More Money, More Problems

UPDATED: Rachel Zoe premieres September 9.

I'm WAY behind on my reality tv watching (back off! I have to compromise a little for the sake of my marriage, okay?), but last night I was able to catch up a bit. I watched the previews for both Real Housewives of Atlanta* and The Rachel Zoe Project. Here are my impressions:

1. The Real Housewives of Atlanta left me feeling completely empty on the inside, which was strange because I have an unusually high tolerance for really shitty tv. I'm wondering if the Real Housewives concept has played out? These women seem intent on nothing but escalating the spending and drama from previous seasons, and everything--including the personalities--is just crazy over-the-top excessive. Almost all of cast members are portraying themselves as exaggerated stereotypes: there's The White Trashy Barbie-Haired Lady Who's Dating a Rich Old Geezer, The Loud Flailing Black Lady, and The Black Diva Bitch Lady. (Deep question: if this is who they really are, then is it a stereotype?) The other two women are married to professional athletes and have waaaay too much money and over-decorated houses and this hurts my eyes. For a more in-depth and witty description of them, please go here.

I'm sorry Bravo, but I may not be able to get on board with this. I'll give it my best shot, but watching this show may not be in the best interests of my Chi.

Moving on . . .

2. I LOVE RACHEL ZOE.

I know! No one is more shocked than I! I had always thought she was just an anorexic sourpuss drug addict, but that is not AT ALL the impression I had last night.

While I've seen Rachel Zoe on Project Runway and in still photos (mostly on Perez and dlisted), I've never seen her in action. She's this teensy tiny person who is loaded down with hair and sunglasses and rings and fur and flowy outfits and she's pretty effing fabulous. She's passionate about her work in a very sweet and refreshing way; she handles stress without going apeshit (are you listening, Jeff Lewis?), and she has wrinkles (just like me!) (but they don't look bad on her because she's so freaking awesome). For the record, I am concerned about her weight and I reserve the right to counsel her on that.

I am jumpy with excitement for this show; stay tuned for a heads-up on when it airs.

Let's hear it: did you watch the preview shows? ( I know they aired about a month ago! Jesus!) What did you think?

*There's no mention of this show on Bravo's website, and my secret source tells me that it's because the show has been pushed back to October.

"Slade is a total douchebag"

Hell, YES! Someone had to say it. The words came from David, one of Jo's suitors, who is a caricature of Ari Gold from Entourage. Anyway, who knew you could say "douchebag" on network tv? Not me.

Date my Ex with Jo and Slade is every single bit as awful and fake as we thought it would be. Here are some highlights (or alternately, a manifesto on why you should poke your eyes out rather than watch this show):

1. Jo goes out to lunch with her friends, and incredibly, there is a camera crew there to record Jo complaining about her love life. She's just working so much (who knew that churning out generic pop music could be so time-consuming?) and she's too busy to find a man. When the friends suggest that her ex-fiancee and current manager Slade should help her in her search, she is so shocked that she almost spits out her drink!

Hold the phone, here. Are we to believe that Bravo called up Jo and say, "hey, person-whose-musical-career-is-a-joke, we'd like to follow you around and film you to see if any brilliant ideas for a reality show pop up"? Bullshit. Jo and Slade have been hatching this plan for years. Bravo, shame on you for thinking that we would fall for this.

2. Another unbelievable coincidence: Jo's bff Myia (pronounced Mya--I hate when people spell their own names wrong) just happens to be an amazingly poised Brit who is free to be the show's host.

Notice Jo's baby pout. Get used to it. It accompanies baby talk and is quite possibly one of the most barf-inducing things I've ever watched.

3. Commercials are buffered with Jo's shitty music.

4. This week, four guys moved into "Slade's house," which is almost certainly NOT his house, because his house is in foreclosure (how positively lucky for him that Jo's friends happened to suggest this show!). Jo goes on solo dates with each guy and then picks one to remain in the house with Slade. Apparently more dudes show up later. The specifics of the dates and the men aren't really important, JO IS. For each date, she cakes on the make-up (her eyes are just one big glob of mascara) and pulls out the baby voice. Prior to one date, her suitor sends her a skin-tight dress, and she insists that she can't wear a bra or underwear with it. To most of us, that would be a red flag that the dress is too snug to be worn in public and/or the guy likes his woman to look like a slut.

All of this is lost on Jo. There is a big scene with Jo in her underwear, and her roommate is helping her pull the dress on. Then we see her removing her underwear all sexy-like. Gratuitous. Gross.

