"She's a sexy pistol! She loves men, parties, and she's a little crazy and that's what I love about her."
Sunday, April 18, 2010 
Just for fun, I put LuAnn's description of new castmate Sonja Morgan into Google Translate and it came back with this: "She needs to act her age. She sleeps around, drinks too much and I started the rumor that she's a pill popper. I can't stand the sight of her."
Welcome, Sonja!
It's true, there were much worse things said during this episode of Real Housewives of New York City, but you know what? I won't give Jill the satisfaction. She was astonishingly, jaw-droppingly rude and malicious every time she appeared on screen. And Ramoner! She was okay until those last 10 minutes when she lost all of her goddamn marbles. Just opened her head and they all clattered to the floor right in front of us. What a mess! An ugly, miserable, highly entertaining mess.
Let's recap!
1. LuAnn arrives at Sonja's to collect clothes for her poor people charity party. There is double-cheek kissing and French-speaking and THEN what does LuAnn spy on Sonja's table in the entryway but a prominently displayed 8x10 photo of Kelly Bensimon's imaginary boyfriend Max, all shirtless and oiled up. Isn't that a coincidence! Of course LuAnn questions it and Sonja gives an explanation which really amounts to "I paid for a few of his expenses and he agreed to put his P in my V."
2. Cut to All About Sonja, which is the clip you saw in the previous post. The summary: she grew up rich, married some rich old dude and got richer, they had a child and an amicable divorce/huge settlement, and now she's a professional horndog. In all honesty, she doesn't seem that bad but she is on this show so I'm sure she's majorly awful on some level. (Did you see that she claims she signed on to RHNYC without ever watching? Wow, it's a good thing Bravo got to her before Rock of Love did because apparently she'll agree to be on any ol' reality show.)
3. Sonja has agreed to donate some of her clothes to LuAnn's pretend charity. She informs LuAnn that she has so many closets to choose from--the Miami closet, the Colorado closet, the Palm Beach closet, and then of course the one with all of those skeletons. Sonja has already selected a few items (another closet, another floor) and calls her housekeeper to "just throw them in the elevator." LuAnn raises her eyebrows. An elevator? She murmurs something like, "Aren't you lucky. We never had an elevator." She flares her nostrils slightly, which betrays her deep sadness and humiliation that she has been forced to use stairs in her own home all these years, like some sort of commoner.
"No elevator. Not even a chair lift. It's just one more way Count Shithead has managed to embarrass me."
LuAnn hints to Sonja that she should host the charity cocktail party at her elevatored home, and Sonja agrees. The party will be on the first floor, unless there are more than a couple hundred people, in which case she could possibly open up the second floor. That's New York City for you--all of these limitations on space. Such a shame.
The clothes arrive in the elevator, literally dumped in, which is fine because really, they're just rags: a Chanel suit, some "Ralph" and a Calvin Klein dress that isn't even from the high end line. As they sift through the clothes, LuAnn makes a passive-aggressive remark about Sonja squeezing "like a sausage" into a skirt and we can tell it instantly makes her feel better about the elevator situation. The scene ends when Sonja tells LuAnn that she feels good about getting rid of these things because she just needs to "move on with less stuff."
But not that much less. After all, her Tallahassee closet is just getting started.
4. Jill and Bobby are having lunch. Jill explains to the camera that at Ramoner's, Bethenny had given Jill a note for Bobby. Jill was so "shell-shocked and damaged" that she couldn't even face ripping it open and reading it for him. But now that she's had time to recover, she wants to know what the lettah says. Bobby says it was a nice lettah and that Bethenny said she would have visited had she known about the cansuh. Jill, grasping for something to bitch about, shakes her head in disappointment and says "she didn't write me a lettah."
Un-fucking-believable.
Jill: She didn't write me a lettah.
Bobby: Actually, she did. I just forgot to give it to you. Here it is.
Jill: I can't believe she wrote me a lettah! What, she can't sit down and talk to me face to face? Can you see how crazy she is?
Bobby: But she did try to talk to you face to face.
Jill: Yeah. Can you believe the nerve of that one?
You're lucky you got out when you did Bethenny. It's a no-win situation.
5. Bethenny is a spokesperson for PEPPERIDGE FARMS and is tiredly hawking sandwiches from a cart in some touristy location. Who shows up in line but Alex! Bethenny steps away from her post and a circle of spectators starts to form, snapping photos as Bethenny tells Alex that her dying dad refused to see her. She also fills Alex in on the fight with Jill at Ramoner's. "Another slammed door in my face," she laments.
