I can't get it up

and I need your help.  I hate everyone on Real Housewives.  Everyone.  Well, except Albie and Jacqueline's baby.  I think it's the Teresa thing that threw me over the edge.  "A huge THANK YOU to all my fans for all your love and support. Joe & I are just fine and will continue to be. ♥♥♥from our house to yours! xx" she tweets. 

Of course she's fine!  She just unloaded all of her debt onto us!  We are paying for her purple sleeveless fur coat and Gia's atv and Melania's ADHD meds (just a guess) and the eight month old baby's high heels!

We're paying for those fake flowers too.  ELEVEN MILLION DOLLARS worth of debt, you guys!  And most of it's going to be completely wiped out.  I would feel fucking ecstatic if I were her. 

Furthermore, I cannot get the image of Jason waxing Bethenny's belly out of my brain.  I woke up in the middle of the night last night and it was on repeat in my head.  BARF.   I do not want to see Jill's crocodile tears on the reunion, nor do I want to see Kelly blame her congenital stupidness on "systematic bullying."  How much do you want to bet that Andy Cohen will ask about satchels of gold and she will give a completely irrelevant or otherwise unintelligible answer?

And now Danielle has apparently leaked her own sex tape.  Not even gonna link to it.  It's just sad.  Watching her on RHONJ is like watching Intervention, without the intervention.  She's destroying her life, and those of her children, right in front of us.

Are you over it as much as I am?   Am I overreacting because my period is due today?  Please discuss while I go make sweet, sweet love to a donut and try to give a crap about the reunion tonight.  

photo from here, via chateau de lu.

My heart pounds with anticipation

At long last, the "GO TO SLEEP!" episode is up on us.  This might be where the seed is planted:

(click through if you can't see the video)

Is there anything better than Kelly giving Bethenny advice?  I think not. 

Does anyone want to talk about Real Housewives of New Jersey, specifically Danielle's bathroom and her bidet with the big bottle of pump soap on it?  (endless thanks to gayhooker for pointing it out to me.)  OH GOD, where is Decorno when you need her?!  

Also.  The masturbatory luncheon.  WOW. 

Did anyone else get a little turned on watching Albie throw ham? 

His hair had much better lighting this episode.  I'm back in the fold, bitchez.

Andy Cohen is trying to kill me

with these concurrent Housewives shows.  I am completely over-stimulated.  This is what I'm thinking:

Real Housewives of New Jersey

1.  We may need to shift our focus from Albie Manzo to Chris Manzo.  He's the one with the spark and the hustle, and honestly, his hair is much better than Albie's.

Thoughts?

Their short dialogue, Jersey Girls:  What's not to Love, is the best thing Bravo has EVER put on its website.  I highly recommend it, especially the section on screen names. 

2.  I could watch an entire hour of the Guidice kids alternately gritching at each other and saying "fabuluuuuuus!" 

Damn straight I could.  (Thanks to Chateau de Lu for admitting it first.) 

2.  All of my dreams came true when I saw that there exists an "upscale" women's boutique (in a strip mall!) named Posche.  Elegance is not only learned, but it is taught in New Jersey. 

3.  The one thing I'm not liking about this season so far is the 4 on 1 dynamic.  Boring.  Bravo needs to hire some friends for Danielle, fast.

Real Housewives of New York City

I am counting the minutes until Alex gives Jill a check-up from the neck up.*  Watch the prelude right here:

(click through if you can't see the video)

You can't hide in that little pantry forever, Jill.   Mwahahahaha! 

This episode will definitely be recapped, bitches.  See you soon.

*Thanks to my friend Theresa from Detroit, who is a living urban dictionary. 

On to the next one

Real Housewives of New Jersey starts tonight!

(click through if you can't see the video)

Is it too much to hope that Albie Manzo gets on that stripper pole?  

I know many of you are over Real Housewives of New York City but I am still riveted.  My favorite part of the most recent episode was when Professor Hotpants tries to explain to Jill and LuAnn what "kill the messenger" means. 

"And also?  The term 'poker face' pre-dates Lady Gaga."  

We can only hope she's happy, in a Flowers for Algernon kind of way.

I have much more to say but I think I'd better stop here; I'm sick as a dog and need to get back to whimpering on the couch.  Please, tell me what you think about Alex's flustered message to Jill and if you are ready for all of the violence the Jerz promises to deliver.

A match made in prostitution whore heaven

Click on the photo to get the story, but don't get your hopes up.  Sounds like Danielle Staub from Real Housewives of New Jersey and Jon "I'm dying to talk to you but TLC's all up my ass" Gosselin were at the same club and that's about it.  Disappointing, because this could have been the greatest love story/reality clusterfuck of all time.  It's still worth it to click through to the video and see the evolution of Danielle's eyebrows, which are true works of art.

(thanks to my girl Kris for the tip)