5. Ari Gold's pre-date gift is a Louis Vuitton scarf, and he takes her on a helicopter ride over LA. He also calls her a "crossover artist" and is all schmoozy. Hmmm, do you think he is the one who stays? I'll just tell you: YES. Big fucking surprise. Here he is charming Jo's roommate, aka Plan B.

6. Slade is devastated that Ari Gold had such a successful date. He's concerned: "does he want to date Jo, or manage her?" Yeah, 'cause there's so much money in THAT, Mr. Foreclosure! Jesus Christ.

7. Instead of "would you accept this rose," Jo's line at the elimination ceremony is "...but I think that we should just be friends," said with a exaggerated baby pouty face. Hey, nothing like rejecting someone with a cliche. Also, check out her dress that barely covers her cooter:

That's about enough. There's more fakery but I can't even go into it without blood pressure medicine. I am not watching this vile, phoney, self-promoting piece of shit again. Sorry to be such a hater, but it's impossible to be a liker or even a tolerater when it comes to Date my Ex.

I will leave you to ponder this: how on earth did Jo get her own show? She's not particularly likeable or talented. Bravo is pimping this show like crazy, commercials constantly running on Bravo and internet ads everywhere (did you see that it was the background on Perez yesterday?). Her album drops like a big fat turd in August, 2008--it's all just one big infomercial for Jo. WHY? Did she blackmail them somehow? Is her mom a top exec at Bravo? I do not get it.

Bravo, cut your losses and give this show the ax.

Thank God Flipping Out is on tonight.

Mini Review for Hell's Kitchen (but mostly just a comment about how I would love to shoot Gordon Ramsay with a tranquilizer gun)

Okay, how has Gordon Ramsay not suffered a massive stroke or heart attack? I watched the last 20 minutes of Hell's Kitchen tonight and was terrified by this man. He may look like the slow-witted but kindly cook at a small town Denny's, but he is perhaps the most high strung and abusive person I have ever seen in my life. HE SHOUTED THE ENTIRE TIME. Not an "I'm a loud talker" shout but more of an "you are too stupid to live and I'd love to stab you through the heart 437 times" scream. I flinched everytime he made a sudden move because I thought he was going to hit someone or place their hand on a burner.

Also, if anyone were to ever play a game based upon drinking every time he says fuck (or any variation thereof), they would be dead of alcohol poisoning before the show is over. He's worse than the whole Osborne family put together. Half of the words spoken on this show are bleeped out.

If you've ever watched Hell's Kitchen, speak up. What do you think?

"Just because you love Speedos doesn't make you gay"

Yes, but it does mean that you're either a Euro, a douche, or a competitive swimmer. Or gay.

The quote above is from Andy Cohen, the openly gay host of the Real Housewives of New York reunion show, who also told Simon, "I have great gaydar and it's not pinging for you." So it's settled. Simon is not homosexual, he's just a (pseudo) Euro-douche. Don't feel badly if you misjudged him; (pseudo) Euro-douche is often mistaken for gay.

Here are the highlights from the "Lost Footage" episode.

1. It is revealed that Jill went to college! I would have bet money that she did not, simply because she appears unnerved by people with lots of education. I need more info, Jill! Did you graduate? What was your major? If I'm going to psychoanalyze you on the blog (and co-star with you--yay!), I'm going to need some details.

2. Ramoner acts like an asshole again. The first time (in this episode anyway) is at Jill's party in the Hamptons where 'Moner makes a stink about seating. It's a BUFFET, you idiot! You get your food and you sit down at an available seat. For some reason, Ramoner could simply not wrap her brain around this concept.

Ramoner is the first one to leave the party, and Jill's all "don't let the door hit you on the ass." Ramoner explains her hasty departure with her trademark double-talk. First it was "I was tired" and then there was the buggy-eyed shrug "I wasn't stimulated enough." Might I suggest electroshock therapy? I've heard it's very stimulating.

3. Luann and the Count play tennis, and the Count engages in behavior that Luann describes as "competitive," which is really code for "bordering on abusive." Simmer down, Count!

4. Jill's birthday! There really are no words to describe the intricacies of the Jill-Bobby-Brad gift giving process, but I will try to break it down for you.

a) Jill orders a gift for herself at a store.

b) She meets with Brad (gay husband) and tells him to lead Bobby (real husband) to the gift which Jill has previously ordered.

c) Brad keeps insisting "don't you want some lingerie? I'm great at picking out lingerie!" Finally Jill says "why are you obsessed with tits now? Are you sure you're gay?" It is a funny moment.

d) Bobby takes Jill to a very fancypants restaurant and they both know there's going to be major gift giving but they're both pretending to be oblivious.

e) Jill ORDERS FOOD FOR GINGER at a fancypants restaurant.

f) Bobby gives her lingerie.

g) Jill tells the camera about how she doesn't want fucking lingerie!

h) Bobby gives her the $53,960 watch she had picked out for herself. He was onto her the whole time!

i) Then he gives her $6500 earrings.

j) Then they go home, and wild crazy sex is insinuated, which was an icky mental picture for me. (But I still love you Jill!)