Bethenny, did ever it occur to you that Jill might like to have a door slammed in her face too? No? How incredibly thoughtless. No wonder you two aren't friends anymore.
6. Jill is wandering around in Central Park when who rolls up in a rickshaw? Countess Butthole! Obviously still stinging from the fact that Sonja has an elevator, LuAnn has decided to console herself by hiring an illegal alien to pedal her around the park.
Jill thinks it's an asshole move too. "Since we don't have royalty, this is how the Countess arrives to an event. How cute is that?" She makes it clear that "how cute is that" really means "what a pretentious bitch."
LuAnn: Darling, of course I'm not going to pay him. He asked me if I needed a ride, and in my world, when you invite someone, you foot the bill.
Jill and Lu stroll around the park and talk. LuAnn says she wants to go to a sweat lodge and this somehow reminds Jill of Yom Kippur and atonement. "Ahm supposed ta fahgive everyone that I feel wronged me." Hmmm, who could she be talking about? Bethenny, maybe? Because she talked to Jill/didn't talk to Jill, wrote a letter/didn't write a letter, etc.? Whatever. I didn't even listen to the rest of this part because I was too busy fantasizing about Jill getting a little boom boom POW to the mouth, but I think we all know that she's relishing the thought of hating Bethenny for a good long time.
LuAnn confesses she has a crush on someone! He's young, he's French, he's Jewish! Oh, the Count would have a stroke if he only knew, giggles LuAnn. Hmmm, I disagree. I think he'd just shrug and keep banging his new piece. Jill expresses a bit of annoyance that LuAnn is hogging a nice Jewish boy when Jill's Jewish girlfriends could really use one, but on the other hand, I'm sure she'd be upset if LuAnn was dating a non-Jew: "What are ya doing, ya idiot? I keep tellin ya that Jewish men make the best husbands."
7. Ramoner, dressed in lingerie, breaks open the bub and tells Mario she'd like to renew their vows. Thank God, because that's just what this series needs, ANOTHER GODDAMN RENEWAL OF VOWS CEREMONY. Jesus Christ.
8. Brooklyn Fashion Week! Everyone is so excited!!!!!! Except not at all. In fact, all of the Housewives think it's a major hassle and a huge favor to Alex and Simon. We see Alex working hard on the production side of things, such as arranging and rearranging the long black rubber mat that is the runway.
As showtime nears, Ramoner is backstage, nervous about walking down the runway. One of the designers tells her to relax, to look at her husband and pretend she's going to "ravish him." "I did earlier!" Ramoner screeches. GROSS.
Miss Happy Sunshine Jill arrives and growls to the camera, "I was horrified. It was so low rent. The Countess wouldn't be caught dead at anything Alex and Simon would do. LuAnn woulda pulled up with hah driva and driven away. She nevah woulda gotten outta the cah."
Jill and Kelly are talking backstage when Ramoner walks up. "Ya necklace doesn't match!" Jill screams and Ramoner visibly stiffens. Jill smirks, knowing she's hit where it hurts because the necklace is from Ramoner's own line. She continues. "Is that supposed to show, the brawr?" Ramoner silently fumes and tells the camera that Jill is jealous because she's not participating in the show. Jill appears to back off a little when she says to Ramoner, "Where is Mario? He didn't want to see his hot sexy wife walk down the runway?" BUT THEN she walks away, looking at the camera, making her gag face. It was shockingly mean.
Oooooh, Jill. You are going to get it! A big, steaming pile of revenge courtesy of Ramoner, and it will drop like a fat turd when you least expect it. I can't wait!
9. Showtime! Guess what? Jill, sitting in the front row, hates everything. Every single damn thing. She's complaining non-stop to Simon, the man married to one of the organizers of this whole show. She is being truly and embarrassingly awful.
Kelly is the first Housewife down the runway, and she is so brown and beefy and glistening that she looks like a hot dog left on the rollers too long at 7-Eleven. Mmmm, hotdog with mustard.
She tells the camera she loves this dress...except for the cut and the color, which she hates. But she loves that dress!
Alex walks out and Jill says to the camera, "I really expected a lot. She's got the body of a fashion model, maybe not the face. [!!!] She was so serious and mean!" She whispers to Simon, "Tell huh to slow down! Too fast." AS IF SIMON CAN DO ANYTHING ABOUT IT.
