"She panicked, and she pooped."
Tuesday, April 27, 2010 
She sure did! The poor thing was frightened half to death. She tried to escape and even brought out her sharp little claws, but in the end, she did what she always does when she feels threatened--she pooped all over everyone and everything and made a big embarrassing mess.
I'm talking about Jill, of course. When she heard that Bethenny was not only in her immediate area but newly engaged, well. Fight or flight and shit-the-pants took over. We saw it with our own eyes.
Before we start, did anyone actually take my advice and go to Dairy Queen for the Blizzard sale? I don't know about your DQ, but it was fucking AMATEUR NIGHT at mine. People parking willy nilly, blocking other cars in, running in like their hair was on fire, only to find themselves in a line 15 people deep. And that was just me! What a sight.
Here is your Real Housewives of New York City recap:
1. Jill's dog Ginger (aka "Gingah") hasn't been eating well and Jill is convinced she's seriously ill. Apparently Ginger has severe anxiety every time she visits the vet, so Jill orders up a housecall. In other words, she plans an AMBUSH, Real Housewives-style. As soon as the vet walks in the door, Ginger realizes what's up and proceeds to have a full-blown hissy fit just like her mama did at Ramoner's. She craps what looks to be twice her body weight all over Jill's living room, which is suddenly and inexplicably filled with lots of people. Jill is running around frantically, yelling for water and smearing dog turds into her chairs and carpet. My favorite part is when she calls for perfume, because everyone knows that's how you clean--just dump some perfume on those brown stains and call it good!
Ginger's fine by the way, aside from being portrayed as a disgusting little creature who constantly farts, eats Jill's boogers and poops all over the house. I took several bites of cereal while typing that sentence. What do you think about THAT?
2. Bethenny enters Alex and Simon's buzzing, glowing, pulsating sex den. Oops, I mean living room. Alex has asked her new friend Bethenny over to pick at some salad and braid each other's lank hair, but guess what? Bethenny has news! She's engaged! To JASON JASON JASON JASON! "He liked it so much he put a ring on it," Bethenny cracks, which never gets old, NEVER, not even after we have heard her repeat this exact sentence to the press 100 times. God.
There is awkward hugging, and Alex seems to be excited although she is distracted by the salad dressing, which just isn't coming together. At this point, Bethenny tells the camera that it's refreshing to have someone be genuinely happy for her with no strings attached. Oooh, can you feel her staring pointedly at Jill through the tv screen?
Bethenny tells the story of how Jason proposed, it was so romantic, blah blah blah. We don't see any footage of it, which can only mean that Jason popped the question while they were in North Korea or at Jeff Lewis' house after dark (the only two places on earth where Bethenny can't grant Bravo permission to film).
Alex and Bethenny have the following conversation, complete with strikeouts:
"So when's this wedding going to be?"
"Oh, it depends on the production schedule we really haven't thought about it. It just happened!"
"Do you want a big media clusterfuck wedding?"
"No, we want something small, very low-key. In other words, a total circus with at least five sponsors. I've already contacted PEPPERIDGE FARM, maker of quality baked goods, and they're in for 10 grand if I wear a dress made of Milanos."
Bethenny tells Alex that she is the very first person Bethenny's told about the engagement, and while Alex tells the camera that she finds this very touching and a symbol of how close they have become, the rest of us (may I speak for you?) find it rather sad. If your reality show castmate, the one you called desperate and delusional last season, is the very first person on the earth you tell about your engagement, you're hurtin' in the friend department.
Bethenny tells the camera that she's not going to tell anyone about her pregnancy just yet. Unlike peeing on the toilet, some things are private.
3. Ramoner and Sonja have lunch the day after the big Kodak debacle. They reminisce for a quick moment before Sonja segues into "wtf happened last night?" Ramoner shrugs and basically says "Jill is very sensitive and simply does not understand my inquisitive nature." This is is what I find amazing about Ramoner--she puts on a world-class exhibit of rudeness and then when someone later confronts her on it, she does the verbal equivalent of spraying perfume on it. Guess what, Ramoner? It doesn't cover up the stank. Just ask Jill.
The topic turns to Kelly. Sonja sees her all over and has been introduced to her a million times, yet last night Kelly was all "...and you are?" Ramoner tries to explain that Kelly doesn't remember women, but it's even simpler than that: Kelly doesn't remember anything at all, except for that one time Bethenny called her Madonna. That she remembers, and she clings to it like a castaway holding onto a rickety raft in a vast, empty ocean.
4. Cut to Kelly in the Hamptons, trying to make pancakes from a mix. It's extremely difficult for her, mainly because I don't think she's ever used a stove or a spatula before. She's a pretty good sport about it though, and after she melts the spatula and nibbles on it a bit, she drifts away and lets her children finish the job.
5. Okay, here's the deal. It is 1am as I write this and my brain just crapped out. I can't go on. I realize I didn't even cover the best part, which was Jill and Bethenny's most agonizing meeting to date. My tv frosted over!
"I know Bethenny got engaged just to make me completely anxious and uncomfortable."
