What tipped you off, Ramoner? Was it Kelly's incoherent ranting about vampires and murder plots? Or was it when she followed that up by scampering off to her room, laughing hysterically, and then breezily returning to offer everyone jellybeans and lollipops?
Here's the thing: up until this episode, it has been tremendously enjoyable and satisfying to make fun of Kelly Bensimon. She is aggressively stupid and patronizing, which is a winning combination for any reality tv show. But now she's thrown a big wrench into things. As this episode of Real Housewives of New York City made clear, she is either mentally ill, physically ill, and/or on some sort of brain-eating drug, all of which are serious and decidedly un-funny conditions.
Many of you have spoken up about your concern for Kelly (and damn if you people don't know a lot about meth. Clearly I'm not watching enough Intervention). We can only hope that the people around her are working to get her some help (although if her Sunday night twitter feed is any indication, she's still into the bad stuff, whatever that may be).
Her situation requires sensitivity, which is not my strong suit. AT ALL. And also, I have a feeling you don't come here to get deep. I believe it was Flipping Out's Jeff Lewis who once said (and I'm paraphrasing), "the best way to deal with heavy and emotionally-loaded situations is to crack a few jokes and perhaps apologize later." So I'm not going to tone it down too much--and you can bet your sweet bippy I am going to go balls-out against Jill.
Let's start at the beginning.
1. It is a beautiful and sunshiney morning on the S.S. Disaster. After presumably clinging to the toilet puking Pinot into the wee hours of the morning, Ramoner is chipper and freshly bikini-ed. She bubbles over with happy memories of the night before, especially Turtle Time, when she gleefully thrashed and seized all over the dance floor with Alex and Bethenny. Sonja chimes in to report that she and Kelly had a wild and fun night too, which included Kelly jumping into bed with her and invading her personal space.
Sonja: No, no, it really was hilarious when Kelly woke me in the middle of the night by howling in my face. I do wish she wouldn't have peed on my phone or chased me around the deck with that fire extinguisher, but what can you do? She's a free spirit, that Kelly!
Bethenny can't resist: "did she call you a hobag? Because I'm a chef, author and a hobag."
"No, cook," Kelly clarifies. And we're back to the chef/cook/whatfuckingever argument, and thank God for that because there's nothing I love more than watching these two bicker about the finer points of Bethenny's resumé. GOD. It culminates with Kelly saying "I don't know what you are," and Bethenny, forgetting that she's arguing with the mental equivalent of a stalk of celery, yells "stop the fucking bullshit!" They trade insults (kind of, Kelly just can't hit the mark, which infuriates Bethenny all the more) until Kelly says, out of nowhere, "satchels of gold."
What?
Silence. Then Alex tries to distract everyone by babbling to Bethenny about "oh, Simon is making chocolate flambé peach pancakes for the children and wants to know how much bourbon he should add?" At least I think that's what she said; I was still trying to wrap my brain around satchels of gold. SATCHELS OF GOLD.
2. Ramoner is bouncing around on deck telling everyone that their next stop is even better than the yacht. You'd better believe it is! Bravo took a big hit on this one--Andy Cohen will be skipping lunch for months--because the ladies anchor down in a tropical paradise and drive to the most spectacular villa you have ever seen. These jaded New Yorkers melt into puddles over this place, it is so beautiful, and I can't help but imagine what Jill would say if she were there.
"Bobby, you should see this place. Ramoner knows I hate when my stuff gets all sandy, yet she booked a house on a beach. Who does that?! And the ocean! It's so frigging loud. It's giving me the worst headache."
3. Later that night, Bethenny drops a Skinnygirl bag, monogrammed with Kelly's initials, at Kelly's door. B explains that she wanted to surprise everyone with a totebag full of promotional material goodies. Am I the only one who could not stop thinking about how much it must have cost her to check 4 of those huge bags, and how they had to be lugged from the airplane to the yacht to the villa, and what a pain in the ass?
Anyhow, Kelly does not appreciate the effort and opens the bag as if it was filled with live snakes. "So impersonal," she says to herself, and I totally agree. Monograms are just so...anonymous. "I don't understand this girl," she whispers as she flings herself on the bed and bursts into tears.
Okay, definitely weird but I just assumed there was some editing mish-mash going on because why would someone cry over a dropped-off swag bag? Especially if it contained food. (Bethenny, please tell me there was food in there.)