Ramoner makes her now-infamous charge down the runway. Her eyes are bursting from her head, and I imagine all of her eye muscles are holding on for dear life. She looks like she's been possessed by the devil himself.
Jill has never been more entertained in her life! She is guffawing and elbowing Simon and calling 'Moner an idiot. I want to enjoy Ramoner's shitballs-crazy performance but I can't because Jill is being so over-the-top mean and nasty.
After the show, Jill bolts without saying a word to anyone. Ramoner noticed. Oh yes, Ramoner noticed.
10. Kelly takes Simon shopping. WTF.
11. Bethenny is in her bathroom at home. She unwraps a pregnancy test and plops down on the toilet. That's right. We see the side of her naked butt and thigh. As she pees. On a stick. On the toilet, on national television. The Bravo crew are the first people to know she's preggers, and so are we, in a way. She can't get ahold of Jason or anyone really, until she finally reaches a friend. She's shocked, and doesn't seem too thrilled. This wasn't planned, she's going to get fat, etc. What a loving record for her unborn child!
12. Jill is doing an event for Kodak and has invited LuAnn, Kelly and Ramoner. I think "hello" is halfway out of Jill's mouth when Ramoner (wearing her Primo outfit) goes in for the kill: "why did you choose Kodak? Because they're antiquated. They're in trouble financially." Jill stares at Ramoner in disbelief before calling her a moron. [Side note: LOVED anon's comment "How LOW was Kodak's budget that they picked Jill Zarin as a spokesperson?" Hahahahaha!]
Ramoner quickly changes the subject to the fashion show, and how it hurt her feelings that Jill did not come backstage after. Jill does some fakey-fake bullshit about "I didn't mean to snub you," when of course she did, but Ramoner is like a dog with a bone. Jill is PISSED and tells Ramoner to leave. She storms off to complain to LuAnn and does Ramoner leave? HELL NO. In fact, she's just getting warmed up!
Kelly steps in to try to reason with Ramoner, but that doesn't work (duh) and guess what, I like Kelly's Pocahontas at the Disco cuff! I really do. Kelly calls Ramoner "incredibly rude" and walks off. The cheese stands alone.
Sonja shows up and LuAnn introduces her to Jill and Kelly. There is an awkward conversation about Imaginary Boyfriend Max; awkward because both Sonja and Kelly have slept with him and LuAnn will not rest until she drives that point home. Not having an elevator has never felt so good!
Jill and LuAnn are all "Sonja, wait til you meet that nutjob Ramoner" and Sonja says "I know Ramoner! We go way back!" Then she tells the most awesome story about Ramoner stealing a dress from her at a sample sale a few years back.
Sonja walks up to Ramoner, who is being ignored like a fart in church, and they start reminiscing about old times. Sonja seems to be genuinely fond of her.
Then the boring Kodak presentation starts and Jill is introduced onstage. Ramoner thinks that this would be the perfect chance to start yelling in Kelly's face. It is a fucking kamikaze mission--everyone is mad at her anyway, so why not just light everything on fire on the way down? Ramoner LOSES it on Kelly, who is confused and flustered. Jill has a frozen smile on her face, watching and listening to it all go down. Ramoner finally gets chased off, leaving Kelly a jittery, blabbering mess. Jill is furious and IT IS WAR. You bet your sweet ass it is.
Next week, Jill and Bethenny hate on each other more, Ramoner and Mario have their magical and unique recommitment ceremony, and Sonja talks about her youthful vagina.
Have at it!
Reader Comments (36)
Excellent recap!!! The only thing I liked from this weeks show was Bethany's adorable dog.
You know, I've been a long-time reader of this blog, and then you go on hiatus, just abandon me when I needed you most. What about me? And here you are, just showing up without warning to ambush me with your hilarious, snarky recap. I am so over it. I just can't have the toxicity in my life.
(Oh, who am I kidding? Please never go away again.)
Countless will be bff's with Sonja because she can teach Countless how to pick up men, besides the French, Jewish, young man that she found hanging out at the bus station, maybe Countless can hook up with Max too, plus she better call her Real Estate Agent , she needs to add a elevator to her wish list for her Pied a terre ,
The only thing that would have made this better was if you were sitting next to me on the couch while the episode aired! LMAO funny! The best!
Oh, I am SO glad you're back! Nobody can recap the RHONYC like you--seriously, it's like you get in my head and confirm the flaring nostrils that I wasn't sure if I imagined, and then you finish it off with their most secretest thoughts. Genius! I missed this.