5) Simon is shown shopping for the earrings he gave Alex on her birthday at sea. He acts totally gay.

6) Ramoner is beyond annoying again. She dresses like a complete dominatrix to chaperone Avery's school dance and comes home to tell Mario about it. The whole conversation is SO FAKE and filled with kissing and weird relationship platitudes.

7) Bethennnnnnny goes out to lunch with ex-fiance Larry, and his glowing happiness with his new family totally bums her out.

8) Luann and her family go to visit the Statue of Liberty and are completely insufferable for numerous reasons. But I have to tell you, despite her snobbery, Luann is so gorgeous. I always give a little gasp when I see her.

9) Jill attends a protest of Iran's president (no way in hell I'm going to try to spell his name) speaking at Columbia. She hears the Israeli national anthem and gets choked up. It was quite touching. Team Jill, baby. Forever!

10) Alex is also insufferable as she takes Francois to art class. She calls him "incredibly well-behaved," which kind of clashes with the images of him bouncing off of the walls and screaming at his teachers. The teachers say that Francois has a "lot of energy" but there is a totally obvious undertone of "he is a spoiled brat and it's everything we can do to not smack him and his mom."

11) At another Hampton's party, Jill uses the term "bff" and Luann says "what does bff mean?" What are you, 80?

12) More reunion highlights with additional footage of Ramoner going nuts on Simon and Alex at the infamous Jill dinner party. Even Bravo prefaces the scenes with a "Ramona vs. Alex and Siomn, Continued Verbal Assault" screen shot thingy because she was so completely out of control. Ramoner, you make me want to pull my hair out!

This is waaaaaay long and I apologize, but I have missed this show. Flipping Out starts up again on June 17 and let's all cross our fingers that a Real Housewives of any variety will soon follow. Please, Bravo. PLEASE.

Your tv watching assignment

1. Workout on Bravo.

Have you seen this show? Filled with unprofessional work relationships, petty arguments, impromptu and unwelcome counseling sessions, gorgeous bodies and Hot Lesbian Action (HLA)--it's begging to be recapped. It's on tonight, same time and place as Real Housewives of NYC. If tonight is your first time watching, you're going to be joining mid-season, so just go with the flow (trust me, it's not that complicated) and I'll do my best to give you some background tomorrow.

An SGM warning: the gorgeous bodies and HLA are a potent cocktail for the heterosexual male. If you want some of the sex tonight, then watch this with the hetero man of your choice and YOU WILL GET SOME. I can pretty much guarantee that you'll be slapping his hands off of your person within 2 minutes of Jackie (pictured above) making out with her girlfriend or any of her female employees.

If you don't want any sexual contact, then you must watch this by yourself or with women who are not your mother or mother-in-law.

2. Intervention on A&E

I will not be covering this show because this documentary-style show about addiction is not that funny, but it is absolutely riveting and I'd like to hear what everyone thinks of it. Last week they showed the most beautiful woman (well, not so much anymore) who was an alcoholic in the process of hitting rock bottom. She looked to be from a well-off Southern family and had been a successful interior designer until her second marriage fell apart and her drinking became out of control. She was such a wreck that she lost custody of her kids Britney-style (supervised visits only at the discretion of her ex). Even though I come from a family with more than its fair share of alcoholics, it is fascinating to see addiction up close like this--to see how the addict thinks and how the people close to the addict react.

I'm also captivated by the role of the camera crew on this show. On the show about the interior designer, the camera person was in the car while the woman was chugging vodka and driving. When she was falling down drunk at a bar, the producer called for a family member to pick her up and then they filmed her getting out of the car, weaving around and then falling over and passing out on her gravel driveway (ouch). Do they just say "cut!" and then walk off? I think they do (and for the record, that's okay in my book), but the whole ethical/moral aspect of all of this makes my brain hurt--in a good and beneficial way.

Those of you who read this blog on a regular basis know how shallow I am, especially when it comes to tv. I'm not a person who likes sad shows or shows which require any amount of introspection or thought. But this is different! Check here to see when it's on (personally I like to watch it after The Hills because it kind of balances me out) and you will be mortified and you might even cry, but then you'll feel better at the end when the intervention happens and the person (usually) gets help.

That's it! Now get cracking with the tv watching and report back tomorrow for a full recap of Workout.