"Anybody could touch me for that kind of money."
Thursday, August 27, 2009 
I'm sorry, WHAT? What did you just say, Jeff? Because to my ears, it sounded like "SGM, cash out your 401(k) and send for me right away." Oh, honey. I hear you and I AM ON IT. You can stay in our unfinished basement--I found a gently used waterbed for you on Craigslist--and I will give you the opportunity to earn lots of crisp $1 bills in exchange for some "touching" that can be negotiated when you get here. I am also hoping you can help organize my Christmas decorations. In the meantime, here is my message to you:
Oh, yes.
All right. Even without me, this episode was FULL of sexual metaphors, innuendo and even a little harrassment. Let's get to it, shall we? Here's your Flipping Out recap:
1. Jeff's on the phone with a prospective client who tells Jeff that he tried to hire both Ryan and Jeff through Brown Design but was put off by the large, bend-me-over retainer. Prospective client decided to call Jeff directly to discuss this. Jeff says something along the lines of "oh no, I never work like that--I don't demand a huge amount of money up front" and proceeds to kiss ass/poach the job that was meant to be Ryan's and his. FORESHADOWING and also IRONIC/HYPOCRITICAL (as we see later).
2. Jeff and Jenni drive to meet the owners of Skytop to interview for a $$$ renovation project. Jeff compares it to a first date. "Second base," Jenni whispers encouragingly as Jeff gets out of the car. "Second base," he repeats, pumping himself up.
Then he proceeds to hustle like you would have never though possible last year. He's smiley and charming and eager, which I found to be simultaneously refreshing and totally disconcerting. He wants this job desperately and it's written all over his pretty face.
Have you ever? That looks painful, Jeff.
As Jeff talks about his ideas for the kitchen, Skytop's owner, Seana, mentions how freaky she is about organizing her kitchen cabinets. She opens a perfectly arranged cabinet to show Jeff and he is visibly moved. "He just found me sexy for about 3 seconds," she laughs to Jenni and her husband. "I did!" says Eager Beaver. "I was rethinking the whole gay thing."
Seana, you seem cool and everything, but BACK THE FUCK OFF.
3. We see Ryan at the sleek and professional headquarters of Brown Design. Thumbs UP on the new sexy glasses, Ryan. Anyhow, he talks about how because of advertising and publicity (and blogging!), his business has actually grown during the recession. According to Ryan, not only are people spending money, but ridiculous amounts of money.
Can you see where this is going?
4. Jeff is barking nitpicky orders at his staff while they tidy up at Valley Oak. Sounds like someone's been dilly-dallying in the bathrooms (RACHEL)(but everyone knows that is the best place to take a break from a hardass boss) so Jeff announces that all bathroom breaks will be limited to 60 seconds. He thinks that is plenty of time, and claims that he often does his business in less (although Jenni quipped that it was because he didn't wash his hands which HIT A NERVE. Ha!). In regard to taking a #2, "we don't do that here, we do it after work." Yeah. In the yard.
5. Jeff and Rachel are in the car. He sees her taking notes on post-its and has a minor freak out, telling her to put things directly on the sacrosanct To Do List. I know another place she can put it, Jeff. Up your butt. (with a coconut.)
6. Jeff and Rachel arrive at the Buena Park remodel to meet with Vlad the contractor. "Rachel's single. Just so you know," Jeff says to Vlad as he starts inspecting the work. AWKWARD because 1) Vlad is not from this country and may not understand Jeff's sense of humor, 2) he's kind of gross, and 3) he's named after a non-Twilight vampire.
Vlad argues with Jeff over inches. Doesn't he know that NO ONE is to argue with Jeff because Jeff is always right? That's basically what Jeff tells the camera.
7. Jeff and Jenni go back for a "second date" with the owners of Skytop, Seana and Brad. It's a Wear Your Pajamas for Taco Tuesday night, and Jeff shows up with cupcakes and some sort of sweatsuit jammies. HE WANTS THIS JOB, and in case he hasn't made that clear, he says it again in about 47 different ways with more sex metaphors.
Jenni shows up in flannels and slippers and looks adorable.
But she still looks very thin and drawn. Chris Elwood (her ex) is such a fucktard.
As it turns out, asking Jeff and Jenni to wear their pjs was not some sort of code for hot swinger action. Everything's on the up and up. They're all having fun and eating tacos when Jeff asks Seana how she made her money. "I was a peeler," she says. Do you know what that is? It's a stripper, and suddenly this dinner just got a whole lot more interesting. Jeff jumps right in. "Can I ask you about the money?" Sure. "Is it true that people make $50,000 in one night?" Yes. Jeff's eyes almost pop out of his head. "$100,000?" YES. With NO TOUCHING. Jeff is at first stunned and then giddy at the thought of such easy money.
