chatty Cathy LC has quit, perhaps due to surgical side-effects) and b) what cocktail of medication he’s currently using.  Unfortunately for Canadian Pharmacies he answered a) no and b) none.  Looks like I’m selling my stock tomorrow.

    2.  Next, Andy asks Jeff whether or not he’s single, which he confesses to having a relationship with his business manager a special someone for a little less than a year.  Something tells me they’ll be celebrating their anniversary sometime on or before the 18th of January.  Can anyone guess which one of the two wears the other’s pearl necklace?

    “Jenni, do you think it’s too early in my relationship to declare my love on the back of the Mercedes?”

    3.  Going #2 and rollover minutes:  The story within the story becomes quite complicated and simply put, it's not that he doesn't allow going #2, he discourages it and explains how and why there’s a time limit.

     

    4.  Zoila appears in uniform.  (Was I the only surprised to see that Ryan Seacrest wasn’t the shortest person alive?) Andy gets right to the point and asks Jeff exactly why Zoila needs to wear a uniform, in which he replies with, “I want her to match the décor in addition to appearing more professional.”  Andy is very eager to hear what happens once the closed sign goes up at night in Chez Lewis.  My thought is if he really wanted to know, why doesn’t he just write that into the contract?  Anyway, Zoila tells all; they drink martini’s, play Monopoly (how fitting), and occasionally mix things up with a game of Twister.  Zoila explains the bacon incident, shedding light on her motives, and how her husband mysteriously disappeared into the Nicaraguan jungles.  Finally, she wants everyone to know that Roomba is a “big bitch.”

    5.  Ugly or pretty: who’d you rather?  Jeff points out that given the current economic state and unprecedented budget cuts felt throughout the state of California, having both ugly and pretty applicants to choose from make the hiring decision easier as he’d chose the latter of the two.  He is, however, clear to point out that in an effort at avoid discriminatory practices, he’d consider both unfortunate looking and overweight employees.

    6.  Jeff apologizes to Jenni for the continuous “low blows” throughout the season regarding Chris Elwood until he claims he’s reached the moratorium of apologies.

    7.  Andy and Jenni parallel Trace and Jeff; how different they are including style, talent, youth, and inner love.

    8.  Links, Google, and suspicion; Jeff and Ryan talk for the first time in nearly four months.  Their reunion started off quite cordial awkward, with Jeff demanding an apology right off the bat.

     “I wasn’t the one who exhibited suspicious behavior, I wasn’t the one who slithered around, I wasn’t the one who set-up googling links in my partner’s name, I wasn’t the one to set-up a deceptive website” (which by the way is “temporarily closed;” I wonder why?).

     Anyone want to take a stab at how many thieved recruited clients it takes to purchase a website on the secondary market?

    Ryan, who’d rather not declare a draw per Andy’s request and instead declaring a “Mexican Standoff” between the two, told us there are times he wants to pick up the phone and have Jeff over for dinner; “I get mad, upset, then get over it, wanting to call Jeff, but then Dale gets upset, my parents get upset, and I end up having to explain to my 90 year-old grandmother why I just can’t apologize to Jeff for no wrong doing.”

    “I don’t know how you can fucking sleep at night!”

    Andy, wiping the sweat away from his forehead, asks Zoila to drop the central heat a few clicks as he prepares the audience for a show only a Bravolebrity could present.  Jeff claims, “you know you did this; you know you did this!  I don’t know how you can fucking sleep at night [you bitch]!”  Cue Ryan’s tears, “like everyone else in America, Andy, I was watching the paranoia events unfold.”  Jeff, however, sees things a little differently and explains how Ryan has had 4 months to build a rebuttal.  If only Ryan, a web optimizer neuroscience major / decorator for those new to the show, apologized on behalf of his suspicious circumstances due to “having a baby in private school, an 11K a month mortgage, and a partner who doesn’t work,” their relationship wouldn’t have ended in the place it did. 

     

    Ryan tells Jeff that “once we get out from under the microscope, we may be able to repair this.”

    “I made you rich motherfucker!”

    Jeff (veins poppin’ lips bustin’) sees things a little differently; “I don’t see us moving past this until you apologize.  Aside from the show and the cameras, I don’t let people in my life; I don’t trust that easily.”  We probably won’t speak again after this; I’ve been generous with you and your family; you broke my heart; I know you did this; I know when you’re lying.  I’m sick of this manipulative bullshit; this is the reason people are contacting you with hate mail; they don’t believe you either.”

    Jeff Lewis is like a kiss from God.  Thank you, Bravo.

    I’ll admit that while I may stand alone in my thoughts and may place myself at severe risk of getting UnFacebooked by Ryan, I feel it necessary to point-out his devilish smile and jolting stabs (now everyone can see the “true Jeff Lewis” bullshit).  Anyone else feel the same way or do I stand alone?  It’s not the Ryan (“with the bad haircut”) that I know from Seasons 1 and 2.  Regardless, while Ryan may not have actually received that much business from his mischievous efforts, I agree with Jeff, it was definitely “professional identity theft and false advertising” suspicious.

