Stupid Hard Advanced

I'll have a "real" post later, but in the meantime, please enjoy this hilarious video about how much you suck at Photoshop.*

*Thanks to My Love for You for directing me to this amusing little tidbit. For the record, I don't know anything about Photoshop and this is still the funniest video I've seen, um, since that Paul Rudd one I just posted. You can watch the whole series, along with the demise of the narrator's marriage and career, here.

I just can't

I have watched a few episodes of Rock of Love 2, and I just can't stomach it anymore. Please understand the implications of this. SGM rejecting a VH-1 celeb-reality show during a writers' strike is akin to Spencer Pratt and Heidi Montag going into seclusion. It just doesn't happen.

Perhaps I do not like Rock of Love 2 because Brett Michaels is too old for a second season, and the women "aren't really there for Brett," but there for 15 degrading minutes of fame. Or perhaps it is simply because I feel that Brett should be with Heather from last season:

Isn't she a peach?

I don't know, and I don't even care to analyze it.

Brett, I don't even care enough to sit you down and talk to you about all of this. Wait--I do care enough to ask, "would you please own the fact that you are balding?" Those hair extensions aren't fooling anyone. Is this a recent picture? It's from your official website, which I presume is current. No man in his mid-40s has full, lustrous hair like this.

I saw that episode (the phone sex one) last season, pre-extensions, where you were sans hat and bandana. Remember that? Your hair was embarrassingly fluffy, especially in the bang area, which only served to highlight the thinning. Honey, you're almost 45 and diabetic to the point you've been incapacitated on your show. Take it easy. There's no way you can win this race without looking like Lauri Waring Peterson or your old sex tape buddy Pam Anderson. Shave your head or something. Embrace your older self. You can still use the self-tanner, but with restraint. I bet you'd still be pretty decent-looking guy (well, maybe not, but that's what you get from years of rock star partying. Every rose has its thorn. Hee hee).

And while I'm at it, what's up with that enormous bulge in your pants? WE GET IT , BRETT. You're all man. Can you work on being more subtle about it?

Look at me getting all riled up about Brett's appearance. There's some life in me yet.

Anyhow. I'm at my breaking point, people. Surviving on reality tv alone is like eating a diet consisting solely of donuts. It sounds like a good idea, a fucking awesome idea in fact, but after a few weeks, you just end up fat and toothless and stupid. Eventually you start to crave something healthy and substantive, e.g. shows that do not feature stripper poles or lips collagen-ed beyond recognition.

Yeah, yeah, the Writers Guild* is thisclose to making a deal. Whatever. By the time a new episode of The Office comes on, I'll be doing the unthinkable, like having an actual conversation with my husband or reading a book. And then it will be too late.**

*Dude, "Writers" isn't possessive? Jesus. I don't trust these people. Not one bit.

**Who am I kidding. It won't be too late. I'll come crawling back. But I just wanted to make a point with the writers and the networks, you know? They don't fully realize the suffering.

Brushes with Fame (aka Been Tagged)

Paloma at La Dolce Vita tagged me and gave me the choice of listing 7 weird things about myself or 7 famous people that I've met. I did the 7 Weird Things a few months ago, so I've been trying to think of famous people that I've met. I only have 5. But because I'm the boss of this blog, I am going to give you the 5, and the remaining 2 will be famous people that I could have met but did not because I am stupid.

Here we go!

1. Marky Mark. Talked my way backstage at a concert and he rapped my name.

2. Adam Sandler. He came to my college to do stand-up. After the show, my friend and I asked him for his autograph and proceeded to creepily stalk him for the rest of the night.

3. Atallah Shabaz (Malcolm X's daughter). I was her driver when she came to my college in the early 90s and this woman was one of the most dignified and gracious people I've ever met. After she gave this really moving speech, people were coming up to her and crying and she was so lovely and kind to everyone. Then she and her assistant hopped in my beater of a car and we went to Village Inn to eat pancakes. Truly an amazing and down-to-earth person.

4. Pat Monahan (lead singer of Train). This was just a few months ago. Not terribly into Train, but he was really nice.

5. Julie Ashton. What? You haven't heard of her? Haven't you seen Cock Loving Moms or Hot Cherry Pies 3? I'd post a picture of her, but they're all a bit NSFW. I met her at a party several years ago and had to be told who she was (by my husband, who was all "she wants me so baaaaaaaaad").

6. An old boyfriend of mine is pals with Paul Rudd. They were in the same fraternity pledge class. Yep. In the mid-90s, old boyfriend and Paul would get together in Kansas City over the holidays. Not me. I was in Denver doing important things, like vacuuming and flossing my teeth.

7. Also in the mid-90s, my friend Peter asked me to come with him to hang out with some friends from home, who were in this band. "No thanks," I replied, "I'd rather sit at home and get the latest on OJ's trial" (or something lame like that). So I missed out on meeting Dave Mathews et al.

That's it. Not going to tag anyone else right now because it's late and . . . I'm lazy. Happy Monday!

*Thanks to etsy's McYarnpants (love that name!) for the photo of the gift tags.

Paul Rudd Makes Me Want to See a Cardiologist

I Suwannee posted a link to this video in Decorno's comments section. It's funny in a way that makes my heart want to burst with happiness, and I decided that I must have it on my blog.

Even more superficial judging

I don't judge a person by his or her taste in music. Our attachment to music, especially bad music, can often be sentimental; for example, you were listening to Just a Gigolo by David Lee Roth when your high school crush acknowledged your existence with a "hey, are you going to eat those hushpuppies?" so DLR is on your ipod. Conversely, Fight for Your Right by the Beastie Boys may make you feel hot with embarrassment because it reminds you of the time you drove past your high school boyfriend's house only to see him in the front yard, smashed up against a car, making out with a girl named Bernadette. Not that that happened to me. But this song will never appear on my ipod.

So if you have bad music on your ipod, it's no big deal. Dude, I have 3 John Mayer cds on my ipod. I have no room to judge anyone on the music front.

Lest you think I am getting all deep on you, I do judge people by books. In fact, it is my favorite judging method, for it's very efficient. If your favorite book is Bridges of Madison County, we must part ways immediately. We will simply not get along if this sort of thing makes your heart pound. As for The Notebook (not the movie--I haven't seen the movie and I know many of you have free-passed Ryan Gosling based on this movie) we can be friends, but I'll get weird on you when you talk about how much you loved it.

God help you if you give me The Saving Graces and say "you're really going to love this!" because I will take it as a personal insult. You're just better off to admit that you have never read a book at all, as Posh and my brother-in-law have done, and I respect that kind of honesty.

Do you judge people by music or books? What kind of music and which books?

Thanks to Kate O'Connor for this funny hanky photo found via My Love for You Is a Stampede of Wild Horses