So very punchable

As you know, I'm not a violent person, but my fist tingles just looking at this.

Apparently Paige Davis has returned to Trading Spaces, which means that I will continue to avoid the show at all costs.

Reunion Round-Up

George bowling for dollars in Season 2. Just thought it was a funny picture.

All right, here's the Real Housewives of Orange County Season 3 reunion commentary, shotgun style:

1. Tamra's hair. I wasn't crazy about it.

2. Lauri said that there's a "huge misperception" about the amount of plastic surgery they've all had. Yeah, if you have fakey double Ds and admit to having botox and restylane a regular basis, people are going to assume that. It's just ignorance, Lauri.

3. I wish Bravo would have shown us Quinn's new bod. Not fair to say she's lost 22 lbs and then not show it. And Quinn's boobs are fake?! Huh. I didn't know that implants could be made to look like authentically saggy like that.

4. Tamra with her comments about "you nasty little woman" to Quinn and "picturing Vicki juggling Don's balls"--I love you, Tamra, but you need to get a filter. Actually, the Quinn comment was fine, but Vick was having a serious talk about the state of her marriage. I know you were nervous about the reunion, but no need to interrupt Vicki's moment.

5. Did you see Vicki's veins in her neck pop out when see viewed the clip of Don calling her a "lying sack of dogBLEEP" ? I'm afraid that when you're discussing the possible end of your marriage on national tv, it's pretty much over. Go in for the kill, Jeana! Just kidding. Vicki's your friend. Give it a couple of months.

6. Lauri commenting that her son, Josh, is a waiter and just bought an Audi. An Audi. That's an important fact to relate about your recovering addict son, don't you think?

7. Frankie the designer was a fan of the show who emailed Jeana? And they became BFFs? I had no idea. Crazy.

8. Jo! What's up with the vest with the nappy-furred hood? You look like you just stopped by after getting a mani-pedi and a Big Gulp. SO MANY fake smiles from the rest of the cast during Jo's appearance. You could put a gun to my head and I still would not watch her show.

I could have easily hosted this show. Bravo, I'm available for the next season! Let's talk!

Don't Forget

Where's Quinn of the XXL cleavage?

Reunion show tonight, chickens.

I'm no accountant but...

That's our girl in the middle

today I'm going to pretend that I am, and my first meeting will be with Yael Aflalo.

Do you know who Yael is? I didn't until recently (which doesn't mean much because I am a hick as well as an accountant). She's a 30 year old LA-based clothing designer and I think her brand, Ya Ya, could be considered high end because she sells pretty normal looking stuff for mucho dinero:

YA-YA Charcoal Miller in Dean, $235

I probably wouldn't pay $235 for pants that pull in the crotch like that, but I'm going to assume that some people don't mind that (Jessica Simpson, for one, wears Ya Ya).

I discovered Yael when her backyard was featured in the most recent domino. I can't stop looking at this place. Designed by Art Luna, it's very formal and it is stunning. I know you've probably already seen it, but for those of you who don't get domino, check it out:

My (expertly) scanned pictures do this garden no justice; believe me.

And here's the exterior of her house, which has nothing to do with Art Luna, but I am so in love with it:

I'm always into the high contrast of a dark color and white trim. Beautiful.

This garden did not come cheap: $18,400 in statues, $4800 for a fiberglass couch by the pool, and two quartz crystals (pictured above, on the pedestals) for $3300 and $4900 a pop--just a few of the big ticket items. The landscaping alone probably cost a zillion dollars, not to mention the upkeep this baby is going to require. Knowing all of this, I became very concerned that Yael spent beyond her means. So I did some research, and this is what I would say to her:

Hey girl! What's up? I'm worried about you and your 401(k). I'm sure you're successful and all (and you're beautiful!), but can you really afford to be spending almost $20k on four statues? And $10k on custom benches? How much did Art Luna charge you for his services? I know how hard it is to say no to a man who is selling beauty--believe me, I've been there--but really. This yard must have cost a crazy amount of money. You're so young! Do you have a trust fund that I don't know about? I hope so because I see a lot of your clothing taking big markdowns, and I'm scared for you. [this is where she starts to tear up and I give her a tissue]

No, no, it's not a bad idea to invest in your property. But have you seen the market lately? What happens when Jessica Simpson finds another purveyor of snug pants and you find yourself upside down in your mortgage? Will Art Luna buy back your statues and quartz crystals then? I think we both know the answer to that.

The good news is that you're very young and if we start now, you can recover. First, no more custom furniture, no more statues, and for the love of God, stop designing pants that look like they're from SJP's Bitten line (wtf is up with that, by the way?).

Second, I think you need to look into a *second* job. Maybe Banana Republic is hiring? Just head to the mall; I'm sure you'll find something.

Third, open an IRA and try to contribute at least $200/month, even if you have to give up the Cristal. I don't to see you "big pimpin'" anywhere, at any time.

Fourth, if you do end up selling-off your garden goods, I will loan you the port-a-grill that we use for tailgates. That's all you really need in a backyard, anyway.

That's it! I'm very hopeful for you. [I give her a hug] Thank you, and I'd appreciate it if you'd pay my $750 fee promptly. Good luck!

Hope she listens, because I'd hate to see her on the streets with those quartz crystals in her shopping cart. They look heavy. For real, does anyone have a guess as to the pricetag on this place? Holy smokes.

Judging Beth (and Mark too!)

Beth and Mark, a study in high douchebaggery

Are you familiar with Beth S., who first appeared on MTV's The Real World LA in 1993?* Beth, age 38, is the one who constantly brags about how successful she is, yet continues to subject herself to various indignities on Real World/Road Rules challenges, the most recent of which is airing now.** Luckily, I do not have to delve into the far reaches of my brain to write a message to Beth because TVgasm.com has already done it for me:

Former, current and future Bunim-Murray cast members; I suggest you consider the show an experience, not a career. Enjoy it, embrace it and then move on. If you have more than 4 Bunim-Murray credits on your resume [Beth has approximately 13 according to imdb], and you still expect to be famous...I can safely say, it's over. And you should probably move on. If not for you, then for the sake of your family and eventual kids. It's one thing to be made a fool for a season, but to be made a fool for a DVD Box Set worth of humiliation...well that's gonna effect your family for generations.

That pretty much sums it up!

Thank you,

Ms. High and Mighty

P.S. I will not be judging Mark at this point because I think he has retired from these challenges, but I reserve the right to judge him should he come out of retirement. Actually, I've changed my mind because I have since looked at his myspace page and under occupation, it says "professional badass" with an income of "over $250,000." Riiiiiiiight. He's Spencer Pratt Part II.

*Remember that one? Foremost in my mind are Jon, the naive religious country singer and Tami, the girl who wired her mouth shut in order to lose weight (and pre-wiring, she sang the catchy "I'm a slave I'm a slave I'm a slave to your lovin'," a song that is sung in my house to this day).

**I just happened upon it, okay? I didn't watch much of it, but I probably will watch all of it at some point, and when that happens, it will be a private matter between MTV and me.