    9.  Finally, three clips we hadn’t seen until the Reunion include:

    1. Jeff and Jenni take Chloe pet shopping.  On the way back to Ryan’s, Jeff asks Chloe if she like her new fish and Chloe responds with, “you gotta put a ring on it.”  Her response weighs heavily against the others; “girls gone wild, hooters, chardonnay, and big bitch.”
    2. After painstaking searching for an exhausting 10 months, Jeff finally discovers where Jenni lives.
    3. Another lunchtime debate sponsored by El Pollo Loco: to either replace or insure Zoila.
    Monday
    Nov092009

    Imitation is the sincerest... 

    way to make yourself look like a hooker, at least when it comes to Real Housewives of Atlanta's Kim Zolciak. 

    This is Meagan Kim and Big Papa.  Ingenious! 

    Did you notice the cross around BP's neck?  This small detail causes me to imagine a personality for him, a douchebag personality that says, "I can't get divorced because marriage is a covenant.  Out of respect for God, Kim must remain my ho."  I also love the fact that Meagan Kim is holding Marlboro Reds.  You KNOW Kim is hardcore like that!

    Feast your eyes on Kelly Kim:

    Did a chill just run down your spine?  The low-cut dress and that wig are dead-on, but when you add her expression and pose, it's downright CREEPY in its accuracy.  Impressive, Kelly Kim.  Very impressive.

    Thank you, ladies!

    Change of subject:  I bet you think I've forgotten all about the Flipping Out finale, eh?  OH NO I HAVE NOT.  My esteemed tv-watching colleague, Gayhooker, has generously agreed to write a recap for all of you because my lazy ass is feeling overwhelmed right now.  Even though it happened two weeks ago, we must discuss it, no matter how much it hurts.  Look for it tomorrow.

    Thursday
    Nov052009

    The hell?

    "So Gretchen, I'm going to set my camera up by the trash can and then I'll gag you and stick this umbrella up your cooch.  Sound good?"

    Was anyone else COMPLETELY in the dark about Gretchen's kinky nudie photos on the web?  I like to think of myself as, um, a leading expert on RHOC and I had NO IDEA.  The first time I had an inkling of any of this was tonight when they showed the censored photos.   I feel so left out!

    Has Vicki had a little work done?  What do you think of Lynne's cuffs?  Team Tamra or Team Gretchen?  Were you DYING at Jeana stuffing her face ("you gonna eat that macaroni?") during the big fight at the end?  God help me, I LOVE THIS SHOW. 

    Wednesday
    Nov042009

    Drop that top, yeah it's my world

    I now present...the Kim Zolciak Halloween Parade!

    1.  First up is Laura.   If Big Papa ever sees this photo, Laura's going to wake up to find an diamond encrusted Escalade in her driveway.  She's Kim, but about 100x hotter.

    Hubba hubba!

    2.  Next is Susan.  I love the flashing of the ca$h here.  Susan is from Kentucky and told me that everyone thought she was Dolly Parton, which is not a bad guess as Kim and Dolly have a few things in common--blonde wigs, an enormous rack and at least one hit song.  Sadly, Dolly is the only one who can sing (and she might be the only one with a vagina).

    Thank you, Susan!

    3.  A couple's costume--Big Papa and Kim (aka Kristin)!  Kim wishes she looked this good:

    Such an eye for detail here--the drained wine glass, the cigarette, the gargantuan boobies.  Excellent work.

    Thank you to Laura, Susan and Kristin for submitting your photos!  I know there are more of you out there, so please email me at scentedglossymagazines[at]gmail[dot]com to share the radiance of your cheap (yet authentic) wigs.

    And now, the real thing!  Here is autotune Kim singing Tardy for the Party, LIVE (kind of).  Andy Cohen's subtle dancing and lip-synching...well, it makes me happy to be alive.

    I think about 5 of you (including me) are psyched for tonight's season premiere of Real Housewives of Orange County.  We will be discussing it.  WOO to the HOO, bitchez!

    Tuesday
    Nov032009

    I'm alive,

    BUT WHAT IS THE POINT now that my Tuesday nights are as empty as Kelly Bensimon's cranial cavity?

     Also, Susannah reported that Rachel Zoe is a big bitch in real life.  Oh God, oh God, I CAN'T BREATHE.

    To keep you entertained while I try to pull it together,

    1. Speaking of that dumbass Kelly, she gives Bethenny parenting advice here. At least I think that's what it is.  It could also be an explanation of how to get pregnant.  (thanks, Malena.)

    2.  Megan tipped us off to these photos in the comments of the last post and if you didn't look at them, well, you need to look at them.  I mean, REALLY:

    I'm starting to feel better already. 

    3.  Any of you dress up as Kim Zolciak for Halloween?  Send me photos!