Sayonara, suckers!
Saturday, November 28, 2009 Check out what I just received in my inbox:
I'm guessing it was my work with Jeff and Ryan from Flipping Out that convinced the Major Production Company that I would be perfect for this role. Not only did I counsel them through difficult times via this blog, but I offered many unconventional methods (e.g. therapuetic hugs and naked massage) in the course of their treatment. I have no doubt that I'm qualified in this area.
The tricky part is the lesbian or rather, Lesbian, requirement. I have to wonder, why does the Major Production Company think I am a Lesbian? Did it somehow see pictures of my flannel and Birkenstock phase in college? Has it misinterpreted my envy of Salma Hayek's chi-chis?
Who knows, but I am planning to list some of you as references so I'd appreciate it if you kept my marriage to Frank on the down-low. I think I can fake the Lesbian part, unless the Major Production Company asks me to have sex with a woman-who-is-not-Salma-Hayek in front of them. But I'm pretty sure that would be illegal. Are there any lawyers out there who could advise me on this?
Once I am formally cast, it is my guess that I will be too busy to blog, or to even acknowledge you. Such is the life of a reality star, and I know you understand. In fact, I suspect the next time you see me will be when my girlfriend and I are cuddling beneath a (faux) fur throw on the cover of UsWeekly. It's exciting, isn't it?! I wish I could see you right now, bursting with happiness for me. Thank you so much, and feel free to leave your messages of support in the comments (but please don't ask for money. I recently put an offer in on a house that's going to require some major redecorating).
Reader Comments (14)
I would be happy to play your pretend girlfriend (I wouldn't call it a beard - a soul patch maybe?) until you become the new Oprah. Perhaps you could start taking questions and pick up where MIYB left off.
Honey,
I just read this post and I am leaving work right now to come home and talk to you about this incredible fantasy of you and Selma Hayek, I mean this incredible job opportunity.
Love,
Frank
J'adore Frank!!
I too would be happy to play your pretend girlfriend (as long as you're the one wearing the strap-on) . I have a feeling the mention of strap-on just got Eddie Ross awfully excited...
Sweetshorn, soul patch! hahahaha! I only wish I could be the next MIYB...
Frank, um....
Countess, me too.
gayhooker, I appreciate the offer, but I have a feeling you'd be too butch.
frank beat me to the joke! darn you frank!! and if you can't get salma, i have big boobs too. you know...they said experienced.
Curious; is there hidden rhetoric within the use of "sayonara" (e.g. Asian / Pacific Islander)?
See, now I think the Lesbian could be easily faked. It's the Life Coach thing that would hang me up. You'd have to be all supportive and positive all the god damn time. And there's no dressing that up with a smokin' hot Latina.
As your real life Lesbian Life Partner, I am a little hurt that you didnt consult me first before you took this job.
SGM, I, like many others, experimented with Lesbianism in college, and believe me, it is not very pleasant.
Harvey, I wasn't much of a clam digger either. So, in an effort at getting my lesbian fix nowadays, I resort to cutting my hair short and keep the make-up (if any) to a minimum.
gayhooker, you are my Hints from Heloise. xo
If you're going Lesbian, who gets custody of Frank?
Frank's comment is high-larious!! I can see why you two click.