This prompts Jeff to say that he'd settle for a lot less with touching. Book him now, people. Get on it.
8. Seana calls Jeff's office the following day. The conversation is peppered with all sorts of private jokes. (Jeff being called Foxy, for one.) (I'm guessing it's his stage name--Foxy Botoxy.)(don't rule out any future swinging.) Jeff is hired (whew) and Seana wants to set Jenni up with one of her friends. Jenni agrees and Jeff of course asks her to email a photo.
The email arrives, the photo is up and there is squinting, followed by an eternity of silence. "Well, he's worth meeting," Jeff finally says. Translation: UGLY and/or FAT.
9. Lunchtime! As soon as the words "what are we missing?" come out of Jeff's mouth, I am filled with dread. He knows exactly what's missing (besides his ability to let things slide). Remember The Avocado Incident? It's deja vu all over again at chez Lewis!
Turns out that Rachel did not get enough brown salsa. The horror. While Jeff starts to systematically tear her apart in front of the whole table, Bravo switches to an interview with Rachel where she tells the camera that Jeff used to date women. REALLY? Curious placement of this clip by Bravo, but I'll take it.
Meanwhile, back at the table, Ryan is trying to diffuse the situation: "you've never eaten that much brown salsa in your life!" To the camera he says that although Rachel knows all of Jeff's "tricks and craziness," he gives her one month. Back to Jeff, who is like a dog with a bone: "there are 6 people, but only 4 brown salsas..." Cut to Jeff talking to the camera about how it IS a big deal and saying anything else is minimizing his needs. You'd think he was talking about his right to marry or even his right to quality healthcare but NO, he is talking about gd salsa from Baja Fresh! Then to Rachel, who unknowingly utters the slogan of all former Jeff Lewis employees, "I feel like I am being set up to fail."
Ryan tries to change to subject but Jeff persists: "Does anyone have any more brown salsa? Is there any in the trash?" Jeff. STFU, man.
Rachel, after you are fired/forced to resign, I hope you get a full bucket of the brown salsa and dump it in his bed, Godfather-style. Then enter the witness protection program.
10. Jeff's brother Todd and Jeff's real estate agent Carrie are getting married in June, and Jeff, Jenni, Ryan, and Dale accompany them to sample some wedding cake.
Interesting story--the two had been engaged before, and Carrie called off the wedding. Todd demanded that Jeff cut all ties with her. Jeff refused (he had listings with her!) and he and his brother didn't talk for TWO YEARS. Eventually Todd and Carrie reconciled and the relationship with Jeff thawed. What a mess. For the first wedding, Jeff was to be the best man. For the second, HE'S NOT. Those Lewises are some cut-throat bitches.
Someone asks Todd and Carrie about kids. "Are you on the pill?" Jeff asks. Carrie laughs it off. Jeff won't let go. "So you use what, diaphragm, condoms?" Boundaries, Jeff. Boundaries. Please respect them.
11. Jeff and Jenni are in the car when she confesses that she hasn't had any "action" in 10 months. "What happens?" Jeff asks. "Does it close up...like when you have your ears pierced?" !!! He tells the camera, "I don't think she should be turning down any sort of date. I don't think she should even be turning down booty calls."
Watch the clip here.
12. Another meeting with creepy Vlad, and this time Jeff offers up Jenni. P-I-M-P.
13. Skytop! Jeff reveals that if it were his house, he'd go a completely different direction than one Seana and Brad are taking. The secret to designing for other people, he says, is to give them your ideas but make them think the ideas were theirs in the first place. Very manipulative. Good luck using that strategy now that you have divulged it, Einstein.
THEN, Jenni comes up to Jeff and tells him that the guy Seana wants to set her up with? He is dating someone. Not only dating, but together for TWO YEARS. Funny and embarrassing for both Jenni and Seana, but the best part is Jeff's matter-of-fact breakdown of the whole thing. "He didn't want to date her so bad that he made up a two year relationship." Eyebrows raised. "He could have seen her picture and said 'not interested.' This is how I know I'm growing. I just keep quiet and that makes me a really good friend, I think." I think so too, Jeff.
14. Finally, the big fight between Jeff and Ryan in Jeff's car. Jeff's says he's angry because he shares his jobs with Ryan but Ryan doesn't share any of his glorious bounty with Jeff.
