I didn't get murdered!

Thanks to all of you who gave me the excellent advice and encouragement for my camping trip last weekend. I actually had a great time, and I didn't even drink any alcohol (I had to keep my senses sharp in the event of murderers and BEARS, which I totally forgot about). I did get painfully cold at night and suffered from lack of pillow, but it was overshadowed by the beautiful scenery, fresh air and delicious food prepared by my sister-in-law, who is the Martha Stewart of camping (who knew?!).

That's a real photo of MS camping. She has a recipe for campfire hot dogs. I'm not even kidding.

I have basically ignored the mountains for most of the 15 years I have lived here because every time I go up, it's increasingly crowded, commercial and pricey, and that's not fun. Now I realize that I just haven't been going to the right places. Lord knows that I will never be the type to strap slick boards on my feet and plunge down a snowy mountain in the freezing cold, but hiking here in the warm sunshine with the fam and coming back to eat a baloney sandwich* and cherries? I can do that.

Here's one quick story: Our whole group hiked for 3 miles to the most beautiful panoramic view in the whole wide world. It was also possible to be a cheater and drive to this beautiful panoramic view, which is how we ran into a group of old people there. They were very sweet and chatty and one of the old men offered to take our picture. Now this is when you're thinking that the old person somehow fucks up our camera or our photo. Nope. He does a fantastic job, and as soon as he gives the camera back to me, my 6 year old announces "Ladies and gentlemen! Let's give a big hand to the OLD PEOPLE for taking our picture!"

Thank God old people can't hear.

I will leave you with a true and authentic picture of Frank's butt. Drink it up, ladies and gay dudes, because I am sure that I will be forced to take it down once he realizes that it's up.

*It's probably been 20 years since I've had a baloney sandwich, and I'd just like to report that it was awesome.

*UPDATE* Due to overwhelming positive response, Frank has requested that his money shot NOT be removed.

Voila, bitches!

Like many newer houses, ours has a formal living room right off of the foyer. Why do builders insist upon persevering with the antiquated concept of a formal living room? Haven't they seen Cribs? Even big celebs who furnish these rooms in high style and entertain a lot readily admit "no one ever goes in here." Give me the extra square footage as another bedroom, or tack it onto the family room or kitchen. I don't need a PARLOR, for God's sake!

Because I am resentful of this room, I have not put a lot of thought into it. It contains a mishmash of furniture that doesn't fit anywhere else in the house. The formal living room is my red-headed stepchild (so to speak; I would actually treat a red-headed stepchild with great love and affection because I think red-headed children are adorable). Here's is an example of how the formal living room sucks:

A frumpy slipcovered Pottery Barn couch that looks like ass and is used by my children primarily as a trampoline. When my sister came to visit last weekend, she basically told me that I needed to get over my feelings for this room and treat it with some respect because it is the first thing people see when my front door is opened. I was all "can't you see I've TRIED? See that tropical pillow that doesn't match the couch or the room or anything else in the house?"

She insisted on taking the slipcover off, and this happened:

This clean-lined lovely was hiding underneath. Who knew?! It's exactly the couch I would have wanted for this room and it was totally free.*

I love it when stuff like this happens.

*Now I just need $3k to get one seat cushion (instead of the three it came with), recover it in a neutral linen or velvet, and then slap some graphic pillows on there. Luckily, I have recently received several emails from a Kenyan gentleman informing me that I have inherited $800,000 "that is not drug money." What perfect timing! I'm sure I can spare $3000 and maybe even a little more to spruce up the rest of my parlor. Stay tuned!

Two posts in a row that do not mention reality tv

It must be some sort of record for me. Anyhow.

How much would you pay for this house?

Four bedrooms, three bathrooms, 2800 square feet.

I happen to know that it's located on a road paved with red brick and sits among other beautiful old houses with mature yards. If you cut through the back yard and cross a two lane street, you would be on a golf course with lots of beautiful old trees. Right now, this neighborhood has a wonderful scent--fresh and springy and green.

The house could use a little updating, but not much.

And you could live just up the street from my mama and about a mile from the awesome Sucker for Marketing.

This house, in a comparable neighborhood in Denver, would cost at least $2 mill--but this house, located in my small-ish midwestern hometown is $319,000. Holy Jeebus. Doesn't it kind of make you want to pack up and move in and slow down? Me too. Dude, I've already mentally repainted that hallway and some of that paneling as well as bought some new furniture for that living room.

But no one tell my mama that.*

P.S. Don't forget Real Housewives of NYC tonight (couldn't resist).

*Because I'm staying put. I am a small town girl, but I love all that the big city has to offer--sports, shopping, drugs, culture, hookers, etc. Can't leave all that behind.

Great News!

I'm a cougar!

My husband and I went out for dinner with friends last weekend, and he was the last to order a drink. He was carded. That's right. My 36 year old husband, who is a mere 2 months younger than I, looks as though he might not be 21! Lest you think he dresses like a kid--he does not. The bastard just happens to have fantastic skin and a full head of hair.

So, I am psyched. If anyone wants to meet at Cool River (gross Denver pick-up bar) for happy hour later, let me know! I'll be the haggard, sloppy-drunk one on the dance floor in the too short skirt. Wooo!

Valentine's Day Press Release

Cutting edge shovel art by SGM

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE

New Snow Artist Freezes Art World

Denver, Colorado - This winter, the front walk of a Denver home has been transformed into a major outdoor art exhibit. Scraping the Surface, sponsored by Target, is the brainchild of snow artist SGM, a self-taught shoveler and conceptual artist.

Her first work, entitled Shove It Up Your Heart (pictured above), is full of moxie and mojo, and took her almost 3 seconds to complete. The piece turned into performance art when the artist's children stomped on it 2 minutes later.

"It is beyond powerful," marveled leading art critic Del Mitchell, who also happens to be SGM's across the street neighbor. "The children metaphorically crushed the artist's heart by growing older and losing their innocence while simultaneously acting childish. Also, packing the snow like that forced SGM to get out her scraping tool, which she despises. Her annoyance adds even more depth to the piece."

A local art student who happened upon the exhibit said he was "blown away" by the avant-garde nature of SGM's work. William "Shady" Morris, age 21, wiped a tear from his eye as he spoke. "Her shoveling goes against common wisdom; it's all crooked and spotty, but that's what's so moving. It's so human."

SGM's work is not without controversy. Another critic, next door neighbor Jenny Guerrero, is not so impressed: "Oh, she's calling herself SGM now? I suppose she's going to feign a British accent next. I find her work to be uninspiring, especially when she throws snow onto my cleared sidewalk. It's so . . . rude."

SGM has never let unfavorable opinions affect her work, and it is this boldness that makes her art so ground-breaking. "My methods are unorthodox, and some people cannot move beyond that. They see me working for hours with my shovel and think that I'm just screwing around out here in the cold. What they don't realize is that I'm forging a path, both literally and figuratively, for the common man--pizza delivery people in particular."

Expect SGM's work to evolve as more snow falls. The exhibit opened yesterday and will run until the snow melts, which will probably be sometime in June because SGM's house faces north. For more information, please comment and the artist or her agent will respond.