I am speechless, or maybe...breathless. Yes, that's it.
Jeff Lewis has finally returned, and despite his ferocious gutting of Jenni in the car, he comes to us with a lighter heart, some honest introspection, and a teeny-tiny bit of humility.
Namaste, Jeff. I'm so proud of you, honey.
Here is your super-duper crazy late Flipping Out recap.
1. Jeff reveals to the camera that he lost 1/3 of his net worth in 2008. OUCH. He's in the design business for now because he can't flip houses. He explains the economics of it, but I wasn't really listening. Sometimes I just let myself be hypnotized by the lips.
2. Guess where he's living? Our old friend Valley Oak! You know, where he had several major bitchfights with Ryan? Where he had a psychic come to cleanse the house (or whatever the gd hell that was)? Where people (yes, people) crapped in his yard as an expression of hostility?
Yeah, that place. Jeff talks about how the house has always been plagued with problems, and right off the bat he addresses the scandalous lawsuit brought by his neighbor after the airing of Season 2. As he explains it, the Valley Oak garage encroached on the property of an (asshole fame-hungry) actress by one foot, and she demanded an "obscenely large amount of money" to settle the matter. He didn't mention the humiliating restraining order she filed against him, but stated that she ended up settling for a reasonable amount.
And with that, Jeff Lewis has the last word. CASE CLOSED.
A word of caution to the litigious neighbor: He's furious. You made him lose his beach house! Watch your back (and also your step. Turds everywhere.)
Jenni tells the camera with a frozen smile "besides the neighbors who all hate us, things are really great here."
3. Jeff is asking Zoila how many hangers she needs for her closet. (I think she lives there during the week?) He figures out that she has four uniforms. "Four hangers, then," he says. "Jeff," Zoila says wearily in her thick accent, "Maybe a dozen."
"A thousand?" he asks, eyes wide. "Do you know what that means in English, Zoila? That's a lot."
My heart. It has missed this man so much.
4. Jeff, somewhat giddily, points out the new portrait of himself to Zoila and several non-English-speaking construction workers. No one is all that impressed, except for a few of us in the audience who start humping the tv.
5. Jeff introduces the staff. Jenni works for him 3 days a week. Rachel, a newly hired friend from way back, also works for him 3 days a week. Let me look into my crystal ball--she's going to fuck something up (like getting the wrong mints at Starbucks), Jeff will excoriate and then fire her, and the friendship will be ruined. THE END.
I have been wrong before, though. Case in point: Jett. Not only is he still working for Jeff, but he is the star employee. Jeff praises Jett for his pantry organization on camera and says "Jett does more work than Chris [Elwood] and Chris [Keslar] combined." Jeff, I understand why you hate Chris Elwood. He's a doof who screwed both Jenni and you in very personal ways. But what is your deal with the darling Chris Keslar? Spare me the "he was just in it to be on tv" bs that you were spouting last year. There's more to it and Detective SGM is going to get to the bottom of it. Please email me immdiately (see form at right) to set up your interrogation and strip search.
Back to the staff. Trace is Jeff's new intern. More about him later. Last but not least, there is Zoila, Jeff's housekeeper/Latina mother figure.
6. Jeff goes to visit a possible renovation client in OC. "We might as well head to Tijuana," he bitches. You need not be psychic to guess how this will turn out--too far away, not enough cash. He "breaks up" with her, but does it in a way that she thinks she's dumping him. This is a new Jeff Lewis, my friends.
7. Jeff and Jenni are in the car, discussing the fact that a guy asked Jenni out "for a salad."
"Red flag," Jeff says, "he's gay." AGREED. They talk about it a little bit more. "Well, he's a least a booty call," he concludes.
Jeff talks to the camera about how Jenni's doing well after her divorce from Chris Doof, and that he was her therapist during the tough times. I must say, I snort when I read that. Jeff? As therapist? That's like Kim Zolciak teaching people how to sing (but I still looooove that song, fuckers).
8. Jeff and Jenni sit in Jeff's office and watch a landscape worker try to trim branches from a giant tree while perched precariously in said giant tree.