I've officially decided that since I actually have cancer, I am going to contact Jill Zarin and ask her to accompany me to all my doctor appointments, so that she can tell them to cut out my cansuh, and that I don't like having the cansuh in my life, that it's toxic, and that when Bobby had cansuh, they sliced him open from ear to ear, and for my cansuh they should slice me from brawr to brawr.
Poor Bethany. You know, babies are very grabby. And Jason hates grabby. I simply can't wait for "Skinny Mommy" to hit the bookshelves so I can have some more social pressure to be a size 0 while chasing my children all over the farking city.
I just say thank goodness for this show, because what would be the fun in having these people be pretentious assholes in private when they can do it in public and be so hilariously recapped by SGM every week. Good to have you back.
Bravo, bravo! And I mean it. Jill has become an awful, awful, awful person this season. I know she's on this mission to prove that she's somehow "better off" without Bethenny as a friend, but in turn it's just made her into a bitching, ranting, angry ball of insecurity. I know the producers edit this shit, but you're right- I was shocked at how mean she was being. There's no editing the completely bizarre and venomous stuff that came out of her mouth on last week's episode, holy cow.
Kelly and Simon shopping together made me giddy. I'm finding those two (and Alex) ridiculously likable this season. Simon used to aggravate me, but he's a total dork and seems to be quite happy with his dorky self; he embraces it (not an easy task in bad leather pants) and doesn't take himself too seriously. I dig it.
No words for the hot mess that is Sonja. I'm pretty sure she's going to make Luann and/or Jill completely self-destruct (not that it'd be hard, with how insecure those two are), and for that I already like her. ;)
The recap made me cry with laughter, yet again! Thank you for coming back to your faithful fans!!!!
YES SHES BACK! I am so glad you chose this episode to come back....it was too good not to recap. These bitches are CRAZY!!
But did Max REALLY put it in either one of those cougstresses? Something tells me Max is a placebo boyfriend.
Raising the larger question: Just who is Sonja getting all this alleged dick from? All I can think is maybe some Eurotrash arch-duke of Franistan who bought his title on eBay.
You know last season I couldn't have imagined this show without Jill...but her semi fame has completely gone to her head. I hope they kick her off, she has lost it.
Hey, I need you when I miss a show, they are all so snarky and over the top. Unbelievable!!
I have a new post and interview up I think you will enjoy!
Karena
Art by Karena
Man, I missed you! Glad you're back :-)
Can you imagine Sonja and the Ramoner-caoster hanging out? Oh, the crazy that would happen!
I'm so glad that I'm not the only one who caught the whole "letter" thing. First Jill is pissed Bethany didn't contact Bobby, so B writes a letter and all Jill can say is how she didn't get one? My GOD. What a lunatic. Jill and the Countless are both deserving of each other. Crazy biotches.
You are one fucking funny bitch. srsly.
Luanne's glee at telling Kelly and Sonja they had slept with the same man was unbelievable!
So glad you are back! :o)
I feel bad for poor Bethanny's baby when it sees the footage of her mom peeing on a stick. Really....REALLY??
I love this season!
Freakin' Hilarious SGM! Seriously, you should have seen me trying to cover my laughter at the whole "fart in church" bit while sitting at my desk at work. I love how you are able to come up with awesome descriptions and words to describe these assholes and the shit they do, when the only word I can think of is "CRAZY!"....love reading everyday!
Ok, the Pocahontas at the Disco cuff isn't bad, but $520!?!?! Seriously!?! No thank you Ms. Bensimon.
so freaking happy to have you back. "ignored like a fart in church." you KILL me.
everyone else has said it better than i can but my god, i am laughing out loud alone in my living; like, gasping for air laughing. you nailed every fucking thing!
YES! SGM, you've made my day. Ps and Vs and taking the stairs like a commoner - alls I know, dahling, is you rule.
I FUCKING HATE RAMONER. The attack on Kelly - dear God. Someone (not Kelly; she's on probation!) PLEASE BEAT HER UP. Please. Everyone else gets their comeuppance - I don't think Ramoner is truly crazy - she's just the meanest twunt bitchmonster ever (...except for Vicki and Tamra.)
Countess Butthole in the rickshaw. People are staring because I laughed so loudly.
Please don't leave us again!! I LOVE your recaps; you alone make the show worth watching!
FYI: Max puts his p in my a all the time...