She calls Jill for some consolation and guidance. What does Jill say? "LUANN AND I TOLD YOU NOT TO GO!" Oh, Jesus. Kelly is talking and talking and saying she's having nightmares "ERR ERR ERR" and it's making her scream "ERR ERR ERR." The other thing about Bethenny? "She tries to literally claw your eyes out." Wow, I must have missed that part.
She continues. "NO, I don't have double D fake tits in my face." I'm not sure what this means, but I can confirm that Kelly's double D fake tits are indeed not in her face but in her armpits.
There's a lot more blathering and when she finally slows down, Jill advises her to "be a lady" and to stay away from Bethenny. To the camera, she says she's worried that she's not on this trip when so much good shit is going down and that Kelly's not making any sense. DUH.
4. It's the next morning, and Bethenny, Ramoner and Alex are in the kitchen getting breakfast when Kelly gallops in with a "complaint pad." All of this gibberish comes out of her mouth about writing down complaints, then throwing them away, like in 4th grade, but it's cathartic, so stick your complaints in the fish jar BYE!!!!!!!! Bethenny's all "par for the course, my friends" but the look on Alex's face is one of pure confusion. She says to the camera something like "I don't know what her 4th grade was like, but I didn't do anything like that."
Kelly tells the camera that she wants to take photos of everyone down on the beach. It's her gift to them, "an actual image they can go home with." I'm glad she elaborated on that because I was really unsure about what a photo was. Bethenny declines: "I don't want to be with cookadoodledoo."
5. Sonja and Ramoner have their own separate photo sessions with Kelly on the beach. I have such fondness for Sonja and Ramoner, both of whom confidently hump the sand and make pouty faces at the camera.
Both women, by the way, have SMOKING bodies (my husband still isn't convinced that Ramoner is in her 50s).
Then it's Alex's turn. Oh boy. Kelly puts on her fake glasses for this one, and starts telling Alex how to pose.
It is awkward and uncomfortable and Kelly's shouting "your Johan face! Soft face, Johan face, Alex!" over and over while a bewildered Alex is contorting her face, desperately trying to figure out what Kelly means, but only succeeding in looking like a member of the Manson family.
6. Back in New York City, Jill is name-dropping and ice-skating in a fancy dress on some fancy rink that she didn't have permission to be on. Her presence is interfering with the practice of other skaters and a coach yells at her to get off the ice. The nerve! So rude.
7. Jill and Lu have dinner. Jill relates the details of Kelly's panicked phone call and says that Kelly was a blubbering wreck. LuAnn's all "thank God we're not down there," and Jill says "Me too! By the way, I'm changing my plans so I can go down there to surprise Ramoner and try to make up with Bethenny."
Of course.
She adds, half-jokingly, "I hope I don't have to call you on a rescue mission." LuAnn does not hesitate with her reply: "if you do, I'm not coming." Funny.
"You're on your own, bitch."
8. Now for the main event. I think I held my breath for most of it, and maybe even blacked out a few times, but I'll do my best to summarize.
Bethenny is cooking everyone dinner as a present to Ramoner. Ramoner, Sonja and Alex are having cocktails and Kelly is with them, but talking on the phone. Ramoner, in her typically abrupt fashion, tells her to go to the other room and Kelly sneers, "honestly? It's about you." Then she continues to stay there until she hangs up, at which point she gives a disproportionately angry speech about "DON'T MESS WITH MY KIDS."
Now I feel a little zing down my spine because I can tell this is the beginning of Kelly's trip to cuckoo-town.
They take their seats for dinner and Kelly doesn't want to sit across from Bethenny, so she moves two feet over. Kelly tells the camera that no one is her friend and it's four against one (which has continued to be her "defense" since this episode aired). This is just another sign of the loony talk she has going on in her head because Sonja was trying so hard to chill things out and ultimately protected Kelly in a way that Jill Zarin nevah evah would have.
In a moment of what appears to be lucidity, Kelly expresses concern for Bethenny--she's pregnant and running around cooking/chef-ing for everyone. "I'm worried about you!"
"I'm sure you are," Bethenny responds with more than a hint of sarcasm and Sonja quickly changes the subject to "ooooh, the food is so delicious and I should know because I have dined in many 5-star restaurants." Bethenny makes joke about "what are you, a hooker?" and it's funny. But one person (guess who!) does not get the humor, as we see later.