Jeff talks to Javier, the landscape supervisor, who has a limited grasp of the English language (not to mention a healthy respect for the plump-lipped El Jeffe): "If he lands on the neighbor's property, then he sues them?" Jeff asks loudly and slowly. Javier nods. "Tell him if he falls, fall to the neighbor's. They have more money than I do." Javier gives another earnest nod. Mean, Jeff. MEAN! But still funny.
But wait, it gets MEANER and FUNNIER. Zoila enters the room. "Zoila, there are lots of eligible men here," Jeff says, raising his eyebrows meaningfully. "Do you know what a cougar is?" he asks Javier. He introduces Zoila to him, and she plays along and starts to flirt. Alas, Javier is married. "Do you know what a homewrecker is?" Jeff asks a slightly confused Javier. "Her motto is, if you can't make it, break it." Smiles all around. 'Twas an LOL moment.
9. Jeff and new assistant Rachel are in the car. Rachel tells the camera she met him in '91 or '92, and he was "hyperactive and mischievous" then too. Interesting choice of words. I wonder if he had a perm or frosted tips back then? I'd pay good money, soon-to-be-disgruntled-employee Rachel. Just sayin'.
Rach has screwed up by giving Jeff a message about "Chris" with no last name. He tells her that in the future, she needs to ask for a last name because "Chris is a common name." Rachel kind of mumbles something. "So you didn't know that Chris is a common name?" Jeff asks, never one to let things slide. "Well, it is. So is John."
Aaaaaaaand we have our second LOL moment.
10. Back to Jeff's office. A photo of Zoila is the destop background on Jeff's computer--details, it's all about the details. We meet Trace, Jeff's intern, who was hired because he emailed Jeff a class project and Jeff liked it. "I thought it was odd when he asked for a photo," Trace says, deadpan. Another perfect fit for Jeff Lewis Inc.
Jeff asks Trace if he's had lunch. "No thanks," he says. "I ate yesterday." Jeff is impressed and tells Trace so. Jeff then goes on to tell Trace that he's doing a good job. (So much praise in this episode! Am I watching Flipping Out or Touched by an Angel?) Trace asks if there's anything he can do better. "Be on time," Jeff answers.
Trace explains that his lateness can usually be attributed to the fact that he can't get out of bed until he wins a game of checkers on his phone. Jeff has found his OCD soulmate. I swear he teared up a little. It was quite a lovely moment.
11. Jeff meets with his real estate agent, Carrie, who also happens to be engaged to his brother. There is some amusing banter here, with Jeff calling her bridezilla when she asks him to do some (perfectly reasonable) things for the wedding. Jeff is actually the bridezilla (brozilla?) because he tells the camera, "some decisions I'm going to leave up to her, but most of them, I'm gonna have an opinion." So bossy!
12. Jeff rips Jenni a new one for making a mistake (as seen here) and THEN passive-aggressively starts blaming her for the dumb shit that her ex Chris Elwood did eons ago. Below the belt, if you ask me, and Jenni fights back.
"I don't look like I am fighting back, but I am."
Jeff backs down and APOLOGIZES. (I THINK. It's all kind of Frankensteined, editing-wise).
Anyhow, please make a note in Jeff Lewis' permanent record: the mere suggestion of identity theft sends him into a TOTAL SCREAMING PANIC.
13. The episode concludes with Jeff saying that he's very happy at Valley Oak and "no more fire sales"--someone's gonna have to pay full price for him to even consider selling it at this point. You have to talk big on national tv, right? Especially when you're trying to sell a haunted house.
"Well I'll be damned...someone pooped on the ceiling."
Previews for this season--HUGE fight with Ryan. HUGE. I am already curled into the fetal position in anticipation. ALSO, did you see Jeff on Watch What Happens? If it's hanging out on your dvr, I highly recommend watching it. On it, a question for the ages: who is more gay, Andy Cohen or Jeff Lewis? Please cast your vote in the comments, and don't forget to tell me what you thought of this episode.
THEN, please rest up--Season 2 of The Rachel Zoe Project starts TONIGHT.
Wednesday, August 26, 2009 
