"I need a straw for my whiskeeeeeee!"

I finally watched Andy Cohen's new show Watch What Happens and I am happy to report that I thought it was delightful. Despite the fact that there was absolutely no new information (except possibly the viewer question "did you know you get more buzzed from a straw?"), it was still worth watching because we saw a new side of Andy, a side that was slightly drunk, sweaty and charmingly brazen. When he expressed his desire for a straw, complete with pubescent voice-cracking, I thought I was going to pass out on the floor. He gets PAID to do this? Only in America, my friends.

Here are some highlights:

1. Andy does freestyle pop culture commentary at the top of the show wherein he talks about how the new Big Brother set looks cheap and crappy. With drink in hand, he gestures to his set and says "we pulled the Bravo clubhouse out of our butts for 5k!" This was our first hint that maybe this wasn't Andy's first whiskey of the night.

2. Andy "interviews" RHONJ's Danielle Staub, which is to say that he just makes fun of her the whole time. It's pretty much all over her head as she tries to answer his questions seriously: "I am working on changing the shape of my eyebrows" and "No, [not a mafia contract but] a contract for the show." If I would have been there, I would have poked him in the chest, not in defense of Danielle, but because Andy would have gone "OWWWWWWW" and then stumbled backwards into the bookcase full of knick-knacks and slurred "Oh shit, did I break anything? Did I? Oh God, I am hammered."

3. Next is the phone "booty" call with Sarah Jessica Parker. Chug-a-lug!

She and Andy are obvs friends in real life and the call was filled with inside jokes, e.g. SJP pointedly calling him Andrew. I didn't really appreciate her familiarity (in other words, BACK the fuck OFF, SJ), but I did chuckle when Andy said he was going to send her some fried chicken from his favorite Sag Harbor eatery so she could blend it up and bottle-feed it to her new babies.

Yes, Andy, that was funny. At this point, I wanted to stick a Totinos pizza in the oven and let him have at it before he passed out. I can't wait to see what he does this Thursday, and whether he's as mischievous/nervous/drunk. Guests will be Isaac Mizrahi, Kelly Ripa and Mark Consuelos.

Also on Thursday, a lost footage episode of Real Housewives of Atlanta will air. (Note to Bravo: ENOUGH of the lost footage!  Everyone knows it's mostly recycled scenes.) We shall discuss.

One last thing--anyone watch My Life on the D-List? Did you see Kathy getting kicked off of the stage at the Apollo? AWKWARD. I had to run out of the room.

It's so easy to read their minds

Ramoner: I'm bored. I need to be stimulated. I think I will bring up Alex's nude photos one more time after the show.

Alex: Well, it's fine, but it's certainly no corset made out of rotting burlap.

Jill: Let's get this over with. Brad's re-wallpapering my entire apartment with the Zarin logo and I just know he's going to screw it up.

Jaqueline: I wonder what it would be like to read a book.

Dina: Bubbies are too small. Next.

Caroline: What the fuck are you lookin' at, bitch?

Teresa: I wonder where we place orders? I want five of everything.

Danielle: Little do they know, I have Cop without a Badge hiding under this paper. We're gonna clear the air once and for all!

For more photos of the Housewives at The Fashion Show fashion show (what?), go here.

Like Tony Soprano, but with biggah tits

My apologies to the Manzos, but the mafia jokes never get old.

Behold, KCSCougar's latest production. I am snorting like a piggy--it's so funny, maybe his best one yet. (language is delightfully NSFW).

I haven't watched Part 2 of the reunion yet but have talked to a few people about it. WHAT DID DANIELLE DO? She briefly alludes to it in her blog. There's something very, very juicy here and I'm not talking about Andy Cohen's butt. What do you think?

All the world's a stage!

At least for Danielle, because why else would you say shit like this (after a hearing to prevent the release of your sex tape):

This is about my kids. I'm a big girl. Do what you want to me. But you broke bread with my children. Don't do this to me. No adult should ever do this to a child.

Can you see me rolling my eyes to the heavens? She's a piece of work, that one. (said in my best Jersey accent.)

"You think you can take me? You need a fucking army if you gonna take me! Now who wants a handjob in my car?"

Did you know that Bravo claims it knew nothing about The Book before the show started taping? Hello, JACKPOT. Can you imagine the clapping and squealing going on in Andy Cohen's office when the news broke?

ROUND 2 of the Real Housewives of New Jersey reunion tonight. A preview of Caroline's "YOU KNOW WHAT YOU DID" moment:

Sources: NYDailyNews, Newsday, NYPost and Scarface. Thanks to Lauren K and LDW for the tips!

Being a prostitution whore is only the tip of the iceberg

Read a summary of Danielle's ever-growing problems here.

In other shocking news, Danielle admits to making gout with Don Johnson. I'm not sure what that entails, but it sounds illegal.

What did you think of the Real Housewives of New Jersey reunion, Part 1?

"My back is killing me. Thank God for this pillow!"