The subject turns to Jill, and Kelly reports that Jill is also worried about Bethenny and will she use ZARIN FABRICS for the nursery? I made that last part up. Everyone starts to chime in on the Jill issue and Kelly shouts "this is not a forum!" several times. Weird, so fucking weird. 'Moner tells her to stop shutting everyone down and stands to issue a formal apology to Bethenny for the Brooklyn Bridge fight. But Kelly CANNOT stop talking. As Ramoner goes to sit on Bethenny's chair to get away from Kelly's noise, Kelly asks if Ramoner is going to make out with Bethenny and "give her the tongue." Sonja GASPS, a beautiful, loud intake of air that expresses everyone's shock.
Kelly starts with the "ZIP IT" and yells at Ramoner for making Bethenny cry on the Brooklyn Bridge. Complete jibberish just spews from her mouth. Bethenny and Ramoner, eyes bulging, leave the table, and Sonja tells Kelly "I can't even defend you any more!" and calls out to the other ladies, "please don't abandon me!"
I officially endorse Sonja Morgan. My favorite housewife of all time right now.
Kelly is shouting about "what is this? Free to Be You and Me 1979?!" (Incidentally, I loved the commenter who said "what HAPPENED to her in 1979?!" So funny.) She then sets her sights on Alex but ends up going completely non-linear. Even more non-linear than before, that is. Kelly is starting to froth at the mouth as she tells Alex that Alex has so much pent up anger and rage (contrast with Alex listening calmly) and then this somehow segues into I AM HAVING NIGHTMARES AND THROWING UP AND BETHENNY IS TRYING TO KILL ME!
We can practically hear her brain sizzling.
Bethenny and 'Moner reappear and ask what's going on. Sonja's all "hell if I know." Kelly tells everyone that Alex's message to Jill was out of control and then she says, very seriously, that ALEX IS CHANNELING A VAMPIRE WITH TERRIBLE MAKE-UP.
Alex doesn't know whether to laugh or cry, and when anyone tries to talk, Kelly repeats her line of the night: "ZIP IT!"
Ramoner is slugging the wine and making cuckoo signs behind Kelly's back and Bethenny is laughing hysterically. Bethenny and Alex leave the table, and Ramoner has this unnerving high pitched squealing laughter as she trots off behind them.
Kelly, who now looks like something that has crawled out of Ginger's butt, is crying to Sonja that Bethenny has attacked her kids and called Sonja a hooker. Sonja shakes her head, "you're getting weird."
The other women come back for more and Kelly is talking about reality, and the facts, both of which are clearly beyond her grasp. Bethenny tries to express this by saying some version of "you can't handle the truth!" and Kelly says "Al Sharpton!" and then something about hair.
We are watching Kelly lose her fucking mind.
Finally, she excuses herself. She runs down the hall, barefoot feet slapping the tile as she laughs maniacally. Whew. It's over.
But oh God no no no please no she's back, eating handfuls of jellybeans and offering lollipops. She is shouting more nonsense and talking about not sleeping and Bethenny utters the long-awaited GO TO SLEEP! But we had no idea it was going to go down like this. In fact, I think I'd say we were ambushed by this episode. Oh, it is quite a glass of icy water down the pants.
Everyone is all amped up, save for Sonja, and there's kind of a Lord of the Flies vibe going on, so when Sonja implores everyone to stop because something is clearly wrong with Kelly, part of me is screaming "NO! NO! BLOOD! WE WANT BLOOD!" The other part of me is mewling on the couch.
Unbelievably, Kelly just sits there chomping on her jellybeans while everyone discusses the fact that she is insane for reals.
She doesn't defend herself, doesn't deny it, just sits there. Bethenny apologizes (kind of) for the GO TO SLEEP and Kelly talks about how she doesn't like "the chatter," and people are crazy about her (!!!) because she doesn't put up with it. (Which is news to me because her whole existence seems to be nothing but chatter.)
Anyhow, all of the ladies are giving each other the side-eye and breathing sighs of relief as Kelly comes down. Ramoner toasts to "good things for everyone" and the most disturbing episode in the history of Bravo is OVER. Goddamn.
Bombs away, my darlings. I know you have more to say.
Thursday, May 27, 2010 