Ryan, looking small and childlike in the backseat, acts mature and reasonable while Jeff just LOSES IT. He tells the camera that his relationship with Ryan is estranged/strange/strained (enunciate, please) and tense.
Dang, this was a long one (that's what she said). How am I going to replenish my 401(k)? What did you think of this episode?
Reader Comments (19)
this epsiode was kind of annoying to me. not sure why. maybe it was all the ass kissing the lewis was doing. not enough lewis evildoing. i mean the brown salsa incident just seemed like he was trying to duplicate last seasons avocado fiasco. it felt forced. like he could give a fuck, really. just doing it for the tv.
and where was his new boy toy intern?
Jeff plays to the camera a lot now, which makes the show kind of synthetic. The scene in the restaurant, where he is asking about contraception? It seemed stagey, like he knew it was the right interval to obligingly serve up another helping of Jeff Lewis-brand product.
(And "for that kind of money," I'd rather fuck Ryan.)
First off, thank you for linking to Ryan's blog. I just know it will bring me immense joy. Second, Rachel is systematically going through a nervous breakdown before our eyes. She cannot handle the Lewis. This is clear. I fear for her. And I do hope she takes your cue on the Godfather/brown salsa suggestion. Finally, and in totally unrelated news, doesn't Rachel look a lot like Haven from The Fashion Show? http://www.bravotv.com/the-fashion-show/bio/haven
did anyone see RHOA? What is a "Maybach"? Does everyone know about these but me?
YES, I know what it is. It's a bajillion dollar Mercedes, and I know this because some retarded spoiled brat from My Super Sweet Sixteen was hanging out of the window of one and screaming "I AM IN A $125,000 CAR!"
MFAMB, yes, why are they not focusing on Jett? Do you think he and Jeff are doing it?
Anon who'd rather fuck Ryan--it all depends of what you're looking for. Ryan would be a gentle lover. Jeff's a wildcard.
Bee, I will check it out. Rachel does look so familiar to me, like maybe a skinny Wynnona Judd? Driving me crazy that I can't figure it out.
The best part about this blog title is that as soon as those words came out of his mouth, I knew I would read about it here. There was no doubt in my mind that you were selling the children to make some extra cash. I think you should set up a fund. I would definitely contribute, but would Franck be okay with this? I don't like him to be uncomfortable.
When the whole brown salsa conversation was happening, I just kept thinking WTF is brown salsa? I'm from Texas where just about every effing restaurant has salsa in one form or another and I have NEVER WITNESSED brown salsa. What is in it? I don't think I would trust it and I am a little surprised Jeff is into it. The concept doesn't seem right. Salsa is red or green and sometimes orangey-red, but NEVER EVER have I seen it brown unless it was old.
While I was sort of uncomfortable with Jeff doing awkward sucking up, I was REALLY skeezed by ol' Seana. Talk about an overshare-er...talking about him being in love with her and then busting out that she was a "peeler"...YIKES! No wonder she asked him to come in his pajamas! Even worse than her washed up face is her lurker husband. He totally seems like the guy at the strip club who just sits in the back doing whatever men who sit in the back row do in strip clubs and at the end of the night soliciting all of them until one finally caves in and goes with him. I am a little surprised Jeff sat on their couch after this revelation.
My favorite moment of the night was Jeff's interview explanation for Jenny..."what I didn't want to tell her is that he probably saw her picture..." and then he goes on about "how far" he's come. Jesus Christ. You can't script this.
Wasn't that Brad character on a sitcom or something? Is he a comedian? Very familiar.
The husband of Skytop couple is Brad Sherwood, a comedian who was occasionally on Whose LIne Is It Anyway.
I don't care that Jeff's mean, shallow, hypocritical, and crazy. I love him, and I want to make him get in bad with me so I can cuddle him. Seriously, I just want to give him a good hug just to watch him get all squirmy from the physical affection.
I like to see him rip into Ryan, because I have always thought Ryan was a little weasel.
I'm confused. Was Jeff asking where they made their money, and she claimed it was from stripping? Because I really don't think she was such an awesome stripper (excuse me, peeler) that they managed to afford a house like that in LA. And especially now that you guys are saying he's been on Whose Line Is It Anyway.
So it's an odd answer to Jeff's question, unless they OWNED some strip clubs, or she just wanted some excuse to crowbar her stripper past into the show. Weird.
You know what's odd? When people have unusual, startling, even shocking backstories, but they are STILL essentially dull. I mean, this lady Seana could have run a super-secret bordello somewhere that specializes in putting high-powered business executives in diapers and treating them like infants, and she still wouldn't be very interesting.