I need you to take over in the comments and tell me what you think about the Countess' apartment hunting, Jill and Bethenny, and of course, this:
Also--many of you already know about the Countess' song, but if you haven't heard it in all of its full-length tonedeaf glory, please click here. WOW. If you see me today and I am giggling uncontrollably to myself, it is because this song is playing in my head.
I bet you anything there's a pack of dogs howling right outside that studio door.
Mason of Seattle's Movin 92.5 and I did hit all of the high points of RHNYC when we talked last Friday. Listen here:
Reader Comments (34)
1. Jill is an asshole.
2. The Countess is too broke to live in NYC.
3. Ramoner stole Sonjers sample sale dress. What a troll.
Jill's a bitch. Bethenny reached out to her TWICE, on the phone and in person and was shot down. Completely, unequivocally shot down. Now that she smells a wedding, Jill decides to be the biggah person. And when Bethenny rebuffs her she's going to go around telling everyone how SHE tried and B was so mean to HER. She has turned into a real shrew.
"Kelly doesn't remember anything at all, except for that one time Bethenny called her Madonna. That she remembers, and she clings to it like a castaway holding onto a rickety raft in a vast, empty ocean."
I don't know if that was an intentional "Swept Away" reference (shudder) but regardless, using it as yet another example as to why you rock.
I haven't even read the whole post yet, but this sentence?
"Ginger's fine by the way, aside from being portrayed as a disgusting little creature who constantly farts, eats Jill's boogers and poops all over the house. I took several bites of cereal while typing that sentence. What do you think about THAT"
made me laugh out loud. Yes. I am a lawyer who has the sense of humor of a six year old.
...“she plans an AMBUSH”
...“she does the verbal equivalent of spraying perfume on it”
...“she clings to it like a castaway holding onto a rickety raft in a vast, empty ocean”
AWESOME.
HA! I just listened to Luanne's song: "Money Can't Buy You Class"......No Luanne .....it can't.
I missed way too much of this episode....Will have to look for the reruns.
Re the Countess' recording, I just couldn't make it through the whole thing but does anyone know just who this "song" was targeted for? I find it very odd.
I am so bored with RHONY. I'm ready for New Jersey. It just seems as if their (RHONY) lives are fake. The story lines are sooo over done. I stop watching two Thursday's ago.
Some of your finer lines that once again made me laugh far too loud.
I'm speechless from the Countess' song -- couldn't make it past 45 seconds. How many special vocal effects can you pile into one song to cover the yodeling of a no-talent?
Coming out of lurker status to say...
I think I love you.
Happy Birthday you sexy bitch!
you're such a super star!! listening to your radio show now - awesome!!
I have nothing- I'm already distracted and jacked up for this gem !
http://www.bravotv.com/bethenny-getting-married/season-1/about
P.S. Just found this little tidbit as well - Seriously awesome breakdown of the who and what of our little Miss Sonja.
http://realestalker.blogspot.com/2010/04/sonja-morgans-townhouse-on-then-off.html
A Gawker commenter had the inspired thought that Sonya pays for sex. This connects perfectly to the suspicion out there that Max is a gigolo/man-hooker. I can't see Sonya getting laid otherwise--not by guys who look like Max.
Unrelated:
While Jill was carrying on about the "gaw-juss ring," Bethenny looked like one of those saints being tortured in Renaissance paintings.
I love that the Countesses song is listed as "electronic"... electronic! HA!
Didn't anyone tell Luann that disco was dead? I can envision this being played in leather bars and only for irony. What an insult to my ears....OH YEAH!
This was great. Utterly entertaining. LOVE it. Can't wait to watch Thursday. More excited to read your re-cap...
Happily following via bloglovin! Marija
I want a dress made of Milanos like yesterday.
Elegance is learned is SOLID life advice.
You once again nailed it. I am also certain that those 3.5 minutes of noise, that Luann calls a song will haunt my dreams forever.
And I did hit up DQ for some Blizzard lovin'. I'm sorry to hear your experience was sub-par...mine was f-ing unbelievable! They filled my cup so full, the lid was busting off, and it was as if I asked for extra Butterfinger (which I didn't)!
Hot Eats, Cool Treats, We'll treat you right...and they did!
I wanted her to record "Elegance it burns" referring to the STD she got from the Count. Love your recaps!
One thing I heard/noticed after the Ginger $hitfest was Jill commenting "I gave her Matzo ball soup, do you think that could have done it"? Hell to the YES...you don't feed dogs Matzo ball soup you peabrain.
That Alex-Bethenny-wedding-subtext conversation is just what I was thinking!
@kvc: "Ginger $hitfest" -- I love the sound of that, like It could be a music festival for Bravo "recording artists."
I love you! Don't ever stop blogging about the housewives, please. None of my friends watch the show (CRAZY, I know) so I need this blog. You complete me.
A+ assessment of RHoNY. You sure know how to make it a comedy because most times I just want to throw the remote at the TV while watching them.
Ginger Shitfest is really a disgusting rat, as it's owner is.