I am totally in agreement with Sarah. As soon as the words were out of his luscious lips, I screamed "SGM is gonna be all over this!" On a side note, I had an English teacher in high school that called me "luscious lips" because I was wearing a new lipgloss. I just remembered that while I was typing this and am now sorta creeped out!
I am a huge fan of the Housewives and have just found my love for Lewis due to extreme lurking on your hilarious blog. Thank you, thank you, LOVE, LOVE, LOVE!!! The comments are as entertaining as your recaps, it brings me joy!
3/4 of the way through this episode, i realized that all i heard was wahwahwahwah because i was mesmerized by jeff's lips. i'll betcha he's trying to figure out how to suck the botox out to make some cash under the table. ok, that was just mean. teehee.
Brown salsa does sound HIGHLY suspect, doesn't it?
Anon, we didn't see of Seana to know whether she was boring or not. I bet she has some excellent stories.
I think she was beginning to say that she owned clubs but got sidetracked by Jeff.
the funniest thing is that I don't even watch this show but I LOVE your recaps and am so psyched when they land in my inbox!! Honestly, you crack me up. Thanks!
The brown salsa from Baja Fresh is so good! It's medium hot. And perfectly fresh, by the way. You should all try it. But I am not sure why it's brown. Are there black beans ground up in there? Are the peppers extra charred? It IS upsetting when there isn't enough, but certainly not worth all the upset.
Lets be ladies. Did any of you hear Seana’s story to why she was a stripper. She apparently had cancer and a medical bill to pay. Wow this room is harsh. I think it takes great courage to stand in your own shoes
With nothing to hid.
Laugh and Dare to Love
Maya Angelou is one of the great voices of contemporary literature and a remarkable Renaissance woman. In the 1960s, at the request of Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr., she became the northern coordinator for the Southern Christian Leadership Conference. Her books include an autobiographical account of her youth, I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings and Gather Together in My Name. She has been awarded over 30 honorary doctorate degrees and been nominated for a Pulitzer Prize. These are not the accomplishments one might have predicted from knowing her in her early days.
Linda Wolf: Dr. Angelou, you have done a lot in your life. You've taken drugs and written about it. You were a madam for lesbian prostitutes. You were a teenage mom. You tried prostitution. You had incredible experiences, deep and rich, that you wouldn't have had if you had followed the straight and narrow?
Maya Angelou: Yes, but I wouldn't suggest it for anybody. I mean if you happen to fall into the gutter, see where you are and admit it. As soon as you admit it you can be like the prodigal son, the prodigal daughter: get up and go to a safe place. Get up and go to someplace where your spirit is not kicked and brutalized, and your body misused and abused. Get up! But you can't get up unless you see where you are and admit it.
I wrote about my experiences because I thought too many people tell young folks, "I never did anything wrong. Who, Moi? Never I! I have no skeletons in my closet! In fact I have no closet!" They lie like that, and then young people find themselves in situations and they think, "Damn, I must be a pretty bad guy. You know, my mom or dad never did anything wrong, so I'm pretty bad," and they can't forgive themselves and go on with their lives.
So, I wrote Gather Together in My Name, meaning that all those grown people, all those parents and grandparents, and teachers and preachers, and rabbis and priests who lie to the children can gather together in my name, and I will tell them the truth.
http://www.context.org/ICLIB/IC43/Angelou.htm
Beautifully said Lias! Thank you for sharing that.
It seems to me that Jeff and the show is always one-sided. They never just let a scene run. They always interrupt every moment with Jeff and Jenni commentaries. Jeff’s mistakes are all his own. Every time that the Sherwoods mentioned something (that they had hired Jeff for) Jeff got upset that they wanted it done right. Seana was right to say to Jeff, “Looks like you met your match”! I see just how transparent Jeff is.
As for anyone who says The Sherwood’s just wanted 15minutes. Forget it. Brad Sherwood is a very successful improviser, and has apparently done well for himself. The Skytop property Jeff speaks of is now on the market for 3.5 million. (Google it for yourself) And apparently they own another home in Hollywood, in the Millions as well. Doesn’t look to me, that they hired Jeff to be on his show, or any money issue. It looks like they hired what Jeff has been portraying himself to be on TV, an excellent house designer. Looks like Jeff lost out on a great business deal with them because he got in his own way and couldn’t handle the Sherwood’s simple needs. Jeff is a talented man; I’ll give him that. But Stop sabotaging yourself Jeff!
Earning big profit from property investment is no doubt the aim of investors and Property Magazines, it can surely be achieved.